So As ALWAYS the world of Green Rider and its people are prop. of KB also if you have a problem with spelling and gram you will want to come back latter because really I have proofed this but thanks to Trina When she gives me her brilliant clean up and charm I will post it and take down the modern mascara of the English language. Please review I am begin you!!! Even if its just the word good or bad or long or sad just something ??? Also I am still working on cleaning up some pictures I have drawn. So I will hopefully add those links soon. Next CH Karigan is back.

---###---

Choosing to Leave

EPOV

"No offense Zachary but I never would have guessed you to be Kari's type/"

"Perhaps that is because It's very possible that I'm not." His voice was a whisper "Before she left she purposefully stared to avoid me. I wrote her letters she wouldn't respond to. She told Laren she didn't want to see me, but I have to believe she feels more for me than friendly concern and loyal obligation. The evening she was knighted I was going to speak with her face to face so I could look into here eyes and see for myself if she was hiding even the smallest flicker of love. I never got the chance because that's when she left." As he spoke the last words a ripple of pain shot across his face, "Oh... She left me." He began to crumple under the wait of, "I never really thought of her choosing to leave but… even if something else stopped her from coming back she was the one who choose to go on that ride and leave in the first place."

I had been studying Zachary since our engagement trying to sort out his mirth and merit. Recently he had spurts of anger or depression. I didn't like either mood they were unnatural and didn't fit him but that moment made me quake. It looked like someone had taken a knife and hallowed him out. The void that began to take hold of him caused me to fear that he would willingly scrape out and destroy the remainders of what was left behind himself.

"Zachary, she chose to go for a ride not to leave you. You are allowing your emotions to get the best of you." Looking into his eyes it was all I could do not to cry. I was looking in a Mirror from a few years ago; honestly the reflection haunted me still. Had I not met Karigan and seen a piece of Fryan living in her the sorrow of his choice to leave would have killed me. I knew what the king was talking about. It wasn't this one ride that broke him. Karigan and Fryan were the same, wild birds that took flight in the wind of destiny. It left Zachary and myself in the same place, loving something wild wanting to protect something that couldn't be kept. I always knew I would eventually loose Fryan for the sake of everyone-else, but I lived in denial hoping he would trade his freedom for my cage allowing me to own him keeping him forever to myself. But no one can train and wild thing without breaking it's beauty. I could only adore the beauty of his spirit while I was graced with presence.

I looked at Zachary one more time and saw the depth of his love for my friend. It was every bit as deep as my love for Fryan. More than just love it was a force so strong it altered a person forever filling them with need. I would never understand the heartache he caused Karigan, but I was intimate with his kind of grief, the brokenness she left behind would cause pain without reprieve. I would have to stay close to Zachary for the next few days. Even with his weapons he couldn't be trusted. I'm sure this choice would foster unnecessary hope in my father and perhaps gain some unwanted gossip in the courts but it would be a grave mistake to leave Zachary to grieve alone.

Zachary broke the comforting silence we had slipped into "Perhaps if I knew were I stood with Karigan it would give me some kind of solidity to stand on but right now I feel like I'm in quicksand and the more I try to move on the more I sink." His agony made me ache from my own emptiness left in the wake of Fryan's absence. Every pretense I had of Zachary's strength and self-sufficiency vanished and all I knew of him was our shared pain. I loved Karigan. She had become an anchor to my soul, giving me hope and helping me foster the will to live again, but when she went missing it was like loosing Fryan all over again. Only the after glow of the life Karigan had shined into me kept me to up this point.

Closing my eyes I leaned into Zachary finally allowing him to lead. In our last moments I hoped my friend had hidden a key that would help me carry on until her return, because she had to return. I began to replay the last few times I had her in my mind, studying every detail with the new knowledge of her circumstances. I rethought every conversation, looking for any hidden meanings. I came to an interesting realization and with the joy of it I began to giggle. It started out as almost a strange hiccup of laughter then grew until the small spasms of giddiness completely over took me. Zachary was shocked out of his own anguish only to be left with concern and puzzlement.

It was funny really. I could be so vain sometimes as if the answer to all of life questions could be found in me. I had to laugh. I was so self-focused trying to figure out my own way that I had almost missed it.

When Fryan died I was torn to pieces losing my hope, my purpose and my future. Everyday was a pathetic attempt to patch up shredded fragments of my existence. Karigan recovered the first substantial part of my life by giving me hope with her strength and friendship. I thought I could recreate some other missing pieces by marrying the Zachary. When I first agreed to the marriage it made since securing the kingdom would give me purpose and I could build a future meeting the needs of my King. How idiotic the kingdom would have to face the worst war it had seen in a thousand years I couldn't bring it security and how could I meet Zachary's needs. Even if he were interested in me, I could never love him the way he would need me too. Unlike my friendship with Karigan the more I tried to make these two new pieces fit in my life the more of me they chipped away

Every step I took toward being yoked with the King felt like a new link in an ever-growing shackle. It had become so heavy I had forgotten what it was like to breath free of its burden, and when I was loosed of it's choke hold I couldn't control my reaction. Every time I thought of it I just became more hysterical, thinking I would find my life's fulfillment in rising up a king I didn't love and his kingdom, but helping my king secure his love, who would then help him meet the needs of the kingdom, that I could do. Like the first piece of my new life, Karigan had helped me to find my purpose and future.

"Zachary look at me!" I was trying to get my laughter under control "Now think of Karigan. Can you even imagine kissing me right now little lone anything else that comes with a binding marriage. I can't even look you in the face without being embarrassed knowing you feel for her and how she feels for you."

"Estora I already told you I don't know how she …"

"Yes but I do know! She is brain numbing, life giving, all consuming at best painfully in love with you." I returned to the blatant sarcasm I had used the first time I said the sentiment to Zachary. "You might as well be my brother and the thought of being with you now is somewhere between awkward and hysterical. Zachary, Kari is called by some strange destiny that is impossible to understand but she needs you and will need you even more in the future and I know that you need her. At the same time I know how my father and the other Lords can be so I think it wise to keep up appearances at the same time we will prolong the wedding tell Karigan returns. Then the three of us are going to sit down and talk. The two of you will get on the same page and then we will figure out what to do from there. Agreed?"

Zachary took his arm from my hand wrapped it around my shoulder and gave me a brotherly hug. "Thank you"