A/N: No need to panic over the title; it's time to fill in Carrie's thoughts from the last paragraph of her section with Mirkal from H is for Hormones.

I'm really glad to know you all enjoyed the light fluffiness of J. My thanks go out to Wtiger5 (couldn't have done it without you sis), Anonymous, HPforever-after, Daisyangel, HGRHfan35, greengirl82 and Guest (Comfort for a Hurting Heart). I really do appreciate having you all on board with me.

Rated T, with some deep, unhappy thinking.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Criminal Minds at all, although they do own me and I do own Carrie, Mirkal and Toby, Chloe and India, Kelly, Brad and Ben.

Killing Me Slowly

Mirkal shot another sideways glance at his soon-to-be wife and didn't like what he saw any more than he had when he'd glanced at her five minutes ago. This walk was supposed to be filled with love and laughter as they discussed any last minute details required for their upcoming wedding in two weeks. Instead, she'd greeted him almost listlessly, shooed him out the door softly because everyone was sleeping, linked her arms with his, and told him to lead them wherever he wanted them to walk. And that was the last thing she'd said to him before slipping into whatever deep thoughts were running around in her head. And he could tell none of them made her happy.

Spotting a bench facing the duck pond, he steered them off the path and over to the bench. For just a moment, he contemplated tossing her gently in the pond just to get a reaction, but decided that first he would try another tack.

"Carrie?"

He was surprised that she responded to the sound of his voice, but he was incredibly worried when he caught sight of the sick look in her eyes.

"Okay, enough is enough. You talk to me right now, or I'm walking away."

Please don't force me to take such drastic measures when all I want to do is comfort you.

She swallowed hard as a tear slipped down her cheek and whispered, "I'm dying."

"What?" He froze, unable to believe what she was saying.

She looked startled by his reaction, before paling alarmingly. "No, no, no! Mirkal, not physically, I swear." She sighed softly, realising she was going about this all wrong. Sighing again, she linked her arm to his and pulled him to his feet. "Let's keep walking."

He held her still until she turned to face him. "You're not dying? You promise me, before we do or say anything else, that you aren't dying on me."

She closed her eyes against his pain, then realised how unfair that was to him since she'd caused it. Opening her eyes, she lifted her hands to cup his cheeks. "I promise you, Mirkal Renhwah, that I am not dying physically. I am dying metaphorically though, but my not being clear about that is my fault, not yours."

He nodded slowly, the panic in his eyes fading as he folded her into a tight hug. "Please don't scare me like that again; I'm too young for gray hair."

She smiled slightly and pulled back. "Can we walk now?"

He gestured to the path and they resumed their slow pace on the winding path. "Will you talk to me now?"

"Yes," she said softly. "But you may not like what I have to say."

"As long as you aren't leaving me, we're all good."

When she didn't say anything for almost a minute, the panic came back; sharper than before and with claws ready to shred his heart. He stopped them again, though it was clear she wanted to move.

"We aren't walking again until you explain this, whatever this is, to me in a way that I can understand. No more pregnant silences, no more misunderstandings. Just spit it out. Now!" She flinched slightly at his raised voice, and he winced internally as he took her hands and squeezed them gently. "Honey, please; you're scaring me."

"I don't mean to; I just don't know how to adequately explain what this is. I mean, I know what I want, but I don't know how to get all of what I want without having to compromise something or someone that matters the world to me."

"I can't make things better if I don't know where to start or what I'm facing. So pick somewhere to start and we can work it from there."

She looked up at him. "I keep forgetting you're on my side," she whispered brokenly.

"Why? What did I do to make you forget that you're my world?"

"You didn't. You're an amazing man; one of the kindest and sweetest men I've ever met. The man I wish I'd married first."

"Why do I hear a but in there?"

She looked like she wanted to be sick, but she didn't pull away from the comfort of his arms, so he took that as encouragement that they were getting somewhere.

"When I left Vincent, I originally did it just to protect Toby. I'd long since given up on being protected myself. But a year later, a chance encounter with one of Toby's close friends at school led me to the Hotchners and I discovered what a healthy, loving family is like. For the first time in my life, I felt like I mattered to someone other than my child, that my skills as a mother made me an invaluable asset to the Hotchner family home. And both Toby and I started to heal from our physical and emotional wounds in the safety we'd found. Even when Vincent found us and our lives were at risk, I knew that the Hotchners and their friends would do everything they could to make it right. And I knew when I was kidnapped along with the rest of the girls that no matter what happened, Emily and the rest of the girls had my back. They had accepted me as a friend and as a sister and that meant the world to me.

"But now we're getting married and you have been my dream for years. I fantasized as a teenager and then as a young woman about marrying you and spending the rest of our lives together. Instead, through first your choice not to meet with me that last day, then through my choice to marry Vincent, my dreams got trampled and I started to believe that I wasn't important enough to even have those dreams, let alone see them come true. But through my new life with the Hotchners, I know now that this isn't the case.

"But I also know that I probably won't get all my dreams, and I'm struggling to come to an acceptance of that fact, and the accompanying knowledge that one of the two most important dreams of my life will need to be put aside."

It took him a few seconds to realise that her rush of words had come to a halt, and then it took another few seconds for him assimilate all that she had said. When understanding dawned, he felt a sharp pain in his heart.

"Do you think that, through perhaps not understanding what you want, that I would force you to give up on something important to you? Do you think that little of me?"

"What? No, Mirkal, no. It's not that at all. See? I told you I can't explain it very well. I'm doing this all wrong."

"So tell me your two most important dreams and lets work this together. Carrie..."

She bit her lip hard, hating the pain she was causing him because she couldn't give voice to that which mattered to her most. Yet to stay silent and do nothing...

"I want to marry you, and let you adopt Toby, and have babies with you and grow old with you."

"Sounds like a wonderful dream that is about to come true; well the marrying me and adopting Toby part anyway. The rest can just come when they come. What's the second dream?"

"You know I had a pretty horrible life overall. That the most normal and loved parts of my life occurred with you in India and in the time since I met up with Aaron and Emily. But now, in marrying you, I have to move out of the one place I feel complete, safe and whole, to start a new life with you. I can continue being the Hotchners nanny, but on a part-time basis because I won't be under their roof anymore and I'll be dividing my time between my new family and the only family I've ever truly had. And I don't think I'm ready for that," she finished in a broken whisper.

She was shaking so hard he thought she would fall apart. And the way she held herself, as if waiting for a blow or a harsh word, just about broke his heart. So he pulled her in close to his body and gently guided her head to rest over his heart. There, he held her until the shaking stopped and she relaxed in his arms. And while she stood there, unknowingly secure in his embrace, he thought about how he could somehow make all her dreams come true.

New Section

She almost missed the soft knock at her door, but luckily the person on the other side deemed it important to see her, because the door eased open and a head peered around the doorframe to see if she was awake.

"Hey Mirkal."

"Hi Emily. Do you have a minute?"

"I've got plenty. Come on in."

She eased her body up against the pillows behind her and patted the edge of the bed. "Sit and tell me what brings you here on Carrie's day off."

"I just came from a walk in the park with her. I'll need to head off to work in about 15 minutes, but I wanted to swing by and ask if you'd noticed how unhappy Carrie seemed to be lately."

Emily smiled sadly. "I'd noticed. I just can't seem to get her to talk to me. Then again, I think she may be conspiring with Aaron to make sure I'm not put under any undue pressure or stress."

"Is everything alright?" Mirkal asked worriedly.

"It's fine," she said grumpily. "My over-protective husband is simply paranoid."

Mirkal coughed and rubbed a hand over his mouth, trying to erase his smile before she spotted it.

"I'm sure he means well."

"Humph. The only one who truly understands is Teresa, so I'm not getting into it with you."

"Fair enough," he said with another attempt to hide his amusement. "That's not why I came here anyway."

"Mmm. You said something about Carrie, which leads me to believe that you are about to risk my husbands wrath."

Mirkal winced slightly, but nodded. "This is too important to stay silent on."

Emily shifted again, hiding a wince as a too-well-placed foot kicked her kidney for the third time in an hour. She gently stroked that spot, trying to calm the child within as she focused her whole attention on Mirkal.

"Start whenever you're ready."

"Are you sure you're alright?"

She waved that off and looked at him expectantly. With another sigh, he said softly, "When I left Carrie, she was trying to decide what she wanted most; marriage to me, or the job that allows her to live here, with her family."

Emily blinked slowly, her sluggish brain trying to wrap around that statement and figure out exactly what it meant. She didn't like how long that took but when it dawned on her exactly what he meant, she found she was suddenly as sharp as ever.

"Wait; are you saying that Carrie would seriously choose not to marry you if she has to move out of here?"

"Yes, I am." Her eyes grew huge as she listened to him detail the conversation he'd had with his fiancée not an hour ago. He concluded with, "I know it's asking a lot, but do you think Carrie and I could rent her suite of rooms from you and Aaron? Just until she feels more comfortable with the idea of us getting our own place."

"You do realise within the next few months, there will be four babies under 15 months living in this home. It's not going to be a quiet place to settle into your married life."

"I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is spending the rest of my life without the woman I love. The rest we'll sort out as it comes. That is, if you guys say yes. If you don't, I doubt Carrie will be a ray of sunshine for months to come and I know I'd probably end up being just as bad. And I so didn't say that to make you feel guilty..."

"It's alright Mirkal. I know you're just stating fact. I obviously can't make the decision by myself, so I'll call Aaron and see if he's got a few minutes to discuss it now before you leave. Then you can hopefully give Carrie the good news while she's still out and about."

"Are you sure? You've got two weeks here to discuss it before the wedding."

She smiled gently at him. "I know what my answer is and it really is just a matter of checking with Aaron, but I'm almost completely certain I know what his answer will be as well. In which case, you will want to be reassured soonest that everything is going to be alright. But first, help me to the bathroom."

"How do you normally manage this?" he asked curiously as he supported her as she stood.

"Well, you saw Jordan when you came in? Well, I'd call her to come and help me up."

"Can you get up on your own?"

"Not with any ease, and I tend to need to lean on something while I wait for the oxygen in my body to get used to pumping a little faster and harder while I'm upright and mobile. My passing out that day in the nursery was too scary for words."

"For everyone involved. Do you think India and Chloe remember?"

"I know they do. They get really distressed if I'm lying down with my eyes closed and not moving. And now that they're a year old and starting to say 'mama' when they see me, it's not only distressing for them, it's distressing for me to hear them wail 'mama' if they think something is wrong with me. Not to mention all the adults in the vicinity come running just in case something really is wrong."

"I couldn't imagine anything worse."

She nodded and thanked him as she eased into the bathroom. He waited outside until she was done and helped her back to bed. He watched as she pulled her phone out from under the pillow and hit a couple of keys. Then they waited to see if Aaron would pick up.

"Talk dirty to me baby."

Emily smothered a laugh. It was such an Aaron greeting at the moment, designed to make her smile through her discomfort. And normally she would respond appropriately, but not today.

"Well I would, but you've already made Mirkal blush, so I think I'll save that for later."

"Whoops. Sorry Mirkal. Wait, what are you doing in my wife's bedroom?"

"Talking to me about Carrie, and no you can't have a go at him for bringing the serious stuff to me; it was necessary."

"Fine, I'll let it slide; this once. So what's up?"

New Section

Carrie finished signing the log in front of her and accepted her pass from the security officer sitting behind the desk in the foyer of the FBI building. She turned towards the lift and nearly ran into Teresa.

"Hey Carrie, I thought that might be you. Are you here to see Mirkal?"

Carrie hugged Teresa and nodded. She felt better for talking to Mirkal. Knowing that he understood and he wanted to help her figure out a way to have all her dreams come true as much as she did had settled her nervousness. Receiving his message, that he really needed to talk to her because he'd come up with a possible solution, had set butterflies flying in her tummy. More than anything, she wanted everything to work out her way and though she knew that was unreasonable, it was how she felt and she'd take any help she could get. She hoped.

"You here to see Dave?"

"Mmm. He's taking me out for afternoon tea, because I've felt like old-fashioned scones with jam and cream for the last few weeks. And apparently he just knows the most perfect place in the city for it."

"He's actually going to let you get away with eating something that unhealthy? While you're pregnant?"

Teresa laughed as the lift doors closed. "I threatened to divorce him if he didn't let me indulge at least once a month. And then the doctor said that it wouldn't harm the baby, or me. I don't know; maybe I looked sufficiently convincing when I mentioned the divorce in jest or something. However that worked, I'm running with it while I can. I need to get some pleasure out of my discomfort."

Carrie joined her in laughter as they stepped out of the lift to be greeted by a grinning Mirkal. He picked her up after shooting Teresa a warm smile, spun her around and kissed her soundly.

"Guess what?"

She tipped her head slightly to the side and smiled back, because she couldn't not in light of his happiness. "What?"

"You're going to marry me in two weeks without compromising a thing."

She raised an eyebrow in question, but he just grinned at her and tugged her towards the bullpen. "Come on; everyone wants to say hello."

They followed Teresa into the open room and she was swept up in a hug from Kelly that was just a little bit too tight.

"Hey Kelly, are you alright?" she whispered softly.

Kelly pulled back and flashed a bright, shiny, fake smile. "I'm fine; I mean, why wouldn't I be? Teresa's here and she's pregnant. The guys here all have children, except for Dave, Esther and Mirkal, who will soon be adopting your son. You have your son. And I can't have children, so why shouldn't I be alright?"

Carrie gave her another hug as Kelly wiped away a couple of tears. "Don't mind me," she whispered sadly.

"What happened exactly?" Carrie asked.

"The adoption agency mentioned they might have a child for us a couple of weeks ago, but they called yesterday to say that we had been unsuccessful in this instance. We said we understood, but really; do they have any idea how much it hurt to have our hope get taken away like that?"

As Kelly started crying softly in earnest, Carrie led her away from the bullpen and down to the bathroom. She kept quiet, deciding that offering platitudes from her position as a mother was perhaps not the best thing she could do for this incredibly sensitive woman.

When they returned to the bullpen a few minutes later, Teresa had stolen Kelly's chair and was slowly swinging it side to side with her foot.

"What happened to afternoon tea with Dave?" Carrie asked as Kelly settled on the edge of Derek's desk.

"Dave and Aaron are in with the dragon lady. They all look pretty serious, but they say it doesn't have to do with a case, so we're just waiting for them to finish. Then we'll hopefully head off," Teresa added with a narrow-eyed look at Aaron's office.

"Is Dave driving you bananas yet?" Derek asked in amusement.

Teresa shot him a look full of mischief. "Now why on earth would you think he'd do that?"

They all laughed at her tongue-in-cheek response. "How long do you have to go now?" Mirkal asked curiously.

She stroked her belly with a small smile. "Just long enough that one or both of us may not survive Dave's caveman attitudes. I'm due in 9 weeks."

"More than you can say for poor JJ," Carrie added.

Esther tipped her head to the side. "How so?"

Derek shot her a relaxed smile. "She was due a week ago."

"Ouch."

"It probably won't be too long now." Everyone turned to see Penelope standing there with Gwendolyn in her arms. With a soft cheer, everyone gravitated to her side and it was several minutes later before Carrie thought to question the bubbly blondes' opening statement.

Penelope laughed as she watched Kelly cuddle her daughter. "JJ is nesting intensely. Will admitted when JJ was in the kitchen earlier today when I visited that she'd cleaned the house top to bottom twice in the last week. The nursery itself had been cleaned three times that morning."

"Sounds like Austin in the last few days," Reid said, then paled as he clearly heard belatedly what he'd said. He was pulling out his phone to call his wife as Erin Strauss stepped out of Aaron's office and headed off towards her own.

As she disappeared out of sight, they all heard Austin shout from the other end of the phone line, "No, I am not in labour. I have one week to go. Stop hovering." And it was equally clear as Reid winced that she'd hung up on him.

Penelope laughed outright as Derek chuckled, Kelly, Carrie and Esther turned their heads to hide their smiles and Mirkal just rolled his eyes as Reid blushed and mumbled something unintelligible.

Dave and Aaron stopped for a moment to admire Gwendolyn before Penelope said they were off to see daddy and retrieved her child from Kelly's reluctant arms. Then Dave helped Teresa up and they walked off to afternoon tea. Derek, Reid, Esther and Kelly returned to their work, and Carrie followed Mirkal and Aaron up to Aaron's office.

After several minutes of easy small talk designed to deal with her nerves, and that only made her more nervous with anticipation, Aaron said quietly, "Mirkal mentioned that you aren't ready to move yet."

She blinked in surprise at the sudden shift in conversation as she slowly nodded. "That's true. I feel safe where I am, and I feel that moving at this time would undo all the hard work we've all put in to get me to the point where I can fully be confident in myself and my ability to live my life without constant fear."

"Fair enough. Emily and I both wish you'd talked to us weeks ago when we first noticed you seemed to start struggling with this, but it was an easy enough decision to make. If you can deal with starting your marriage with four infants all living under the same roof, we are happy to allow you, Mirkal and Toby to keep your suite of rooms for as long as you need them. We would have offered them to you for free, but Mirkal explained his reasoning for paying us rent and we agreed with this and will allow it for now. And if I'm brutally honest, I'm relieved that this is what you want. Yes, you'll be away for a month on your honeymoon, but when you return and my paternity leave is over, I have the assurance that when I am away on cases, the two of you will be there watching over my family. And for me, at the moment, that is everything."

Carrie stared at him in shock. "You mean I don't have to go?"

Aaron grinned at her. "Not at all. You know why I'm relieved that you want to stay. Emily's relief comes from her understanding that this means avoiding having to interview for a new nanny, something that would take precious energy she doesn't have. So you are both more than welcome for as long as you feel you need to reach your goal of confident living in any situation."

"Just like that?" she questioned faintly.

"Exactly just like that."

"Mirkal?"

"I know you want to know if I'm truly happy with this arrangement. I went to Emily first, because I know she's been really worried about you. I told her what you'd told me and I told her that what I wanted was to stay because having you in my life is the single most important goal of my life at this moment. Life without you in it isn't worth living and I'm doing whatever it takes to prove to you that you are entirely worth it. And hopefully one day soon, you'll start to believe that yourself."

Swallowing against the need to burst into tears at that declaration, Carrie said wistfully, "I wish I'd said something sooner. I could have saved myself, Toby, Emily and the two of you a whole lot of concern."

"So what will you do next time?" Aaron asked with a raised brow.

"Say something sooner?"

"Exactly. Now, much as I'm loving this little chat, I need to kick you both out so I can get some work done before I head home."

Carrie jumped up and without thinking about it, raced around her boss's desk and hugged him tight. "Thank you so much for this. I really didn't want to move or go to part time work. Thank you for making all my dreams come true."

"Don't thank me; thank Mirkal. He's the one who loves you enough to go to any lengths to keep you with him."

She shot him a beaming smile and bounced out of the room. Mirkal shot his boss a grateful look and mouthed a heartfelt 'thank you' before following the love of his life out to the landing and pulling his door closed.

Carrie jumped into his arms and kissed him soundly. He ignored the wolf whistles and cat calls as he hugged her tight.

"So what happens now, Carrie. Now that all your dreams are coming true, what do you do next?"

She shot him a happy smile, a joyous turnaround from her resigned sadness that morning. "We get married and make more dreams together."

"Sounds like a plan honey, sounds like a wonderful, wonderful plan."

End

A/N: This chapter is proof that I listen to my readers; you wanted Carrie to stay on as nanny, and for Emily and Aaron to get a bigger place with a special spot just for the happy newlyweds. Well, if you remember the first alphabet, their place is just absolutely massive anyway and the rest has all been sorted now. So if you have any other words of wisdom or advice to share, feel free. I may just incorporate it in, but then again I may not. But I do read and appreciate it all.

And just so you aren't all left thinking I've left Kelly out in the cold childless, I promise you, I haven't forgotten her and Brad. You simply need to wait and be patient just a little bit longer. But it will definitely be worth the wait.

Stay tuned; L is for...

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