Heeeeey! Like a bad case of herpes, I'M BACK, BITCHES! Well, let's see…I had a WONDERFUL 4th, I hope all of you (again, who celebrate it) had one as well. So, with the *ahem* formalities out of the way, let us commence with the story, here…
It's evening now, and Eddie's bunch are in Downtown Tokyo, as sort of a stop-over for a break…
Chavo: SIMON, ESE! I'm ready to party!
Eddie: Ok, ok, man. Guys, here's the plan. We've got our reservations at the Park Hotel! So, here are all of your key cards. Don't lose this shit, alright?
Trish: Ooh, I think I'm just going to get a martini and then call it a night. It's been a long day.
Shaggy: Trish, I tell ya', you've got the right idea. Hey Eddie, whaddya' say we all split up? We passed a sushi restaurant that has me and Scoob's name on it!
Eddie: Eh, ese…that's cool with me, but be sure to be back at the hotel at a decent enough time so that you can get up tomorrow—don't forget, we're normally AWAKE during these hours at home, so we're gonna' have to be EXTRA careful about the partying.
Chavo: Hey, c'mon Uncle Eddie—we know that, let's PARTY, homes!
Eddie: Hmm…LET'S PARTY, ESE!
So each of them go off on their separate way…However, we're sticking with Trish as she heads over to the Tokyo Bar…
Trish goes in and sees an empty seat up at the bar. She sits and one of the bartenders approaches her…
Bartender: Hello there, are you ready to order?
Trish: Ummm…yeah, I'd like a few Grey Goose martinis—um, no, wait…I'd like some Grey Gooses-es? Is that it? No…no…I'd like some Grey…Geese?
Bartender:…
Trish: Ah…fuckit—gimme'a FLOCK of vodka, please! Haha!
Bartender (smiling): Haha…ok, coming right up, miss.
A couple moments pass and the bartender returns with the drink…
Bartender: Will that be all?
Trish: Yes, thank you.
Trish sips her drink when, out of the corner of her eye, she sees two people walking up to the counter. She almost does a spit-take when she sees who they are…
Trish: Wha—OH my God!
The guys turn toward her…
Carter: Hey Li, look it's Trish Stratus!
Li: I can see that, Carter. Hello, Ms. Stratus!
Trish: Hi boys, fancy meeting you two out here—why are you two in Tokyo, anyway?
Carter: Well, we on vacation. We gonna'get some "moo-shoo", BABY!
Li (smiling): Yeah, we go to massage parlor, later.
Carter: Don't forget, Li—you promised NOT to have us in another massage parlor just to take another one of your cases, man! I ain't GETTING' my butt kicked by a bunch of 5-foot four triads, man!
Li: No, I didn't forget…don't worry, Carter. I got this! And the Triads are based out of China!
Carter: Ok..well-JAPAN-ads, then! And listen to you—"I got this", maaaan, you becoming more black by the minute!
Trish: Hee-hee…he IS, is he?
Carter: Trish, lemme' TELL you where Li had us goin'—he took me to, uh…Wong's Sushi and Soul Food! Wong had about 9 little Tiger Woods-lookin' kids running around the restaurant! 'Dey momma was walkin' around with one baby hangin' from her left titty and a baby that was hangin' halfway down from in between her legs like he was trying to get out of her womb, or somethin'! Don't nobody want to see that, MAN!
Li: But, you have to admit—their collard greens were the bomb…uh, diggity! You see, I had 'de collard green with mac and cheese, with fried chicken. Carter had a couple Dragon rolls.
Trish: Aaaaahahahaaa—you two KILL me! I hope you guys make another movie soon! I LOVED that movie you did last year-Rush Hour 2!
Carter: I don't know, baby. You just gonna' have to stay tuned. It was nice seein' you, Trish.
Li: Yes, it was nice seeing you, Trish!
Trish (raising up her glass): Ok, have a good night, boys!
(Carter and Li exit the bar…)
Carter: Li, I'm tellin' you—I coulda' HIT that!
Li: Oh please, Carter! You always say that about every girl you talk to!
Carter: No I don't—you just mad because these women think I'm tall, dark, and handsome…and you 3rd-world ugly!
Li: Look, Carter, for the ump…teenth time—I'M not third-world ugly! Women LOVE me! They think I'm cute!
Carter: Ok, when's the last time you got the filling sucked out of yo' eggroll, c'mon, tell me!
Li: We—well, last week!
Carter (skeptically): Last week?
Li (smiling): Remember Ginger?
Carter: That wasn't no girl! She had an Adam's apple!
Li: I didn't see one!
Carter: Maaaan, that shit was bigger than MINE!
Li: Whatever, Carter—don't hate 'de player, hate 'de GAME!
(Carter looks at Li with an "oh please" expression and they walk on—Carter's dancing down the street as they go…)
Hey, how about we join up with DX, over in Jolly old England? Let's go!
HHHunter: Hm…I think we should get some dinner, soon—I'm getting kinda' hungry.
HBK: Well, that restaurant in Oxford that Harry mentioned shouldn't be too far away.
Harry: Actually, guys—it's about 90 kilometers away—just up the road here.
X-Pac: Oh, there's a sign for it, too! Damn, that steak looks fuckin' AWESOME, dude!
(HBK sees the restaurant and drives up to it and parks the bus…)
HBK: Ok, evvvvrybody out!
Harry: Awesome, only 5 other cars—we're SURE to get a good seat! We beat the rush!
HBK: What? Does this place fill up fast, or something?
Harry: Oh, hahaha…you can say that, Mr. HBK.
HBK: I've been meaning to tell you—just call me Shawn, ok?
Harry: Whatever you say, Mr Shawn.
HBK: But I just—nevermind, let's go eat, guys.
(DX approaches the waitress and she leads them to a table…)
Host: How do you fancy this table, gents?
HHH: Oh, we, uh…we fancy it quite well.
Host: Splendid. Here are your menus. I'll be back momentarily to take your orders.
X-Pac (looking around): This seems like a pretty swanky place. Good idea, Harry.
Harry: Wait'll you taste the food! I'm having my usual Fish n' Chips, of course.
HBK: Hmm…the Heart-Break Kid needs a li'l steak in his life, sooooo…I'm ordering the Prime Rib. How about you, Hunter?
HHH: Um…I think I'll have the bacon-crusted pork chops. They sound friggin' awesome.
X-Pac: Well, I think I'll have the Angus special with streaky bacon-and that shit better be crisp, too!
HBK: Here she comes…
Waitress: Have you decided yet, gents?
HBK: Uh yes…
(The boys all place their orders and the waitress nods and heads toward the back…)
X-Pac: Guys, I'm heading next door to the bar. Page me when our food gets here, dude.
HHH: Yeah, I got you, Pac.
(X-Pac leaves and heads next door—and WE'RE following him…)
X-Pac: Damn, it's kinda crowded in here—what the!
(X-Pac squints and sees an evil-looking blue-haired guy that he hasn't seen in AGES sitting at the bar with some blond guy, a girl, and…Donald Duck? He approaches them and…)
Blue-haired guy: …and that is why I'm so evil. I show NO mercy! All who shall come before me will fall!
X-Pac (sneaking up behind the guy, interrupting): -And I see you're talking the saaaaame shit—even today, huh?
Blue-haired guy: Who DARE to interrupt me?
X-Pac: I do, THAT'S who!
(The guy and the others turn around..)
X-Pac: Seph, Seph, Seph—how many times have I told you?
Sephiroth: Well, well, well—my old nemesis…X-PAC!
X-Pac: Been a long time, eh Sephiroth? What are you doing in fucking OXFORD, of all places? Aren't you supposed to be in Japan?
Sephiroth: Meh…I got tired of Japan. I wanted to see the world, so I hopped on my dragon and flew here to England.
X-Pac: Hey Seph, who's the crowd?
Sephiroth: Oh, this is Cloud, this is Tifa, and this is—well, this is Donald Duck.
X-Pac: Donald Duck? Hahaha…I bet someone's under that costume!
(X-Pac reaches for Donald's head and starts pulling up, trying to remove the "mask".)
Donald: HEY, NIGGA!
X-Pac: Holy fuck! This really IS Donald Duck—and it's nice to see you when I'm NOT high on 'shrooms, dude! And…why do you sound…black?
Tifa (changing the subject QUICKLY): Well, it's nice meeting you, uh…X-Pac, was it?
Cloud: Yeah, I'm Cloud. I know it's odd to see us hanging with Sephiroth, but, well, we're looking for a quest that'll help ALL of us.
X-Pac: What do you mean?
Tifa: Ok, Sephiroth is evil incarnate—if you've ever played the Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts series—you KNOW this to be fact.
X-Pac: Yeah, ok…
Tifa: Well, Cloud wants the darkness to finally leave him so that Sephiroth will leave us BE once and for all.
X-Pac: Well…what about Donald Duck?
Tifa: Oh, him? Although HE'S almost as evil as our pal Sephiroth here—he needs to get back to Disneyland.
X-Pac: Hmm…you know, I'm on a quest, too. In fact my boss is IN Florida NOW! He sent me and my friends on this race to get him some beer and porn. He's looking for a certain magazine and a certain type of booze that can't be readily found here, apparently.
Cloud: Hmm…I think I see where you're going. Is there some sort of prize for winning this, uh…race?
X-Pac: Shit yeah, dude! The winner gets to run his or her choice of the shows AND head up the inaugural wrestling draft. So, how about it? Wanna' join me and my buddies?
Sephiroth: Hmm…what you say does make sense. It shall be a pleasure for people to witness the greatness that is Sephiroth in the squared circle. Count me in.
Cloud: Tifa, Donald, you guys in?
Donald (grabbing his crotch): That's what I'M Talkin' 'bout, QUACK-QUAAAACK, nigga'!
Tifa: Sure, I'll be there for you, Cloud.
Cloud: Ok, count us in, too, man!
X-Pac: AWESOME! Ok, our car is the bus parked out front. I'll introduce you all to the guys once we get done eating. You guys stay here—HEY BARTENDER, NEXT TWO ROUNDS—ON ME!
(Sephiroth raises his beer mug as X-Pac pays the tab and leaves. X-Pac heads back over to the restaurant…)
HHH: Where ya' been, man? We're almost done.
X-Pac: I TOLD you to PAGE me!
HBK: Whoa, whoa, whoa…he paged you! Look at your beeper.
(X-Pac looked at his beeper and realized that he forgot to put it on vibrate—the din in the bar must've drowned out the beeper ring.)
X-Pac (rolling his eyes): …damn.
HHH (shrugging, smiling, and taking a huge bite of steak): See? Told ya'!
X-Pac: Man, whatever. Hey guys, I got us some new recruits—in fact, they're waiting outside by the bus!
(Harry, HHH, and HBK stand up and look outside…)
HHH: Are you nuts, dude? THAT group of misfits?
X-Pac: Hey, give them a chance! In fact, that blue-haired guy out there—he knows more about being evil than you'll EVER know, Hunter. You could learn some things from him.
HHH (wiping his mouth): Well, does he know the power of the pin?
X-Pac: He's so evil, he doesn't even HAVE to!
HHH: Then I look forward to meeting him—in the ring!
X-Pac: Fine…whatever, dude. All I know is—7 heads are better than one.
HBK: Hey Pac, you, uh—you gonna' eat that baked potato?
X-Pac: (sighing): Didn't you hear a WORD I said?
HBK: Sure I did, but did you hear what *I* just said? How about the baked potato?
X-Pac:…
HBK: Well?
X-Pac: Ok, here—eat the stinking baked potato!
(HBK quickly takes his fork and takes the potato off of X-Pac's plate.)
X-Pac: Well, anyway guys, um…I convinced—
Harry (interrupting): -Uh yeah, how about your fish?
X-Pac: What?
Harry: Your fish, are you going to eat it?
X-Pac (growing impatient): NO, just TAKE the damn fish! For anyone that wans my steak, FUCK OFF!
(An awkward silence…)
HHH: Ummm…can I have your soda?
(X-Pac just glares at HHH as he packs his steak in a to-go container.)
HHH (hands raised): Hey, hey…just thought I'd ask, s'all.
I'll leave it off here. The next chapter will be at "the same time" as this one, if you know what I mean. It'll focus on the other two teams and it'll be considered the same day/night.
.
Gee, I wonder if X-Pac will let ME have his cheesecake? And will Trish flash her tits again-you know, like she did earlier?
Well, I don't know the answer to that one, but I CAN tell you not to forget to tune in next time—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!