It was dark in his room but Neal didn't need a light to be reminded of Yuki at every toss and turn. He was supposed to be sleeping but how would he do that. He couldn't remember what it took to lay down and sleep anymore. How does one sleep? Just lay there and tell the body to shut down? It was so strange that the body needed to completely shut down to get rest. His body needed rest but his mind wasn't all for that plan. Lying in the dark gave him time to think. Part of him hadn't been shocked by the news. When a servant had come running for him, he had a gut feeling of what had been about to happen. He prayed he was wrong. He prayed and hoped and wished for injury at best. In the infirmary Kel and Shinko looked worried but none the less worse for wear. His father informed him that they had been seen to by his assistant and their injuries shallow cuts next to what had happened to his Yuki. She had fought bravely. She had killed her Spidren even after it had cut her so deeply in several places. And no, he hadn't been upset with Kel or Shinko over the whole thing. They had done exactly what he would have. Defend the Crown, defend Shinko's person at all costs. He would have given his life and he knew Yuki gave hers for her friend without more than a moment's regret. It was the harsh reality of the warrior class. Death was always a possibility.
Neal marveled as he laid in the bed, clutching Yuki's fan to his chest, that only a couple months before he had thought that Yuki had been the safe choice in love. That Yuki was safe at home and Kel would be the one he would eventually mourn if he managed to outlive her. But here he was reminded that even close to home the Immortals, the more vicious ones, didn't care about what was supposed to be safe. The Royal Forest was perfect hunting grounds for Spidren and close to the palace they would be able to pick off the gentry and their horses. Few Lords knew more than a few parlor tricks with a sword and true ladies were supposed to know nothing of martial arts. The fact both Spidren were good and dead made him feel a bit better. It was already settled in his mind that he would have to ask Shinko and Kel to help Karin learn the glaive at least. His daughter would learn to defend herself from the same young age that proper Yamani noblewomen did. When she would decide to leave the safety of his embrace for the big bad world, she wouldn't go unprepared. She'd have the same fighting chance her mother had, and perhaps more if he turned her training over to Kel.
It was enormously comforting to know that Kel was there for him, holding strong and steady as she always had, despite the fact Yuki had been her friend. What had Yuki said? Shinko and Yuki had found Kel and treated her like anyone else when they were on the Islands together. The other children had mocked her and teased her before her family was favored by the Emperor and then they had faked their friendships. Shinko and Yuki were the first true friends Kel ever had. And naturally Kel returned their kindnesses when they came to Tortall. She had been the one to introduce them and she taught Neal a great deal about the Yamanis before Yuki and he became too involved to avoid all sorts of misunderstandings. Kel would be hurting too. Perhaps he should go and check on her, offer his shoulder to cry on. But no, Dom was out there and despite the tension between them, he would let Kel break down and comfort her and Kel would not feel guilty about being inattentive to Dom.
The fact Dom asked for leave to come and spend a few days helping him adjust to this sudden change made him feel once again that Dom was a better brother to him than his own younger brothers. And he hardly knew his sisters anymore. It was odd how family had a way of taking its own shape. Speaking of family, he had to consider Karin. She would be distraught when she realized Yuki was truly gone but she wouldn't remember too much. He would have to save Yuki's things for her. Perhaps store them until she was old enough to wonder about her mother. Of course Shinko and Kel would tell her tales of her mother and teach her the culture her mother came from. But he also needed to think about possibly taking a position with the palace healers. He might be a knight but he could be a desk knight. He owed it to Karin to find a stable position and keep her arse out of harm's immediate way. Neal hardly noticed his eyelids were drooping as he thought. After a few more thoughts on the benefits of being a desk knight, Neal finally passed into Ganiel's hold.
Neal stood in his study lost in a thought he couldn't even remember. When he turned he could see Yuki in the door. She gave that same twitch of the eyebrow and slightest nod towards the other room to indicate it was tea time and he was late again. He followed her to the low table and sat just wanting to look at her. Her dark hair was perfectly combed straight to her waist. Her peach colored skin was left unpowdered and her eyes left unlined. Her dark eyes still held a liveliness he could only imagine was deeply shameful in Yaman according to everything Kel said. She nodded to the bowl of green tea in front of him and kept an internal sigh to himself before he sipped at the bitter liquid.
"I am sorry that I had to leave you," Yuki told him quietly in her accented Common. "But I did my duty and I am not sorry about it."
"Nor would I ask you to be," Neal assured her. "I just wish the outcome would have been different."
"We can wish for anything we like, but that doesn't mean we can have it. And it certainly won't change this now." Yuki smiled at him, a rare true smile. "Remember Karin will need you."
"As if I could forget," he felt the tears welling up in his eyes again though he swore he could cry no more after his outburst with Kel earlier. "Ai shi teru," he whispered. She got up and walked around the table to kiss his temple.
"And I love you," she sat next to him and let him hold her for what seemed like an eternity.
Neal woke slowly still feeling like he was clutching Yuki close to him. He could still faintly smell the scent of her hair. When he opened his eyes he realized he was clutching her pillow to his body his nose and the rest of his face buried in it. Of course it still smelled like her. He expected to wake up feeling bleak like there would be no light in his day, no reason to get out of bed. But for some reason he felt okay. He liked to believe that Yuki had visited him one last time in his dreams to give him the peace he needed. It seemed to make more sense than it didn't and he knew he wouldn't have the same feeling of being okay if he thought his grief wracked brain and heart had made it all up.
Looking out of the window Neal realized it was just dawn. It was rare for him to be awake so early but then again he had gotten a good rest despite everything. He washed up and changed thinking about how to start packing up Yuki's things. Roald and his father had helped him through funeral arrangements the day before, taking advantage of his numbness to get things done. As he finished cleaning his teeth and combing his hair he thought that perhaps Kel would know a good place to start and better ways to store things for best preservation. He walked out into the sitting room expecting at least Kel to be awake. She was always awake before dawn even in the most awful of times.
Instead Neal stepped out of his room into the sitting room to be treated to the sight of the pallets that had been on opposite sides of the room the night before, pushed together. And his cousin sleeping with Kel curled up against him. There were tear tracks on Kel's face, marking she had indeed broken down after she had put Neal to bed the night before. But there was a certain satisfaction he felt seeing Kel in Dom's arms. He could think of no better thing to make him feel better than knowing Kel finally had something she desperately needed, and of course he had gotten it to her in a roundabout way.
He could only imagine how Dom had finally approached Kel or when. He refused to think their newfound open love for each other came in the middle of the night when Kel was crying. He didn't want to think Dom had finally come to his senses after seeing Kel distressed. But Neal also knew the powerful effect Kel's true emotional distress on any man that cared about her. He had felt the pull to care for her himself only two months ago. But then that was a very distant feeling now. He knew he and Kel would never have worked the way he and Yuki had. Kel was far too patient with him. And he knew she'd never look as comfortable in his arms as she did in Dom's.
He had wished it would have revolved around that damned lilac dress that Lalasa had created. How perfect for Kel to be stared at in awe by the man she desired? How perfect of an 'I told you so' would Neal have had with her beauty and adoration. But already the sensible Kel in his head told him that first of all, a man who only liked her because she wore a dress was not a man she wanted, and that she didn't have the gown anyway so he could stop thinking about it, thank you very much. Since he was fifteen the sensible voice in his head was always Kel. And he certainly had never met anyone more sensible with both feet firmly nailed to the ground.
A knock on the door drew his attention away and Neal answered thinking it would be his father checking to make sure he survived the night or Roald coming to apologize once again. He knew Shinko and Roald both felt somewhat responsible. They knew the positions the people that cared about them and owed duty to them often put themselves in and the consequences of such things. Neal would have to assure him somehow that he in no way held them accountable for Yuki's passing. The spidren that had tried to prey on her was accountable and no one else. And it was already dead.
Opening the door he found a young servant with a cart. Of course breakfast would come to him now that he was grieving. Everything was convenient when one was emotionally devastated. He stepped aside to let him through to set the trays out on the low table that had replaced his dining table the moment Yuki entered his life.
"Is there anything else I can get you, my Lord?" The servant asked quietly after he finished setting out his burden.
"Perhaps you could have a bath brought up in an hour or so?" When the servant nodded Neal gave him a coin for his trouble and closed the door after him. When he sat down to one of the trays he noticed how hungry he was. He hadn't eaten the night before, or really since breakfast the day before.
Neal was halfway through his eggs and bacon when he heard the rustle of blankets that told him one or both of his guests were waking up. He waited a moment in silence because he knew he was out of sight on the ground at the table. A couch blocked the pallets from his view and him from their view. The shifting continued for another few seconds before he heard his cousin's voice. "Kel, you should get some more rest."
"But Neal…" came the quiet reply.
"He's doing alright. He's eating breakfast." Dom's voice was calm and quiet. It stunned him to think that Dom had been awake. He had been certain that Dom was asleep that whole time. But then again hadn't he heard Dom's former squad say it was nearly impossible to prank Dom. He knew all of the tricks and if they snuck into his rooms at night or in the morning, the prank was always undone before it got too far. Neal suspected Dom had mastered the art of faking being asleep and that he was actually a fairly light sleeper. It only made sense since he was in the Own and they had to be awake at a moment's notice. And that Third Company was infamous for pranks.
"Get some sleep Kel," Neal sighed, moving his eggs around his plate with his fork He hadn't wanted to announce himself and make them uncomfortable just yet, but it seemed like he would have to. "Goddess knows you need it." There was more rustling of cloth and then first Dom, then Kel came to sit at the table. "If you want tea, you'll have to make it. I didn't want to wake either of you with unnecessary noise."
"You always make unnecessary noise," Dom told him good humored. "It's one of your charms."
"Very true," Neal gave a tired smile. "Then I shall make some tea. I think we'll all need it today."
It was quiet for a few moments as Neal stroked the fire back to life and put the teapot over it. He found Kel and Dom watching him concern showing through both of their attempts to have blank masks. "I'm okay," he told them. "Well, not okay but I'm not going to break either."
"Do you want us to leave?" Dom met his eyes.
"Not really. I don't feel like being alone in these rooms just yet." He sat on the edge of the couch while he waited for the water. "You two looked comfortable this morning."
"Kel was cold, I was being a gentleman," Dom gave a charming smile. Immediately he received a slap on the shoulder from Kel. "Would you prefer we sleep apart?"
"Not at all. But I'm going to save my 'I told you so' for a time when I feel like throwing a big party in my honor." Neal grinned for a moment and then sighed. He had sat at that table with Yuki plotting these moments not that long ago. Now Kel and Dom were together and she wasn't here in person to see it. He would have to be doubly annoying about it when he had the energy just to make sure she was covered. "Oh, Kel! I ordered a bath up for you. I figured you'd want to clean my cousin's sweat off of you." He cringed.
"I don't sweat," Dom said loftily. It seemed Dom had at least caught on that Neal would rather banter than talk about why he was doing better this morning. "I glisten with fresh mountain dew."
"Is that what you call it?" Neal laughed outright. "Pigs sweat smells better than your mountain dew."
"Pigs don't sweat and you're both silly," Kel informed them both. "Neal, sit down. I'll finish the tea." She paused as she passed him. "And thank you for ordering the bath." She hugged him around the shoulders with one arm before forcefully hauling him up and giving him a shove towards the table. Neal smiled and went. Yes, his heart ached. Yes, he felt a bit numb. The woman he loved was gone and no one would have blamed him if he had crumbled and sat in his rooms and cried. It was devastating to lose someone so special. But at the same time, he knew Yuki was right in his dream. Karin needed him. And what he needed to get to a state where he could be alright enough to be alone in the rooms that were marked by Yuki's presence, what he truly needed, was Kel and Dom and the playful banter the three of them all had. That, and the mug of steaming black tea loaded with rosehips and orange peel that Kel handed to him.