remember to read Georgia's side first. :)

Dave

Triangular Pop Corn

Tuesday 20th September

7.20am

Woke up in one of those really good bouncy moods when you can spring out of bed straight away and not walk around like a dozy zombie. Yessssss.

6 minutes later

I am in quite a dancy mood so when I was getting dressed I turned my music on. Loud. The Residential Loons started yelling for me to turn it off because they were hung over (serves them right).

So I put it on full volume.

4 minutes later

It is a skill getting dressed whilst mad dancing. One that I don't have. I somehow managed to put all my shirt buttons in the wrong button holes and I looked like a wally. A wally that had got dressed in a dark cupboard.

Which is not a good look.

8.15am

Uh-Oh. Midget Alert. The two Titches were skulking around outside my house. Oh Pants.

I was going to make a sneaky get away but they noticed me before I reached the bushes. Dratty drat drat.

They were all bumbly and blushy and said, "Hi Dave!"

I said, "Um, hi, girls,"

Wait a cotton picking second! How in the name of pantyhose do they know where I live??

I said, "How come you know where I live?"

They went redder (if that is possible) and said, "We, err, sort of kind of, you know, like followed you home…the once,"

Oh superb! I have two pint-sized stalkers.

3 minutes later

I cannot get the Titches to leave me alone. They keep hopping after me like two little fleas asking me what my favourite band is and what animal I like best. Then, when I tell them they go 'Ooooh, that's my fave too!" and "Snap!!"

At least they are not asking me to autograph their maths books again.

4 minutes later

I think they have a crush on me.

Which is understandable, seeing as I am a biscuit.

2 minutes later

But it still won't do; them having a crush on me. They are practically half my age. It is not right.

I am just going to have to say, "Look Girls, I'm flattered that you fancy me and all but I'm like, 4 years older than you. I don't date midgets. It'll be cradle snatching and that, my friends, is frowned on in modern day society," but before I could say it they leapt up (because of height difference) and gave me a kiss on the cheek, thrust a heart shaped box of chocolates (!) at me and ran off. Whilst shouting 'We love you Dave!!"

Good Grief.

3 minutes later

They love me do they? Oh dear. This is not good.

I have a menagerie of dwarf-like admirers. Without the bushy beards. Or mining-fetish.

1 minute later

I also have a heart shaped box of chocolates.

2 minutes later

Yum, yum.

5 minutes later

Dec and Rollo were waiting for me on top of the bus shelter and tried to rugby tackle me whilst leaping off the roof. But my athletic responses are not one to be questioned and I dodged them and they fell face first into the concrete path. Like pancake-chummies.

Oh, how I laughed.

3 minutes later

Rollo said, when he'd un-pancaked himself, "Why have you got a heart shaped box of chocolates?"

Dec said, "Did you buy them for yourself because that is sad, maaan,"

The Cheek!

I said, "No, I didn't actually. I was given them, believe it or not,"

Rollo and Dec started nudging each other and said, "Ooooh, who by then?"

I said, "I will give you a clue; they are ginger, about three inches tall and simply terrifying,"

Dec said, "Ah, the Titches. Are they still following you?"

I nodded soulfully and scoffed another chockie (soulfully scoffed it, that is)

Rollo said, "Aaaaw, they love you! You are the light of their girlhood, the song in their hearts, the flames of their loi-"

I said, "Rollo, please shut up. I am practically old enough to be their granddad,"

Dec said, all wide-eyed, "Are you? You don't look grey and wrinkly to me,"

This is the sort of lunacy which I have to put up with.

Rollo said, "Don't be dense, Dec; he means that they are two young for him. He is just trying to make light of a dismal situation. Just be glad he hasn't said 'pants' yet, because that is getting old,"

Is it? It still makes me laugh.

I said, "Wrong, Rollo. The word 'pants' is one that never loses its hilariousity,"

Rollo said, "Hilariousity?"

PANTS.

5 minutes later

We walking down the street and Rollo suddenly shouted, 'Yoink!!' and stole my chocolates off me and ran off. OY!!

And then he came back and said, "Dave! You Pig! How in name of arse did you manage to scoff the whole box in a matter of minutes??"

I said, "Correction, Rollo. I did not scoff the whole box, only the chocolate. I don't like the taste of card,"

Rollo gave me a stroppy look for a bit and then said, "Ah, well. Better you ate them than me; the Titches have probably spiked them with luuurve potion,"

What?!

2 minutes later

I sincerely hope they haven't.

1 minute later

I do feel rather sick now. I hope it is just one of those watsits. Paranoia-things,

Or the fact that I just scoffed two dozen chocolates on the trot.

School

Going in was the usual vengeance of the Merry Men and Disciples. Nip was brushing up on his boy-loathing skills. I bet he was never a boy himself once. I think he just came into being in a test tube. In a mad scientists lab. A mad scientist with a huge forehead.

He said as we walked through the gates of hell, "David, do you call those trainers school uniform?"

Oh No! Not this rigmarole again!

I said, "Yes I do, actually,"

He said, "Take a bad conduct mark for cheek," Damn. I was doing rather well as well, reprimand-wise.

Then he said as we were walking off, "Where were you in detention?"

Oh crap. I said, "Uh, erm, well- I must dash I have an early morning clarinet lesson to dash to,"

And I ran off. I must say Nip looked rather shocked.

2 minutes later

I think I know why he looked so shocked. It was because a) There aren't any early morning clarinet lessons and b) Even if there is, why would I be there?

Still, it's the thought that counts.

1 minute later

Tom was busy showing Ed his newest addition to his worm farm (Walter the Wormy) so he ignorez-voused me, Dec and Rollo. Typico, we are less important than his slimy chums. He had enough friendly-luuurve for me to remind me that I am going around his to meet Jaden, and she's arriving at five and then carried on poking his wormies.

Rollo said to me, "So, have you started up the Red Herring business or are you too Christian to do it?"

I said that I'd phoned Gee and told her that I 'luuurve' another.

Then Dec said, "This Jaden is American isn't she? I thought you said foreigners were irritating because you couldn't understand them,"

I said, "Yes, I know I said that, but I was talking more about a certain Italian Homosexualist and the fact he talks utter gibberish. Anyway, the Hamburger-a-go-go-nese are just our cousins over the seas. They speak Billy Shakespearean so it's not like I will need a translator at my beck and call,"

Rollo said, "Actually, that's where you are wrong. They don't talk English; they talk American-English,"

Dec nodded wisely (freaky bananas), "Yes, for example they don't say 'bin' they say 'trash can'. So instead of being binned, you'll be trash-canned,"

Oh. That reminds me. I still haven't binned Phil the Nerd for his insult vis-à-vis Jack the Biscuit. It must be done. I barked so now I must bite.

Rollo said, "So you'll have to teach her ye olde English customs,"

I said, "Oo-er,"

Rollo said, "I didn't mean like that!!"

5 minutes later

We are geniuses in trousers. To celebrate our allegiance with Merrie England we are pretending to be Posh English Ladeeez. We are walking on our tip toes like we are wearing high heels and have tied our blazers around our waists like apron-watsits. And we've got our stranglers- I mean ties- and put them on like chiffo-watsit scarves and keep flicking them. And we walk around with our hands flipped over in that camp way beloved to Homosexualists, flicky flick flicking our scarves saying, "Truly Spiffing, Ol' Chap" and "Shall we, darling?" in posh accents.

Hilarious.

3 minutes later

Rollo has suggested wisely that we put our pencil cases down our tops to look like nunga nungas. It was a flash of the watsit, but it was only like one big shelf, as I am not sad enough to have two separate pencil cases; one for pens and one for pencils.

We were admiring our chests and Rollo said, "I bet that is a dream come true for you, Dave,"

I said, "Are you suggesting that I am a Transexualist in training, Rollo?"

Rollo said, "Yes,"

I was about to attack him with my single nunga when Dec said, "Brrrr, it's a bit nip noodles isn't it?"

He had shoved a couple of pencils down his top.

Oh how we laughed.

Edward and Tom say we are being immature. But I think they are just jealous of our creative flair.

3 minutes later

We walked past a load of first formers who were sumo wrestling each other.

I said, "Kids today! Common Rag-a-Muffins, aren't they dears?"

And we put our noses in the air, stuck out our chests and flipped our ties and trotted off.

The First formers just stared at us. I like to think they respect us as examples of older students. That is what I like to think.

Assembly

We have carried on our Posh Lady act into assembly (although we took out the nungas, as none of us want detention) Every time Tuck says something we shout, "Ooooh, Jolly Good, Jolly Good," and "Tally Ho!!" It was excellent until Nip frog marched us out of assembly.

He was ranting at us for the usual WUBBISH; i.e. distrusting assembly and we will be hung, etc.

So I said, curtsying, "Terribly Sorry, ol' chap, truly dreadful, are we not?"

I think he was going to leave it there and let us off, but Dec chipped in, "I know I am a respectable lady and all, but do you fancy a quickie round the back, ol' chap?"

Me and Rollo just managed to stop ourselves laughing. We had to put a mental gag on ourselves and had to stand still like deaf soldiers.

Nip said, "I am not accepting this type of attitude,"

So Dec said, flicking his tie, "Sir, I am only offering once, I do have my dignity,"

The mental gag fell off and me and Rollo collapsed into hysterics. We had to hold onto each other's shoulders to stay upright

I really, really question Dec's mentality.

2 minutes later

No I don't. Because I know he is clinically insane already. And that is a fact.

1 minute later

Joy Unbounded!! Dec has got detention for hitting on a teacher and he will be doing it (oo-er) in his lunch hour with me! Brilliant!!

5 minutes later

Tom isn't too impressed with us though. He says it is stupid. Although he is the one who named his worms Walter, William, Wilfred, Webster and Wallace the Wormies.

1 minute later

Oh I mustn't forget Wilma the Wormette.

30 seconds later

Please don't ask why I have memorised all his worms' names.

German

I am sat next to his Respectable Ladeeeness, Dec, in German. I think he is enjoying this lady-business a tad too much. He is painting his nails with a pink highlighter. I think he has the touch of the transexualist about him.

I asked him that. I said, "Declanna? Are you thinking about having the Sex Op in later life?"

Dec said, "Oh of course, Davabella, cupcake! If I got pregnant like this, think where the darling child would have to make its exit!"

Huh?

1 minute later

Oh my God. He can't mean…

2 minutes later

Erlack! Erlack! He is sooo disgusting. And now I've got the mega cringe.

5 minutes later

I think he has missed the very important point of life that clearly states guys do not get pregnant. I think he genuinely believes he will one day give birth.

To a flower, probably.

6 minutes later

He is now doing his eyelids in blue highlighter. He is bonkers.

1 minute later

I have done my eye lids in neon green. We keep going up to the front to have our work done for us by Herr Winkel (honestly, that is he name, I am not kidding, I am being deadly serious). As we are waiting we just hang over his shoulder, flicky flick flicking our ties and batting our high lighted eyelids. The class can't look at us. They are pretending to be very interested in German Verbs. But I can see them all snorting like laughing loons. Which they are.

2 minutes later

It's incredibly hard to keep a straight face. The trauma I put myself under for comedy value.

Break

I got Phil the Nerd at break and we binned him in the bins outside the kitchens. They are the best for a thorough binning. Full of mouldy vegetables and stuff.

Me and Rollo grabbed his arms and Dec and Ed grabbed his legs while Tom prepared the bin and we dumped him in. His dorky mates were laughing their socks off. I think we went too far though because he soon became just two hands and two feet waving out the bin.

Ah well. Accidents happen.

2 minutes later

Serves him right for blaspheming in the name of Jack the Biscuit.

1 minute later

If I have enough time, I will start a cult based around Jack the Biscuit. And you are only allowed to become a member if you are indeed a biscuit-type person.

2 minutes later

But then I'll be the only member and that could get rather dull.

Geoggers

Sitting next to Ed. I should technically sit next to his Unholy Nerdiosity according to the form of torture the sadists call a Seating Plan but he is still stuck in the bin. Hahaha.

2 minutes later

But anyway, my nub was that Ed has moved next to me. So I can while away the dull hour much more amusingly.

I haven't laughed in Geoggers since…since we popped the inflatable globe with a pin.

Maths

Phil the Nerd rolled in covered in vegetable peel and stuff. He looked like a tramp. Who slept in skips. I started thinking it was a bit meanio of us to do that but then I remembered how he'd insulted me with his claims to be Jack the Biscuit.

As he walked in he was making 'I'm going to get you' signs at me. Is he going to hit me with his calculator? Oh I am sooo scared. (For the information of the vair dim, I was being sarcastic).

1 minute later

Mr. Edwin told him to go home and wash. We were all sniggering like loons.

Until he threatened us with more Pytha-watsit and we shut up.

2 minutes later

It bam-boozles me on how these old math-type nerds figure these things out. Do they sit at home thinking 'Today I'm going to think about the sides of a triangle. And not only a triangle, but a right angled triangle! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! How exciting! I can hardly contain myself! I may get out pop corn! TRIANGULAR POP CORN!! And I can measure all the angles!! It is sooo thrilling!'

I don't think they have what is commonly known as: A Life.

Lunchtime detention

Yes! Yes! And three times yes! Or should I say Ja! Ja! Und dreimal Ja! The Overlord in Lederhosen is on detention duty! This shall be larks akimbo!

I said to Dec as we were waiting outside as he 'prepared' (checked the Silent Alert button was working), "Oh, ja, we have Herr Winkel twice in one day!"

Herr Winkel looked at us like he was thinking, "Oh, nein! I have those two twice in one day!"

Still, you can't please everyone.

2 minutes later

Declan suggested we bring back the Posh-Ladeeez stuff since we have sort of forgotten it since German. We did not have to do much; only shove the pencil cases back up our tops since we were still covered in high lighter (I really, really hope it comes off).

10 minutes later

Me and Dec have to do lines. Mine are 'I will not deface the property of a guest speaker with obscenities'. Dec's are 'I will not make stupid japes (!)'. It isn't really fair, as mine are longer than his. But that is how selfish life can be.

Anyway, we are still in our Ladeeez gear and we have figured out this routine. We write a line then flick our ties in unison; write a line then batter our eye lids and then write a line and cough in a ladeee like manner. It is hilarious as we are the other sides of the room. Herr Winkel can't figure out how we are doing everything in synch. I think he thinks we have the Mystic Megs about us.

In the end he got so freaked he left the room. I said, "Ach, Ich danke zat Herr Winkel vanted a Tinkle!!"

Dec saluted me.

Lunch-Hall

I'm free!! Me and Dec did comical slow-motion running down the corridor until Scotty the Botty-Licker and he team of snobs started threatening us with bad conduct marks. I would duff them up but they are prefects and it is death sentence to touch them. Typico.

3 minutes later

Tom, Ed and Rollo were lurking in the usual hideout behind the science block. I don't blame them for not playing football. It gets too violent this time of year, with all the first formers that are not used to the famous proverb; 'the Biggeth thou are, the moreth space-us you needeth, so getteth your midgetus botty-usses off our playground-us,"

Tom said, "We have that new teacher next,"

Oh, excellent! The one from the Academy-of-Boy-Beating. I must get the bets placed on how long he is reckoned to last. Last time I made a fortune as a bookie.

Rollo said, "Dave, you are sporting a particularly evil look- what are you thinking?"

I said, "I think we should give him a welcome Foxwood-style,"

Dec said, "I am not making a banner; with all this tranny-stuff we've been doing, my creative drawers are empty,"

"Dec, you twit, why would I suggest making banners?" I said, "I meant in a more destructive way. But because he has tried so hard by going to extra school to learn how to be a sufficient boy-hater I think we should be a bit soft on him. So I suggest the Electric Pen,"

And we all nodded wisely until Rollo ruined it by saying "What in the name of arse is an electric pen?"

So I got it out (Oo-er!) and gave it to him and allowed him to electrocute himself out of my boundless niciosity.

1 minute later

Please don't tell me you don't know what an electric pen is. You do know, don't you?

You don't, do you? For the benefit of the vair, vair dim, it is a novelty pen but instead of the inky-writey-type bit popping out when you click the top it sends an electric shock-watsit into you. It is hilarious to give to someone when they say 'Have you got a pen?' and then they nearly poo themselves when they go to use it.

English

We snuck into the classroom a few minutes earlier than we should have to set up. It was Tom and his organisation-fetish again. We hid all the pens from the teacher's pen pot at the back and put the electric one in and then hurried out. I wonder how we are going to make him need to use the pen??

The plan must be fool-proof. First Impressions count. A LOT.

10 minutes later

The new teacher, Call-Me-Mr.H came bustling in. The whole class were doing demented-staring but he didn't cower in a corner, which I suppose the point goes to him there. But I can't wait for him to pick up the pen.

Oh the tension! The Tension!

30 minutes later

When is he going to pick up the pen? The Suspense is killing me. Come on! Hurry your pants!

5 minutes later

Decky, my dearest chummy came to the rescue. He went up to the front of the class to get his work marked. Pure Genius. I must buy him a Snicker Bar in thanks later.

Call-me-Mr.H was reaching over to the pen…go on…go on…and then ZAP!! Yessssss. He leapt about a mile!! And a half!

He said, "Whose is this?"

Of course the whole class pointed at me. Even the ones that weren't in on it. Typico.

I composed myself and got ready for the fireworks.

2 minutes later

Un-flipping-believable. I really did expect Call-Me-Mr.H to have a nervy B at the least. After all, I just basically tried to assassinate him; by the way teachers exaggerate things. But do you know what he said??

He said: "Hilarious!! Can I borrow the pen and put it in the staff room?"

I was just utterly gob smacked. That was not what was supposed to happen. He is supposed to go barmy and yell three acres down at me. He is not supposed to think it is funny. He is supposed to get mad. That was the whole point.

I said, in my most cocky, arrogant voice to try and rile him up with 'bad attitude issues' "No,"

He said, "Then I will just have to confiscate it then. I'll give it back next lesson. Genius, pure genius,"

And he sat at his desk with MY pen and kept clicking it and electrocuting himself. Me and the boys just looked at each other.

1 minute later

I am sure there are laws against stealing pupils' things.

"Thou shalt not stealeth thou pupils' stuffs or thou shalt be hung by ye olde pants until you have a severe-eth wedgie,"

5 minutes later

I threw a paper airplane at him when he was writing on the board. He admired the folds.

This is war.

Physics

At least I managed to take my mind off my New Worst Enemy by joining in with shouting rudey-dudey comments at Mrs. Lloyd, the only female teacher in a school of teenage boys. I think she had some terrible mishap with some chemicals in chemistry because her nungas are abnormally large. She is practically bent over double under their weight.

She only needs to say 'Gravitational Pull' and it sets us all off again.

Home time

Went into the piddly-diddly department to wash the high lighter off in the sink. Because there is no way on God's Green Earth would I risk seeing Georgia in drag queen slap. She might think there is something wrong with me.

1 minute later

IT WON'T COME OFF!!

2 minutes later

Hmp. I suppose that will have to do. You can't see it unless I close my eyes for ages. But why would I walk around with my eyes shut? I wouldn't.

Probably.

6 minutes later

Me, Dec and Rollo did the pencil case watsit again (in the name of PANTS, lest it be forgotten) and started talking in Posh English lingo again. When we saw the girls I shouted "Tally ho, gents!" but Declan and Rollo just ran off to snog the living daylights out their girlfriends. Along with Tom and Ed. Traitors.

I was left talking to Georgia (Yesss!) Although, I must say, as it happened I felt a bit awkward after everything I said on the phone last night. So to prevent the conversation from taking that angle I said, "I challenge you, Sex Kitty," and I nodded down to my Pencil Case Nunga. She nearly split her tights laughing. Fab.

2 minutes later

Kittykat seems happy enough to not talk about the phone conversation, which is good because I would have to draw a blankity-blank on what to say. Seeing as I have never met Jaden yet.

I told her about the bonking fiasco yesterday. I think she quite enjoyed my rendition of the events. She was laughing like a proverbial drain. I really do love making her laugh.

5 minutes later

Went off Tom's way. It was a shame because I didn't get to walk as much with Gee today and I barely see her anymore. But I suppose it was all for the best. It was hard to think about WUBBISH to keep the conversation going when I so badly wanted to blurt out the Red Herring Fandango. I think I am going mad with anticipation for when all this is over.

2 minutes later

Me and Georgia will be laughing about all this Red Herring stuff in years to come.

But that will be in quite a few years because Operation: Red Herring II must be kept strictly secret from the girly types. Minus Jas.

1 minute later

Jas is the only fly in the ointment; she's coming back to Tom's too. So I will be goose-gogging until Jaden arrives. Lovely.

Tom's House

Robbie was working in the veggie-shop under the House of Jennings when we got in. I chatted with him for a bit to save goose-gogging. I asked him how was Kiwi-a-go-go-land and I really wish I hadn't. He droned on about Geo-watsit energy and marsupials for the next billion years. And…err…I may have let Operation: Red Herring II slip.

3 minutes later

He didn't seem to think it was too wrong or anything. Especially after I said my inspiration was from Georgia.

That's quite ironic actually. When Georgia originally did it, a Jennings was the goal, Georgia was the user and I was the usee. And now Georgia is the goal, I am the user (if it must be put like that) and a Jennings is the usee. If you catch my drift.

Still, it's a bit strange that he is not making a fuss when I have just told him that I am going to use his cousin. Although she did say she would do it. So I am not in the wrong.

I will tell you what else is strange. He asked me if Georgia had said anything about him. Why? He is old news to her. And hopefully soon Masimo will be too.

5 minutes later

Tom's Mum came in whilst I was distracting Robbie from his customers and Tom was showing Jas a new apple species they have or something. Do they really have nothing better to do? Seemingly not. And that is the sadnosity of their lives – oh, shut up.

Anyway, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Ah yes. Tom's Mum said, "Jaden's flight was delayed. She's landing about six so she'll be back about…seven-ish?"

Oh, fab. Not. I'm going to have to goosegog for another three hours now…

Then she said to me, "Are you waiting for her?"

Oh PANTS! Does she know about the red herring situation-type fiasco? Why in the name of buggeration did Tom tell her? Doesn't he have the sense to lie?

I said, "Err, yes,"

Oh, here goes; 'What a horrible plan you've concocted up…Blablabla,' but she said, "Oh, that's alright. Would you like to stay for dinner?"

Dinner? What is that unfamiliar word?

½ hour later

Oh My God. They actually cook food in Tom's house!! And by that I mean proper food, not microwave watsits! Proper Food. And they have a table! Which they all sit around! Amazing!

I can't remember the last time someone cooked a proper meal in my house. Oh wait, I tell a lie. The last time someone cooked, Vati put his elbow on the hob (while it was on) without thinking which set his jumper on fire and he ended up in casualty. You would have thought he'd be quite distraught over burning his arm but he still managed to throw a frying pan at me because I couldn't stop laughing.

2 minutes later

I feel like Oliver Twist. I may have to leap up and start singing "Food, glorious food". You know, that naff song all the orphans sing at the beginning when they get served their gruel.

But this isn't gruel. It's PROPER food (There's Tom his obsession with things being PROPER).

The only fly in the ointment is that there are lots of vegetables. Literally a mountain.

Erlack a pongoes. I hate vegetables.

6.00pm

In Tom's Bedroom. Pretending to be very interested in looking out the window while he and Jas snog each other's faces off. It's disgusting. And I feel like a goosegog extraordinaire.

6.30pm

Still a goosegog.

6.45pm

Still a goosegog.

I may have to hit Jas and Tom with something soon. Or I will be forced to throw myself out of his bedroom window.

Still, Jaden's arriving in fifteen minutes (!)

6.50pm

Ten minutes.

6.55pm

5 minutes.

I really must stop counting the minutes down. I am not a Time Lord.

7.00pm

She hasn't shown. Hmmm, maybe she's late.

2 minutes later

I hate waiting.

6 minutes later

Tom and Jas broke away with the most disgusting squelching sound. They sounded like a couple of toilet plungers. Then Tom said, "Jaden should be here,"

I said, "Actually, she is here. You too badgers were too busy snogging to notice,"

Tom said, "I know she isn't here, Dave. Because I would know if she was,"

I was about to ask him what he meant but Jas suddenly said, "Ooooh, Hunky (!) Have you got a new worm for your Wormery?!" and they started looking in his Worm Torture Centre. Tom was saying 'Oh, yes, there's Walter- oh wait, is that Wilfred? Oh, that's Wilma,"

It is so sad.

1 minute later

No wonder they nearly broke up last month. Although I am forbidden from mentioning that.

3 minutes later

Tom said, "Did you bring the list?"

"What list?"

"You know, with the stalking movements and stuff,"

Oh, the PROPER listy. Do I look like the sort of person who would carry it around with me? "No,"

"That's ok," said Jas, "Me and Hunky made copies,"

I take it back about the worms. This is sadder.

7.30pm

I was busy goosegogging when I heard the door bell ring and I heard Tom's Mutti loon to it. How coolio is that? Very Cool. Door Bell Service!! Brillopads!

Oh bugger. I am starting to talk like one of the Titches. God, save me!

Still, how ace! Parents who can actually be bothered to get up and answer a door! I am always the one who answers the doors at ours. Because no one else can be bothered.

Then again, I wouldn't want my Elderly Loons answering the door to any of my chummies.

Then there was this huge shout of "HOWDY, Y'ALL!!"

Giant Bloomers in Heaven!!

And there was a bit of talking downstairs like "How was your journey? No turbulence? Blablabla," and then we heard her charge up the stairs and the door next to us burst open.

"ROBBIE!!"

"Jaden!" he sounded scared.

"You alrighty?"

"Yes, Jaden and I-"

"Awesome!" and she crashed out and our door flung open.

"TOM! HONEY!!" and gave him a huge hug. She was quite a delicate looking person and he is quite well built but she still managed to lift him off his feet. The Hamburger-a-gogo nese seem very friendly indeedy. How Terrifying!

And then she let him go and then saw me. Uh-Oh.

"Dave, isn't it?"

I said, "Yes, that's me-" and she grabbed me into a neck breaking hug (!). Blimey.

She said, still glomped onto me, "Alrighty?"

I said, the best I could while she was squeezing the air out of me, "Yes, um, I'm alrighty...are you high on sugar?"

She said, "Why honey, that's a mighty cute accent, you've got there,"

Pardon?

I have an accent??

And then Jas was subjected to the strangle hug she rushed off to terrorise someone else.

Tom said, "That's Jaden,"

I just looked at him.

1 minute later

Could he possibly have chosen someone a little less criminally insane for me?

2 minutes later

And with a little less luggage? We were made to help her get her bags out the 'trunk' of the 'cab'.

I am sure my arms have stretched from the weight.

3 minutes later

Jaden came bursting back into Tom's room, nearly knocking Jas out with the door and flung herself into sitting next to us.

She said, "So, y'all, lets get down to business, what's all this red fish thingy about, huh? Who's this Georgia? Are gonna make her jealous? Am I going to pretend to get off you? Will we be kissing, Mr. Cute Accent?"

I just gave her my 'you really scare me' look.

She obviously realised that because she said, "Aaw, don't look so spooked. I am just mega wired on aeroplane cawfee; I'll cool down in a minute,"

Blimey. Someone fetch the tranquilizers. As quick as you like.

5 minutes later

We went for a wander around the streets. I think the fresh air calmed her down a bit because she started talking like a normal human being. Almost.

I told her about Operation: Red Herring II. I thought Tom and Jas would be waving their PROPER listy in her face but they walked ahead arm in arm, abandoning me to handle the Queen of Madnosity by myself. So, who needs them?

She said she thought the idea was 'neat' and she doesn't seem to care one bit that I will be using her to get another girl. Which surprised me because it is a mean idea and I certainly minded when it was done across me. But then again, we must remember, she is not exactly normal. In fact, she is edging on certifiably insane.

But she is actually quite nice to talk to. Despite the fact that she originally scared the pants off me, we are getting along quite coolio. She is remarkably over friendly, worse than Rachel, and that is saying something. I wonder if all the Hamburger-a-gogo-nese types are like that? But it's nice, although a bit terrifying. Although I don't understand a word she is saying. It is almost like she speaks a foreign language. Oh, wait. She does. Cor, international conversations are vair tuckering on the brain box.

2 minutes later

Tom and Jas buggered off somewhere. To snog probably.

And then Jaden said, "So, Jock, Emo, Dork or Prep?"

I said, "Excuse me?"

She said, "Ah, non-conformist then,"

What is she on about? I said, "Erm, what are you on about?"

She said, "Which are you?"

I said, "I'm none of those. I'm Jack the Biscuit,"

She just looked at me and then she said, "Ah, I get it, I think; Biscuit is British for cookie isn't it? So in American you'll be Jack the Cookie,"

Jack the Cookie?? No. That does not work. At all.

Then she said, "Why are you Jack the Coo- I mean, Biscuit when your name isn't Jack? Is it some Englishy thing to change your name?"

I said, "Nah, it's my thing. Just like pants. Or panties as you hamburger-a-gogo nese call them,"

She said, "Pants?"

I said, "Yes, as in 'the hills are alive with the sound of PANTS,"

She gave me a 'You're Barmy' Look. Which I think is a bit hypocritical.

1 minute later

She said, "Tell me about this Georgia,"

Huh? She actually wants me to talk about Georgia? I am not used to being ask that. Most people tell me to shut up about her.

I told her though. Even the stuff with her originally using me as a Red Herring and also the Italian Homosexualist. And the fact she practically has her own language with her 'vair' and 'osities' and even our accidental snogs. But vaguely though, detail-free of course. When I finished she said, "She sounds real nice. And she's mighty lucky that you like her," I didn't say anything. What do you say to that? I don't know, and that is why I didn't say anything. But luckily I didn't have to because she carried on, "I hope all this Red Fish business works for you; I just love a happy ending,"

So do I, Jaden, so do I.

Then she said, grinning "Especially for someone with such a cute accent as yours,"

Oh God, don't start that again!

Home

What does Jaden mean I have an accent? I wasn't aware of that. I thought I sounded like everyone else. I feel vair paranoid and self conscious about speaking now.

3 minutes later

I am talking out loud to myself to figure out if I have an accent. It's really weird listening to your own voice properly.

1 minute later

I think I sound like everyone else around here. I would carry on but Mutti and Vati are giving me weird looks. I tried to whisper to my self so they couldn't hear, but they just looked at me like I was mentally deranged parsnip.

5 minutes later

I have gone upstairs to listen to my voice in peace.

2 minutes later

I am pretty sure I haven't got anything wrong with the way I talk. That is when Vati burst into my room and said, "Dave? Have you...um, are you..."

I said, "Am I Mad? Probably,"

He just looked at me then said, "Have you taken something?"

Unbelievable!!

8 minutes later

I still don't know whether I have an accent. I do not know why it is bugging me so much, but it is.

Phoned Rollo.

"Yello?"

I said, "Rollo, do I have an accent?"

He said, "You mean when you were being a tranny? To be honest mate, your posh accent is crap,"

I said, "No. I mean normally do I have a weird accent?"

Rollo said, "Say 'accent', again,"

Why? But I said, "Accent,"

Rollo said, "No, because people who have accents sound funny when they say 'accent' and you sound normal,"

What is he on about?

Then he said, "Why are you so bothered?"

I said, "According to Jaden I have a cute accent,"

Rollo said in what he imagined was a wise, knowing way, "Ohhhhhh,"

I said, "What?"

He said, laughing, "You Spoon! Didn't you know that American Girls luuurve British Accents? You probably sound dead sexy to her,"

I said, "Oh, cool,"

And I hung up.

2 minutes later

Just I was leaving the phone it rang AGAIN. I answered.

I said, "Bonsoir, it is he, the Sex Bomb,"

"Dave, can you not say that, that is disturbing,"

It was my 'dearest' sister Jodie.

I said, "Do you want me to pass you onto Mum?"

Jodie said, "Wait, don't you want to know how I am?"

I said, "Not particularly, no,"

She said, "Oh, you are not very nice. But I am too happy to have a go at you. Guess what??"

"What?"

"No, Guess,"

I said, "You are moving to Australia so I don't need to see you again,"

But to my amazement she said, "How did you know?"

"What?"

"I got a six month job placement in Sydney!"

"Really?" Blimey O'Reily, as Georgia would say; I must have the Mystic Meg about me, "Crikey,"

She said, "Isn't it amazing?? I've always wanted to go to Australia!"

I said, "Promise me one thing,"

She said, "Safe flight?"

"Non," said I, "Get bitten by a deadly poisonous spider while you are over there,"

She had a nervy B at me, "You are so HORRIBLE. And irritating,"

I said, "Well, you see, that is the duty of the youngest sibling. To irritate the others,"

She said, "I don't know why I bother to talk to you, get mum for me,"

I gave the phone to mum. As I was going up the stairs I could hear her saying, "Yes, yes. I know. I have to put up with his wise cracks all the time. It does my head in,"

Lovely talk, isn't it?

10.20pm

I can't believe Georgia rates me as a nine!!

2 minutes later

Hmp. I wonder why I am not a ten?

Soooo, what do you think of Jaden? Having never been to America myself (Although that's changing next year, yessss) I don't really know much about what people are like so I modeled Jaden on how Gee portrays the Hamburger-a-go-go-nese in 'Then he ate my boy entrancers', although because Jaden's a main character I made her a bit over the top to get a firmer character, lol. Oh yes, any wordies she uses I get off chick flicks and websites etc because I only know the basic ones like 'trash' and 'side walk' and that sort of thing. :)

Ps. Winkel IS actually a proper German surname. I do love the Germans. They are fab in the comedy section. X.