I Only Wish
PoV: Irvine
Part 2 - Memories:
The Chain
-

You didn't ask about my tears. You only held me close, said hushed words of reassurance, and rubbed my back until I fell quiet.

After you sat with me, allowed me to sit between your legs and lean back into you. You spoke of simple things, causing us both to laugh lightly. All the while, I pulled your arms around me and hold them in place with my own hands. I closed my eyes and listened you to laugh, talk, breath…I listened to your heart beat…it was beautiful, like music to me…I'll never forget that moment.

Or how I felt when it ended.

You had been with me for over an hour…its felt like forever then only a moment when the spell was broken by the sound of your phone ringing.

"Hello?...but Aerith-"

I pulled away from you at that moment. No longer was I the center of your attention, not that I ever really was but up until that moment…I felt like I was. Then it was gone…

Soon you would be too.

Why had I felt so content before then?

I felt your eyes on me; questioning me in silence. But I didn't look at you. And you simply finished talking with her. It only last a moment longer and the phone closed.

"I'm sorry Irvine." You said to me. "I have to go."

Your voice sounded so…strained?

You must have had a lot of lose pieces to gather before you left. You had so little time to do so. And I would not help you. I refused. You couldn't fix us. Maybe distance would be best…

You hugged me from behind and I couldn't help but at least touch the strong arms holding me. And then you were gone…

Summer ended…and everything around me began to die…and everything inside of me as well.

School started…

It didn't mean anything to me. How could it? How could anything…

I was so lost. You were gone. We haven't been talking. And you left her here…with me.

How could anything be okay?

We started to speak through email starting the day of my seventeenth birthday.

It was such simple email. I can even remember it now…

Subject: Hey Birthday Boy~ 8

From:

To:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

YOU'RE AWESOME

YOU'RE 17!

CONGRATS!

Hope to talk to you soon buddy. It's been too long. I miss ya.

Talk to ya soon,

Love Zack.

I was just going to respond with a simple thanks…but then I couldn't stop typing. I told you I missed you and I was asking you all sorts of questions about college life.

You would respond and ask questions of your own.

And so we were becoming connected again.

You were my escape from what seemed a desolate world.

You were my pain, asking me to care for her while you were away.

How could you be so heartless?

No…

How could you be so blind?

No. Why couldn't I…do anything?

The fall passed into the death of winter. You came home that winter break…for her, I think. I avoided you and your calls. Because you were always inviting me to hang out with you and her…

You didn't get it.

And I didn't even want to bother trying to get through to you. How could I? Without confessing…

But you came over Christmas day…very late in the day. And you bought me a gift. It was a beautiful silver chain…I'm wearing it even now at your wedding…I've never taken it off…

I had bought something for you too…though I didn't plan to give it to you. It was just a simple grey, turtle neck vest zip up sweater.
You came, so I gave it to you.

Your face…the face you wore when you opened my simple gift I will never forget.

You ripped open the box like a child and then your eyes went wide and you gently lifted the sweater out and tried it on. I could feel the warmth in my cheeks at how special you were treating suck a simple thing. You zipped it up, felt it against your body with you hands and looked to me and smiled, "Thank you Irvine. This is the nicest sweater I ever got! I love it man!" you were smiling so much then looked slightly concerned to me. "You …like my gift too right buddy?"

I blinked and looked to the wrapped rectangular box in my hand. Quickly I moved to unwrap it, yet I did so gently as to not harm whatever you had gotten me. For whatever it was, it was already precious to me, because you were giving it to me.

When I lifted the cover and found the sterling silver chain inside, my breath caught at its beauty. It was the nicest necklace ever given to me…it was stunning and so …so much more than I deserved… especially for how badly I had been treating you since you had gone…and even before that. I had been cold and silent to you and yet…you give came to me, on Christmas, and gave me such a beautiful gift I…

I couldn't help but cry.

You took it wrong and came to try and comfort me, fumbling with words, confused by my response.

"What's wrong? Is something weird written on it? Is it the wrong size? Don't like silver? Uh uh—"

"N-no." It was hard to calm myself but you had cause my tears of guilt to laughter, "I do, I do. I love it."

You were so confused but noticing I had begun to laugh, you had smiled, looking relived I believe.

We spent hours together, just laughing, joking, being how we always were –when I wasn't scrutinizing how I could never have you.

But then it was almost midnight. You looked to your phone, then to me, and smiled. "It's been fun, Irvi. But I got to get heading back, getting late."

My smile began to fade but I reinforced it by will alone, "Ok…thanks for stopping over."

"No problem!" You stood, stretched, and paused when you seemed to catch my eye. You seemed to notice something there that was wrong, "Are you ok, Irvine?"

I blinked and smiled, "Yes…just tired." I lied…I guess it gets easier over time.

You seemed unsure, but your phone vibrated, catching your attention. You glanced at it, and looked to me. "Ok I'm going then." You smiled at me, "Good night. Merry Christmas buddy."

"Yeah…" I smiled a little, "Merry Christmas Zack."

And you were gone.

I touched the chain on my neck, you had placed it there, it was cold, just how one-sided love could be. I smiled, for you had chained me to you in more ways than one…and you would never realize it, would you?

I thought I would be ok with that.

As long as you would keep seeing me.

As long as our friendship stayed strong.

But I was wrong…

It wasn't enough, not even close.

But I wouldn't realize it,

Until it began to eat away at me…

To the point nothing mattered,

And at the same time everything.

I was being pushed and pushed by this to do something.

But what?

What should I have done?