My day and night are all you
Without any space left you fill me up
All sounds of life seem like you
As I sit in the damn waiting room all I can think about is her. She's inside and I'm out here, unable to help her at all. Maybe I should have followed my sister to medical school... then I could know she is okay. It's been too long since I've seen her. My insides are spinning like a washing machine and all I can show is a cold exterior void of tears. The tabloids will say I'm an "uncaring husband to his injured soon-to-be wife" but they don't know how awful I feel. I should have stopped this- I should have protected her!
My hands are about to break from how tight they are clenched, my body full of tension. I wait for the damn doctor to come out of those doors so I can see her. I can't live without her. I won't.
I close my eyes and see her in my mind. Her laughter swirls around me, she is my music, my life. I've never know until now, just how embedded in me life she is. Her smile powering the sun. I can see her as she leans upon a tree, her melody spinning around us and I lay in her lap. I remember her eyes looking down on me as the camera clicks. She has to be okay.
Oh, god. I just want to hold her.
"Can you believe what they put it the magazines?" I ask her, calling from the bathroom as I wash up for the morning."Broadways Drama Queen's stalker is getting vengeful.' They act like it's a joke you're being stalked."
"Stop reading them! They just stress you out!" I hear her say back and I laugh.
"I would but it seems like they know more than the damn cops." She leans on the doorjamb to the bathroom, watching me clean up. "Maybe we should hire some security. Armed security."
"You're being paranoid-"
"Rachel!" Jesse emphasized. "A lunatic has tried to run you over with a car, stalked you to practice, threatened you with a knife, and this is our third move in 3 months because who knows why! I'm not paranoid- you're not cautious enough." I resume brushing me teeth as she walks toward the bedroom.
"He said it's because I denied his marriage proposal when my show came out." I sigh. This guy who had been outside her first show had proposed to her and I know she tried to joke it off, but when the article came out of our engagement, he showed up again. I didn't even know the guy. At first it was yelled criticisms like whore, slut, bitch, ect. But then it got stranger, strange yells from below our terrace, creeping on her Instagram and leaving really, really strange comments, even photo shopping photos of them together, trying to say she is a cheater...
"Jesse, I'm going to rehearsal!" Her voice echoes around the apartment.
I walk out of the bathroom, toothbrush in mouth and she laughs. We're so different now, I think. So normal than the dramatic couple at McKinley High. If that we could see us now...
"Do you want me to walk you out?" She smiles and shakes her head, pulling her coat on to beat the cold outside the door.
"I'll be okay, the cops said he was caught."
"You don't know that until you identify him, Rach." I worry about letting her leave alone, "just give me two seconds. Don't leave." I quickly wash out the toothpaste and grab a hat and a coat. The cameras would have a field day if they saw me actually looking normal. Rachel is still standing at the door, ready to go. I smile. "Let's go."
She opens the door, "you're being overly cautious. The guy is locked up."
"Oh well." I tell her and we head to the elevator, taking it all the way to the lobby so she can hail a cab. "If you walked to rehearsal, I'd follow you every day until it's proven the psycho bastard is locked away." She shakes her head at me, thinking I'm ridiculous.
The lobby is full of people going about their day and I am worried he is among them. Until the identification tomorrow, I can't stop the worry that he found her again already. We walk outside, hand in hand, and she smiles at me, pulling from me and I can't shake the feeling of dread. I want to take her back upstairs and just tell her to watch Funny Girl or something. Today is not a good day. I should pull her hand back, keep her close. I should-
"RACHEL!" I run. I can't see. I fall. I saw her, she stepped down to hail the cab and then- I never saw the plate of his licenses, all I saw was Rachel flying, all I heard was the skid of the tires, all I felt was my heart being ripped from my body as I lurched from my place and ran like hell to her even though she was so close. I fumble for my cell phone, I can't see! I can't do anything. I say her name again and again, shock consuming me. Sound is empty, her hair is wet, my fingers fumble, she gasps for air...
I shake my head; knocking my memories and thoughts doctor comes out and Rachel's name is no longer on the surgery screen. Trying to be as calm as possible, I stand in front of him, hearing the news but all I can see is his scrubs with blood, his clipboard in his hands, which were clean. .
He told me she was recovering, in the ICU. This passing night would tell if she would survive, the next hours were the most critical. Worst was that I couldn't see her, not yet. He told me to go home and wash up and when I came back, she should be in her room in the ICU.
"How long will she be there?" It's the question I choose to ask and I don' even know how I managed that.
"Until we determine that she can be moved to a regular room." I don't ask for specifics, I'm not my sister- I wouldn't even begin to understand them. The doctor takes his leave to change out of the scrubs. My ears are ringing, my eyes are tearing up, I feel my body start shaking.
I saw her wavy chocolate hair flowing everywhere; it was so long because she was growing it out for a role. Her skin was pale and pasty white on the dark concrete of the road. I started to cry. She was locked in there and under such surveillance, I couldn't even go in to be with her.
I walk into the entry way. We'll have to move again. I look around, most things are in boxes, still, anyway.
Everything I do seems careful and quiet. Should I be screaming and yelling? Why am I not raging, screaming at the cops for locking up the wrong guy? I look around the kitchen, pans barely out of the bubble wrap.
I broke then, nothing could comfort me. I screamed out fell to the ground. Why her? Why now? I collapse in the middle of the room, bawling my eyes out. Is this what you want? I screamed up at god or whoever was there to hear me. You want me to suffer so you take my most valuable thing? You want me to die from the pain? You want her to lull you to sleep with her voice from the angles? I screamed some more.
"YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!" I yelled out loud, towards whoever was there. "She promised, she promised me, she said it . . . DON'T TAKE HER FROM ME! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!" I yell louder making sure whoever controls our fates hear me.
I fall in on myself. This won't do anything- Rachel won't be okay if I scream. The door beeps and I turn around. Blaine stands there, his hands shoved in his pockets. "She isn't gone yet." He says, walking over to me and hauling me to my feet, "She'll be home soon, she wouldn't leave you alone. You wouldn't survive." He tries calming me but I still want rage.
She survived the night. All my screaming was for nothing. "Oh god." I turn around and see her lips move, her hand coming to rest on her forehead. She's groggy from the medicine and pain, as the nurses said she would be. "Hurts me." I smile, she's awake. I sit next to her and pull her arm back down slowly, laying it at her side.
"If you move like that, you're going to be hurt." I smooth her hair down.
"That feels good." I hear her mumbled. I want to dance and sing. This joy can never be measured. I kiss her forehead.
"I'll be right back." I run to get the nurses and they come in to check things and do nurse stuff.
She doesn't wake up fully. Not for another day and then they move her to a regular room. Her stalker was arrested for attempted murder and a hit-and-run. He fully confessed and many witnesses ID'ed him.
I sit in her room as she talks to me, holding my hand and also looking at a menu in front of her, asking me to buy her take out. "Rachel?" She looks away from the takeout menu and looks at me. "Let's get married soon, okay?" Her hand tightens in mine. "As soon as the cast come off, deal?"
"Deal."