Hello, readers. It's me, back from the dead. I'm sorry that I've been gone so long. Between a series of health problems, family issues, and the revelation about my gender, I have had a lot on my mind. Thankfully, there is finally a lull in those problems. I decided over a cup of jasmine pearl tea to return to this fic. After all, it wouldn't be fair of me to leave it unfinished and I probably have quite a few chapters to go.
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Chapter 10: Four Things I Hate About Being Pregnant
Week 33
1. Your Body Wants to Destroy You
The Doctor was not happy. He wanted to go on an adventure and had even managed to land someplace interesting, but there were no evil plots afoot. He didn't know what to do when there were no evil plots. It was just he and Clara on a guided tour of the city, having left John with his grandparents for a while. The seats of the tour carriage were hard, unyielding, and very uncomfortable. This was made worse by the fact that the Doctor was having a particularly nasty case of hemorrhoids. Even worse, the street was mostly cobblestones and the ride was bumpy. Every time the carriage lurched, a harsh pain shot through the Doctor's arse. Still, Clara seemed to be enjoying it. The Doctor tried his best to hide the pain that he was in. It wasn't fair. Clara never seemed to have an issue with hemorrhoids when she was pregnant. If she did, she never complained about it. Uncomfortable seating was made even worse by terrble back pain. Oh, if only he could take some painkillers. Unfortunately, there were no painkillers availible in this city that had no potential adverse affects on human or part-human fetuses.
Another thing that compounded the situation was that the Doctor felt hot. Not sexy hot, temperature hot. Even a location that was slightly warm caused him to sweat. It wasn't fair. Usually he had no problem with most survivable temperatures. It wasn't scorching today. The weather was nice and balmy, or at least it would be to most humanoids. To the Doctor, however, it was a hot, humid hellhole that left him thoroughly miserable. Sweat had dampened his temples and had soaked his under-arm area, though it had yet to penetrate his 'magician' coat. The Time Lord swallowed quietly and used the paper tour pamphlet to fan himself. After a minute or so of doing this, his partner finally seemed to notice it. With a concerned look on her face, Clara asked, "Are you feeling hot, Doctor?"
"Nope." the Doctor replied, denying his discomfort even as a bead of sweat trickled down from his hairline.
"Doctor, you're sweating." Clara pointed out.
"There are lots of reasons why I could be sweating!" The Doctor argued.
"Doctor, I can tell that you're lying." Clara pointed out.
"There's no reason why I should be hot with a metabolism like mine." the Time Lord groused.
"I had that problem when I was pregnant with John." Clara said with a shrug. "Maybe you're having the same problem, too."
The Doctor folded his arms over his chest and grumbled under his breath. Clara rolled her eyes and took it as her cue to return her attention to the tour. The Doctor was getting a headache from all of his stress. He massaged his temples and tried to return his attention to the tour. Suddenly, he felt a sneeze coming on. He tried to fight it, but biology won out. With a mighty 'choo!' the Doctor sneezed loudly. As he sneezed, he felt a warm liquid dampen his underpants as his bladder had a rather significant leak. Immediately, the Doctor turned red. Great. His arse was on fire, his back was killing him, he was sweating like Niagara Falls, his head was pounding, and to make things worse, he had just pissed himself. He tried not to let Clara find out, but she was sitting right next to him and eventually smelled the urine. "Sprung a leak, Doctor?" the human said, sounding somewhat amused.
"It's not funny!" the Doctor hissed.
"You should probably clean up after yourself." Clara suggested.
"It's embarrassing!" the Doctor whined.
"Since when did you care about what was embarrassing?" Clara asked.
The Doctor sighed. She did have a point. When it came to a lot of things, he had no shame. Losing control of his bladder, however, was one of those things that he was embarrassed about. Before he could say anything, Clara raised her hand and said, "Excuse me!"
The four-eyed tour guide noticed her and paused his informing of the others. "Is there something you need?" he asked.
"My partner and I need to pop off to the loo." Clara said earnestly.
"Is it an emergency?" the tour guide asked with a small amount of irritation in his voice.
"If you don't stop this carriage, it will be!" The Doctor said earnestly.
The tour guide reached back and tapped the carriage driver's shoulder. "Stop the carriage!" he said. "If they make a mess of the seats, we could get fired!"
The carriage driver quickly pulled to a stop. The Doctor and Clara exited the carriage and quickly headed into a nearby restaurant, where they headed into the lavatory. They went into a stall and locked it. "How bad is it?" Clara asked.
"I think I need to change my trousers." the Doctor replied, still blushing a little.
"Do we need to go back to the TARDIS?" Clara inquired.
"I have a spare pair in one of my pockets." the Doctor responded.
Clara raised a brow and said, "Bigger on the inside."
The Doctor shrugged. He then took his trousers off and emptied his pockets. Two things that he pulled out were a spare pair of black trousers and a pair of boxer shorts that were blue with little yellow stars and red rocket ships printed on them. Clara raised a brow but said nothing as she helped the Doctor fill the pockets of his spare trousers and assisted him in putting his trousers and underpants on, despite his insistance that he could dress himself.
This day was physically and emotionally exhausting for the Time Lord. After a great deal of pleading, he convinced his companion to not return to the tour and instead return to the TARDIS. They took a cab back to the area where the space-time ship was located. Once they were inside the ship, the Doctor left Clara and headed to the kitchen, where he retrieved a bag of crisps and a jar of peanut butter. He then made his way to the common room, where he sat on the comfortable sofa and dipped the crisps in the peanut butter as he watched mindless reality television that he would normally find completely stupid. No amount of persuasion from Clara would convince the Doctor to change the station to something else. It was only when she heard him snoring that Clara was able to take the remote from him and change the channel to something with a romantic comedy on it.
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Week 33
2. The Constant Questions
Sometimes, even the Doctor could not avoid social obligations. Once again, he had been invited to a wedding. This time, it was a prince whose pet he had saved a few regenerations ago. That left the Time Lord and his companion standing in line, waiting to hand the invitation- The Doctor Plus One- to the guard at the prince's estate. Clara was in a rather lovely peach dress with a lacy bodice and a loose, ankle-length skirt. The Doctor, on the other hand, rebelled against the formality by dressing in his hoodie, a David Bowie T-shirt, and plaid trousers. An elderly female human-hybrid glanced back at the Doctor. When she saw his belly, she smiled. She turned to face the Time Lord and asked, "How far along are you?"
The Doctor frowned and said, "I don't see how that's any of your business."
The woman clucked her tongue and said, "No need to be testy, dearie. I was just asking a question."
When Clara spoke, the Doctor glared at her when she said, "Thirty-three weeks."
The elderly woman clasped her hands together and said, "Still a few months to go, then, if it's your wife's."
"My wife?" the Doctor questioned, feeling a bit puzzled.
"The lovely woman standing next to you, of course! I understand the confusion. Pregnancy brain. I've been there before."
Clara and the Doctor both spluttered for a few seconds before the Time Lord finally stammered, "W-we're not married!"
"Ah." the old woman said sagely. "Forgive me. I thought you were married. You and your girlfriend seem to fit together nicely."
"She's not my girlfriend!" The Doctor blurted hastily.
"Oh. Who is she, then?" the old woman asked.
Clara raised a brow and said, "Yes, who am I to you, Doctor?"
The Time Lord cleared his throat and replied, "I refuse to be your boyfriend. I will accept 'partner'."
"Anyway," the old lady interrupted, "is your partner the baby's mother?"
"Of course I am!" Clara said defensively. "Who else would it be?"
"Sorry, deary." the old woman smiled gently. "Sometimes these days, science trumps biology."
The Doctor glared at the woman until she handed in her invitation and passed through the gates. The Time Lord then handed in his invitation and walked past the guard, walking arm in arm with Clara. "You were glaring at that woman the whole time." the human female pointed out.
"I'm pregnant. My body is going topsy-turvy on me whether I like it or not. I have no time for pudding brains." the Doctor replied.
When the Doctor and Clara went to the temple and took their seats on a pew, they had no choice but to sit through the wedding ceremony. The Time Lord fell asleep several times and Clara had to elbow him when he started to snore. The ceremony was completely and utterly boring to the Doctor and he was glad when it was over. At the reception, the groom's best man, whom the Doctor had met before, told everyone a story that most of the people present had probably heard at least a dozen times before. When the Doctor was milling about amongst the other guests, the best man approached him with a bottle and an empty champagne flute. He opened the bottle and poured a bubbly liquid into the flute. He handed it to the Doctor and said, "Here. It's sparkling cider."
"Thanks." the Doctor snarked as he took the drink. "I'll try not to go on a bender."
The best man rolled his eyes, as this was not his first experience with the Time Lord's biting sarcasm. "Good." he said. "Can't have you acting outrageous in front of the gentry."
The Doctor scoffed and took a sip from his flute. After a minute, the best man asked, "Are you having a boy or a girl?"
"Not going to tell you." the Doctor replied with a frown.
"Fair enough." the best man said. "Are you going to have a hospital birth or a home birth?"
"Hospital, because I'm not an idiot." the Doctor grumbled.
"Natural or medicated?" the best man asked. "When my first son was born, my wife-"
The Doctor glared venomously at the man before turning and walking away. He stayed for another hour, about as long as he could handle, before retrieving Clara and leaving. Once the Time Lord was in the TARDIS, he took his human partner to their room. Once there, the Doctor had angry sex with Clara, who made good use of the strapless strap-on that the Time Lord had gotten her. Several mutual orgasms later, they lay in bed together. Clara, spooning the Doctor from behind, asked, "Was today that bad, Doctor?"
"Too many pudding brains." the Doctor grumbled. "It's easier to deal with them when I'm not sober."
"Well, look on the bright side." Clara replied. "The angry sex afterwards was amazing! I must have come five times!"
"Next time, only put your pseudo-cock in my mouth or my arse." The Doctor said. "I've decided that my vagina is for birthing only."
Clara hugged the Time Lord from behind and said, "I'll remember that next time."
After a moment of silence, the Doctor said, "I hope you were impressed with my blow job prowess. I've had centuries of practice."
"Centuries of practice?" Clara raised a brow.
"As you've probably guessed, that wasn't the first cock I've had in my mouth." the Doctor replied. "I remember when I-"
"Doctor, I don't want to hear any of your blow job stories right now." Clara said, sounding somewhat amused.
"I regret nothing." the Doctor said with a smirk.
"It can wait for next time you're about to use your amazing blow job technique on me." Clara said in a sultry manner, leaning in to whisper into the Doctor's ear. "It could be very, very sexy."
"In that case, next time you use your strapless strap-on, I will regale you with tales of fellatio past." the Doctor replied. "Right now, though, I just want to cuddle."
"That's out of character for you to admit that." Clara said with a quirk of her brow.
"Shut up." the Doctor replied. "The pregnancy hormones are making me clingy."
Clara just rolled her eyes and snuggled into the Doctor's back.
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3. Unwanted Touching
Week 34
The Doctor had recently come to terms with the fact that his body wanted to destroy him. He had wrestled with it for a while, but he had eventually accepted it. Accepting it made it slightly easier. Now that things were slightly easier to deal with, the Doctor made the decision to head to a 31st century music festival in America. One of the bands performing was the universe's best David Bowie tribute band. He had to admit that he was curious. Such curiosity led him to attend the festival in his typical hoodie, T-shirt, and plaid trousers ensemble. Clara was with him. wearing one of her typical distractingly short skirts. That distraction led to a quick hand job in one of the port-a-loos, followed the Doctor sticking his hand in Clara's kickers and stroking her until she came as well. When all was said and done, both of them felt somewhat disgusted, but at least the Doctor was able to cross something off of his bucket list. Quickie in a port-a-loo at a music festival, check. At least the facilities had hand sanitizer.
After a few bands had performed, Clara turned to the Doctor and said, "I have to pop off to the loo for a bit. You'll be okay on your own, right?"
"Of course I will." the Doctor replied. "How much trouble could I possibly get in at a music festiva- you know what, don't answer that."
Clara excused herself and headed off to the port-a-loos. The Doctor headed over to the refreshment stands and used some replicated money to buy a rather dubious-looking pulled pork taco and a mango-flavored carbonated beverage. The pulled pork taco turned out to be delicious, much to the Doctor's delight. The beverage was palatable. As he wandered through the crowds, enjoying his meal, the Time Lord found that he was rather enjoying himself. That was, until a young woman almost collided with him. "Watch where you're going!" The Doctor snapped.
"Sorry." the young woman replied. When she noticed the Doctor's tummy, she said, "Oh my god, you're pregnant. I hope I didn't hurt the baby!"
"The baby is fine." the Doctor groused.
"Oh, good." the young woman said. She then asked, "So, are you having fun at the music festival?"
"It's not bad." the Doctor said noncommitally.
It was then that Clara Junior decided to give a particularly hard kick. The Doctor winced and almost dropped his food. The young woman panicked and asked, "Oh my god, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." the Doctor replied with some degree of irritation. "She's just kicking like a football player."
The woman's eyes widened as she said, "Ooh, can I feel?"
The Doctor's eyes bulged as the woman, not waiting for a reply, placed a hand on his belly. Clara Junior kicked once more and the young woman giggled. Quickly stepping away from the woman, the Time Lord snapped, "Hey, hey, hey! No touching the bump!"
"Someone's hormonal today." the woman said with a raised brow.
"Away with you!" the Doctor said angrily. "I have no time for idiots!"
The woman let out a huff and walked away. Unfortunately, this was not the last time that someone did the unwanted act of touching the Doctor's pregnant belly. He had shooed all of them away. One of them, a rather large man, would not seem to go away. Left with cranky hormones and few other options, the Doctor punched the man in the nose. Clutching his bleeding nose, the large man said, "You cunt! I'll get security!"
"What are you going to tell them?" the Doctor scoffed. "That you got your arse kicked by a pregnant man?"
The large man's pride won out in the end as he walked away, grumbling under his breath. Eventually Clara returned from using the facilities. "Sorry I took so long." she apologized. "The lines were long and a drunk was hitting people with a giant, inflatable penis."
"At least people weren't grabbing you." the Doctor grumbled.
The Doctor noticed that Clara had decided not to comment. The music festival went on for three more days and on the last day, the David Bowie tribute band made their performance. The Doctor wouldn't admit it, but he was almost impressed. Still, he was glad to return to the TARDIS and get a good shower. While he was in the shower, he loudly sang several Bowie songs until Clara joined him in the shower and shortly afterwards, hot, playful shower sex ensued.
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4. Smug Sanctimummies
Week 34
It was about time, Clara had decided, that she and the Doctor attend prenatal classes. The Time Lord was not happy as he waited for the activities to start. "Clara, haven't you been through this sort of thing before?" he asked.
"I have," Clara replied, "but Jack was there with me, not you. You haven't been to these classes."
"Is it really necessary?" the Doctor groaned.
"It won't hurt." Clara replied as the instructor walked into the room.
The first thing was meditation over crystals and organic, GMO-free incense. The instructor said that this would help the mothers-to-be get into contact with the soul of their baby. The blonde human woman then went onto 'natural remedies' that were '10,000 times better than toxic vaccines'. The Doctor, of course, quickly realized that the woman was a complete woo* addict. Leaning in to whisper into the Doctor's ear, Clara asked, "Is she for real?"
"Unfortunately." the Doctor replied with a grimace.
"No negativity in this space, you two!" the instructor scolded. "It's bad for the skin!"
Once the instructor looked away, Clara crossed her eyes and brought her finger up, pointing it at the side of her head and twirling it in a circle. The Doctor could not help but grin.
"All right," the instructor said, "Now it's time for some deeeeep breathing."
The Doctor held back a groan as he looked pleadingly at Clara. The petite brunette merely shrugged and mouthed, 'Sorry'.
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After several long hours of pointless meditation exercises, it was time for a break for the pregnant women- and one pregnant man. To the Doctor's dismay, the other preggos had gathered around him, as he was the newcomer. "It's always nice to see newcomers who take an interest in their baby's health!" A tanned, honey blonde woman gushed.
"How far along are you?" a bony woman asked.
"Thirty-four weeks." the Doctor replied awkwardly.
"Oh, believe me, it only gets tougher!" a squeaky-voiced young ginger woman, probably around 26 years of age, said with a chuckle.
The tanned woman, whom the Doctor decided to mentally refer as Leatherface, smiled and asked, "Is this your first?"
"Technically, no." The Doctor replied uncomfortably. "My, ah, partner gave birth to the first one via C-section."
The women looked at each other and clucked their tongues disapprovingly. "That's no good." The bony woman- Skeletor, the Doctor decided- said with a frown.
"What?" the Doctor questioned.
"The doctor should have waited for the baby to come on its own." Leatherface said with a frown.
"Well, my partner wasn't-" the Doctor tried to explain, but the ginger- Squeaky- interrupted him.
"You didn't get the vaccine or the vitamin K shot, did you?" Squeaky questioned.
"Well, yes, we did." the Doctor replied.
"You shouldn't have done that." Leatherface scolded. "Who knows what kind of neurological damage the chemicals in the vaccines could have done to your child?"
"Well, my son is perfectly healthy." The Doctor said with a frown. "He's quite clever, especially for his age."
"You are extremely lucky." Squeaky replied.
The Doctor wanted to leave, but the three pregnant women wouldn't let him. "Are you going to have a home birth or a hospital birth?" Skeletor asked.
"It's best to do it at home, with no chemicals." Leatherface said. "It's better for you and the baby. I did it naturally with my daughter and I plan on doing it that way with this one, too."
Squeaky smiled and smugly said, "I gave birth to all five of my boys, at home, with no meds."
The Doctor raised a brow. Dear gods, this woman must have spent most of her adult life pregnant if she had five children at 26. Did they not believe in birth control?
"I hope I'm going to have a boy." Leatherface said with a smile. "My husband and I don't know the sex. We don't believe in ultrasounds. The radiation could hurt the baby."
The Doctor wanted to slam his head against the wall repeatedly until he couldn't hear their woo and stupidity anymore. "Well, boys are great." Squeaky said with a broad grin. "All five of mine are healthy and unvaxxed and homeschooled."
"It's best to look out for your babies." Skeletor agreed. "That's why my kids are unvaxxed and I feed them an organic vegan non-GMO diet. They're super healthy. My oldest has only been to a doctor once and the others have never been to a doctor at all. I don't want them to vaccinate my kids while I'm not looking."
The Doctor could only look on in horror as the trio of pregnant woman spouted out more woo nonsense. Eventually, the subject of breastfeeding came up. "All of my boys were exclusively breastfed." Squeaky said "I breastfed my oldest until he self-weaned at four years old and my second-oldest just self-weaned."
"I, uh, don't think that my man-breasts could handle that." the Doctor said awkwardly.
"You just need to detox." Skeletor replied. "That way, you'll get plenty of milk."
"I don't plan on breastfeeding." the Doctor said brusquely.
All three woman looked at him like he had just suggested shooting puppies for fun. "You're going to formula-feed?" Leatherface gasped. "What kind of father are you?"
"If you feed your baby that garbage, you might as well feed him or her blended-up McDonalds food!" Squeaky said angrily.
"Formula barely contains any nutrients!" Skeletor said with faux-concern. "Breast is best!"
"You'd better not be thinking of vaccinating that baby, too!" Skeletor said angrily. "If that baby gets vaccine injured, it's on you!"
That's it. The Doctor had enough. He pointed behind the women and shouted, "Look! An autistic teenager formula-feeding a vaccinated baby while eating a non-organic, GMO burger!"
The three women turned to look out at the street and the Doctor took the opportunity to flee to the lavatory. His phone in his pocket vibrated and he took it out to see that he had gotten a text from Clara.
Clara: Where are you?
Doctor: In the loo, hiding from pudding brains.
Clara: How bad is it this time?
Doctor: They're science-denying woo addicts!
Clara: Oh my god. I'll keep them distracted. You take the back door out.
The Doctor waited until he heard the sound of Clara talking to the three pregnant women. He carefully sneaked out of the lavatory and crept out the back door before heading over to the TARDIS. Once inside, he sent a text to Clara to inform her that he was there. After a few minutes, the door to the TARDIS opened and the petite brunette walked inside. Clara closed the door behind her and leaned back against it. "My god, those people are idiots!" She exclaimed.
"I told you!" the Doctor said frustratedly. "Next time, do your research before you pick out a place with prenatal classes!"
"I didn't know it would be like this, I swear." Clara said earnestly.
"Whatever." the Doctor huffed as he walked away.
"Where are you going?" Clara asked.
"I'm heading to the kitchen." the Doctor replied. "I have the inexplicable urge to make non-vegan, non-organic tacos with GMO ingredients."
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After several cups of jasmine tea, I've finally finished this chapter. I fucking love tea.
I'm pro-vaccine. If you have a problem with that, keep it to yourself and out of the comments. I have no time for anti-science derping.
*Woo
n.(or adj), the way a person is when they uncritically believe unsubstantiated or unfounded ideas.