99 Red Balloons

There's a huge difference between marriage and love. There was a time when I believed marriage is a must. We all have the moment when we wake up from our lies and force ourselves to swallow our regrets and hide our tears. And once in your life you will meet someone who loves you in his own way and cherishes you like no one else if you are lucky enough. Don't hesitate to confess your love for him when you find that someone. For life is short and time is precious and miracles don't happen twice. And once you let go of him, you will hate yourself for the rest of your life.

I flip the buckwheat pancake in the pan like a pro and softly hum a song. Yes, of course I can cook. Cooking is easy and I'm not an imbecile. Nope, it has nothing to do with my "suddenly budding" feminine side. I just didn't have enough motive and the right motivation in the past. I guess I have to love someone deep enough to want to cook him a meal once in a while. And I still don't feel like walking down the same path as my mother. My future second husband and my future children won't be the center of my universe. I won't change who and what I am even if I have a beautiful ring on my ring finger. I'll remain myself even if I am 8 and a half months pregnant with two little boys. I will try my best to stay brave smart clever and independent. I will always be my own woman—

"That's the spirit, babe. By the way, I smell something burning."

I jump and squeak a little bit and quickly remove the slightly(yeah, lucky me) burned pancake from the pan. Geez. Did Ranger go to Iraq as an innocent young man and find a magical lamp one night in the desert and then wake up with ESP the very next morning? It seems that he next to always knows what's in my mind. It can be a little scary or even annoying at times. But sometime it comes in very, very handy...and he's really really good in shower...and in one certain big bad black SUV...

Anyways, we didn't talk about Joe Morelli(still on my blocked list), my mother(still not talking to me), his family(I have so many questions that I don't know where to start) or Rick Anderson. We sometimes sit on the couch and watch TV together in silence and it amazes me how much I have changed. I used to be frightened of the intensity of his being. I used to be afraid that I'd be sucked into his Force Field when we were alone, awake, but not having sex. I used to avoid deep thoughts and direct contact. I used to run away at the first sign of danger. I used to try my best to ignore the strange powerful longing in the bottom of my heart. I knew I always wanted him. I also knew I didn't know what to do with him. I was not afraid of being rejected. was scared of something much much more terrifying:

What if he actually wanted to start a relationship with me but things couldn't work out between us and it became too painful for me to remain friends?

I knew I couldn't just say: "Well, at least I tried", shrug it off and carry on. I knew I would have to kill myself if things worked between him and someone else. All those what ifs and should haves would haunt my days and nights and eventually drive me insane. I would lose the courage to survive. I would never be happy. I would never be able to love again. I would spend the rest of my miserable meaningless life hating myself for not being good enough and for losing the precious chance. I pour a generous amount of the yummy expensive organic maple syrup onto the pancakes on my plate and take a small cautious bite. I don't really know how it tastes like. My eyes and mind are fully concentrated on Ranger as he, too, takes a bite, chews, and then stops and frowns.

My eyes widen. My mouth drops open. My blood freezes. My heart runs away screaming. O.M.G. I have failed. I was pretty sure his pancakes weren't burned. I feel faint as the cold dark vision of the headlines of tomorrow's newspapers fly through my eyes:

Stephanie Plum: the woman who poisoned Batman.

Ranger resumes chewing, swallows, and looks me straight in the eyes. I am enchanted by the color of his mysterious, beautiful eyes. I never realize I am holding my breath. I blink slowly as the corner's of his eyes crinkle. The corners of his eyes always crinkle whenever he smiles his rare full-on smile, and I always want to trace my finger along the small lines around his eyes.

"Yum." Ranger says nonchalantly and starts laughing.

And I so want to to kiss him and smack him at the same time.

Author's Note: The Lunar New Year is coming this weekend. I'll be away from Feb 9th to 12th. Have fun. Stay safe.