-10-

How To Beautify An Un-Beautiful Working Environment

--

I don't know if you have ever been into Squad Eleven. If you have, then you will know that the description following does not do it justice. If not, then I will endeavour to explain it in the best way possible.

The place is, to put it frankly, a pig-sty. In fact, a pig is probably cleaner. The men are like a herd of escaped wildebeest, snorting and humping and glumping all over the place… to think someone as radiant as me has end up amongst them.

They don't know they're born.

Anyhow, I would like to tell a story about the time I mentioned the general pig-sty-iness to our captain (who, by the way, is rather like a ferocious old lion, if we are continuing with the 'African Safari' theme. And his vice captain is one of those annoying little monkeys that jabbers on and on and on and… anyway).

I, being the sensitive soul that I am, had grown rather tired of being forced to acclimatise to such vile working conditions.

'No creature as beautiful as myself should be forced to spend another day in such squalor!' I said.

'Eh?' was all the reply I got (not that I expected much better, mind you).

I am a diamond in the rough, I though to myself. A peacock in a chicken coop. A rose in a nettle patch.

I said that to him; 'I am a diamond in the rough!' I said.

'Huh?' was all I got.

Charming.

'Captain, I realise this is difficult to comprehend, but I have to do something about the conditions I am forced to work in. I can't stand it any longer. The men do not understand the term 'deodorant', Ikkaku hasn't showered in four days, and there's something living in the top drawer of your desk that I think has escaped from the experimental department in Squad Twelve.'

At this point he gingerly opened his desk, peered inside and promptly slammed it shut again.

'The hell is that?' he grunted in alarm.

'I don't know, but I suggest we keep the drawer shut and wait for it to die,' I replied primly, 'I call him Pierre.'

He mouthed the word 'Pierre' with a confused look.

'Anyway, taichou, please do not try to change the subject. This division looks like the third circle of Hell. I'm thinking of complaining to my union rep.'

'I didn't know we had a union.'

'We don't,' I admitted 'but if starting one will get this place cleaned up then by God I will do it!'

He scratched his head, causing the bells in his hair to chime. Clearly he was blown away by my devastating threat.

'Whadya mean 'the third circle of Hell? What's that?'

I rolled my eyes (attractively, of course).

'Where the gluttonous pigs end up. They are forced to lie in a mix of dirt and black snow, representing the disgusting way the spent their lives, slavering over food. Don't you know anything, taichou?'

'Che. It's not that bad.'

At that point the desk gave an ominous rattle and something snarled from the top drawer. To hammer the point home, our small and smelly vice captain strode in holding something not-so-recently deceased and announced that she was making a nest for it out of our captain's haori until it was 'bettered'.

He just looked at me. I smiled because I knew I had won.

The next day I was given a nice chunk of the budget to clean up the place as I saw fit. I had never been so happy in my entire life.

Here is what I did. Follow these instructions if you wish to end up with a working environment as beautiful as ours was.

(Note: I say was. The spruced-up version of our division lasted about two days. But the beauty of it will live forever in my memories.)

--

Get together a team of crack cleaners. You may also know them as your friends, or 'chumps'.

Direct them to areas that need cleaning. They will naturally grumble and complain, most likely saying things like 'you said we were going to the pub!' and other such rubbish. Just flutter your eyelashes.

Your captain will appear at this point, annoyed by the noise and the smell of Mr. Muscles Lemon Fresh, which he will probably not have experienced before. Either get him to help or tell him to go away.

The place is now 'Your Friends' Clean'. Inspect it and tell them to do it again. After all, you have high standards.

Time for a glass of champagne. Cleaning is hard work after all.

Once the place is properly clean, time for the fun part. Use those pretty flip charts that you get from the hard-wear store to select an appropriate colour scheme.

Send two people to buy the paint – one with muscles and one who can use money effectively. You may only need to send one idiot but in my experience, muscles and brains are rarely to be found in the same pot.

In the mean time, use diagrams to explain to your friends exactly where the furniture needs to be arranged. Once they've moved it (probably accompanied by much grunting and swearing) ask them to move it back. Repeat until it loses its comedy value (could take some time).

Have another glass of champagne.

Hand out paintbrushes, and instruct them to get cracking. In the meantime, flip through magazines looking for ornaments.

Go out and buy something pretty to liven the place up.

When you come back, finish off the champagne. Instruct your friends to get out as the sweaty, paint-splattered look does nothing for the nice clean barracks. Best get out as well if you're ugly.

Check it out! Updation! Sorry it's been so long, but, ya know, GCSEs call and all that. Anyway, I'm starting A Levels soon, so well have to see as far as updates go.