CHAPTER 11

Decision

Sadness was eating him up, every day a little more. He missed Dean so much that it hurt and there was nothing he could do to distract himself from the pain. Slowly, Castiel realized that this was his punishment: live through the pain and suffer. Disobedience would not be forgiven and he would live as an outcast for the rest of his angelic life if he didn't find a way out of Heaven to be with the one he loved so much. Today he had chosen to enter the dream of a girl who had been killed before her fifteenth birthday. Though her death had been tragic and sad, she was still happy and had created herself a heaven that Castiel liked to visit as well. His naked feet were standing on fine, golden sand and the sun was shining brightly, illuminating the waves that rolled ashore, making them glitter like liquid diamonds. The girl was surfing on the huge waves, laughing when she fell into the water, getting up every time, grabbing the board to try again and again. Sometimes she would sit near the palm trees that weren't far away to stare out over the ocean while enjoying the screams of the seagulls.

It was peaceful, yet so disturbing that a young human like her had the ability to be happy with such simple things. She had been wiser than other girls her age and Castiel admired that in her. He watched her blond hair glow in the sun as another wave caught her surfboard and made her fall, laughter ringing in his ears, reminding him that sadness wasn't the only feeling in this world. Maybe someday he would be able to visit Dean's Heaven, too, and if he had any luck, he would not be invisible to Dean like he was to most of the other humans in their Heavens. Otherwise he could just be there and watch his love, hoping that his Heaven would be a nice place that would warm Dean's dead soul. A lot of time would pass until he saw him again and the thought made him sad again.

"Hello, my raven brother." Gabriel's voice greeted him and Castiel turned around with a fond smile on his face. He was glad that at least one of his brothers didn't just regard him as a traitor but as an angel, still. The archangel was beaming at him, his wings fluttering as if he was excited. It was highly unusual, Castiel had never seen him this way before.

"Are you up to something?" Castiel asked suspiciously, watching as Gabriel walked around the shore, his feet in the water, enjoying the cool touch of the waves.

"Yes, Castiel, I am. And You will be involved. If you want to, that is." The seraph stepped closer to the other man, not knowing what he was talking about.

"Will I get back to duty?" He asked, his voice full of hope. If he had something to do it would distract him from all the pain in his chest. Gabriel shook his head no, honey colored hair flying around his head.

"Well, we could arrange that if you want to but what I will offer you is better than that." Now, Castiel's heart began to hammer in his chest, maybe Gabriel had found a way out of Heaven for him or made the other angels understand. Maybe he would see Dean again, soon.

"Talk, brother, I am curious." Castiel urged, making the other smile warmly.

"For every Righteous Soul there is another soul that can heal the righteous one when it hurts. It is like a backup if something happens to make the Righteous Man stumble and fall, so that we have a chance to put everything back in order and the balance will not be disturbed. I found the one soul who can cure Dean, who can make him live happy again so that he will still be the Righteous Man until the day he dies and another one is chosen." Castiel took a deep breath. He would love to know Dean was happy again but the thought that another one was with him made him see red. No other man or woman should touch him or kiss him, no other being should be allowed to hold him like Castiel had done. With another heavy sigh he cleared his mind. He wasn't there to love Dean, he wasn't there to cure his soul and if another person meant happiness for the Righteous Man he had to accept this. And Dean's happiness was all that mattered, at least that was what he told himself even though every fiber of his being was screaming at him that Dean was his!

"If this means that Dean is happy, help him find this soul." The seraph bit out through gritted teeth, something within him breaking when he spoke those words. Giving Dean over to some other person wasn't easy for him but he loved him, so why did it hurt him so much? Gabriel's smile went wider and he stepped closer to Castiel, making him look up into brown eyes that held mischief but also warmth and love for his fallen brother.

"I speak of you, Castiel. You are the only one who can hold the Righteous Man together, if he has you, nothing will happen and the balance will not be disturbed." The archangel watched a tear fall from those blue eyes without Castiel even noticing it.

"Does it mean that I can – I can be with him?" His voice broke somewhere during the question, getting rougher than usual. Gabriel held up a finger into his face.

"There is a price to pay, dear raven."

"Everything."

"I have been to earth to meet Dean. He truly loves you, though I cannot see what you see in him. His soul is pure but getting darker with every second that passes because he misses you. If you think that he is worth the price you will have to pay I can arrange to get you back down to him" The words made Castiel shiver, he wanted to get to his human and hold him and being so close to being granted the opportunity made him more than exited.

"Tell me what you want. I will pay." Castiel said and Gabriel's gaze turned softer.

"You two are truly meant for each other…" He said. "I talked to Michael and Uriel about it all. You cannot go back to earth because Hell could send a demon if we send an angel. We would be where we were before. If you become human, it wouldn't matter and the Righteous Man wouldn't be in constant danger. I can take your grace and you will be a human without it. Your wings will be gone and you cannot come to Heaven ever again." Gabriel offered, curious if Castiel would accept the offer.

"Take my grace. I don't care, I just want Dean."

Are you sure about it? Your life as you know it…" Gabriel made a move with his hand that included all of Heaven and the angels – Castiel's brothers and sisters, his family.

"I just want to be with him. Take my grace and send me back to him. Please Gabriel, do it." Castiel had never been so sure of any other decision in his life. What did he care about his wings or his powers or Heaven or the angels if he was the one who could safe Dean from becoming all bitter, from falling. "What do I have to do?"

"Nothing. Just stand still so I can take your grace." Gabriel said. Castiel could hear that sadness was laced into his brothers voice and for a second he got sad as well. Gabriel had been nice to him, they had been close since Castiel had been created but his heart wanted Dean and he couldn't deny it. Knowing that the archangel would never have offered this to him if he wasn't sure about this as well, he nodded and let Gabriel place a hand above his heart. "I will miss you, Castiel." He said smiling. "I hope you will be happy with Dean. Goodbye, brother."

"Thank you, Gabriel." Castiel whispered and watched as blue light drifted out of his body into Gabriel's hand. They looked at each other for a while, until Castiel felt his powers getting weaker and his wings withered and vanished completely. It didn't hurt and he was glad that the obvious mark of his shame was gone. When the last feather fell to the ground and was washed away by the waves, the former seraph felt his vision go blank and he fell.

TBC

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