Changes In the Wind
It had been months since I agreed to watch her and not a day went by that I regretted it. There was a light about her. Her smile was contagious and her voice was like a song. Whenever I was around her, I felt as if I were walking on air.
Her presence filled a void I thought could never be filled and I found myself looking forward to the days I got to be around her. It was probably the reason I ignored the protocol on the day I finally spoke to her. I was on my knees and smiling while looking into her emerald-green eyes as she reached towards me.
"Thank you," she politely said when I handed her the blue ribbon from the ground after dusting it off. The wind blew it from her hand when she went to tie her hair back and I knew it was important to her.
"My name is Aerith."
"Tseng," I responded, already knowing her name from her file. Then I stood and she firmly held her hand out to shake mine. Normally, I would have lied about my identity, but then again, I never would have made my presence known to someone I was ordered to investigate.
From that day, she called us friends. She was naive in her youth and she liked to call me her big brother. I never told her how old I was and I was more than happy to look upon her as the daughter I might have had.
She would have been the same age as my own had things been different.
"Here," I said and motioned for her to turn around. Her brown hair was a thick wavy mess from the wind and it kept going into her eyes. Then I took the ribbon back from her and asked while kneeling again, "Are you familiar with a braid?"
"A braid?" she excitedly asked. "Yes! But my mother hasn't had the time to teach me yet."
She was different from the other children in the slums. She was happy, trusting, and kind, and she emitted the same due respect from the other children around her.
President Shinra believed it was because she was an Ancient. He believed they had special abilities, and from what I'd seen in the short time I'd been watching her, I believed it too. She was the last of her kind and as precious as a desert rose to us. Though, our reasons for watching her had nothing to do with admiration.
We had very little to admire compared to the information we could gain from our research on her, and perhaps it was a mistake to make my presence known that day. I allowed myself a luxury I couldn't afford and revealed a vulnerability I thought I'd overcome. I believe those vulnerabilities were the reason she came to see us as friends. We both lost our families and we both felt lost and out of place. Only, she managed to find a way to fit in and be accepted through her forgiving and kind nature.
Sadly, I never had much of that to go on.
Days later, she came running up to me with a handful of wool scraps and asked me to teach her how to braid.
"My mom is always so tired when she comes home from work," she explained, "and I don't want to burden her if I don't have to."
"I doubt you could ever be a burden," I mused as we sat on a nearby bench and I took eighteen pieces of wool from her and handed half of it back after tying it at one end.
"Here," I said as I held the tied ends between my knees. "Like this… "
She was a quick learner but we spent over an hour because she kept redoing it to make sure she had it right and I caught myself smiling at her eagerness.
She had the same habits as my daughter and stuck her tongue out while she concentrated, but she took me off guard when she finally looked up at me with a thoughtful expression and said, "I've been meaning to ask you something for a while… but I'm afraid I don't know how."
"Oh?" I lightly asked while I quirked my brow and wondered how a little girl could possibly come up with something difficult to ask and offered her the best advice I could come up with. "Well, I find the best way to ask a question is to just ask it."
"Really…? You're not afraid you might upset someone?"
"No," I confessed. "I've never really been as compassionate as I am curious, I suppose."
"Then you won't get mad?"
"I don't see how I can answer that without knowing what it is you're going to ask," I playfully admitted.
"So, I should just ask it then," she concluded with a quick nod and I fought with myself to hold back a small chuckle before my next jest.
"Well, you've gotten my curiosity now… I think it would be rude if you didn't."
"Okay," she said as she awkwardly turned to me and thoughtfully ran her eyes over me in the same manner an adult would before she asked, "why are you so sad?"
"Pardon?" I asked.
"I'm sorry," she said and she quickly looked away while explaining that, "it's just… Your eyes… They always look so sad."
"Oh," I said. She took me off guard and I was left speechless while I stared at the back of her head and wondered how I should respond. She was too young to understand anything I might tell her and sharing my thoughts or my past with her wasn't something I was planning on doing.
She had her own burdens and it was never my agenda to befriend her in the first place, but for some strange reason, I mindlessly told her about my daughter and how she reminded me of her, and she thoughtfully looked at me and nodded when I was done.
"Saity doesn't want you to be sad," she told me, and then she hopped off the bench and held out her small hand for me to take. "Let me show you a place that always makes me feel happy."
"Okay," I said, and I let her lead me to an abandoned church where there was a small patch of fragrant flowers growing in the centre.
The floorboards were broken and the revealed earth was rich and fertile. Then I instinctively looked to the broken ceiling where the light from the sun shone through. It was odd when I considered that the sun never made its way to the slums because of the plate above.
It obscured the natural light and forced the people of the slums to survive under the cold fluorescent lighting that barely mimicked the sun. It was as cold and lifeless as the complexions on the residents, despite Aerith's warm glow and rosy cheeks. Though, stranger still, I realized that I never told her my daughter's name.
—Tseng
"Get up!" Genesis demands as he barges into Tseng's room and starts pulling Tseng's clothes from the dresser so that he can stuff them into a medium-sized bag.
"Why?" Tseng grumbles as he turns from the wall and rubs at his eyes while yawning.
"We're leaving!"
Genesis had been tearing the cabin apart for the last hour before he went into Tseng's room. I thought he was looking for something at first. Tseng had a habit of hiding things he felt would aid in his escape and Genesis developed a habit of searching the place whenever Tseng slept. It was an endless and tireless endeavour for them both.
Then I realized that he was packing and I recalled him telling Tseng a few days earlier that they should move. None of it struck me as odd until I noted that he was gone for most of the night and when he returned, he was almost in a frenzy over something. He appeared to be in a hurry, and even now, when he roughly yanks Tseng out of bed, he appears as if he can't get out of the cabin faster.
He ignores Tseng's grumbling and goes so far as to help Tseng put some warm clothes and a pair of boots on, despite that Tseng doesn't appreciate the haphazard attempt.
"I take it we're in a hurry?" Tseng wryly asks as he steadies himself and Genesis yanks him to the door while ignoring the fact that Tseng's boots weren't on properly and one of them falls off and stays near the bed.
"Just leave it!" Genesis hisses while yanking him closer. Then he drags him into the living area and grabs a blanket from the sofa and mumbles, "We'll just have to wrap you up… As the pampered bitch that you are, you should appreciate that!"
"No," Tseng grumbles as he places his palm on Genesis' face like he's trying to feel Genesis' expression before he roughly pushes him backwards. Then he straightens his collar and smirks while Genesis stumbles, and he cockily adds, "That doesn't meet my standards."
From there, they verbally and physically fight with each other in the typical manner that they often do, and like usual, neither of them really knows why any more.
My guess is that Genesis has no idea why he puts as much effort into it as Tseng does, and Tseng probably has no idea what it is that he's fighting for or against any more. They just do it because it's what they both do best.
They drive one another crazy for no known reason other than to spite each other.
It changes nothing though, by the time Genesis gets a decent grip on Tseng, he manages to drag him far enough away from the cabin. The fact that Tseng lost his other boot in the process has lost its importance to them and Genesis stops when the cabin is almost out of sight.
He stares at Tseng's snow covered socks, sighs, frowns, and pulls the shivering Turk close enough to keep him warm, only to be rewarded by a quick and unexpected push in the opposite direction.
The force causes them both to stumble backwards, and Genesis furrows his brows at Tseng in silent disapproval while they sit in the snow and large flakes fall from the sky to settle in their hair and on their shoulders. Genesis watches while Tseng stares into nothingness and stubbornly does his best to hide his shivers.
Then he shakes his head at Tseng and pushes himself from the ground while mumbling almost to himself that, "You have no idea what I go through to protect you." After that, he brushes the snow from his knees and shoulders, removes his coat and tosses it at Tseng. "Your stubbornness won't ward the cold for much longer… The temperature is dropping and you're already starting to break."
Genesis holds his hand up—palm facing the direction of the cabin—and he quietly says, "Fire3," to elicit a growling ball of flames that travels mercilessly towards the cabin. The flames devour the only place they've known as a home for over half a year with an echoing explosion that upsets the settled snow upon the delicate peeks surrounding them.
The sound of the resulting avalanche rumbles through the clouded grey skies at barely a safe enough distance.
Then he turns his attention back to Tseng and smiles when he sees the first twinge of genuine confusion, and is calmly asked, "What the hell did you just do?"
"We have a long night ahead of us," Genesis tells him as he steps closer and kneels to help Tseng to his feet. "But don't worry… I'm not about to leave your side any time soon… I'll ensure your comfort as always."
"Why did you destroy the cabin?" Tseng steadily asks with a hint of anger in his tone when he rises to his feet. Then he pushes Genesis backwards when he hears his mocking laughter and yells out, "That was our home!"
"Our home?" Genesis curiously asks. His amusement disappears quickly and he turns chillingly calm as if he were taken off guard and needs a moment to regain himself while he slowly repeats, "Our… home…?
"My-my… You always spoke of our home as if you felt it was your prison," he says as he yanks Tseng towards him and smiles. "I had no idea you were harbouring such sentimental feelings towards everything I've done to ensure your comfort. I naturally assumed you abhorred your surroundings due to your countless attempts to escape.
"Yet here you are, admitting that you've grown comfortable," Genesis muses as he pulls Tseng closer and brushes his thumb across Tseng's bottom lip while ignoring Tseng's sneer before he quickly jerks away from Genesis' touch. "Is there anything else you'd like to confess to me tonight…? Is there anything else that you've grown accustomed to?"
"You're insane," Tseng grumbles, unwilling to indulge in Genesis' sudden gloating. He's still shivering as Genesis pulls him closer and Genesis brushes his hair from his face in an admiring way.
"Perhaps…" Genesis starts while Tseng warily allows him to escort him to the nearby caverns. "Though, according to my observations, I would go so far as to say I'm the sanest person you've ever known… and that perhaps, you may be starting to like it."
For about two months, Tseng seemed like a different person. He was happier. At times, it almost seemed like he was walking on air. Part of me suspected that it had something to do with his assignment, and part of me wanted to suspect that he was finally comfortable with our living arrangement.
He smiled more, laughed more, and his sense of humour had lightened. I began to believe that he was happier and more comfortable with me. Though, part of me felt I was being naive.
"Something's on your mind," he jested as he held his arm around my waist and clasped our hands together with the other while he lightly swayed us both to the music he was listening to. "Care to share?" he asked when he partially twirled and leaned his back to my chest.
"No," I muttered before I pulled him closer and breathed in the cologne I bought for him a while back.
It was a light and airy cologne, barely noticeable, and he wore it every day. He even went so far as to flatter me by asking what it was and where I got it.
"Why?" I asked
"So that I can buy more," he replied with a smile while he slowly turned to face me.
Then he looked up to me with a light to his rosy-brown eyes and waited while I stared back at him in admiration before I offered, "If you're running out, tell me. I'll buy you more."
"That won't do," he playfully responded. "What happens if I run out while one of us is on a mission?"
"I'll buy you more than one bottle then," I offered with a smile. Truthfully, his airiness was wearing off on me and I was feeling drunk in his presence.
"You spoil me too much," he breathed out before he gently pushed me away as if he were playfully sulking. Then he lazily plopped onto the sofa and let his head fall back while admitting, "I could kill for a glass of wine right now."
"You don't drink any more," I reminded him while noting his playful pout. "However… I do recall you mentioning that cranberry juice was the next best thing."
He chuckled at that, and I ignored the fact that it struck me as somewhat bitter before he mentioned that it wasn't the same.
Many things weren't the same since we first met. He wasn't fighting with me any more and he wasn't arguing, and I had to admit that I liked it. There was a time when I thought it was the challenge that attracted me to him, but when he changed, I began to think it was something else that I never noticed.
It was something that I couldn't put my finger on and it began to intrigue me more.
Suddenly, everything that happened with Hojo and Nibelheim didn't matter any more. The mysteries that I thought kept me going were no longer questioned and I wound up sitting beside him while contemplating the next step of our relationship for a change.
I didn't dare speak my thoughts though. Even though he was more relaxed, a part of me still treaded on eggshells whenever the idea of mentioning anything about our relationship to others sprang to mind.
Instead, I sat back, felt a small smile tug at the corner of my mouth, and I put my arm behind him while thinking that I could happily give up everything in the world for him.
My life, my soul… even my sanity… It was all at his beckon call.
Though, some things never changed. Despite how much I loved him and would give up for him, a feeling that I began to recognize as neglect and justifiable guilt was tugging at my insides with little effect on my questionable actions. Tseng had little to no libido. He was affectionate and liked attention. He liked spending time with me and he enjoyed flirting, but when it came to the bedroom, he was always too tired, too busy, or simply never in the mood.
He made me wonder if he was only playing with me sometimes. Maybe he wasn't as serious about me as I was about him. Yet, he was the only one I wanted and the only one I wanted to want me back.
It seemed like he didn't feel the same though. He was no longer the man I knew when we first met. His passion melted away and he became too content with doing nothing more than flirting with me and working, and more than a week later, I caught myself asking, Why do I bother?
I caught myself asking that question more frequently than I used to, despite the subtle nagging in the back of my mind that told me it might have been my fault. There was a possibility that he knew what I was doing when we were separated due to our jobs.
There was a possibility that he knew I couldn't resist the attention of the admirers I attracted, and there was a possibility that he knew what I was doing as I watched a fellow soldier dressing himself in the morning after sharing a bed with me.
Could that be it? I wondered as I sat up and noted the faint light from the first signs of dawn creeping through the cracks of the closed curtains. If it is… why doesn't he call me on it?
I'm not sure how I would have responded if he did though, and it's possible there was a faint possibility that he might have suspected as I watched the Soldier pull his shirt over his head and do his belt up. His hair was black like Tseng's, but not the same texture. It was messier and slightly wavy, despite how neatly trimmed it was, and I wondered if it were possible that maybe it was Tseng that was more afraid of hearing the answer than I was of having to answer to it.
Maybe we felt it was easier to bury our heads in the sand, and as a result, the fire we used to ignite in one another dwindled to a dying flame that he struggled to keep alive by being more affectionate in familiar surroundings and then losing his nerve when it turned serious.
"Will you be joining us in the barracks for breakfast?" The soldier asked as he turned around and grabbed his sheath. He had a charming smile and a slight light in his eyes that I couldn't quite make out the colour of.
I only shrugged as an answer and adjusted the sheet that covered my lower half before quietly answering, "It's best if I don't spend too much time around you."
"I get it," he responded while he adjusted his pants. Then he leaned over and quickly pecked me on the cheek like he was fine with the sudden cold shoulder I was exhibiting before he added when he walked towards the door, "I've heard the rumours… You don't like attachments."
Then he turned around and paused with a devilish smile. "I wasn't expecting anything more from you if that's what you're worried about."
Worried?
I was unaware that I had any expression at all as I sighed and sat forward, still covering my lower half while giving no thought to the fact that I never made any effort to cover myself in front of others before I met Tseng.
I never knew or felt shame before he came into my life, and I reached over to grab my pants while holding the sheet to make sure it stayed in place while the Soldier quickly informed me that he was more than willing to have a casual 'romp' on occasion, if I were interested. I only nodded once without looking at him as an answer, and then I lowly stated that, "I'll keep that in mind," when he opened the door and stepped into the empty hallway with an assured smirk.
I could see it now. In my mind, Angeal would be standing over me with his arms crossed. His stern expression of disapproval would be worn heavy like a mask. Genesis would be egging me on, dancing behind me and singing like a bard about how my poor lover would feel if he ever found out, and Tseng…
Tseng would probably bury me with nothing more than the shadows he's capable of conjuring with those smouldering eyes of his. That's what happens when he's angry. He doesn't only lash out in a physical manner, he kills you with nothing but a darkening glare that draws you in like a tonberry.
'Seriously, Sephiroth…' They would say, 'How can you live with yourself?'
The answer to that was always an easy one…
I didn't live by myself, but unfortunately, the truth was never as easy as the answer.
I'm not sure how long I was standing against the building I was hiding behind when I returned. It might have been a twinge of guilt that led me to Sector 2 on a personal mission to find the cologne Tseng admitted to liking and I couldn't remember where I bought it.
The next thing I knew I was walking through Sector 5. There was something therapeutic about walking through the slums by myself. It cleared my mind and it was working well until I heard a familiar voice and turned to see a Turk talking to a young girl like he'd known her for a while.
Who the hell is that? I wondered, but rather than make my presence known, I hid behind the nearby building.
I'm not sure why I did it, and I wasn't sure why I felt as angry as I did.
It was a young girl. Nothing was out of sorts about her or her interactions with Tseng. I was certain I had nothing to worry about, but there was something about her that bothered me in a way I couldn't explain. Every small giggle made me ill, and the sweet sound of her voice was like a noxious fume that threatened my existence.
At the time, I was unaware of what she was or what Tseng's relationship with her was about. Though, something about her very presence was threatening, and I impulsively wanted to slay her in front of Tseng so that I could prove my valiancy to him. Then I wanted to drag him as far away from her as I could to ensure his safety. It wasn't only for me. There was something nagging at me that Tseng was also in danger from this little girl and I nearly followed my urges before Tseng lightly said, "Goodbye, Aerith," and he started walking away with a giddy expression on his face.
"When will I see you again?"
"I'm not sure," he said, sounding somewhat saddened all the sudden, and I removed my hand from the hilt of my sword and wondered what the hell was the matter with me.
Then I assumed she must have been that assignment he said he was on. He never said much more about it except that Lazard gave him a strange mission and that he wasn't sure what to make of it. About the only thing he admitted was that he felt like he was being sent on a babysitting assignment. He never said anything since then and I never questioned him further. Most of our assignments were classified, and I figured that If I didn't know anything about it, then I probably wasn't meant to.
This, however, did seem odd, and I was suddenly unsure of what to make of it myself.
Tseng wasn't the only person that was acting strangely though. Genesis had also changed. He took my relationship with Tseng in stride and rarely spoke of it, saving most of it for the times when he caught me with someone else.
"Do you really believe you can keep this charade up forever?" he asked, no longer playful about it and sounding almost as chastising and disapproving as Angeal. "For all you know, he already knows. He's not stupid, you know."
"He would have said or done something by now," I answered as I closed the door to my Junon apartment and Genesis took his coat off and made himself comfortable on the sofa after dusting off the surface of the cushion with his hand.
"What makes you so sure he hasn't?" he casually asked as he picked up the newspaper from three months ago, shook the dust from it and smirked at the headline. Again, it wasn't a playful question. "You said it yourself… you don't think he's interested in you any more. You feel like he's playing with you most of the time."
Then he tossed the paper onto the coffee table, causing a small cloud of dust to puff into the air and he kicked his feet up while ignoring it. "Perhaps it's because he's disgusted by the fact that you can't keep it in your pants."
No… I assumed while wishing that he would quit obsessing over the topic. I knew he was mad about it. He'd been acting put off since he saw me sneaking out of the hotel that morning. Though I couldn't say why it was any of his business.
Then I shook my head and walked into the kitchen while frowning at the film of dust over everything. The last time I was in Junon was three months ago, and I concluded that I probably needed a housekeeper while I was away at the same time I was thinking that, He lost interest in me long before I started cheating on him…
With a nod to reassure myself, I had to assume that he started losing interest in me after his wife and daughter passed away. From there, he gradually grew more distant. Though, the final nail in the coffin had to be the night I took him down to Hojo after he threw up something unrecognizable and then passed out.
When he awoke on Hojo's examination table, Hojo outwardly called us lovers and Tseng was offended and tried to walk out.
Hojo demanded that I stop him and I grabbed Tseng from behind without giving it any thought. I even went so far as to cover his mouth when he tried to raise his voice.
There was a struggle between us until Hojo injected Tseng with something that appeared to knock him out. Then he demanded that I leave and I did as I was told.
Nothing about the incident felt right when I thought about it afterwards, and the more I thought about it, the more I questioned my own inability to question Hojo.
Why did I do that? I wondered while I stared at the take out menu on the table. Why didn't I ask what was going on?
"I shouldn't have left him there…" I muttered to myself while thinking that Tseng seemed to avoid me after that, and I snapped out of it when Genesis asked, "Pardon?"
"Nothing," I replied. Then I grabbed the menu and offered, "Wutian?"
He sneered in distaste and then said, "Sure."
After a quick phone call, I walked back into the living room and leaned against the wall behind the sofa, almost relishing in the fact that I was able to eat something that Tseng refused to have anywhere near him. At the same time, I was also feeling guilty over the fact that Tseng appeared to be acting more affectionate before I left for Junon.
Then I started reflecting on the conversation I overheard between Genesis and Angeal earlier that day.
I still hadn't said anything about it and I wasn't sure if I heard it correctly. I could have also misinterpreted it. Though it was more likely that I didn't want to find out whether it were true or not since it went something like this…
"You'll never guess who I saw coming out of one of those Motels in Wall Market this morning."
"You sound like you have a dilemma," Genesis responded.
"I do…" Angeal replied. "I'm not sure, actually."
"Well… which is it?"
"I wish I knew," he said. "But it was Tseng… It could have been a mission…?"
"Doubtful…" Genesis snickered out, seeming oddly uncomfortable all the sudden. Then he quickly asked with a sudden interest, "Did you see who he was with?"
"No," Angeal answered before he quickly shook his head and furrowed his brows when Genesis perked up and smiled like it was the best news he'd heard in a long time. "It's not funny Genesis… I need to know if I should tell Sephiroth… it's what friends do, right?"
Genesis' answer was unexpected. A while back, it was in character for him to say, 'Yes… Definitely,' or even to point out that I was getting what I deserved. Instead, he calmly shook his head like he was deep in thought. Then he quietly commented that, "I don't think you should say anything… Just think of the mess you could cause over something that could be nothing… After all, it could have had something to do with a mission."
After that, he walked away with a strange smile on his face and a doubtful look in his eyes.
They kept their voices low and neither of them knew I was within earshot. At least, I was certain that Angeal never knew. Genesis, on the other hand…
Well, things weren't always what they seemed with Genesis.
He was a paradox. He was honest to a fault, yet a vindictive liar if it suited him. He could be loyal to you one moment, and then stab you in the back the second you turned away. At times, I wondered if passion was his only driving force.
Other times, I had no idea, and I decided not to over-think the matter while I stared at the back of his head and decided to finally test the ground as I walked towards the sofa to sit beside him.
"You don't think he's having an affair… Do you?"
"No," Genesis responded, giving it no thought at all while he shook his head and absurdly laughed out, "Definitely not."
Maybe I worded it wrong. I wasn't sure, but there was no hesitation to his answer and he couldn't have sounded more sure of himself.
I might have pressed it further, but Angeal showed up, and shortly after, we were eating take-out and then bidding the day farewell with a friendly spar among friends.
If I had known how things were going to wind up when I returned to Midgar, I may have spent my time differently. For one, I may have refrained from my sordid affairs, and for two, I might not have called Tseng after Genesis told me he was going on a mission in the North with him in the weeks to come.
It was near the end of our stay in Junon and I wound up calling Tseng in the middle of the night with no other intention than to start an argument after finding out that they could be stuck together for months—just the two of them.
I should have known better. I should have known that Genesis liked to embellish his stories, and I should have known that accusing Tseng of visiting sordid Motels in Wall Market was going to have a negative side-effect.
It didn't stop me though, and the more I thought about it on my way back home, the more I realized that I shouldn't have said the things I said to him.
As a result, I did my best to make amends when I walked through the door to an empty apartment and decided I'd wait for him while trying to come up with a way to rectify my mistakes.
"I see you've made some new friends," I said when Tseng made it home that evening.
After an odd pause, he shook his head and said, "I'm not in the mood to do this right now."
Then he walked to the bathroom while removing his blazer and I curiously watched him act like he was avoiding me. Again, conflicting thoughts invaded my mind with intertwining guilt and accusations.
"I meant the girl," I said as I stood up and walked to the door.
"Leviathan… Seph…" he breathed out like I couldn't have frustrated him more by saying what I said. "There is no girl."
I realized how it sounded when he responded and I tried as best as I could to rectify the misinterpretation. "I meant the little girl you were with… before I left, I saw you talking to her," I said, hoping that I could lighten the air between us. "You looked happy."
"Leviathan," he muttered. Then he admitted that, "I'm not supposed to be talking to her."
"Oh?" I responded, before I wondered aloud, "Then why are you talking to her?"
"It just… sort of happened," he explained as he pulled the elastic from his hair and combed it out, "and now… I can't stop myself."
"Then maybe you shouldn't have done it in the first place," I stated in a toying manner as I walked closer to him and he roughly pushed me back while stating something along the lines that maybe I should take my own advice.
Then he neatly put the elastic back in his hair and tossed his brush back on the counter before he walked into the bedroom like he wanted nothing to do with me.
It was at that point, that Genesis and Angeal's private conversation came back to me like a flood. Part of me suspected that he knew about my casual relations on the side, and another part of me suspected that he found someone new. It wouldn't have been the first time.
After all, my imagination was becoming more active and he was married when he was screwing around with me, and now it was possible that I was the one being screwed around on.
On the other hand, there was another possibility, and it was the one I least wanted to consider. It was possible that he knew what I was doing and that he decided to retaliate by doing the same thing.
That was when Genesis came to mind again. In the past, he wanted nothing more than to wedge himself between me and Tseng. It was like that from the start. He made no attempt to hide his contempt over the fact that he saw him first and that I somehow 'cheated' him on a deal we never made.
He also never refrained from trying to light a fire under our relationship by constantly telling me what Tseng was doing. Yet he never spoke to Tseng about what I was doing, and stranger still, he chose to keep the conversation he and Angeal had to himself.
Why?
Was it possible that he didn't want me knowing because he was the one that Tseng was with?
Maybe he did tell Tseng and I didn't know because rather than confront me on the matter, Tseng chose to retaliate instead.
After all, they were going on a mission together. How was I to know that there was any mission at all? Maybe it was their way of running away together while leaving me behind to play the fool.
The next thing I knew, I was standing at the doorway to our bedroom and watching Tseng undress like I was disgusted by him while lowly purring out, "You're not sleeping with Genesis, are you?"
At first, he laughed like he was stunned and appalled by the notion. Then he paused like he was giving it some thought before he shook his head and laughed again.
"Really?" he asked, like he was suddenly annoyed again. "I haven't seen you for over a month and all you want to say to me is…?"
"I didn't say it," I corrected. "I asked, and you haven't answered."
"It didn't sound like a question as much as it did an accusation, Sephiroth," he argued back while slipping into a more comfortable pair of slacks.
Again, he avoided answering even though I doubted he would ever have a problem coming up with a lie.
He was talented when it came to lying. He'd been doing it all his life and it was second nature to him. He didn't even need a reason to do it. He'd just do it and think nothing of it.
It was like Hojo had been telling me all along. Tseng lied, cheated, and did countless other things of a questionable nature.
"He's dubious and malevolent, Sephiroth… You'll regret this if you don't get rid of him!"
There he was in my head again. Hojo's mad ranting about the evils that Tseng was going to rain down upon my world, and I suspiciously stared at Tseng while trying to read his unreadable expression.
He looked unimpressed and disgusted, and I had no way of telling whether the expression was genuine or not. I had no way of knowing whether he told the truth or not, and I began to wonder if I ever knew him at all.
He was multifaceted and different for everyone. He was proper and chastising around Reno, conniving and secretive around Rufus, and a major ass-kisser when it came to the President.
"Who are you?" I finally blurted out as I moved to the bed and sat on the edge while he searched for a casual shirt that suited his mood. They were all the same colour and I never understood what it was he was really searching for when he was looking for something to wear.
The question caused him to sneer and shake his head while I curiously studied him. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"You," I pointed out, noting that he wasn't turning around and that he was still avoiding me for some unknown reason. "I have no idea who you are any more."
Then he let out a frustrated sigh and grumbled that, "That's because you never want to discuss anything involving me," as he quickly threw on a shirt and walked out of the room like he was angry about something.
Did I miss something? I wondered.
What the hell is his problem?
In many ways, I was clueless when it came to him, and he knew it. Sometimes he used it to his advantage, and other times it frustrated him in ways I could never understand. The biggest problem was that I never knew which was which, and I never bothered to try to find out.
He called me selfish and egotistical on several occasions, and although I never saw the harm in such labels, he was right.
I just didn't care enough to realize it back then, and I followed him back into the living room where he suddenly turned on me after I asked him who the girl was that he was talking to earlier.
Somehow, in my mind, I thought it would rectify all of my mistakes if I took his mind off of what ever it was that was bothering him by changing the topic, but it didn't.
"That's what I'm talking about!" he said to me as he angrily pointed while doing up the buttons on his shirt with his other hand. "The only time you ever want to talk to me is when you want to have sex or to accuse me of something you're more likely to do than me!"
"That's probably because you never want to talk," I fired back, not paying much mind to the accusation as if I were avoiding it. "You turn everything I say against me."
"Against you?" he asked, despite that it sounded a little mocking. "You never hear what I have to say, Sephiroth. You either cut me off because you're not interested, or you have some half-assed solution that only works in your imagination," he spat out. "Well, guess what? There's a real world out there and it's not as black and white as you want to pretend it is! Nor does it have anything to do with the accusations you place upon me by your own affairs!"
It was true. He never wanted to talk about anything, and lately, whether I wanted to admit it, he was probably right about it having to do with the fact that I acted like I never cared about what he had to say.
We were probably both to blame for our actions and it was probably that behaviour that started pulling us apart.
It probably also had to do with the last thing he said. I could no longer avoid it and I brushed it off as best as I could but it didn't change the uncomfortable silence that followed.
That was when I realized I was no different from him when it came to games, and I finally repeated those dreaded words as if it finally sank in, "My own affairs…?"
"Yes," he answered, with a quick nod as he did the last of his buttons up and slipped his shoes on. Then he walked passed me without looking at me and cut me off when I went to defend myself. "I have no desire to fight with you tonight… We haven't seen each other for over a month and I was hoping that we could just… not fight about what either of us thinks the other is doing."
The other is doing…?
He knew. He always knew, and I chose to deny it any way.
"What are you saying?" I dumbly asked. I suddenly realized that I wasn't afraid of what he knew because I was sure that I could do something to convince him otherwise. In no less than a second, I convinced myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong because I managed to turn it all around by focussing on all of his flaws instead of my own, and I suddenly asked before I gave him a chance to answer, "Where are you going?"
"To a game," he answered as he opened the door and turned to stare at me for a moment like there was something on his mind that he didn't want to discuss, and then he explained that, "Reno invited me earlier. Our entire group is going and I decided I might enjoy spending some time with the people I share my life with."
"I just got back," I slowly responded, "and you decide that a game with your friends is your biggest priority…?" All I could do to stop myself from strangling him was to stand there and stare at him while concluding that, "You did this on purpose… For someone who says they don't want to fight, you sure as hell went out of your way to start one, didn't you…? You planned this."
He cockily smirked and grabbed his jacket that was already waiting for him by the door. Then he stared at me and met my eyes like he was satisfied before he advised me to, "Don't wait up for me. I have no intention of returning at a reasonable hour."
Then he closed the door and left like he couldn't have cared less about the possible consequences of his actions.