SURVEY
MEMO: FROM: IANTO JONES GENERAL SUPPORT.
TO: ALL STAFF TORCHWOOD 3...NB: I AM NOT RESPOSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS, I HAVE TO ANSWER THEM TOO OWEN!
In the interests of staff wellbeing Jack has asked me (Don't know why he can't do it himself) to distribute the attached questionnaire.
1: What do you do in the event of the fire alarm going off?
2: Describe weapons log and sign in/out procedure.
3: Describe operating instructions for the coffee machine with bullet points and diagrams to prevent confusion.
4: Have you read the TW3 handbook?
5: Define Torchwood health and safety guidelines. (No essays Ianto, please!).
6: What is Myfanwy's favourite food?
7: Why does Owen never clean up?
8: How many translation programmes can Tosh run at a time?
9: Where's the key to the cleaner's cupboard?
10: Why do we have 37 unpaid parking fines and 45 speeding tickets for the SUV?
Please email your replies straight to Jack..... I do not want to see them.
Attn: Captain Jack Harkness RE Survey, please find attached response. Ianto Jones: General support.
1: It might help to install some fire alarms and smoke detectors first, sir.
2: It should be: sign a request form and key release for weapon's locker, select ones weapon and check it is in good working order. Take it and whatever ammunition is required. Lock the weapons store and return the key with a signature. Do the same in reverse for putting weapons back adding in a quick clean and ensuring there are no live rounds left in the weapon itself.
It is: Find the nearest gun lying around, load and shove in your belt and hope it works.
3: Are you trying to put me out of a job?
4: Yes. Amendments are required....please find extensive list.
5: There are no health and safety guidelines as risk assessing always involves certain death.
6: Just don't ever feed her cod..... anything else is fair game lab coats are an especial favourite.
7: Why does the Earth orbit the sun?
8: As many as she likes so long as YOU don't touch them.
9: I'm not telling you.
10: Jack, I think you already know the answer to that.
To Jack from Owen..... Under protest!
1: Run. Very fast.
2: Check it's loaded BEFORE firing?
3: No way, Ianto will kill me.
4: There is one?
5: If it's alien it'll kill you, if it's from the Welsh countryside it will eat you.
6: Lab coats.
7: It's Ianto's job.
8: More than you can.
9: Ask Ianto.
10: That's your fault Jack!
Attn Jack Harkness from Gwen Cooper.
1: Not sure, perhaps we should have a fire drill.
2: I've no idea. Other than making the weapons safe when not in use and correct handling... you remember you showed me Jack......
3: I only want Ianto's coffee.
4: Ianto showed me it, it's on my to do pile.
5: Health and Safety, you've got to be joking?!
6: Ianto says she likes Salmon and I know a few of Owen's coats have disappeared recently.
7: Because he's a lazy sod.
8: I've no idea I never touch Tosh's work.
9: Ask Ianto.
10: Nothing to do with me. I never speed and I use my car to pick up take aways.
Dear Jack....Here's your questions answered. Love Tosh.
1: Do we have fire alarms?
2: I've read the manual.... and haven't shot myself in the foot or lost a gun yet so I don't think you should be asking me.
3: I've no idea I drink tea.
4: It needs re writing Jack.
5: HnS? Have you actually tried risk assessing our jobs?
6: Anything she's not supposed to have with sauce on top.
7: You need to ask?
8: 10.
9: Ask Ianto. He knows everything.
10: Jack you KNOW whose guilty of that....don't you!