Recovery and Regret
He awoke with a start, his eyes darting around the dark room. He didn't know what he had been dreaming, couldn't remember, but something had stirred him awake. His heart was pounding and he could feel the sweat on his forehead. He exhaled as his eyes realized he was still in his hospital room.
"Hey," he heard from beside his bed. He couldn't turn his head much at all, not with the neck brace still on, but he recognized Ashley's groggy voice. She came into his line of vision with a concerned look on her face. She looked tired. "You okay? Need me to get Dr. Chakwas?"
"No." He exhaled and tried to relax. "No I'm okay." Ashley took the cloth on the nightstand and dabbed at his forehead before sitting back down in the chair she'd moved to be closer.
"Bad dream?"
"I don't know. Can't remember." He winced a little at his pain as he tried to move just slightly. "I guess." He forced a smile her way. "Didn't I tell you to go get some rest?" It had been a few days since his surgery. He was still in pain, but mostly sleeping so he'd insisted that both Ashley and his mother get their sleep.
Ash chuckled. "Well your mother is our cabin, remember? And it turns out Liara talks in her sleep."
"She does?" He almost laughed, but thought better of it considering his pain. "What does she say?"
Ashley shrugged. "Just mumbling something about data and blueberries when I heard her."
"Blueberries."
"I think so. I just put my pillow over my head and tried not to listen. But she kicks too."
That did bring a smile to his face. He'd managed to stay awake and focused long enough for a short visit a couple days ago from Liara, Garrus, and Tali, but he'd asked them to keep their distance from here on in. He needed his rest. More than that he didn't quite know what to say to them about what had happened, and he was sure someone would ask soon. Hackett was already bugging him to do a report even though he could barely move and was so full of painkillers he could hardly stay awake.
"How's the pain?" Ash asked.
"Doesn't tickle."
"You sure you don't want anything?"
"Yeah. No I've had enough of that. Just wanna get out of this bed."
Ash smiled and took his hand, squeezing reassuringly. "You will. Soon."
"Wish they could get you a more comfortable chair."
"I'm fine." She kissed his cheek. "You should go back to sleep. I'll be here if you need anything."
He closed his eyes again as if her words had magic powers and slipped off into sleep, hoping he wouldn't dream again.
His mother kissed his forehead and then stood up, smiling. He smiled back at her. It had been just over a week since he'd woken up and his neck brace was finally off. They'd even allowed him to elevate his top half just slightly. He was able to move his arms without too much searing pain and they'd learned there was no permanent damage to his spine. He'd never been so happy to be able to wiggle his toes. He still couldn't get out of bed, but physically he was feeling a bit better. He had only taken one glance at his ravaged torso under his hospital shirt, and that had been enough. The state of his body had almost made him nauseous, and he hadn't wanted to see it since. Bruises would go away, but the scars from his surgery might not.
He was tired of scars.
"I hate to leave you like this," Hannah said.
He smiled at her. "It's okay. I'm in good hands here and I'm gonna be fine. Besides, you have to go take care of Dad now."
"Oh he's fine," She said. "He holed up in that god awful cabin of his out in the wilderness. He barely even saw a husk."
"And here you thought that place was a bad idea." Shepard smirked.
She sighed. "I have just a couple of days left before I have to get back to the ship. I should at least swing by and let him know how you're doing. It's hard to get any real messages across channels right now."
Shepard nodded. "Give him my love."
"I will." She smiled at him again. "Hopefully we'll see you very soon." She turned and walked toward the door, then stopped and turned again. "I've already said my goodbyes to your crew. They're a good bunch. I'm sure that has a lot to do with you." She chuckled softly. "And I like Williams. For the record."
He smiled. "Me too. Be safe, Mom."
She smiled and left, leaving him alone. He turned his head to look out the window. He hadn't been able to see what London looked like in the aftermath. Today was gray and rainy, and he wasn't sure he wanted to see the damage that had been done. The lives that had been lost. The figures coming in were staggering. Millions. So many millions and climbing. Maybe billions by the end of it all. He wondered if they could have been saved somehow.
Other news from all over was generally pretty good. Aside from the near genocide of entire species, everyone seemed to be organized and working to make things better. Ashley had heard that some contact had been made with distant colonies. Some of it was good news. Some of it devastating. The Council had been surprisingly cooperative with the various militaries in coordinating relief efforts and troops and operatives.
He thought of his crew. He was still avoiding them, still clinging to the safety of his bed. There was nothing for them to do right now except temporary assignments around London. Ash had told him their spirits were high, and that they'd even had a night of drinking on the ship in honor of him waking up. He smiled at the thought. His crew. They would follow him anywhere. They had. And now they had no commander, not one that could face them right now anyway.
He relaxed back and stared at the gray sky outside, wondering what was next.
Individual known only as "The Illusive Man" succumbed to single self-inflicted gunshot wound following confrontation that resulted in the shooting and subsequent death of Admiral David Anderson.
Console code entered. Citadel station arms control access gained and arms opened to allow Crucible objective. However, received communication from Admiral Hackett that objective was delayed due to unknown circumstances.
The events that followed
Shepard stared at the data pad in front of him. He had put off writing his report long enough about what happened. Hackett was getting impatient with him. It had been two weeks since his surgery and he was finally able to sit upright and move his body without pain medication. It made him groggy and fuzzy anyway and he didn't like it.
The bruises on his face were almost gone, though still sore. He still hadn't been able to get out of bed, but he was hoping that would change soon. He still hadn't allowed the crew to come see him. He didn't want them to see him like this, but he'd made a call to the ship a few days ago to boost morale and say hello. They'd all seemed really happy to see him. It had made him feel good, but something still felt wrong. He couldn't put his finger on it.
"You look confused." Ash sauntered into the room, looking crisp in her dress uniform. Her hair was fixed and in a bun and she wore just a little makeup. Her skin was bright and he couldn't help but smile affectionately at her. It was the first time since he'd been awake that she looked well rested and unburdened. He thought about what she must have been going through. They hadn't talked much about it yet. Ash was never one to push, and Shepard knew she'd been through a lot. Again.
"How was your meeting with the brass?"
She leaned on the side of his bed and crossed her arms. "Gave them my official report. The rest of the crew is going in today too. I'm finally getting caught up on all your paperwork though." She smiled. "Slacker."
"Thanks for taking care of all of it."
"Of course." She nodded to the data pad on his lap. "Doing your report?"
He sighed. "Trying."
She reached. "Mind if I -"
"Go ahead. It's far from finished."
She took the data pad and read what he'd written so far. Much of it was straightforward: Their arrival to Earth, the subsequent ground battles, the evacuation, the charge to the beam. All of it covered events that a hundred other reports would cover.
He watched her face as she read the parts she didn't know: Shepard's arrival to the Citadel, his confrontation with The Illusive Man, Anderson's death.
She looked at him. "And then...the Crucible fired right?" His stomach turned. He opened his mouth to say something to her, but he didn't know what. He closed it again and shook his head, finding her concerned eyes. She placed the data pad back on his lap and looked at him. "What happened up there?" Her voice was quiet and sympathetic.
He sighed. "I don't really know."
She took his hand. "I know that we haven't talked about it. And I know it's hard, that something happened that you don't want to talk about and I understand that." She shrugged. "But it's me. I don't want to push you, but..." Over their years together Ash's capacity for patience and understanding had grown immensely. She had had to put up with a lot. She'd had to trust him implicitly more times than he probably deserved. He owed her the truth, every damn bit of it.
He nodded. "No I know. I just..." Everything flashed through his mind then, the boy, the choices, the unbelievable story that he didn't know how to share with her, with anyone. He closed his eyes and rested his head back on his pillow. "After Anderson...after he..." He swallowed. He hadn't had a chance to grieve over his friend yet, and though now was not the time it threatened to be. "Hackett radioed, said the Crucible wasn't firing. Asked me to do something, anything." He shook his head. "I didn't know how, didn't know what to do to... I was barely conscious and then I think I blacked out."
"And then what happened?" Ash asked quietly.
"I can't be sure," he admitted. "I can't tell you how much of this is real or if I was hallucinating or what." She waited patiently. "I had lost a lot of blood..."
She squeezed his hand. "It's okay. Just take your time. Just tell me what you remember."
He felt his body tense slightly as he remembered what came next. "When I came to, there was a... being. A boy. Well it looked like a boy. You remember that boy I told you about, the one I had nightmares about." She nodded. "Well it was him, or... I don't know in the form of him or whatever."
"Who was this...being?" She asked. He could already tell she was wondering if he'd imagined the whole thing, but she was being patient and he appreciated that.
He carefully told her everything he remembered. He left out nothing, even describing the view from his position. He recounted the history he'd been told, the mind boggling truths he'd heard, the final choices he'd been given.
"I didn't trust it, didn't know if it was telling me the truth, didn't... I couldn't be sure of anything. I didn't believe much of what it was saying." He put his head down. "But I believed enough to make a choice. So I did."
"And you chose to destroy them."
He nodded. "Destroy them and countless others. I knew I would be destroying the Geth, all of them. I even thought of EDI. I thought... I hoped... that maybe it was lying to me, maybe I was just dreaming, maybe..." He exhaled and rested his head back. He felt his eyes start to sting with threatening tears. He blinked them away. "Over the last few years there are a lot of people dead because of choices I made. Too many." His voice shook. "So many."
"Listen to me," Ashley's voice was strong and authoritative. "You are the only reason that anyone is still alive. You may have death on your hands, John but you also have life. Because of you an entire galaxy is safe now. Because of you, people will be reunited with their families and loved ones. Because of you...I'm here." He looked at her. "And you're here." She kissed his forehead and lingered there for a moment. He relaxed slightly. "And if that was all real, if that really happened, even if that means your choice was the reason all of this happened," She touched his face and looked at him. "I believe you made the best choice."
Coming from Ashley, that was enough, at least for today. Tomorrow would be a different story. Tomorrow he would feel the same guilt he felt now, the same burden, the same exhaustion that could plague him the rest of his days. But today, for now, to have her believe in him was enough. He fought off another wave of heartache, both for those lost and for the woman he loved. He took a deep breath.
"So what now?" It was such an open question, one that he didn't know the answer to. Aside from all of the emotional fallout of what had just transpired, aside from the long impending finale to his years of effort, Shepard very suddenly didn't have a mission, didn't have an objective. He felt more lost than he cared to admit.
And then Ashley smiled, reeling him back in from his thoughts. "Now I guess you finish your report."
He looked at her a long time, her beautiful face, the face he went to in his hardest moments, the face that brought him comfort in the worst situations, the face he'd dreamed about when everything else seemed hopeless. He smiled back, just a little, their unspoken understanding permeating the room. He looked back down at the data pad in his hands.
Individual known only as "The Illusive Man" succumbed to single self-inflicted gunshot wound following confrontation that resulted in the shooting and subsequent death of Admiral David Anderson.
Console code entered. Citadel station arms control access gained and arms opened to allow Crucible objective. However, received communication from Admiral Hackett that objective was delayed due to unknown circumstances.
The events that followed
He stared at the last line for a long moment before deleting it.
Console code entered. Citadel station arms control access gained and arms opened to allow Crucible objective. However, received communication from Admiral Hackett that objective was delayed due to unknown circumstances.
Crucible activation initiated. Objective completed.
Mission accomplished.
He signed his name then on the line. He looked at Ashley. And then with a confident keystroke he sent the report to Hackett and exhaled a sigh of relief. As Ashley's arms enveloped him, he embraced her, kissed the top of her head that rested on his chest. The words played in his mind once again.
Mission accomplished.
And he smiled.