Taylex fanfiction Poprocks & Coke
Chapter 11: "Was It Worth It? Was It Perfect?"
Things appeared to be getting better. The late-night conversations were less and less upsetting, and hours shorter, so they were both getting more sleep. Though, one day, Tay called Alex, ashamed, because she felt close to relapsing.
"I want to cut myself." She admitted as soon as Alex answered. "I'm so sorry, but I'm depressed, and I don't know what to do 'cause I don't want to hurt you, but I want to hurt myself, and it's all so confusing…"
"Tay, Tay, sweetheart, calm down…" Alex's voice soothed her, and she became quiet. "Okay, Tay, I know it's been a long time, but has it really been that long that you've forgotten our protocol for times like this?"
"What protocol?" She asked. "Situations like this? What situation is this?"
"Wow… you honestly can't remember, can you?" He laughed, slightly. "The rule? The agreement? The game? No? Nothing?"
"No." Tay tried to make her voice neutral and not let her guilt shine through. Truth was, she didn't remember most of their late conversations, as, mostly, she fell asleep straight after them.
"Honestly? We did it every night, for, like, a month." Alex laughed suddenly, like the teenage boy he really was, as mature as he was the rest of the time. "That's what she said. But, seriously, three reasons why? Do you remember? Anything coming back to you yet?" Then it clicked.
"Oh, you mean that thing we did, where I listed three reasons why, and you named three reasons why not, and we debated," Tay put extra emphasis on the word 'debate', teasing that it was more than that, though they both knew it wasn't. "About it, you won, and then we forget it ever happened?"
"Yep, that's the one." Alex confirmed, a clear, laid-back tone in his voice. "Should I go first, or do you want to?"
"Is it really necessary?" Tay asked doubtfully, feeling embarrassed and not at all better.
"Yes, Taylor, it is necessary. D'you wanna know why? Because it fucking worked, okay?!" Alex sounded quite angry about it. "And I'm not letting you live under your delusions about how I hate you and you should just commit suicide because the world's better off without you for any longer than I can help. So…" Alex exhaled, and Tay realised he had said all that in one breath. She took a moment to appreciate just how much they loved each other.
"Okay." Tay's voice was barely a whisper, until she cleared her throat. "Shall I go first?"
"Yeah…" He laughed. "That's probably a good idea."
" Alright. So, one: The longer I live, the more I fuck up and ruin other people's fun and make them feel guilty when I get depressed." Tay told Alex. She knew that he was listening intently.
"Ooh, good one!" Alex joked. "Well , mine is: You're amazing, and everything you do is for someone else's happiness, and you should put yourself first more." Tay made unbelieving sound and Alex complained. "It's true!"
"No, it's not, but thanks, honey. Two: I've done… bad things, terrible things, and I deserve to be punished. Punishment being bleeding via razor blade."
"No!" Alex exclaimed. "No, no, no, Tay, seriously, don't talk like that. My number two: bad things are in the past, so why should you be punished now? And don't you think you've been punished enough, Miss I've-attempted-suicide-three-times-since-we-met? Why can't punishment be, like, writing lines, or detention, or something?"
"Because that isn't enough. And who'd be running detention? You?" Tay could imagine Alex smiling at that. Hell, even she had images in her head. And she liked them. "No, punishment has to last. I need to hurt, I need to feel. I'm so numb, Alex. Oh, and that brings me to three: You, Alex." Tay whined. "I am in no way good enough for you. At some point, I'm bound to hurt you, by hurting myself, maybe even tonight."
"And my number three: Me, Alex." He insisted, sounding pained. "I love you, Taylor, and I don't want you to hurt yourself. You say you want to hurt, but do you really value that above how much you don't want to hurt me? Think about it."
"I don't need to. I know that the relief that cutting gives me can in no way match the destroying feeling that I get from hurting you. I don't want to hurt you. I wouldn't ever hurt you, intentionally. I love you, too, Alex." Tay mumbled, sort of sadly.
"Don't hurt yourself then! Sweetheart, I mean it. You don't need cutting, or pain, or anything else. You have me for all that shit. You're perfect, okay?"
"Thanks, but you're the perfect one, honey."
The conversation moved on, to a long debate of low self-esteem and denial on both accounts, but Tay didn't even think about cutting again.