Dedicated to Loopilinzee for all her help and encouragement.

10. Background

This was getting ridiculous! I had already ripped up a great pair of jeans and dented a wall. Was I now going to have problems simply walking around? This is not how this was supposed to be. I stood glaring at the rock face that had been standing peacefully in the Arizona desert for who knew how many hundreds or thousands of years, minding its own business...before I came along. It was now a pile of rubble with stones varying in size from as big as my fist to small dust particles. All because I looked one way while walking the other a little too fast. Not to mention that the pair of jeans I was wearing now had a large gash in the leg. That made two pairs of jeans I had ruined today!

"You have to watch where you're going, Bella," Edward advised. His expression was slightly ironic and there was a tender but humorous look there as well...but I was getting fed up.

"I thought that when I became like you I would...I don't know... be more like you! You don't crash into things and rip stuff up...unless you intended to do that...," I knew I was pouting but this was getting silly and I was tired of always being the odd one in this relationship. Edward smiled sweetly at me and hugged me close for a moment.

"You are forgetting something very important, Bella. It's been a very long time since I joined Carlisle in this life. Do you really think I just woke up after he changed me and knew how to be a vampire and act like a human who shouldn't be able to ...well, to crush large boulders when she bumps into them?" He smiled. I didn't want to hear this, though.

"Ughhh! I just want to be able to do normal stuff without ... causing chaos!" I glared at the pile of debris again. I hated looking at the evidence that it was obviously going to take me awhile to adjust to things. I should have known that there was no way this life would come any easier than the last.

We had been walking for a while now. Edward was taking his time introducing me to his way of living, existing. Sometimes we ran...and it was exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I was stunned by how far I could travel in mere seconds. Other times we just walked and talked or were silent...just taking it all in. Except for my klutziness, the day had been amazing. I loved hearing Edward talk to me about how it was for him when Carlisle had first changed him. He had shared some of that with me after Demetri bit me...when he was trying to distract me from the pain. I had also heard a bit from Carlisle on the subject. But this was different. Being like Edward put it all in perspective.

One question that really burned inside of me was why I wasn't like Bree. I had been dreading that future for so long. After seeing that newborn...how frantic she had been for my blood...for human blood! I had thought that all newborns must, absolutely must, experience that level of fanatical craving and was terrified of losing myself to that kind of rabid compulsion. Edward had known of my fear but had never shared it. I knew that but still I had been afraid.

"I know what you thought, Bella. I also know that nothing I could say to you would convince you. You had to experience it for yourself." Edward was always so rational. "Honestly, Bella! You knew Carlisle's history and Rosalie's. Neither of them has ever had human blood. They obviously weren't like Bree. That should have told you something."

"But Jasper...when he told me all that about the newborns in those wars. And then seeing that Bree creature! What was I supposed to think?" I knew that Edward was right...but it didn't explain everything.

"Jasper was telling you what could happen. How it can be for young vampires. Not how it has to be, Bella." I stopped walking and turned to face him. Edward looked around for a moment and spotted a boulder, undamaged, for us to sit on.

"Think about it this way. Remember when I told you how you were my brand of heroine?" I nodded. "Ok, then. Think of human blood as a drug. When a vampire is newly born, like you, he or she is very susceptible to...new things, new experiences. Mainly that means that if you were given human blood immediately after you woke up to this life, it would be extremely difficult to...to...wean you off of it, so to speak. Your first meal can have a powerful affect on you. Also...think about Carlisle and Rosalie. They both were very aware of what had happened to them. Carlisle was actually hunting vampires! When his transformation was complete he knew what he had become. Rosalie was told all through her change what was happening to her. They were very much aware of what they were and what that could mean. Carlisle chose from the beginning, on his own, not to take in human blood. Rosalie hated what she had become as much as Carlisle did and refused to give in to any urge to drink from a human. So much so that she even risked losing Emmett rather than try to change him herself!" He paused watching my reaction to his words.

"Those newborns that attacked us in Forks and the newborns that Jasper told us about...they were all fed on humans immediately after they were 'born'. It was all they knew." He said quietly. I thought about that for a while, remembering a conversation that had confused me a bit.

"I remember asking you if human blood would make you stronger for the fight with the newborns...you told me that it wouldn't be that much of a help...," Edward interrupted me.

"I also told you that drinking from a human would just make it harder to not feed on them in the future. It would jeopardize all that we had built as a family, as 'vegetarians'. The thirst you feel right now," I swallowed painfully at his words, "it would be completely quenched by human blood. It's true. But it would come back a thousand times stronger! And you would know where and how to fix that pain! It would be as though you had been addicted to a powerful drug...and then experienced withdrawal. All the pain of withdrawal and the drugs are sitting right in front of you for the taking and no one, absolutely no one, could stop you from erasing that pain and experiencing that relief. No one--except yourself." I shuddered as I imagined that level of addiction and compulsion. It was my greatest fear now...that I would become mindlessly addicted to something that meant the death of so many. Edward stroked his hand softly down my cheek, distracting me from those morbid thoughts.

"But here you are, Bella. You, like Carlisle and Rosalie, know what you have become. You actually made the decision to join this world. You, like them, were completely aware of what you were going to become...what you now are. And your first meal will not be human blood. It also helps that you are no where near the smell of humans so that you won't even be exposed to that possibility!" I thought of something, but was reluctant to bring it up. Looking up at Edward, though, I decided that honesty had to be the best, the only, policy between us now.

"Edward...your first meal was not human blood," I stated quietly. Edward frowned and looked away. He knew what I was implying. Since he had not been given human blood as his first meal, then he was not addicted to that form of food from the beginning, just like Carlisle and Rosalie. Then why had he allowed himself to do what he had done for those few years? The same thought also applied to Emmett and Esme. Edward was quiet for a while and I worried that I may have stepped over a line.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I shouldn't have said anything!"

"No, Bella. That's alright. You have every reason and right to ask me anything. You know that." He paused. "I knew, as I've told you, why Carlisle chose not to feed on humans. His thoughts were very clear on the matter. I knew how he felt about it on every level. But, at the time, I felt that that was his choice. He had made a decision based on principles that he was strongly attached to. I ... I didn't have that strong sense of...well, of right and wrong, I guess. Carlisle seemed to embody compassion. I didn't bring that with me from my former life. It wasn't that I didn't care...I just didn't feel so intensely about it as did Carlisle. And then we were always around them, humans, because Carlisle worked in the city hospitals. The smell of humans was constantly with me and I wasn't as immune to it as I am now. Definitely not the way Carlisle was and is. I'm still not. The smell and the ...the idea of what it must be like, taste like...," his eyes glazed a bit as he looked into the past, remembering how he had felt. "They say that thoughts lead to actions, especially if you don't stop thinking about it. Well, I was the perfect example of that." He paused again and looked down at me smiling wryly.

"I've often wondered, though, if it wasn't just that I could hear my victims thoughts, fears, making me aware of the monster I was becoming, that helped me finally get off the road I was traveling and come home. I think that the fact that human blood had not been my first meal...I think that played a part. I really do." I looked up at him as he smiled down at me and felt so much pride and happiness that Edward had been able to come back to his family. It meant that we had been able to meet and that I was here with him now. And it also helped me understand this incredible man that much more.

"You amaze me, you know that?" I whispered as I leaned up to brush my lips along his throat before lightly kissing his lips. His arms tightened around me and he kissed me in earnest. Edward had such a wonderful way of dissolving my fears and anxieties...smoothing them away and dazzling me all over again at the same time. It would have been heaven...if it hadn't been for the boulder!

"You have to remember, Bella," he was now saying as I stood glaring at the remnants of the large rock, "to watch where you're going and...I don't know...think soft thoughts." He smiled at me and I gnashed my teeth. He chuckled and I debated throwing one of those rocks 'softly' at his beautiful face. "You just have to be patient, love. It will come. I promise you." I sighed loudly and concentrated on walking calmly, watching my every step while Edward grinned.

"How long do you think this will take?" I asked after a few minutes.

"Longer than a few minutes, Bella. Or a few days. It takes practice, believe me. You should have seen the damage Emmett caused! I think Esme thought we'd lose the house we were living in because of his...'growing pains'. Just be glad we're out here in the middle of nowhere. I don't think anyone's going to mind if a few boulders suffer from your ...," he paused, grinning at me.

"My clumsiness? Klutziness? Amazing anti-graceful prowess?" I said sarcastically.

"It's not that bad, Bella. Don't let it upset you so much!" He hugged me again as I rolled my eyes and looked around at the crags and rolling hills that surrounded us. The sky was blazing and the two of us shone like mirrors in the sunlight.

"It's a good thing we're not in New Mexico," I said after a minute, attempting to change the subject. Edward smiled and went along with me.

"Why's that, love?"

"If anyone saw us they'd swear we were extraterrestrials! Area 51 would be doing back flips!" Edward laughed, nodding. I was curious, though. "So...has anyone ever thought something like that before? I mean...the way we look...there's no way that 'vampires' would be the first thing I would have thought had I seen you like this before."

"You're right, Bella. People don't think of vampires as glowing in the sunlight. Burning yes, glittering, no. We have had a few narrow misses with different people in the past. It's really rare, though, that we allow ourselves to be seen in the light. It would be too hard to explain that away. We've had a few close calls with various minor officials, though. That usually means a quick exit from whatever town or city we were currently residing in and...retreat. Better that than the alternative." I knew he meant having to ...handle...the humans who had unfortunately discovered too much.

"So--do you think that the FBI or whatever has some sort of ... I don't know... file on vampires?" The thought seemed laughable, but Edward wasn't laughing.

"I know they do," he stated quietly.

"What? Really?"

"Yes...it's something that most of us are aware of. But it's more like UFO files than reality. At least...that seems to be how the ones in charge view it. That's very fortunate for us and for them. If the Volturi ever thought that some valid government agency really had concrete and believable proof of our existence...I shudder to think what the consequences would be." I felt just as shocked and appalled at the thought as Edward seemed to be and wondered curiously what would happen if that ever became a reality.

"Ok," Edward said, cutting through my thoughts. "Enough chit-chat! It's time we found you something to eat, don't you think?" All my nervousness flooded back at these words but I tried to look sure and calm. Edward wasn't buying it, though. He took my hand and led me over to an out crop of red stone where we sat down and started out over the wilderness before us.

"Listen, Bella," he said to me while holding my hands. "We're going to take this nice and slow, ok?" I nodded. "Don't look so worried! It's going to be fine. What I think we should do is just explore what you can do now. You already said that you noticed that you can see a lot more than you used to, right?" I nodded again. It was wonderful being able to focus on extremely small things so clearly. "What I want you to try to do is see how far away you can focus on an object." He turned slightly and pulled me up against his shoulder. Lifting one hand, he pointed out away from us. "Do you see that cliff on the far side of the ridge?" I looked in the direction he was pointing and saw the cliff he was talking about. "I want you to focus on that cliff and see how much detail you can make out." I did as he suggested and gasped as I suddenly was able to make out the different trees and shrubs on the cliff, the birds that were flying near it, even the blades of grass blowing gently in the breeze. It was incredible!

"Holy crow!" I breathed. Edward looked down at me, grinning..

"Now let your eyes wander over the cliff...do you see that stand of trees?"

"Yes!" This was unbelievable.

"Ok...Are they all the same kind? What do you see in the trees? Under the trees?" He kept asking me questions and I kept telling him what I saw. It was fun and amazing, exciting and disturbing. But my throat was getting even more sore as each moment passed. Finally Edward stopped with the field test of my sight and turned to my hearing.

"Listen to my voice, Bella," he said. He kept talking to me and I realized that his tone was getting softer and softer. He was eventually whispering...I knew that...but I could still hear him plainly. Amazing. "Now, listen, Bella...listen to the world around us..." I was suddenly aware of every whisper of the wind, the cry of distant birds, the sound of the grass moving...it was as though the whole earth was speaking to me, telling me all of its secrets, soothing me, and tantalizing me all at the same time! It was the most heady thing I had ever experienced...other than loving Edward, that is. I sat there listening for some time while Edward once again grinned down at me. I could tell that he was getting a lot of enjoyment from simply showing me all of the things about this life that had always excited him...perhaps seeing it all again through new eyes. That made it doubly wonderful for me.

After a while something caught my attention. I was aware of a rustling sound in the grass far off near that clump of trees Edward had made me focus on a few minutes ago. I turned quickly and focused on that area once again and, sure enough, I could see movement but not what animal was causing it. I kept watching and eventually realized that I was seeing what looked like a large cat. Edward had evidently noticed what had caught my attention because he leaned down to speak softly in my ear.

"It's a bobcat."

"Oh," I answered. My nerves were stretched thin but just seeing that animal and knowing that this would help me feel better...it was suddenly very important for me to get over the ridge as fast as possible.

"Easy, Bella. Not so fast. Just take your time. Make sure you know exactly where you want to go and...watch where your going, too," he grinned at me and I suddenly didn't feel so nervous. I grinned back at him and jabbed him lightly in the stomach causing him to grin even more. Perhaps because he could actually feel it now and it didn't hurt me to do it anymore! We rose together and started to race towards what looked to be my first meal in this life. The closer we got the more I could hear the creature moving, seeing it stalking some smaller prey. We had reached the top of the cliff and had slowed to check our bearings when something hit me so strongly I thought I would pass out...except for the fact that vampires don't do that...right? I stopped dead in my tracks...as still as a statue and stared unseeingly into the distance. Edward whirled around to search my face.

"What is it, Bella?"

"Uh...Edward," I mumbled as I took a step back, my knees shaking. I was suddenly running back the way we had come as if I was being chased by the devil himself! I knew that if I stopped I would collapse and I didn't want to do that...so I just kept running, the wind in my face and the sound of a very puzzled Edward following right behind.

Hope you are all enjoying this so far--let me know! :-)