Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Playlist: http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715
Suggested Listening: Miranda Cossgrove – Kissin U; Kelly Clarkson – Save You; Daughtry – Sorry; The Commodores – Easy.
The time in my life without Jacob was scary. Fear consumed my very being. I was afraid to live, afraid to see, afraid to love, and afraid to be. Mostly, I spent time wallowing in my losses. However, on quite a few occasions Marybelle would bail on date night to spend time with me. It was when I was with Marybelle that I felt hope again. It felt like there may be a silver lining to this whole mess.
"Miss Bella, it seems math is not exactly your forte." Marybelle laughed, looking over my mid-term grades. Her eyes narrowed as she looked down the bridge of her nose to me. "Charlie won't be happy about the C+, but the A in Biology will thrill him!"
"I know. Calculus is such a pain." When Marybelle was around, I felt like I could be a teenager, like I could let loose of the adult responsibilities I felt I had around everyone else.
"Oh, Calculus? Well, I suppose a C+ is great for Calculus." She smiled wildly. "What exactly is Calculus?"
I shook my head and laughed deep in my chest. There was still a faint pain lingering in my heart, but it faded as the weeks passed on. Marybelle often asked me about my interests and my plans for college. Granted that I had expected to go away to college with Jacob, I had no real idea what I was going to do anymore. Even when I applied for colleges, I checked the "undecided" box, because well, nothing really held my interest.
The more time Marybelle spent with me, the more Dad kept her coming around. I could see the glimmer in his eye and the hop in his step at the simple mention of her name. His grin was one I had not seen in years, but I came to expect it daily. Dad was happy and falling head over heels in love. The same could be said about Marybelle. She glowed around my father.
"Bella." Dad called for me as I walked through the door from school. "Come sit. I want to talk to you."
The colors of life still seemed dull. Yet, on this day, they began to brighten just a bit more. "Yeah, Dad. What's up?"
Dad pulled his head back in shock. He was not used to seeing me in such a light, cheerful mood. "Well," he looked back toward the television, "I wanted to talk to you about Marybelle."
My stomach dropped. I hoped and prayed it was not bad news. Though I knew better, I still expected an out-of-nowhere blow just like the one Jacob had offered me. Would I ever forget what happened? Would the look in his eyes always haunt my every waking moment? And would his hurtful words continue to cause me nightmares?
"Okay." I responded. Panic flooded my voice.
"I… well… You know that I love Marybelle, and I would never want you to feel like you're being replaced right?" I nodded. A soft thud in my chest caused a ghost stinging sensation in my heart. "Well, I was, I wanted to run it by you first, but well, I want Marybelle to move in with us. I know it's fast, and if you don't want her to, then she won't. We've already discussed it. She's so great with you, and…"
Relief coursed through my veins at lightning speed. "Of course, Dad! I love Marybelle."
"It's okay with you?" Dad turned in his recliner. He watched my reaction for any type of lie.
"Yes. It's fine." I smiled a true, honest smile. It was the first time I had smiled that way since Jacob stopped being my friend.
To celebrate Marybelle's moving in, Dad wanted to do something that you could only experience here. Growing up in a place like Forks made you forget all of the unique qualities about the area. Most people would see this place as a beautifully drawn piece of art; whereas I saw it as a damp, dreary mud puddle. There had to be more to do in the area than shop for parkas and rain boots.
The day before she moved in, Marybelle was sitting at the table on her laptop. A soft glow lit up her face as she clicked and typed. Everything was ready to go. All we had to do was wait for the movers to bring her things the next day. When I entered the kitchen, I smiled at Marybelle. It was odd how she felt so much like a mother to me already.
"Bella," Marybelle spoke softly. Her attention never left the screen of her laptop.
"Yeah?" I answered as I opened the door to the refrigerator.
"Have you and Charlie ever gone whale watching?"
Dumbfounded that we had such a thing in this area, I quickly stumbled to her side. On the screen was a website for a whale watching company based out of La Push. "No. I didn't even know we had whale watching."
"What do you say me, you, and your dad go the day after tomorrow?"
"I'm game. I'm sure Dad will be too!" I cheerfully exclaimed.
The ocean always captivated me. Calm washed over me when I listened to the waves crash. The constant movement and transformation of the salt water mirrored the side of me constantly being molded and altered by the trials and tribulations in my life. I connected with the ocean. Everything about the water, the sand, the life inside of it was an extension of my soul. I could not explain the ease I felt, but I accepted it.
A gust of wind blew my hair back from my face as I led Dad and Marybelle toward the small aquarium. Along with the wind came the thick scent of salt water and sand. If man could bottle that smell and sale it as a perfume, I would be the first in line to purchase it. The musky scent of nature reminded me all too much of Jacob. Would anything ever not remind me of him?
Thinking of Jake brought along pains and feelings that were stuffed so far back that I barely recognized them. They were still there, and every so often, they resurfaced. Just like this moment, this non-Jacob relating moment brought out every unwept tear. The only difference was that now I was angry. I was angry that he trusted Jessica over me. I was hurt that he felt her word was worth more than mine. The way I saw it was like this: if he thought I would lie to him about something as important as his mom, then he deserved someone like Jessica.
"There's nothing like the smell of salt water in the morning!" Dad spoke from behind me. As he stepped to my side, he squeezed my shoulder with one hand while the other held a hot cup of coffee. The scent of roasted coffee beans mixed with the scent of the water and sand. I had always loved the smell of coffee, but never the taste. Dad sipped his coffee and watched a flock of seagulls swirling around the shore line.
"I actually like the smell." I smiled at my now happy father. A soft touch settled on my shoulder. Turning toward the touch, I realized it was Marybelle. She rested her palm on top of Dad's hand. Warmth began in my chest and spread through my body at lightning speed. This was my family.
"Me too." Marybelle closed her eyes and let the wind blow across her beautiful face. I followed suit wanting to know just what it felt like to be completely carefree for a change.
"Okay. Who wants to buy tickets?" Dad pulled his hand from my shoulder and fished his wallet from his back pocket.
"I will!" I exclaimed. Grabbing the cash from Dad's hand, I quickly found my way into the small aquarium. While looking around for the ticket booth, I noticed a bright yellow sheet of paper on the wall.
VOLUNTEERS NEEDED!
Please see Manager for details.
As much as I loved spending time with Dad and Marybelle, I needed time for myself. I was a teenager after all. There was only so much I could handle being around adults before I was ready to burst. Volunteering sounded great. It could offer time with people I did not already know, and time away from my persistent reminders of Jacob. The aquarium was new, fresh, and catered to what little bit of interests I had.
"Can I help you?" A tiny, gray haired woman asked as I approached the ticket window.
"I need 3 tickets for the whale watching trip." I slid the money under the small half-crescent shaped opening. All the while, the tiny old lady clicked away on the mouse very carefully. I was amused by her caution of technology and silently wondered if she were one of those technology phobic people.
She slid the tickets out and thanked me for the support of the local community. "Is there anything else I can help you with?" Her small beady eyes looked away from the computer screen and to me.
"Yeah, actually, I saw the signs about volunteering. Who do I need to see about that?"
The little, old lady called for the manager. When he arrived, he explained the ins and outs of what volunteering at the aquarium would be like.
"Pretty much you would be keeping things clean, helping feed the fish, and little clerical work. It's a little bit of everything. If it sounds like something you would be interested in, then fill this out and bring it back to me." The man, who had introduced himself as Greg, handed me an application. "We're always happy to see locals interested in our community and the beauty of it all. Although, some of the things you may do aren't that pretty." He laughed a full and hearty laugh.
"Sounds great." I chewed on my bottom lip while glancing over the application. "My parents and I are going on the whale watching excursion, and well, I'll probably fill out the application on the way out."
"Great!" Greg was overly animated in his excitement. "That would be perfect, actually. We could go ahead and submit your background check, and get your paper work going. That way when Monday rolls around, you can come in after school and finish it up – as long as everything pans out."
"Monday is fine with me. Thanks so much!" I reached my hand out, and Greg firmly shook it.
"It's not a problem. Thank you."
I did just that. As the boat roared toward the notorious spots for whale watching, I sat on a bench, borrowed a pen from Dad, and filled out my application. It was reassuring. The simple act of following through with an interest felt like freedom had been handed to me on a silver platter. Watching the whales jump and swim through the icy cold water pressed my interest even further. My heart became overwhelmed with the beauty of the ocean, and the whole other world living just below the surface. It was a humbling experience, and one that I wanted to delve further into.
I turned in my application right after we docked. True to his word, Greg had the paper work ready to fill out on Monday afternoon. By Wednesday evening I was wearing a pair of goulashes, and carrying a bucket of smelly, raw fish to another volunteer waiting in the food preparation area.
As I pushed the metal double-swing door open, I was met with the familiar face of Angela Weber, the girl who confessed her hatred of Jessica to me in the restroom at school. Her being the other volunteer made me uneasy, and tempted me to drop the bucket of fish and walk out the door – never to see the inside of the aquarium again. However, that small hole-in-the-wall aquarium had become my place of sanctuary.
Dreading the possible conversation I would be forced to have with Angela, I sulked forward until I had reached the stainless steel island, where she stood cutting up all sorts of small fish. Nonchalantly, I sat the bucket on the counter and quickly searched for a knife. Maybe she wouldn't remember me?
"Oh. Bella, hi! Are you the new volunteer?" Angela, surprised by my presence, watched as I stuck my hand in the gooey, slippery bucket of dead fish and made a face. "Yeah. It's kinda gross. You get used to it."
I never answered her question as I was sure it was a rhetorical one. Just a few minutes after commenting on the grossness of dead fish, Angela asked. "What made you want to volunteer here?"
"I'm trying to broaden my horizons." I answered a bit nervous that she was actually asking me questions. I hoped, beyond all hope, that she was not digging for information.
"Oh." She nodded quietly and went back to slicing her bucket of fish.
All was quiet except for the slicing and squishing of knives cutting up fish. It stayed that way for a few hours until I slipped on a dead fish and fell flat on my ass. Angela tried hard not to laugh, but doubled over when a laugh busted out of my chest. That one little slip was all it took for Angela and me to become friends. I found out she no longer associated with Jessica, especially after she heard Jessica's true agenda with Jacob. It was nice to see one of the minions actually have feelings for something besides shopping and lip gloss.
The following Friday, Angela invited herself over for dinner. I complained to Marybelle, begging her to allow me to tell Angela no, but to no avail, I was stuck playing slumber party all night. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, and Marybelle's willingness to stick around helped. We talked about boys, and I spilled the beans on why my friendship with Jacob had fallen apart. Explaining it was hard. However, with Angela on one side and Marybelle on the other, it was easy to figure out that I would be okay.
"Bella, I don't mean to overstep or be mean or anything, but maybe you're better off without Jacob? I mean, you guys were so close that you never experienced anyone else but him. Doesn't that make you sad?" Angela played with the edge of my comforter.
I absorbed her statement. It was true. Jacob was all I lived for, and now, I was beginning to experience so much more than him. Maybe what happened was for the best.
Although Angela and I didn't hang out at school, it was becoming easier to be there. I no longer felt alone in crowded rooms. The Quileutes became a part of the rest of the student body instead of obstacles I had to overcome in-between classes. Hallways seemed shorter. Classrooms appeared bigger. High school had suddenly became bearable.
Embry was always around the corner, at the opposite end of the hall, or a few tables away. Every so often he would nod with a smirk before making his way to wherever it was he needed to be. My heart stammered knowing that no matter where I was Embry would always be just a few steps away. Would he ever be by my side?
It was the idea of him being next to me that had me calling his cell phone late that night. It was a Thursday before a football game. I knew he would not answer, and I think that was part of the reason I waited to call. When his voicemail picked up, I closed my eyes and spoke from my heart.
"Hey Em. I miss you. I wanted to thank you for being there for me. It must have been hard to listen to, but I was definitely glad you were there. I don't know what I would have done without you. It's funny. You've become so much to me in just a few months. I just wish you would talk to me, say hello in the hallway, instead of just walking by. I hope you know that I want you to be a part of my life, because well, I want you to be…."
An annoying beep interrupted my no-restraints speech. With a sigh, I hung up the phone. At least I had gotten most of my message across. All I had to do was wait for his reaction – if there even was one.
The next day I was a nervous wreck, and looked for Embry more than usual. Before lunch, he was nowhere to be found. His disappearance wracked my nerves until I realized that one of the most important games was just a few hours away. Coach Whitlock had probably pulled the players from morning classes to get in an extra practice. The benefits the football team got around play-offs was ridiculous. I looked around the cafeteria to find that all of the tall, bulky Quileutes were nowhere to be found. Their usual spots were empty, and the cafeteria seemed quieter than usual.
Like always, I waited until the last lunch bell rang before I headed out. On the way to my first afternoon class, I always stopped by my locker to grab my text book. Just as I rounded the corner of the hall, I saw a very sweaty Embry leaning against the wall. The first thing I noticed was how attractive he was with one foot propped against the wall and the other stiffly holding his weight. Secondly, the red basketball shorts he wore complimented the color of his beautiful, tanned skin. I cleared my throat as it started to tickle with the slightest bit of nerves.
When I reached my locker, I quickly flipped through the combination. Trying hard not to stare at him in awe, I concentrated on the titles of my textbooks. Biology was my next class, so I pulled the book titled "BIOLOGY" out and tucked it into my bag. I looked back into my locker again just to make sure I had not forgotten anything. As I shut it and turned in the direction of my class, I was pleasantly surprised to find Embry walking toward me.
"Hey." His eyes flirted with the collar of my flannel shirt.
To some, Embry may have only spoken casually to them, but to me, it was a milestone overcome. With that one little greeting, he let me know that he had gotten my message. A part of me screamed of success, because he was finally forgiving me. The other part of me worried that he had not stuck around to say much else. Either way, Embry knew how I felt. I suppose it was all left up to him now.
Biology was a giant mirage of Embry thoughts and the possible meanings behind his simple "hey". I even found myself scribbling his name and the word "hey" instead of taking notes. My daydreaming did not go unnoticed. Since I was a favorite of Mrs. Elker's, she kindly slipped me a copy of the day's notes on my way out of class.
Before Calculus, I needed to drop by my locker once again to pick up the required text. Even with the new found strength I had, it was still hard passing Jacob in the halls, especially when he was with Jessica. That day was no different.
In a circle between the men's and women's restrooms stood Jacob, Embry, Paul, Jared, Quil, Sam, and Emily. Leaning against the wall across from them was Leah, Seth, and a few random people I did not know very well. On Jacob's arm, like the leech that she was, was Jessica. Her perfect hair and teeth matched her perfectly fake laugh as she listened to Jacob tell whatever football practice story he had. Her interest in his story was as real as a unicorn. I rolled my eyes and tried to calm myself.
Quickly and with my head down, I walked past the group without so much of a whisper. Sooner or later they would forget I even existed. At least, I hoped they would.
"Bella." I heard my name, but kept my attention on the square tiles of the floor.
"Bella, wait up." Angela nervously called after me.
I stopped and turned to face her. She slid her purple cell phone in the pocket of her jeans and grabbed my elbow. "Wait here for just a second."
A chirping noise, which I thought was coming from Angela's phone, tore my attention back down the hall. Questioningly, I glanced from Angela's jean pocket to the source of the chirping – Jacob. Why did Angela want me to stop? And why was she texting Jacob?
Suddenly, my stomach clenched like someone had punched me in the abdomen. "Angela! What did you text to him?" I was worried, scared even, that she had sent Jacob something he did not need to know about. I clenched my hand around her wrist and squeezed tightly. All the while, butterflies made a mockery of my insides.
"Who texted you baby?" Jessica popped her chewing gum.
Jacob shrugged his shoulders and flipped open his phone. "I don't know."
"How do you not know?" Jessica laughed and pulled Jacob's arm until the screen of his phone was in her view.
He jerked his arm away. For a second, I smirked knowing had that been me, I would have been allowed to see whatever the message said.
"Can I at least know what it is?" She pouted like the spoiled brat she was. I rolled my eyes.
"It's a video." Jacob rolled his eyes too and pressed the buttons to view the video.
"Video?" I raised an eyebrow at Angela.
She looked over to me with apologetic eyes. "He needed to know."
That was all she said before turning around and walking away. The butterflies suddenly stopped flapping their wings and gathered in the pit of my stomach. My spit was thick. My heart raced.
The sounds of girls laughing ceased the talking of his friends. Jake nervously looked up with panic etched on his face. He smiled, but it was not a genuine one. Behind it lurked an extremely nervous boy.
"I told you guys. I don't have to worry about that." Jessica's chipmunk like voice screeched. "Jake is going all the way, and I'll be there with him."
"You're going to stay with him even after he leaves this awful town?" The voice I'd come to recognize as Lauren said.
"Well, no." Jessica snottily replied. "Why would I stay with him? He's just my out."
Someone gasped. Jacob stepped back while everyone else leaned in.
"Can't you go live with your Mom in Chicago instead?" Angela's voice leaked into the hall.
From the speaker of Jacob's cell phone came the not-so shocking truth. "I could, but Mom is engaged to some middle class jerk. He thinks I should have to work. And I tried to tell him that girls like me, well, we just don't work."
Jake dropped the phone. He stared at Jessica, who coldly leaned against the locker with a look of defeat on her face. The air surrounding him must have been different than the air I was breathing, because his chest heaved with gasps. His fists clenched at his sides, and his arms shook.
I wondered if everyone else saw what I was seeing. My gaze drifted from person to person. Their faces all stated the same thing: disbelief. But, it seemed that no one else noticed the pain etched into the lines of Jacob's face. They didn't see his nostrils flaring, or the way his usually bright eyes turned into tiny, dark slits. In effort to keep it all tucked inside, Jacob clenched his jaw. I imagined if I was standing any closer that the sound of his teeth grinding together would be as loud as the deafening silence.
"Do you love him?" Angela's voice rose from the phone.
"Eh." Jessica chirped. I looked toward her. She scrambled toward the floor trying her best to save what little bit of reputation she had. "No. I mean I tell him I do. He's a great lay and everything, but no. I don't love him. He's a reservation boy." Jessica spoke the last sentence with so much hatred that everyone took a step back. Their eyes all watching as she grabbed Jacob's phone and slammed it shut.
Softly she laughed. Jacob watched her act like it was all a joke. I recognized the hate looming in his eyes. It had been the same look he gave me in his garage.
"C'mon guys. This is a joke." Jessica smiled and flipped her hair back.
"Oh right. It's a joke. Us reservation boys don't understand them kinds of jokes. We only know the ones about scalpin' and white folk." Paul sarcastically replied with a growl.
I swallowed the laugh tickling in the back of my throat. Through the small space behind Paul, I could see Jacob. The fear and hate in his eyes blackened them. He squeezed his eyebrows together and bent his head forward. As if in that moment he realized I had told the truth, Jacob looked up. His eyes were no longer tiny, dark slits of themselves. They searched for me in the faceless crowd, and when they found mine, there was a silent plea begging me to save him.
Jacob's broad chest shook with each breath. His face contorted with every revelation. The silence was interrupted by the bell ringing. I had to get to class, but I was caught in his stare. I could not break it, and through it I could feel the pain rolling through him like thunder from a summer storm. He was humiliated, wronged, and broken.
It was hard for me to watch and not run to him. But, I remembered the way he talked to me. I remembered the hatred in his eyes. I remembered the denseness of his words. So, I walked away. It would hurt later. I would think about what I could have done to protect him, but I had to do what I thought was right.
Jacob was nowhere to be found the following days. He always seemed to be the first one in class and the last one to leave. On breaks and lunch, everyone asked where he was. Their stares were probably too much for him to take. Not that I blamed him for seeking a hide-out no one knew about.
I spent a lot of time wondering why I turned away from him. I asked myself why I never sought him out, why I never waited for him after class. The answer was always the dark look of his eyes and the despise in his voice as he told me I wasn't his friend anymore. Why would I offer friendship to someone who did not reciprocate?
A few days had passed since the fiasco in the hallway. And seemingly out of nowhere, Jacob reappeared.
'Can I see you? jake'
On the screen of my phone in black and white was the one question for which I had no answer.
How could I see him? How could I befriend him when he exiled me? Could I ever trust him again? Could I pretend everything was going to be alright? I knew damn well it wouldn't be. Acting as though his words stung less because I was suddenly trustworthy would not satisfy me; however, passing up a chance to explain it all would bother me for far longer than the hurt.
The look in his onyx eyes was one I would never forget, but I buried it in the furthest depths of my heart. That was where the rest of my memories of him were. I kept it all hidden for my sanity.
If I saw him, I would have to resist his flawless ability to wrap me around his finger. The conversation would have to be quick, and I would need to control it. I would have to stick to my guns no matter how much he begged – not that Jacob Black ever begged, but still it was a humoring idea.
'Where'
I did not bother with formalities. Jake knew who he was talking to, and he no longer reserved the right to call me Bells.
'Parking lot after practice. Jake'
Answering back would only initiate conversation. Casual conversation was on the not-to-do list, because I would forgive him. I would fall back into his embrace. The simple idea of becoming his friend again kept changing my mind. One minute I was going to go, and the next, I was not. It was a hard decision. A part of me wanted to run back to him, but the other part, a more dominant part, dangled his hurtful words in front of my face.
Twenty minutes after I was supposed to arrive, I slowly crept into the parking lot. The engine of my car roared loudly causing the few stranded football players to look directly at me. As much as I dreaded the drama about to happen, the one thing I hated more was attention. I lowered my head and anxiously searched for Jacob. In the corner of the parking lot, I spotted him. Jake paced back and forth between the tailgate and the opened driver's side door of his truck.
My chest started to burn. An ungodly amount of butterflies floated in my stomach. I felt hot and anxious. Sweat beaded on my brow as I pulled into the space next to him. When I stepped from the car and walked around to the passenger side, my windpipe constricted causing my breaths to come out in loud wheezes.
"Thought you weren't coming," Jake softly said while he shut the door to his truck. "I was about to leave."
The reverberation of his voice tingled against my skin.
"I'm sorry." He blurted out. His forehead wrinkled with worry and anxiety. Anxiously, Jacob flipped a piece of gum around with his tongue. His jaw flexed with every chew.
I didn't respond which seemed to feed his anxiety. His fingers shook wildly enough for his keys to clank together. Jake's chest halted. The creases on his forehead faded when he closed his eyes. As much as I wanted to feel the moment out, the hurt in my heart took over.
"Nice to know." I replied in a soft whisper. "Doesn't change anything."
"Please." Jake clenched his jaw tightly.
Moisture clung to the short strands of his black hair. His usually well kempt hair laid whichever way as if he had just run his fingers through it. Even if he was my enemy, Jacob was still beautiful. It didn't matter that his hair was half dried, not brushed, and sticking out wherever it wanted to. His beauty resonated from somewhere deep inside of him, someplace he kept secret from everyone else.
He must have showered, I thought.
"I…Bella…I should have…It's not what you…Will you…just… say…" As his dark eyes opened, my eyes diverted to the ground.
"What do you want me to say?" I was stern on the outside, but inside, I was falling apart.
"Anything." Jacob stepped forward. His right foot rested between both of mine. The sound of gum popping ricocheted in my ears. He was far too close. I took a step back, but was stopped by the hard metal of my car.
"I don't care what you say, Bella. Just say something, anything." Though his words were sharp, there was a pleading quality to them. My chest tightened and the burning doubled.
"What do you want from me?" I spoke restlessly and full of sorrow. Still refusing to look up, I studied the stitches of Jacob's sneakers.
As if the amount of space between us was the size of the Grand Canyon, Jacob leaned further into me. A spicy cinnamon scent suddenly hit my nostrils. It was then that I realized just how close he actually was. The heat from his breathe stung my skin with a plea.
"I'm beggin' you. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I will forever grovel at your feet if you tell me it's gonna be alright."
I thought for a split second. I could pretend like nothing ever happened. I could try to change everything, but would I really be changing anything? Jacob would, yet again, walk all over me. I would be his fall-back friend which was not good enough. Living life that way would be like walking around blind folded. The beauty of the world would be hidden by the fabric covering my eyes. Watching the orange and red sky during a sunset would be a distant memory. The dark blues and greens of the ocean would haunt my dreams. I would not be able to see the sweet grey eyes of happiness again. Life would be dulled down to Jacob, and that was no longer an option.
I knew it would hurt Jacob, but I had to. "I wish I could." Not willing to take the coward's way out, I turned my eyes to the extravagantly beautiful face of my ex-best friend. Shock flashed across his face. "But," I breathed, "I can't…tell you everything is going to be alright."
"Why?" The black abyss that had suddenly become his eyes flooded with fear and sadness, freezing the air in my lungs.
"Because it won't be, Jacob. I can't go on pretending that everything you do doesn't affect me. I can't help you now. I have to help myself. I need to live my life for me, not you. It's what I should have been doing all along. I was a good friend to you – a great friend to you – and look where that got me. I can't be your friend anymore." I replied quietly. The resemblance of words eerily shook my bones.
"Believe me, Bella, I am truly sorry. Listen..." His words were soft, exaggerated, and tempting, but I stood strong in front him with more pride in myself than I had ever had.
"Believe you?" I guffawed. "Why should I believe you when you didn't believe me? I tried to warn you, Jake, but as usual, you were a selfish asshole! And then what you said, God, what you said to me was so cold. Now the truth is out, and I'm supposed to forgive you?"
"Well, not just like that. I'll do anything! Just tell me what I have to do. I was wrong. You were right." There was a tenderness in his tone that almost took down my wall.
"This was your choice." The less I spoke - I found - the less amount of time I had to spend fighting against what my body felt was only natural. I wanted nothing more than to wrap him in my arms, kiss his cheek, and promise that I would save him from himself.
"I didn't…I…I…Bells. I don't know what I was thinking." Through thick tears, Jacob pleaded with me to not turn away. It was then that I took one final look at his decadent beauty. His plump lips glistened in the little bit of light coming from the lamp overhead, which casted dramatic shadows across his face. Resting on his cheek was one, single tear glowing in the lamplight. "Please forgive me."
"I'm sorry." I set my jaw, took a breath, and turned away, leaving in my dust the one person my heart would always ache for.
Passing days brought devastation, a rebirth of tears, and the dislike of myself. How could I hurt him? It made me no better than he was. Sure, Jacob may have ripped me apart, but I was not sure how I brought myself to his level or even why I had. Those thoughts clouded my mind every second of every day.
Often, I found myself wondering how he was holding up. The tear he let fall spoke a million words. Jacob rarely cried, and if he did, then it was because there was no holding it back. That one lonely tear brought about thousands of my own. Yet again, I found myself crying in a ball on my bed, missing my best friend, and wishing I had not made the decisions I already had.
Marybelle frequented my room. Her questions went unanswered as I fought with myself. One minute, it was all okay, and I made the right decisions. The next minute, I was a horrible person for hurting my best friend. She knew my tears had to do with Jacob, but I don't think she had the nerve to ask specifically what happened. Her soft, soothing touch drifted up and down my back, comforting me in ways my own mother had no idea how to do.
"I wish you would talk to me." Marybelle ran her fingernails up my spine. It shushed the depression for a few seconds. "I thought you had gotten over this mess."
My tears dried. I hatefully looked up to her. "I'll never get over him. He was my best friend! And I… I'm no better than he is." Wiping the back of my hand across my nose, I sniffed back a few sobs.
"You're just fine the way you are, Bella. I don't know exactly what happened, but I'm guessing he came running back to you, wanting to be your friend again. I don't know Jacob, but I imagine he's a great guy. Maybe a little confused, a little distraught, and a little messed up from all that's happened in his life. But, Bella, no man is worth tearing yourself apart over. There's no need to find yourself locked up in your room when he's out there doing whatever it is he's doing. Life moves on, sweetie! So should you."
Marybelle was right. Life was moving forward, and I could no longer be stuck in the past. That night, I made a pact with myself. I promised that I would never allow someone to become my whole life again. I wanted to live for me. I wanted to be who I portrayed myself as every day I had been without Jacob. The tricky part was proving that I, in fact, was a different Isabella Swan.
The days following my relapse of tears, I found peace in the crashing waves of First Beach. It may have been November, and winter was just around the corner, but even the cold wind gave me a sense of freedom. It was on First Beach that I began to follow-through with the pact I made.
Sand gritted between my fingers as I dug another handful and tossed it toward the ocean. For hours, I had sat there repeating the same motions over and over again. My brain was on fire with thoughts of yesterday, the day before, and the day before that.
The past week had been eventful. No matter how hard I tried, I still felt badly for what happened to Jacob. He was bound to find out sooner or later, but I never imagined it would be in a crowded hallway at school. Humiliation was written all over his face, and the look in his eye when he saw me standing across the hall was one I would never forget. Not only had he lost what he thought was true, but also was completely mortified in front of all his peers. Was it karma? Did that make me feel better about the entire situation?
No. It did not. What happened to Jake in front of everyone had nothing to do with us. Technically, I suppose it could have been, but mostly, I think it was about him being put in his place. Life showed him everything wasn't always what it seemed. Praying, dreaming, wishing – none of those actions would help. There was true evil in this world, and he had to face it head on.
However, karma did get back at Jake. I suppose, I got back at him too. Although at the time, the meaning behind my actions was not revenge. I had worked so hard to become my own person. I had pushed past our friendship and the restrictions it involved. I was free and secure. There was no way I would chance being hurt by him again. My heart would not allow it.
I felt bad for telling Jacob that a friendship was out of the question. I needed to stand up to him. He needed to see just how selfish he had been when he took away the one thing I cherished more than anything in the world – him.
Those things were neither here nor there. The feelings I had for Jacob would always be there, but I had to forget about them. If I didn't, then life would be miserable. Misery wore me down to the bone. Happiness was on the agenda. To be happy, I had to be without the true love of my best friend. My love for Jake would be the ghost of my heart.
Crashing waves and the whispers of people walking by kept me sane. The repetitive nature of the waves brought a reverence of simplicity. If only life were as easy as the crest of a wave, the fall of the rain, or the howling of a wolf, then simply believing in regrets, heartbreak, and disappointment would be punishable by law. As I watched the waves, my body began to rock in rhythm with the melody of the ocean. Slowly, all of my worries were set free and floated away like a feather in the wind. I was proud of myself. In just a few weeks, I had become Isabella Swan, lover of the ocean, life, and enemies. My soul had been cleansed, and I was exactly who I wanted to be.
"Hi." A voice drifted in the wind.
I turned around to be completely drawn back to reality.
"Hi!" I squeaked out. The smile creeping across my face suddenly became as bright as the sun.
"Can I?" He pointed his finger to the empty spot next to me.
I nodded. Where had he come from? Why was he here? How did he know where I would be? Those questions burned in my brain. It was nearly impossible for me to not ask them, but I found the strength to hold back. Bombarding him with needless questions may push him away again. His willing presence spoke for itself.
Not much was said. Silence filled the small gap between us. My heart pounded erratically in my chest. Excitement danced on my skin as goose bumps. I kept glancing at him from the corner of my eye just to make sure he was actually sitting next to me. Every glance rewarded me with his beautifully chiseled face, his shaggy black hair, and his enticing grey eyes casually watching the tide come in. I inhaled deeply, closed my eyes, and then exhaled. When I reopened my eyes, the softness of his stare settled upon my nervous one.
Embry spoke first. "It's good to see you."
"It's good to see you too." I replied. "What brings you here?"
Perhaps my question was too fast, too reckless, too casual, because his stare went from me to his feet. His shoulders shrugged, and he neatly wrapped his arms around his bent knees.
"I wanted to see you."
"Oh." Surprised he even answered, I pressed forward. "How'd…how'd you know I was here?"
"I stopped by your house on the way home from practice. Your dad's girlfriend told me you were here."
"Marybelle." I laughed. "She's great."
"Yeah. I like her. She talked my ear off for a while."
"What about?" I asked, puzzled and mortified by what Marybelle may have said.
"Whale watching." Embry smiled. His shoulders rose with every raspy chuckle leaving his chest.
Embry's carefree laugh spread from him to me. His smile was contagious, and soon I found myself smiling for no real reason. He made me happy. That simple thought pitted my heart against my brain, and my nerves returned as flightless butterflies in my stomach. To hide the shaking in my hands, I dropped them. My fingertips grazed the sand. Sketching lines and circles soothed my nerves.
"I heard what you said to Jake in the parking lot." Embry pointedly said.
"Oh, um, yeah." Not sure how to respond or what to say, I kept silent. That subject was a tough one for the both of us.
"Why'd you say all that?" The curiosity in his voice was thick, but the question made me nervous. I didn't want to talk about Jake with Embry.
"Em," I sighed, "I don't really want to talk about Jacob. That's all in the past. I'd much rather concentrate on my future and my happiness. You're here, and that's all I want to think about. I just want to be happy. You make me happy."
I tried hard to not be offensive or sound like a bitch. It was exactly how I felt, and it was all I wanted. A weight fell on my shoulders when Embry did not respond. The flightless butterflies in my stomach suddenly grew wings as Embry stood. I admitted defeat when he started to walk toward the water. But, when he stopped just a foot or so in front of me and reached his hand out, I froze. My heart thudded in my chest, and my lungs begged for air. Had I forgotten to breathe?
I watched his out stretched hand. I stared at it sure that it would dissipate, and I'd be left on the beach alone. However, when his fingers bent, and he motioned for me to give him my hand, I gave up on the idea of being lost somewhere inside my head. This was reality.
Reaching up, my hand gripped his as I stood. Tears stung in my eyes, but they were not tears of sadness or wishful thinking. These tears were happy tears. They were tears in honor of the amazing man standing in front of me, willing me to stand closer to him, and forgiving me for everything I had done. How did I get so lucky?
"I-I-I didn't mean to sound bitchy or mean. I'm just being honest. Sorry." I stuttered in hopes of saving what little bit of shame I had left.
Embry smiled, and his sugary sweet voice made my heart skip a beat. "What'd I tell you about apologizing for the truth?"
The memory of the bonfire, and Embry telling me to never apologize for speaking the truth, especially about Jessica Stanley, swarmed my brain and eased back the fear buzzing in my veins. "Not to?"
He nodded with a very Embry-like smile. It was one of those smiles that bled the sweetness of a warm home cooked meal and the delicate embrace of a loved one. Embry dropped my hand. I silently grumbled from the loss of contact, but retracted that grumble when his palms cupped my cheeks. Firmly, Embry tilted my head up until I had no other choice but to stare into his grey eyes.
"And never apologize for telling me that I make you happy."
His gaze held me hostage until the warmth of his lips pressed against mine. His kiss was carefully soft. It made my body tingle with sensations I had never felt before. The world around us slowly disappeared. All I could feel, hear, breathe, taste, and smell was him and his sweetness. There was no point in fighting as it all slowly fell in place. The ideas, the questions, the dreams – they all happened to bring me to the only chance at happiness I had: Embry Call.
Sorry that it took so long to update. I was ill for a while, and there was also that little tradition of the holidays. So, yeah. Here you go. Hope this makes up for it!
Big thanks to luvinj & kennedymommy3!