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Love in the Time of Cholera
Seattle, Washington. 1967
"So she's back." The redhead said quietly as she watched Madison and Arizona play on the swings in the park. My little girl's smile was so big and constant that Addison could tell that her face would hurt later and those cute dimples were on display, even more than Arizona's.
I see mother and daughter and a faint smile appears on my lips. "Well, she says she wants to be in Maddie's life, so I guess she's here to stay." I can feel Addie's eyes on me, but I don't make eye contact.
"So she loses her wife and her another child and then decides to look for you and Maddie? Callie sorry, but that's just ... wrong in many ways." Addison said with some anger in her tone.
I know she cares about me and Maddie, but this is not necessary. "The truth is that I don't care, Addison." I say as I cross my right leg over the left and settle in the uncomfortable park bench. "She is entitled to her daughter and if she wants to be part of her life, I won't get in the middle of it."
"I thought you said she didn't deserve anything."
"I said that when I was angry." I simply reply.
"And you're not anymore?" She turns her whole body towards me. "You want her back, don't you?"
"Life is too short to be angry all the time, Addie." I say condescendingly. "And I've already said that I don't know what I want in terms of her."
"She will hurt you again, that's what will happen if you let her back into your life." She cuts me off.
"I say again, I don't know what I want." I looked at her a little annoy this time. "What's the matter with you? Why are you so angry at her? She hasn't done anything to you." I ask, this time my eyes are connected to green-hazel.
"Have you forgotten all that has happened in the last four years?" She asks me instead.
"Believe me I am quite aware of the past four years, Addie."
"Then why is it so hard for you to make a decision and kick the blonde ass? She doesn't deserve you ..."
"Have I ever mentioned that she has hinted that she wants me back?" This conversation is getting out of proportion. "She is here for Maddie, not me."
"Oh please, Callie. Playing dumb doesn't fit you." She snorts. "Of course she wants you back, you were her first. People always returns to her first."
"Are you jealous?" I ask factly. "Because I was your first too-"
"I do not!"
"Then what the hell is it? Because I thought things were clear between us, Addie." I keep going with my rant. "You're the one who said you wanted only a friendship with me, you were the one who left the house and started to have casual encounters with other people, not me."
She lowers her head in shame and start playing with her perfect manicure. "I just want the best for you and Maddie. You're still my best friend, Callie." She says without even look at me.
"I have a daughter, Addison. I am responsible for the life of a tiny human being, which means I do not have time for games and failed relationships." I say and then she looks me straight in the eye. "When I left Elizabeth, my main goal was to give the best quality of life to my child and to provide a safe home environment. I want the best for my child. I want her to have what I never had and that means having a home."
"She has one, Callie. She is happy."
"I know she is happy and I know that even if her home is not the same as other children in the neighborhood, she loves having it." I look at my baby who is now in Arizona's arms pretending to be a plane. "I'm not going to jeopardize what it has cost me so much to get, just because you can't bear to be close to Arizona."
"That's not-"
"That's exactly what happens here." I cut her off in a hurry. "I love you, Addie and I want you to be happy, that's why I understood when you said that things weren't working for you. I had no problem with that, because we both agreed that when one of us wanted to get out of what we had, we could do so."
"What if I was wrong?" She tells me shyly and I can see the fear in her eyes.
"I don't think that's what you feel, Addie." She is about to refute but I continued. "You're afraid of losing me." I assure. "You think that if Arizona walks back to my life I'll forget about you and will slowly walk away from you and perhaps take you away of Madison's life too, am I close?"
"Well that was what you did when you started having this secret relationship with her back to Elizabeth, so why not do it again?" She returns to her defensive posture. I knew it.
"Nobody is going to walk away from anyone, Addison." I assure her. This has always been her biggest fear. I guess those are the consequences of being abandoned by your parents when you're just a baby. She is afraid to be left behind. "You're Maddie's Aunt, she has your name… sort of…" We share a smirk. "No one will take that away and I'm your friend, even though we have our history. Actually I always saw you as a friend with privileges." We both laughed at my words.
"Geez! Thank you." She taps me on the arm making me laugh.
"You mean you saw me as something else?" I raise my eyebrow in question, but she just shakes her head no and looks at me sheepishly. "See? That's fine. We have each other forever, that's what matters." I reassured her. "I also know how much you like to manipulate a man."
She bursts into an infectious laugh and I can't help but fall in laughter with her. "God, that's so true! I can't use my super powers with you, you know me too well." We laughed loudly, so much that my stomach hurts.
"What's so funny?" We both looked at the two blondes looking back to us.
"Aunt Addie is always funny, mommy." Madison said as climbed in her aunt's lap. Her smile never fades these days.
"That means that I'm not funny?" I ask my daughter doing a little pout.
"You are, too, Mommy." She says. "But Aunt Addie is the most." She laughs at her own words and Addison take her head back into a loudly laugh.
"That's my girl!" They Hi five before hugging each other.
I laugh with them and I risk a glance at an incredibly quiet Arizona stands steps from where I sit. She is staring at Addison and all interaction with Madison. And then I can see it. It's the least flicker of parental jealousy in her cerulean eyes.
I shake my head and stood up. "She's just her aunt. You're her mother and she already loves you very much." I whisper in her ear. She looks at me and tries to pretend not to know what I mean, but after a strong look she has no choice but to nod and force a smile.
She has become good at it. Faking her smiles.
She used to smile genuinely.
That's the thing now. She used to.
I go out of my reverie by her words. "Why don't I prepare a special dinner tonight?" She proposes.
"You cook?" The look she gives me is scary. I raised my hands in surrender. Maddie just laughs.
"Yes, Calliope, I know how to cook." She said firmly. "And I want to cook for you, but it has to be in your kitchen. I have just a bed where I live." She looks at me for confirmation.
"Sounds good to me."
"Okay, let's go then." She takes Maddie from Addison's arms before adding more. "You're also invited, Addison." She mumbles.
God, when is this going to end?
"No thanks. I have plans." Addison reply through clenched teeth too.
"You do?" Maddie and I say at the same time.
"Yes, I do." Addie looks at me sternly.
"Okay then, good night, Addison." Arizona says as she begins to walk with Madison resting on her hip.
I have no choice but to follow her. "See you later, Addie." I give her a kiss on the cheek.
"Yeah, I'll see you later."
And after that we go different ways.
I knew it would be a little difficult for these women to get along well for Maddie's sake or at least try, but God, the tension between the two of them is like a naval war.
Arizona as promised prepared Lasagna Bolognese for dinner for me and Madison and I must say the blonde has her talents. I had never eaten it before and I was liking the taste. Maddie repeated her plate and then wait for dessert. That girl seems to have a hole in her stomach, I think maybe in her head too. An endless hole that can never be filled.
It has become routine in recent weeks to Arizona to stay for dinner and then spend an hour or two playing with Maddie the pun. I still don't know where she's living, she just said that she lives near the house and therefore is no problem for her to be home early and leave later in the evening.
She and I talked about some stuff except the big elephant in the room, as if we were avoiding it and I almost feel grateful. I can't deal with 'us' now. On the contrary she spends some of her time telling stories about the women she lived with back in Detroit, but whenever I ask the two years before that, she just changes the subject with an elaborate excuse.
She's hiding something ... Not that I care ... at all ... but it's obvious that something in those two years makes her feel uncomfortable and she prefers to remain silent instead.
The other day I showed her the photo album I had secretly been updating of any mischief of my daughter, just in case she ever showed up at my door. And she did, so I showed her pictures and tears ran down her face, her smile still plastered on her lips.
I'm washing the dishes and organizing the kitchen when I heard her medium high heels hitting harmoniously with the wooden kitchen floor. My breath gets caught in my throat as I feel her body flush with my back and I'm about to say something but she spoke first.
"Maddie is already in bed, I guess her adventure in the park has left her knocked out." She said softly near my ear and her body is so close to mine that I can feel the lump in my butt ... God! I gulp audibly. "You okay?" She asks me how she moves away and recline her hip against the kitchen counter near me.
"Perfect." I mumbled and risked a look at her and see the smirk on. "You did that on purpose." I squint at her, but she just keeps smiling. "Don't do it again." I pointed a finger as if she were a child.
"Why not?" She crosses her arms, but her mischievous smile doesn't leave her damn red lipstick lips.
"Because it's inappropriate, that's why." I say casually.
"Who says that?"
"I say it." My face is completely neutral letting her know I'm serious, she throws up her hands in surrender and then back across them.
"When is Madison's birthday? I have to get a gift ready." She quickly changed the subject and I appreciate it. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to fall for her all over again.
"March 26th." I replied briefly. "You should think about Christmas, though. It's her favorite time of year." I add drying my hands and look back to her.
"Okay, good to know, thanks." She uncross her arms and by the look on her face I can tell she wants to tell me something. "What happened when you went out of Elizabeth?" I ask before she has a chance to say anything.
"I told you, Callie. I wandered around the country." She crosses her arms again, but this time is on defensive.
"Why are you mad?"
"Because we've already discussed about this!" She spits and I am surprised a bit or rather a lot because I physically step back a few steps. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scream." She must read well my face, because I can see the shame in her features.
"I just want to have a clear idea of what you've been through." I say softly after a long, uncomfortable pause.
"Why? It's just wasted time in bad places and bad decisions. Nothing important." She massaged her temples.
"But Detroit seems important to you." I pushed one inch.
"Of course it is, at that place I became what I am today, who I am now with you in this kitchen, who I am when I'm with Madison." She makes eye contact with me this time. "There's a before and after in my life, Callie and I don't really want to remember my before, maybe only my son. And you and Madison. That's the only good thing I have from my old life. He, you and Madison, but the rest ..." She sighs heavily. "It's just trash." She ends with a look of bitterness.
"Well, I think otherwise. I think that what you call trash is what teaches you to be who you are today. You learn from mistakes and failures, not for the achievements and successes." I say tersely.
"You're going to give one of your moral talks?" Arizona is on defensive pose. That is clear, by only to seeing her rigid posture and a scowl in her forehead, I can realize that the things that happened before Detroit are sensitive to her.
"I'm the least likely person to talk about moral, Arizona, remember which my job in Elizabeth was?" I let out a laugh without humor. "I just want you to know that you can talk to me about anything you want."
"Why?"
"I would love to be your friend-"
"I'll stop you right there, Callie. You and I could never be just friends." She interrupted me quickly.
"And why is that?" It's like talking in circles with this woman.
"There is too much sexual tension between us, that's why." Her smirk is back in her face.
Her words left me ... I don't know, floating? How can she say such things? "Well, that's ... that's just ... inappropriate."
"Since when have you become such a prudish? I thought that was my role." This time my eyes went wide open, so much that they could go out of their orbits.
"I think you should leave." I managed to say. Since when am I so prudish? Hmm maybe since I haven't had sex in a long time.
Jesus stop yourself!
She takes the hand to her chest and face wrinkle. "Uh right in the chest." She pretends physical pain before laughing with her own nonsense. "I'll go now." She comes up to me and put a delicate kiss on my cheek.
Well actually I'm the one who evade her kiss, because I'm sure that if my face had remained where it was, that kiss would have ended up in my mouth. "You smell so good." She says and walks away. "I always like your smell." She adds with a wink.
"What are you trying to do?" I ask without any pinch of interest or at least I try, but judging by the warmth I feel in my face, I can say that my body is not working with my purpose.
"Nothing, I'm just saying." She pretends innocence, her body still without leaving my personal space.
"I'm not falling into your game, Robbins." I try to keep my serious face, but seeing that damn sly look makes me miss a bit resolution. I bite my lip to keep myself from smiling.
"Who said I'm playing?" She finally turns away from me. "However, there is no way for you to win the game." She teases before leaving the house.
"If you say so, Robbins. If you say so."
"This is where you're staying?" I ask in dismay when I see the small room that smells musty and lighting sucks.
"Okay Miss Judging over there, this is the first thing I found when I came to Seattle and I stayed because it's cheap-"
"Yes, no doubt it is." I join in.
"Because!" She looks at me disapprovingly. "I didn't want to spend a lot of money after I found you and Maddie, I rather spend my money on my daughter than one expensive and nice room." She explains as she starts rummaging through her things.
The only reason I'm here is because I have to go to work and I asked Arizona to keep an eye on my - our - daughter who is now sleeping peacefully in the on body bed. Which is actually the only thing in this hovel.
It's early in the morning, Christmas is just around the corner and every year is a tradition from the supermarket to do a Super Early Wake Up every Friday every week until December 24th.
Arizona is looking for a thick blanket to put Maddie on, but something else caught my attention. In her travel bag stands something I haven't seen in years and I know that spot lighting is not the best, but I remember that thing quite clear.
"Hey! That's mine." I pointed to his bag and she looks confused at me until she notice the same thing.
"Well, now it's mine." She says quite naturally and adjusts a pillow next to Maddie little body.
"You gave it to me, you can't take it back." I reproach a little disappointed that she won't give it to me back.
"If you wanted it so much, you wouldn't left it behind." She quickly take the red scarf from her bag when she sees me approaching to taking it as well. "It's mine now." She repeated.
That scarf was a gift she gave me. One quite expensive. It's true, I left it behind when I left Elizabeth, but now see it in her hands just makes me want to have it back.
Why? I don't know. Maybe because it's a memory and the story behind it gave me a very ... nice and… horny ... memory.
I remember that night like the palm of my hand and every time I think about it, knock off a twinge of desire through my body.
Focus!
"Well, whatever. I have to go." I shake my head out of those dirty thoughts that just flashed before my eyes.
So what? I am a very sexual person, sue me!
"Go find me in the supermarket if you need anything." I say as I turn around and finally leave the smelly place.
I hate the smell of damp.
Well, that kind of damp. There are other kinds that are very good.
Stop it!
Anyways, work was rough, the only good thing about these special days purchases, is that my shift ends early, so I have the chance to go home and spend the rest of day with my beautiful and demanding daughter.
Arizona has decided to implement a new technique for Madison learn to write, because if it is true that she can put together words with different letters, she should also be able to write them in the right way and since Maddie is still little for her to start the pre-school, we're entrusting her to leverage her strong mind.
The same applies to her diction, she knows many things and knows how to communicate, but sometimes her words stir with her tongue and neither Arizona nor I are able to understand a word of what she says. But she is working on it and a bonus is that she learns really fast, so we've made great progress.
It's only been a few weeks since Arizona is in our lives, but I have to say that this co-parents thing it's getting very well.
When I walk in my humble little house, I notice something that was definitely not there when I left this morning.
"I could use a glass of wine, I'm so tired-" Addison hits my back when she obviously surprised that I stop abruptly at the doorway of the front door. "Hey, what's up?" She asks but then follow my eyes and realizes what has me so surprised.
"Give me the camera, but quietly, Addie." I can almost feel her rolling her eyes, but she does what I ask.
As silently as I can walk more inside my living room and a smile breaks my face when I walk around the couch and see Arizona lying on her back with arm dragged on the floor and her feet stick out of the uncomfortable couch, but what cause me most tenderness in seeing my three year old daughter lying face down on the blonde's chest both barefoot and Arizona's free arm strongly positioned around her as if protecting her.
I can also notice that the forest-green dress that I left my daughter dressed this morning is now tainted by what looks like mud and dirt, that doesn't bother me much now. But it will bother me later, so I hasten to better take this picture quickly.
Addison appears with the heavy instantly camera that we bought at auction a couple of years ago and once I click it, a few seconds after the picture comes through the slot, I shake my picture to read correctly and then look adoringly the next addition to the family photo album.
My heart is filled to the first picture of Arizona with our daughter.
"How did she get inside the house?" Addie took me out of my reverie.
"I ... I have no idea." I tell her, now wondering the same thing.
"Mrs. Bailey opened the door for me with her spare key." I turn to the raspy and thick voice behind us.
That voice nearly freezes my blood. It's like I was listening to a ghost.
Andrew Robbins's ghost.
That would be so weird.
"You're awake." I pointed out unnecessarily when I look at the blonde clearing the sleep from her lazy eyes and I can see my child moving too.
"Yeah, well, you two aren't silent around a house with hardwood floors and high heels." She says now her voice a little more normal.
"That would be my fault." Addie says innocently.
And she's right, the one who is always wearing heels all the time and Arizona sometime, but it's almost always just Addison. The woman has her style.
"Why my daughter looks like a beggar?" I ask the blonde with a hand on the hip.
"She does not!" Both Addie and Arizona reply at my accusation.
"I'm sure her beautiful and new - I might add - green dress didn't looked that this morning when I left her on your dirty little room." I refute with annoyance.
"You were in her room?"
"Back to the dirty little room."
Both women say the same time.
"You know what, never mind. Wake her up, give her a quick shower and make her presentable again, I'll prepare lunch. And you're staying for lunch too, Addison." I say with property and walk to the kitchen without looking at the two women in the room.
"Yes, ma'am." I hear the two say in unison.
I do not like the mess or dirt. I'm a very organized and tidy person, so I don't like to see my own daughter looking so dirty, like if she had a mother who didn't care for her.
I prepared lunch and we all sat at the small table of four that is in the kitchen, Madison explained that her mother and she were on a secret mission in the backyard and that's why her lovely dress got dirt, thereafter they ate candy and fell asleep on the couch as I found them.
I still don't like the idea of my daughter looking so sloppy.
After lunch and a couple of hours of productive game for Maddie, Addison left to her new apartment, where she lives with I'm sure is a guy, which she haven't talk about it with me yet, but I won't push her, she'll come around eventually.
The rest of the afternoon is just me and Arizona sat drinking coffee on the front porch bench as we see Madison play with Tuck, Mrs. Bailey's son and finally when night falls, I prepare dinner with a little help from the two blondes with me now.
Maddie has played so much throughout the day that she can barely keep her eyes open for a while longer. She endures for about fifteen minutes is the time that Arizona tells a story to go to bed. I gave her a goodnight kiss and then I stand in the doorway of my room and listen to Arizona's whispers to Madison.
When the little girl is asleep, Arizona leaves her room quietly and narrows the door before giving me a smile.
"That was fast." She said quietly.
"Well, she sure had a lot of fun today. She's just a baby, she's tired." I replied just as quiet as her.
"Sorry about the dress." She starts to say she walks the short distance to me. "I didn't think she get all that dirt on her, she was playing and I just leave her."
"I know it's a bit exaggerated, but I don't like her to get all the dirt on her or her clothes." I say looking at her deep blue eyes.
"You're absolutely right about that, but Callie, she's just a kid. She's going to get messy with anything she does, it's just what happens to their age." We share a short laugh.
"I really enjoyed spending the evening with you." She said getting closer to me.
"I also enjoyed having you around, it's good to have you around Maddie too." I say and for some reason I find my eyes on her today pink lips. I want to look away, but instead I look in her eyes and is even worse.
She walks her eyes all over my body and I swear to God I saw her eyes darken suddenly. She is closer to me. What's happening? When did we get to this position?
"Stop looking at me like that." My voice barely audible and now I can feel her breath on my lips and her nose touching mine.
"Like what?" She plays innocent and I can feel her hand stroking my clad hip. How did her hand got there, I don't even know.
"Like if you had seen me naked." My words are heard strangely known in my tongue.
"That's because I had."
And after that she kisses me, like really kissing me, she takes her hand up my back and push me hard against her. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I find myself returning the passionate kiss, I feel a tongue hit my lips and I welcome it quickly. My hands are on her neck bringing her closer to my mouth and her hands around my hips are approaching our bodies. My fingers on her neck feel her pulse and I find the need to put my lips there. I want to put my lips all over her, but then I feel her hands walk underneath my shirt and that brings me out the scorching kiss.
I put my hands on her shoulders and get her physically away from my body. She breathes heavily and her eyes sparkle with desire. I know she wants me, I could feel her urgency on that kiss, but I don't think it's a good idea.
"I think you should leave now." She looks at me disappointed, but doesn't say a word and just do what I say. She leaves.
Next thing I know is that I'm walking through an almost deserted but well lit street, I put my cold hands in the front pockets of my coat and hurried.
I cannot believe I'm doing this.
I should be in my bed, sleeping peacefully.
I shouldn't be walking down this street at this time of a frost night.
I shouldn't leave my daughter with Mrs. Bailey just to do this madness. It's crazy, right? I should be home sleeping.
Instead, I am facing a metal door, I open it and climb to the second floor and stand up before the old wooden door.
I take a deep breath, trying to convince me to go home and pretend that this hasn't happened, but instead...
"What the hell." I muttered to myself before inhale deeply and then knocking the door…
All mistakes are mine.