I got dressed and left before he woke up. Not because I was ashamed of what we had done, not because I regretted, I was afraid that he would make me breakfast.

I turned on my phone and found several missed calls and text messages. I didn't take the time to read them. It was most likely them going on about how they were worried. I spat on the street, I found this disgusting but couldn't help doing so thinking about them. I felt bad about thinking like this. How could I convince myself that they didn't give a shit about me? Fine, they wouldn't answer my texts, they wouldn't always listen to what I had been saying, and they would rather miss a call than having to rush to answer it. It didn't mean that they hated me. I took a cab over to Jules house. I think he had been sleeping this time. "You decided to come around?" I told him how sorry I was. "You need to stay away from drinking. Do you have any idea how worried we were? Anything could have happened to you, you don't have control! Where did you even end up? Deidara was worried too, he cares about you, we all do! Then Sasuke found this tape in his bag! Why wouldn't you tell us about something like that? You got to stop starving yourself; you're so thin we have been worried about you for ages. We haven't said anything, you look more dead than alive, and then we get called up from reporter getting asked about your drug abuse because you've been seen buying drugs! It was a little bit too much on one evening! My girlfriend left me because I cared more about you than her, or so she said. She might be right you know, because there're always so many reasons to worry about you Ino. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"

I ran over and hugged him, I had been crying the whole time. I didn't know how bad things were, I didn't say I had been chewing painkillers on his doorstep like tic tac's. I would deny using drugs, I need pain killers. It wasn't like heroin or cocaine, I needed pain killers because there was always something hurting and I hadn't taken the time to get it through a doctor. "I didn't mean for anyone to see it, I was going to tell you all about it. I don't have an eating disorder, I don't starve myself, and I'm just not hungry anymore." I didn't say anything about the drinking. I didn't have a valid reason for that, just that it makes me feel better. It made me feel so much better when I hated who am I, every single fiber. "It's going to be okay, we're here for you, we're here." He tried to comfort me. Why did I only cause pain to those who cares about me?

We sat down in his living room, me in the couch, and he in a chair. He tried to feed me a sandwich. I turned it down saying I had eaten before I came over. He was new at this; he bought the simple lie without any questions. We sat there in silence, I took a cigarette. I offered him one, he took it. Had I been in a better mood I would have found this hilarious, but I didn't. There was a pizza box on the table and some magazines. Nick would sometimes read about us and show us when he found something funny. Something told me it hadn't been something funny that he had found this time. None of us knew what to say, we just sat there, smoking. I could picture us sitting there filling the room with smoke. I gave a small laugh, he looked at me. I leaned back. I could hear him stump his cigarette on the ashtray. "I do drugs." I opened my eyes and looked over at him. I looked for any sign that he might be lying. I didn't find any and moved my gaze to the celling. I had played with the idea that he was on drugs earlier, but threw it quickly away. "You're not the only one with problems you know. We all have flaws and we do things we're not proud of."

"I'll stop drinking if you stop doing drugs. It isn't good for you, you can get sick, and you can lose your mind. I couldn't stand losing you to something as drugs!" I went and sat on his lap, only so I could hug him. I started crying again. I couldn't believe how he could do something like that to himself, I couldn't see that I was doing the same to myself often twice over every day. "It can't be that hard, not when we have each other." I didn't believe myself, so I didnt think he would. "Ino, I hit her. I think I love her; still I treated her like nothing. She asked me to quit too, I can't, I can't!" We were both crying, he had both been suffering. We would both continue to do so, but we had each other now. It was some comfort. "I don't ever want to hurt you; I don't ever want to lose you Ino." I got a feeling of despair, that nothing could ever make me feel better, that my life would always stay like this. Nothing could ever get better. I broke off the hug and kissed him. It was different this time. We were both sober, but we were in desperate need to feel alive, to feel cared for and even as cliché as it sounded, worthy of love.

It was something in the rawness of our kisses, the pure desperation. His playful laughter that escaped him when he whispered in my ear that he couldn't unhook my bra, I had to do it for him. How he liked it when I bent down in front of him to pull down his pants. How he didn't like it when I stopped moving to kiss him so he would grab my hips and try to pull me up. It wasn't until we had come halfway he stopped me. "Ino, I'm not wearing a condom." I made the o mouth thinking. "I haven't taken my pill in two days to so." He looked so cute sweaty with his hair sticking to his face and flustered. "Let's move it to the bedroom." He kissed me; I couldn't help but to agree with everything he could say. He grabbed my hand and ran to the bedroom, I couldn't help but to laugh, not even half an hour ago I wanted to die. Now, now it felt like I've never been happier, it could be because I was doing something stupid that I knew I would regret. I just couldn't care at the present time, it felt too good.

We talked for a little while when we were done. I'm not sure who fell asleep first, but we slept until dinner time. He was sleeping on top of me. I couldn't help but to think that the gender roles would be switched if we ever were in a relationship. He smiled sheepishly at me when I woke up. "I could go for another round if you're up for it." If I had been stronger I would have pushed him off. "You're not believable!" I laughed, he just kept on smiling. "No! The answer is no!" He rolled off me, "It was worth a try." I started getting dressed, went to the bathroom and freshened up. "We got to stop doing this," I said when I returned. He was still in bed. "Want to go out for dinner or something?" I lay down beside him. "Being naked feels great!" I gave him a gentle punch in the shoulder. "Don't get too comfortable, I want pasta." He sighed and got ready. He was happy that I wanted to eat after all.

I had to call him a douchbag when he pulled the "I'm famous" card to get us a table and food before everybody else. I didn't say that I minded him doing so. "You got to use it for what it's worth." I could understand why he did so; he was interrupted several times during our meal, so the fast service was reasonable. We didn't talk much; I think it started to sink in what we had just done. I still don't think I regret it. We were so different in some way, but we fitted so well together. Maybe I did like him, it crushed heart that he had confessed to loving someone else that day. "Will you try to get her back, your ex?" He didn't answer straight away, he was chewing. "I've known her since I started school. She wasn't a girl I wanted to use and throw away. I would give a lot to get her back, but I think I hurt her too much. I don't deserve her, I think she knows that too." Like I ever had a chance with him.

Deidara was watching TV when I came back. My stomach was hurting I had eaten too much. On the kitchen table bottles and pillboxes were gathered. Deidara walked out of his room. "I cleaned out your room." I wanted to react with rage, but I had hired him to do this. "I'm going to stop drinking." I told him, I had my mind set on it even if I knew I would fail. "And the rest?" He was talking about the painkillers. "I can go to a doctor and get them legally if that makes you feel better. It's just easier for me this way." I knew that no doctor would give me what I needed, we both knew. "You got to stop abusing yourself, you can't go on like this! We're all worried about you, this is going too far." He was so stuck up! "I had sex with Jules today," I didn't know where I was going with this. I didn't know how I wanted him to react, with rage, with sadness, jealousy? I'm sure I didn't want him to just stand there. I went to take a shower since he didn't have anything else to say.