Take me to the river...drop me in the waaaater!
THE WETTENING
Mr. Elliot had caught the flu. Nick was therefore the substitute teacher for Gaz's class. Not that she minded. He was funny in a lot of ways. Today they were learning history.
He'd brought a guitar with him…and had a cowboy hat on the desk.
"Now the Iraq War was…GOD, I just…" He began snickering madly. "Sorry, when I think about it, I just…anyhow, although the war was declared "over" more than 5 years ago, it's still…" He brushed his hair back. "The only way to describe the situation best is through…a love song. You see kids…" Nick smiled. "Politics is struggle and debate, infighting, backstabbing, deal-making, abuse of power, character assassination and love often is too!"
"Love IS politics without all the sex." The guidance counselor Mr. White said, walking by the doorway. Nick stuck his tongue out at him then faced the class again.
"So this song imagines an encounter between George W Bush and the nation of Iraq in order to explain the way in a way you might get." Nick said, putting the cowboy hat on his head as he began to play.
Hey baby, you're lookin' so fine!
Can I buy you a drink, what's your sign?
"Mission Accomplished", that's MINE!
I betcha can't waaaaait!
I'll pull out…I'll pull out! Baby I promiiiiiiiiiise!
I don't care if you've been with my dad!
Or how many INSPECTORS you've had!
I love you best when you're bad,
You're in a rouge staaaate!
I'll pull out…I'll pull out! Baby I promiiiiiiiise!
Just to spend one night on your mattress-side…commit fratriciiiiide!
I know that you want me inside…
I know how to keep you OCCUPIED…
Hey baby, when have I lied?
I'll give it to ya straight…
I'll pull out…I'll pull out!
Baby I promiiiiii-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiissss-Woops, too late!
Nick put the guitar down as the class began to snicker amongst themselves.
"Hey…I just realized something!" Gaz said, speaking out loud. "Unlike that administration…the SONG had an exit strategy!"
Everyone ROARED with laughter.
It was Wednesday the 7th of October. The classroom of Ms. Bitters was COVERED in globs of paste that were dripping everywhere. It sloughed down the walls, dripped down from the ceiling, some kids were COVERED in the stuff and…well…
Keef blinked. He had been glued to the ceiling somehow. Lizard Boy was stuck to Brian's desk and Aki had accidentally stuck her head to her own desk. Spoo, who had also been stuck on the ceiling, was bouncing up and down on a bungee cord of glue.
Ms. Bitters frowned down at Melvin, who had paste on his lips. "So, young man, now you see that there's a price to pay for eating paste. Would you say that loosing the use of your mouth was worth it?"
Melvin nodded, smiling stupidly. "Mmm-hmmm!"
Mr. White passed by the hallway with a lighter and a very large bottle of easy-spray cooking oil. He grinned as he sang to himself. "Burn, burn, burn down the Hot Topic, burn it down! Take control, burn down the Hot Topic!" He laughed evilly.
Zim just laughed. "Stupid silent glue boy!"
Then there was a roar of thunder. He glanced at the window as rain hit the window with a ploppa-ploppa-plop sound. What the? What WAS that?
Sensing Zim's nervousness, Dib popped out from behind Zim's desk, a big smirk on his face. "What's WRONG, Zim? Don't they have rain on your planet?"
Zim lied through his teeth. "Of COURSE! We…oh such RAIN we had! Eh…it was delicious!" He said, sweating slightly.
TCHA-WHOOOM!
Lightning struck the school and the lights went out for a moment, then turned back on as the rain came down harder and harder. Zim glanced around nervously as Ms. Bitters raised her hand.
"OUT." She said. When lightning struck the school, that meant an early dismissal, no questions asked.
Kids ran out of the school…save for Zim, who stood under the covered patio of the front entrance, looking at the rain as the kids ran out into it. Nervously he held a clawed finger out and a drop of rain hit…
It burnt through the glove and his finger began to smoke. Quickly Zim pulled it back in, eyes wide with pain. He noticed Billy Slunchy was passing by and put a hand on his shoulder.
"So this…"rain"…is it poisonous?"
Billy gave him a look like he was the dumbest person on the planet. "What're you, CRAZY?" He asked. "You're KIDDIN', right?"
He ran out into the rain. Dib stood behind Zim, arms crossed as Zim watched the children sing and play in the rain, forming circles and dancing around, splashing in puddles, big smiles on their faces.
We love rain! We love rain! Splash, splash, splash! Fun, fun, fun! Rain, rain, rain! We love rain! We love rain! Splash, splash, splash! Fun, fun, fun!
"Damn it! How am I supposed to burn the Hot Topic down NOW?!" White muttered angrily, kicking the spray can into the trash and walking back into the school.
Dib looked angrily at Zim. "GO, already" he thought. Zim nervously stepped onto the school's front steps and exposed himself to the rain. Nothing happened…
He turned around and grinned triumphantly at Dib…then started to smoke.
"YEEEAAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!" He screamed, running around the front lawn of the school as Dib began taking notes on a notepad. Gaz, umbrella in hand, looked at the scene before her.
"I'm heading home with or without you, Dib. Preferably without you!" She snapped.
"Go on, Gaz! I've got work to do." Dib said. "Fate of the world" kind of work!"
"Dib, hold on, Zim's really hurting…" Nick said, raising his hand to stop him…
Too late.
Zim continued to run around, screaming. Gaz put a finger to her lip. "Ooh! Maybe I should stay and watch!...nah, forget it." Not today. Normally she liked seeing this kind of thing but this was one moment that was more pitiful than funny. She opened her umbrella as Zim dove under a tree, groaning in pain. He turned his head and saw Gaz was walking by, the umbrella sheltering her from the rain. Getting an idea, he leapt on her, picking her up, knocking the umbrella out of her hands and holding her above his head to shelter him from the rain.
Gaz snarled down at him angrily. "If you wanna keep all your limbs, Zim, you will put me down, you will put me down now!!!"
SFX: Angelic choir
Then the rain stopped as light poked it's way through the clouds. Putting Gaz down, Zim smirked as Gaz walked over to her umbrella, picking it up with a grazed look in her eyes. She was about to beat Zim senseless when Dib suddenly jumped into a puddle that was right in front of Zim and…
SPLOOOOSH!
He and Gaz were soaked again. Zim screamed in pain as he started smoking again. He fell into the puddle and began squirming around, shrieking in pain as Gaz frowned at Dib.
"Oh, I'm SORRY, Zim!" Dib laughed. "I meant for that to be a BIGGER splash!"
And so, Gaz and Dib headed home. Gaz, however, was not…appreciative…of Dib's "genius".
"THAT…was your "fate of the world" work?! JUMPING IN A PUDDLE?! You do realize I'm going to have to destroy you when we get home." Gaz muttered.
"Worth it." Dib said, shrugging. "Score one for the human race! Score nothing for the Zim…thingy…race…" He scratched his head.
IRKEN. The narrator corrected.
"Right, Irken." Dib remarked.
"Yep. I'm destroying you." Gaz said, nodding.
"You just can't appreciate my strategic masterminding. Now I know that water causes him extreme discomfort and can use this to my advantage!" Dib said happily. "I'm just so SMART!"
Karma time... The narrator said to Gaz privately, making her grin in apprehension.
"I swear, sometimes even I scare myself with how amazingly I-" Dib went on, bragging. Well that did it…
Zim jumped out from behind a corner, screaming in Dib's face. "BOOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA!"
"OOOOH!" Dib screamed, arms pinwheeling as he fell over into a puddle, splashing Gaz AGAIN.
"How amazingly you can fall into a puddle? I agree." Zim remarked.
Dib sat up, frowning. "Alright, Zim. You wanna play this way, I'll get you back! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon! Soon, watery vengeance will be mine!"
Gaz spat out a fish from her mouth, then pulled up one sleeve.
Dib and Zim were later found, stuck inside of a mailbox together, which, according to both sources, was "Hell" because "Zim doesn't brush his teeth", and "Dib's breathe is pure hellfire". Therefore they spent much of Thursday nursing sore heads. So…on FRIDAY…
Ms. Bitters was peeling an onion with a very large knife, frowning as usual. "As punishment for the paste incident, today will be devoted to having your minds erased!" She snapped. The words "Paste: Your Chance for Redemption" were written on the board. Today's activity? Paste art.
Zim put some paste on a piece of paper and then put the paste spreader back into it's container, mumbling how much he hated this. He noticed suddenly that some paste was stuck on his glove. Frowning slightly, he quickly pulled out a scanning tool from his PAK and looked the paste over, then the paste container. He noticed Dib was looking at him intently…
Wait, not anymore. Dib got up and calmly walked over to the nearby sink of the art room they were all in, turning the handle EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY…now a single droplet of water began to drip out…one drop at a time…a variation of the Chinese water torture. Zim gulped and began squirming with each drip of water. This was REALLY cruel…
BRIIIIING!
School was soon over. Zim was currently hiding from Dib behind a lamp post, desperate to avoid his hated nemesis and…WATER. He tried sneaking away, but almost ran into a puddle. Shrieking, he ran the other way, then hid behind a fire hydrant. Dib would NEVER find him-
DRIP…DRIP…
He saw water dripping from the in horror, Zim backed away…
"Hey, ZIM!" Dib called out, tossing a water balloon into the air with one hand and catching it. Then he threw it through the air…
It knocked Zim down, then flew into the air, bounced off the ground and then finally struck Zim on the head.
"YEEEEIIIIIIEEEEKKKK!!!" Zim shrieked, going into spasms. Dib smirked coldly as Zim wriggled around in pain, smoking and screaming horribly.
"AAA! Why must this BEEEE?!" He howled.
Uh, cuz you're trying to take over the world?
"NOT…HEEEELLLPIIIING!"
Dib smirked as he stood above Zim. "How advanced is an alien race that can't handle a little water balloon? I don't even feel good about winning this one!"
GOOD, you SHOULDN'T! That was really MEAN, Dib!
Zim stood up, hissing. "You win this round, perhaps, but watch your back, Dib!" Zim snarled, holding up his gloved hand…revealing a piece of water balloon was in his hand.
"Now that I have access to your water balloon technology, I will annihilate you down to your every last cell! On Monday we settle this…like CHILDREN."
Dib rolled his eyes and walked off as Zim looked at his hand, seeing the water balloon piece was STUCK. Frowning, Zim yanked it off, seeing that it was stuck to the paste that had gotten on his glove earlier. HMM…
…
…
…
…later, in Zim's lab, Zim analyzed the paste, his eyes scanning the ingredients. An idea was forming in his head…as was one in Dib's. Dib showed off a diagram of his latest plan to Gaz: A sketch of a device that was attached to a sketched version of himself's back. Gaz showed off her own picture: A green monster of some kind gobbling Dib down.
"…your compassion is heartwarming, sister." Dib mumbled.
Meanwhile, Zim looked at the paste on a cellular level through his computer system. Seperating one molecule of the paste he placed it inside over a small, microscopic box and tested to see what would happen if water hit it…
And he was surprised to see that the paste that covered the box protected it. The box was untouched by water! And so, as Dib continued to work on his blueprints, Zim placed goggles over his head as he held up a brush covered in paste. "For SCIENCE." He said, covering himself in the paste. "GIR?"
GIR pressed a button on the wall and a shower turned on over Zim, covering him in water which…f
Sloughed off. He was unaffected. The paste had saved him! GIR pressed another button. Water balloons shot through the air, smacking into him and…the paste saved him once more.
Dib put a welding mask over his face, grinning. There was no WAY Zim would be able to match THIS…
Zim studied his latest device, rubbing his hands. Yes…YES…this would be perfect. It needed one more touch…
He held up a stamp with the Irken symbol on it…his baseball card for his "bike", if you will.
…
….
…
…the day of reckoning had arrived. Dib was asleep in the garage. Rolling her eyes, Gaz approached him and frowned. "Hey GENIUS, it's Monday!" She snapped. Dib's head snapped up…his hair sticking out in all directions.
"…and tape your hair down. Sheesh." Gaz said, walking off.
…
…
…
…school had not yet begun but EVERY kid was interested in seeing what was going on. Dib had strapped a large tank of water to his back and now a large crowd of kids were looking at him as he looked around for Zim.
Gaz smacked herself in the face, groaning. What an IDIOT her brother was!
"Zim, you coward! Come out here and face me!" Dib yelled out.
Realizing what he was up to, a group of kids moved out of the way, showing Zim. He was perfectly still, crouching slightly in a cowardly position.
"Poor little Zim, all that alien power and brought down by a little Earthly water!" Dib crowed. "Pretty obvious who the superior being is here!"
Zim didn't move a muscle. Odd. Dib frowned. "Zim, get up already! Seriously, Zim! Get up! You think this is funny!?! Are you making fun of me!?! You know what? You're just asking for it now!"
Nothing happened. Zim kept cowering. Gaz, however, had walked off and was going to find her rain jacket…
"OKAY…" Dib hissed. He pressed a button on one of the double handles that were attached to the tube on his back. Some water went into a tube from the tank and into a water balloon, one of many unfilled ones that were attached to the tank. A mechanical arm sprung from the tank, followed by two more, which popped up into the air, knocking one kid back and creating…
A VERY large slingshot which was now situated over Dib's head, a large string of rubber taut. Dib pulled a lever and THWOOSH! The water balloon soared through the air. Dib laughed in triumph…
But that laugh died away into a gasp as it went THROUGH Zim and splattered to the ground.
A HOLOGRAM!
A small device beneath Zim exploded and "Zim" vanished. Dib gulped. If Zim wasn't THERE, then…
All across the city, people were finding water was…vanishing. A lady in the shower found the water just STOPPED. An old woman in an inflatable tube thingy gasped as her pool drained away. The dam itself began to lose water!
Vasquez frowned as his aquarium lost its water. He rolled his eyes, one hand on his glass of water…
The fish in his aquarium hopped out of the now-empty tank and into the glass, trying to find water just as Vasquez raised it to his mouth.
SLURRRP!
He blinked…then clutched his chest. "AAAAA!" He howled, going into a spasm on the ground, choking on his goldfish.
"Hang on, I gotcha!" Nick said, picking him up and performing the Heimlich Maneuver.
Fountains were drained, the toilets…all of SOARED up from the ground into a tornado of water that swirled up into the sky…going into a space station far above the town. The station was like a gigantic ring with rubber stretched along the inside. The water was forced into the rubber…making a GIANT water balloon with, per GIR's suggestion, a smiley face on it. Inside a small control center on the RING, Zim pulled on some levers as the end of the balloon was closed off…it was full. Two tubes emerged from the ceiling and formed gloves that covered Zim's hands as two large mechanical arms unfolded outside the station. The movement of Zim's gloves echoed the hands outside as he tied a knot in the balloon, and then the gloves shot back into the ceiling. Satisfied with this, Zim programmed the targeting system to aim right for the city…
TARGET LOCKED.
The satellite flipped around so the water balloon faced the earth and it let go…
THWOOOOOOOSH!
People ran screaming as a HUGE shadow covered the town. Dib stared up, entranced by the sheer AWESOMENESS of this water balloon. It came down…down…DOWN!
And then hit a telephone pole.
POP!
…well…you can guess the rest.
"TIDAL WAVE!" White laughed as he rode atop a mailbox in the huge onslaught of water that resulted from the balloon. An unfortunate window washer was swept into Steve Ressel who lost his hold on the hot dog he had in his hands as vans were overturned, the school building…along with many others, was TOTALED and people went flying.
"There's no place I'd rather be, then on my surfboard out at sea!" Nick sang as he rode atop a surfboard down the tidal wave, hanging ten.
…
…
…
…groaning, Chunk hoisted himself atop of an overturned bus. The Slunchy brothers were resting atop a bent-up pole that looked somewhat like a TREE now.
"Why if it isn't Merry and Pippin!" The guidance counselor Mr. White laughed as he pointed at them.
"HA-HA! Just get us down!" Billy begged.
Lizard Boy and Flan were sitting atop a piece of wood as Keef was sitting in front of a volleyball.
"WILSON! WIIILLLSOOON!" He sobbed.
Dib, who had gone under, was now floating atop the water. "The WETTENING…the wettening…" He whispered.
Gaz walked by him, the water finally becoming shallow. She dropped a water balloon on his head and walked off, heading back home to play Game Slave as Dib blinked stupidly, getting up. Zim whistled happily as he walked past a duck, going to the front door of his house…which was totaled as well. GIR was in his disguise, playing in the water with a rubber piggy as Zim approached the toilet that led to his lab.
"Helloooo!" GIR said to his master as a whale blinked it's eyes, deposited behind the toilet. GIR then spat some water out of his mouth. "I've got a BLOWHOLE!" He said.
"GIR, I'll be in my lab bathing in paste. Don't disturb me." He ordered. He stood in the toilet and pressed the lever…
Unfortunately, due to Zim's fiddling with the system, the toilet malfunctioned…and began to flush him.
"YAAARRRGH!" Zim screamed, clawing at the toilet bowl as he tried not to slip inside. GIR just played in the water as Zim slipped in deeper and deeper.
"AAA! Help! My head is stuck! GIR! Help! I can't breath, I can't…YEAAARRRGGH!"
"Hello and welcome to "Ask an Irken" with Invader Darth!"
Darth: Hello generally inferior life forms. Nice to meet you. I'd get up and shake your hand, but I'd get your…heh-heh…GERMS on me. So I'll just begin by answering a couple questions that are common about Irken society…
"Why the heck did Red and Purple get the names they got? Is it a "Tallest" thing?"
Darth: No. Names are chosen randomly and then downloaded into a smeet (baby irken) when their PAK is fully set up…how are they chosen randomly? Computers look through a baby-names e-book.
…what' with the silence? Nick, are they giving me a look?
"Yes."
Darth: Hey, I didn't design the system. See you next time! And review this story!