"You're dead! You hear me, dead!" Vadim growled and lunged at the teen.

"You can't catch me, Old Man!" Vanya gasped while Alfred pulled her closer. Alfred knew just how bad his Ivan could be, but Vadim had to be worse. Vladimir stuck his tongue out at said male while flipping and spinning around. "Bet you can't do that Pops!"

Vadim growled again and threw his pipe at Vladimir. It flew straight at his head. Vladimir moved just in time so the pipe missed him by a mere inch. Vladimir clutched his chest and glared at his superior.

"Are you fucking insane?" he huffed. "You could've killed me!"

"Too bad you moved…" Vadim grumbled as he trudged over to his pipe and pulled it out of the wall.

Alfred's heart was pounding as he let go of Vanya. He rubbed his eyes and sat down.

'How does Ivan deal with that? It's like a three-ringed circus in his head!'

S.S. Awesome

"Okay Ivan, now it's your turn." Emily said with a devious smirk plastered on her face. "Alright Gil, put him in the chair." She ordered. Gilbert did as he was told and ushered Ivan into the salon chair.

"What are you planning to do with him?" Gilbert asked nervously. He knew if He didn't do what Emily said, he would pay for it. 'Wait a second,' he thought. 'If I do as she says, Russland is gonna kill me too! Wow, this is a lose-lose situation…' Gilbert frowned and waited for Emily to answer.

"Dye his hair dark brown and give him brown contacts," Ivan's eyes widened.

"I can't be a brunette! It will clash with my clothing!" Emily rolled her eyes and smiled a bitter-sweet smile.

"You're gonna have to. You're my bitch for the day!" Gilbert face palmed while Ivan sat there, looking shocked. Emily walked over to the dresser and picked out a pair of jeans and a white, button up, short sleeved shirt. While she did, Gilbert started to wash Ivan's hair.

"Oh and Gilbert, make sure to give him a spray tan." Ivan started to freak out.

"That is crossing the line Alfred! I refuse to let you put bronzer on me."

"But it does make sense," Gilbert interjected. "We are in Spain. It would make you look native to the country." Ivan folded his arms over his chest.

"Fine…" he pouted.

A good four hours later, the trio walked off the boat and into the city

"Do you know where we are, Gilly?" Emily asked.

'Wow,' Ivan thought. 'For an idiot, the guy is a great actor…'

Gilbert blushed slightly at the nickname. "No. I just know that it's a small town that's not on the world map. Antonio said that he liked his privacy." 'Even if he loves to party…' Gilbert thought.

"Do you know where he lives?" Ivan asked.

"Yeah, it's the first house you see when going out into the country side."

"Alright, let's get a bus to take us to the edge of the city." Emily said. Gilbert sighed and shook his head.

"Can't, it's such a small town that the people walk everywhere." Emily shrugged.

"Then let's start walking!"

(A/N: And cue the innuendo!) And so the trio set off to find Antonio's house, ready to take on any challenge that stood in their way…

"Are we there yet?" Emily moaned.

"Nyet"

"Nein"

"How much farther?"

"Alfred, would you just be patient? Only a few more miles till we reach Antonio's house." Ivan sighed. Emily slapped her hand across Ivan's face. "Ow!" Ivan screamed. "What was that for?"

"It's Emily, sweetheart," Emily said with a façade of sweetness spilling out. Ivan flinched mentally at what Al- I mean Emily said. Then Ivan came to the depressing realization.

"That's right," he groaned. "I'm your b-b…" No matter how hard Ivan tried, he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"That's right! You're my bitch!" Emily's voice pierced through Ivan's. Ivan sighed and tried to shrug off what the American said and kept saying.

"Okay, okay that's enough of that. Hey, there's Antonio's place!" Gilbert shouted gleefully. He dashed towards the door while Ivan and Emily trailed behind him. Gilbert stopped right when his nose was about to be crushed into the door.

„Schlechtes Note Trio rah rah rah! Hageln nach thee Markierungsfahnen von drei, Spanien, Preußen und Frankreich! "Gilbert smirked while Emily looked at him, confused as to why he said it in German. Her thoughts were interrupted when Antonio burst out the door.

"Gilbert! How are you?" Antonio gushed as he grabbed hold of his friend. Gilbert blushed and tried to push the Spaniard off.

"I'm great, bud. This is my… Friend, um, Alex! Yeah, this is Alex and his girlfriend Emily."

Ivan could've done a spit take. Instead, he held his head high and shook Antonio's hand. Antonio looked confusedly at the other's hand. He shrugged and took it firmly. He pulled Ivan into a hug and said," Welcome to my home Alex!" He turned and looked at Emily and bowed. "And you too, Emily! Come in! Come in! I must give you a tour of my house!" Ivan and Emily shared a quick glance before they reluctantly went inside.

As they walked in, an explosion of yellow and red filled their vision. Gilbert smiled broadly while Emily walked around curiously. Ivan face palmed many times before he started to look around.

"Red and yellow, why did it have to be red and yellow? If I find my former flag in here, I'm going to have a stroke…" Ivan mumbled. He straightened up and walked over to a set of tapestries that hung off the wall.

He looked closer at one and saw Antonio and… Francis? It looked like the two were fighting over something. And I mean really fighting over it. Swords were drawn and they were at each other's throats. Antonio cast one hard blow and Francis fell to the ground. Antonio's army came up from behind him and one soldier was saying something. Ivan racked his brain trying to translate.

"Sir, we have won the territory in Italy. The nation of France has been defeated!"

Antonio looked less than happy about winning the new territory. But his dark mood was quickly exchanged for his usual chipper one.

"Alright men, what are we going to name this new territory?" The men wore confused expressions. "I know!" exclaimed Antonio. "Romano!" The men looked at each other and cheered their new territory's name. "Romano!"

On the second tapestry, Antonio held a chibi Lovino trying to get out of Antonio's grasp. Antonio wore a slightly troubled expression as he tried to keep Lovino still.

On the third tapestry were Gilbert, Antonio, Francis, Lovino, Ludwig, and Feliciano all standing there like it was a family portrait. Antonio was in the middle, Gilbert was to his right, Francis was to his left, Ludwig was kneeling down on one knee that pointed to the left, Feliciano sat to Ludwig's right, and Lovino was to Ludwig's left sitting on both knees with his arms crossed while blushing madly.

"Wow…" Ivan whispered. "That is one messed up family isn't it?"

"Alex, sweetie, I need to talk to you, please." Ivan jumped slightly at the hand on his shoulder and the breath on his ear. He slowly slid his pipe back in his sleeve. "Come on Alex!" Emily whined, pulling on his sleeve. Ivan sighed and turned to face his annoyance.

"Yes, pet?" He replied while taking her hand in his. "Where do you want talk?" Ivan dug his nails into her palm. Emily let out a silent cry.

"Stop, please." She cried into his ear. "I need to talk to you outside." Ivan nodded and let Emily pull him outside. She turned to face him and said," Ivan, if we are going to pretend to date you have to be an awesome actor," Ivan stared at Emily. "What I mean is we have to k-kiss and cu-cuddle like we really love each other…" Ivan kept staring.

"What?" was all Ivan could muster. Everything else in his head was a jumbled mess of feelings. Did he like what heard? Was he upset? Did he want to rip Emily's head off? He didn't know. "Can't we just stage a fight and pretend like we are mad at one another?" Emily shook her head.

"Absolutely not, I like happy endings! That's when the hero gets all he ever wanted…" Emily looked down at her feet.

"Then let's try this out," Ivan pulled Emily closer until their lips met. Her eyes widened but quickly closed when Ivan deepened the kiss. She put her arms around his neck until he broke away. A crimson blush was peeking out from behind the bronzer. Emily stifled a laugh. Ivan sure was a good actor, and Emily knew that the kiss didn't mean a thing. It was just a guy and a girl who shared a kiss, nothing special. Trouble was, Emily was an Alfred, and she was a he.

Alfred shook slightly at the thought. He brought his hand up to adjust Texas, who was usually there to give him peace of mind. But Texas was nowhere to be found, instead a cowboy hat rested firmly on his head. "Fuck…" He whispered harshly. "Good job, I guess. You are a pretty good actor. But all actors … or actresses pale in comparison to me!"

Ivan didn't listen. He knew Alfred was only trying to cover up what just happened with words; useless words. What would've happened if it was longer? How far would it have gone? They hated each other. That was the way it had to be. It wouldn't work anyway.

"Alex, Emily, where are you?" Antonio's voice came around the corner and Alfred panicked. He ran around a little bit until he saw Gilbert's silver hair. "I'll check over here, Gil. You go check the house."

"Okay Tonio." Suddenly an idea came to Alfred. Antonio didn't know his secret yet!

"Sorry about this Ivan," Ivan hiked an eyebrow. Antonio's head popped out from behind the corner the same time Alfred pressed his lips against Ivan's. Antonio gasped but it soon turned into Francis's trademarked "I'm A Perv and I Enjoy Watching This Kind Of Stuff" laugh. You know the one.

Alfred broke the kiss and acted like he was going to kill Antonio if he ever told anyone. Antonio backed away slowly, giggling like a child.

"Okay, I won't tell anyone, promise." Antonio held a hand over his heart as he said the last part. Ivan sighed and apologized for "Emily's" behavior. "No problem," he said casually. "Would you like to come inside for some beer?" Alfred nodded his head furiously while his tongue stuck out the side of his mouth. "Well come on in!" Antonio bellowed. Alfred followed closely behind the departing Spaniard while Ivan lagged behind, lost I his own trail of thought.

'That kiss…' he thought. 'Was weird.' He reached up and touched his lips.

"Alex, sweetie, hurry up!" Alfred growled. Ivan sighed and jogged after them. Antonio showed them to the kitchen table.

"Wait here," he whispered. "I'll be right back." Antonio walked away quietly and came back with an empty clay pot. He looked at Alfred and Ivan and winked while filling it up at the kitchen sink. "Heh heh …" he snickered deviously. "I'm off to find Gil," he chuckled. Antonio snuck around the corner and waited for Gilbert to come through the backdoor. A squeak from behind Ivan made him turn.

"Hey, have you guys seen Antonio?" Alfred batted his eyes and pointed in Antonio's direction. "Thanks…" he said, creeped out slightly by the way Alfred acted. He trotted over to the corner and-

SPLASH! Antonio dumped the whole pot all over Gilbert.

"Uh, you are an ass, Tonio!" Antonio giggled. Alfred busted out laughing while Ivan sat there, looking annoyed.

"What's the matter Alex? You look upset!" Ivan glared at Alfred and gestured to the beads of water running down his face. "Oh don't be such a baby! It's only water!" Alfred's mood suddenly darkened. "That could be a problem though…" Ivan stared at Alfred questioningly. Alfred shook his head and took his phone. Ivan snatched it out of his hand and stared at the screen. The bronzer started to drip down his face leaving a trail of snow white skin. Antonio stopped giggling to stare at Alfred and Ivan.

"Uh oh…" Gilbert whispered. Antonio looked at Gilbert.

"Spray tan? Gilbert, who is this man?" Gilbert glanced at Ivan, then to Alfred, then back to Antonio.

"Spain," Antonio's eyes widened. Gilbert never said his country name unless he meant business. "This is Russia. And his girlfriend is really America. I'm sure you've heard of the murder." Antonio nodded and waited for Gilbert to continue. "Well, being the awesome guy that I am, I decided to help them. Now all I'm asking is that you don't rat us out. That would be totally unawesome." Antonio took everything in and nodded.

"I will help you, but we might have a slight problem." The trio looked at him. "I'm throwing a huge party in a couple of days and every country that's any country will be there." Gilbert groaned will Alfred banged his head on the table.

"Wait, if everyone knows I'm a dude, why can't I get some real clothes?" The others shrugged. "Ugh, fine!" Ivan pinched Alfred's leg under the table and smirked as the younger nation let out a shriek. Antonio and Gilbert ignored the two and started picking out beer for the party.

"Oh, this one sounds good."

"Sure, but this one tastes best!"

"Really?"

"Like totally!"

"Don't ever do that again…"

"Okay, Jeeze! I can take a hint…"

"Whatever, let's pick out what kind of food there has to be!"

Ivan interrupted them. "Really, you two are discussing the party while we're trying to figure out a way to not get caught?"Gilbert frowned.

"Well, when you put it like that…" Alfred suddenly jumped up looking panicked.

"I just thought of something. What happens when Belarus comes looking for her brother?" Ivan's eyes widened and he grabbed Alfred's arm, intending to never let go. Antonio put a hand over Gilbert's mouth in an effort to keep him from laughing his ass off.

"Don't worry Ivan. Almost every country has a Belarus-proof lock on each of their doors and windows. You know, just in case she ever decides to visit. They were invented after that one World Conference…"

Flash Back Time! (Fan girlish Scream!)

The world meeting went on like any other. Romano was screaming at Spain, Russia was tormenting the Baltics, America was trying to break the World Record of eating the most hamburgers in an hour, France was trying to grope Liechtenstein, and Switzerland was pointing his revolver at France's head threatening him to stop being a pedophile or he would have his head blown off. You know, the normal stuff.

Belarus walked around the conference room holding up her knife for all to see. "Where is my big brother? I need to ask him a question!" She walked towards England and poked his back with her knife.

"You wanker, what the hell are you…" England turned around and started to shake involuntarily. "Oh, Belarus, what is it that y-you w-want?"

Belarus narrowed her eyes and growled, "Big Brother. Where is he?" England nodded his head and pointed a shaky finger in Russia's direction. "Thank you, maybe this time you get to live." England smiled weakly.

"Anytime…" He whispered.

Belarus stomped over to her brother and the Baltics. "Oh, Belarus! Hi! You look beautiful today." Lithuania started to bombard the girl with compliments that she paid no mind to. Estonia and Latvia tried to pull him away from Belarus who held her knife close to his face.

"Leave us. I need to speak to Big Brother alone." Latvia nodded and tried to drag Lithuania away. Estonia shook his head and walked away. "Now then," Belarus sang. "Big Brother, marry me!" A hunger appeared in her eyes and she started to grab his hand. Russia pulled away quickly and started to back away slowly. "Marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me!" Belarus started to chant. Russia ran towards America and hid behind his back.

"Whoa, commie what's the matter?" Russia trembled slightly and started to cry into America's back. America, confused by the nation's behavior, started to pat his head. "Don't worry big guy, I'll protect you."

"Get away from Brother Russia! He's mine!" America sighed when he saw Belarus coming. He quickly cocked his pistol and held it tightly, just in case he had to use it. "Brother, come with me and marry me! Why do you have to be such a jerk?" Russia didn't respond. He only held on tighter to America.

"Belarus, he doesn't want to marry you. Leave him alone." Belarus screamed and lunged at America. America quickly pulled his pistol out and shot at Belarus. The girl dodged it swiftly and kicked the gun out of his hand.

"Hey, leave them alone! America's right, Russia doesn't want to marry you!" Sea land's voice pierced the air. Belarus spun around quickly and threw her knife at the boy. England pulled him out of the way right as the knife almost touched his nose. Belarus hopped onto the long conference table. She stomped down the long, wooden strip towards Romania. She held him up and started to shake him, digging her nails into his shoulders. Romania narrowed his eyes and bit down hard on Belarus's arm. His fangs sunk don deep and she threw him off of herself.

She hurled herself off the table and flipped it over. Japan grabbed his katana and brought it down next to her. "Calm down." He said simply. Belarus's face turned bright red and she flipped out. She ran around the room and beat up any body in her way. She ripped chunks of the wall out and threw them at the other countries.

At one point, Canada coughed and she caught it. She marched up to him and slapped his face. A large red print formed and he started to cry. That tore it for America. He picked Belarus up by her hair and tossed her out the door."No one does that to my brother and gets away with it!" Everyone sat silently as Belarus was handled by security.

"Okay, I think it's time we do something about home security." England said.

End of Flashback Time

Alfred, Ivan, and Gilbert looked at one another. "Oh yeah…"

Translation

„Schlechtes Note Trio rah rah rah! Hageln nach thee Markierungsfahnen von drei, Spanien, Preußen und Frankreich": Bad Touch Trio rah rah rah! Hailing after thee, flags of three. Spain, Prussia, France!

Ooooooohhhhhh, Alfred and Ivan kissed! Well whatever. Review, and I'll give you a non-roach filled burger grilled medium-well. That one was for dyslexic-carmie.