Comrade Skywalker: Episode I: The Private Property Menace

by An Aroused Koala

Karl Marx's birthday is May 5th. Star Wars day is May 4th. Coincidence? I think not. This is the story of Anakin Skywalker - the legendary Comrade destined to seize the means of production and bring equality to the galaxy - as he discovers his Communist calling. (Please read this in the same voice as the Clone Wars opening narration)

11. The REVOLUTION begins!

Chapter 11 - The REVOLUTION begins!

I turned on Sebulba first, striking him down with my hammer and sickle blade as he was attempting to remove Nute Gunray's trousers. He let out a bourgeois scream of pain as his body was cleaved in two, no doubt lamenting the fact that his private property would soon be seized. Nute Gunray looked at me in terror, then fled, abandoning Sebulba in order to save his own skin and assure the continued safety of his immense personal wealth.

Obi Wan and Quinlan Vos rushed to my side, and together we cut a bloody socialist path through the greedy, oppressive crowd, staining the ground a glorious red, the same colour as my communist flag as we LIBERATED THE FUCKING PEOPLE.

"There is Jabba!" Obi Wan cried progressively. "After him, we must kill him."

"No!" I seized his arm, spinning him around and looking deep into his eyes, "We can't. My daughter is destined to kill him in episode six."

Obi Wan seemed to understand. "Then we must gather the liberated slaves and organise an ARMY OF THE FUCKING PEOPLE!"

"Yes!" I cried in the voice of the revolution. "But we must also free the Tusken Raiders, because they are being racially oppressed by the XENOPHOBIC BOURGEOIS FUCKS that we have just defeated."

"Anakin, Obi Wan listen," said Quinlan Vos, looking a lot like Friedrich Engels. "You should go and spread the revolution to the monarchist Naboo, whilst I stay here and establish THE ARMY OF THE FUCKING PEOPLE."

"Good idea," agreed my Comrade and I. I was secretly happy to be able to spend time alone with Obi Wan whilst spreading the revolution. He was my dearest Comrade, I felt my Communist heart light up (not literally) due to his very presence by my side.

I said goodbye to my mum. "I'm so proud of you Anakin," she said. "You have brought hope to those who have none."

"Yeah whatever," I replied in the VOICE OF THE REVOLUTION. I turned to Obi Wan, "Are you ready to go to Naboo?"

"Yes," Obi Wan smiled, "And I was right about one thing, the negotiations were short."

I took his hand and together we turned and walked out of Mos Espa's shill arena, to find a ship to take us - and the revolution - to Naboo.