Returning

Sitting on the side of the mountain, I stared south, trying to build my courage for the hard journey I was planning. My tremors had finally died, and I was no longer in physical pain. I was thirsty, yes – of course – but that was an ache I was used to. I knew that I would feel thirsty for eternity, and paid the dry burning no attention.

Though my physical pain had ended, I knew that I had yet to face another type of pain, one for which I was not yet ready. The damage I had done to myself was less to my body than it was to my state of mind, and the emotional pain I was bound to experience was something I wasn't prepared to face alone.

What I would do if my parents refused to accept a murderer back into their lives, I wasn't sure. I couldn't blame them if they chose to turn me away. At least I would see them again, tell them I was sorry for what I had done to them. If they sent me away afterward, I would simply have to accept that as the consequences of my actions.

First, though, I would have to make my way to the island where my hopes rested.

There were times when I was grateful for vampire recall. I could see clearly the images of the maps that Carlisle, Esme, and I had contemplated when we had planned on running south. My journey would be very much like traveling with a newborn, only there would be no one to tackle me and bring me back to reason should I scent a human. The thought of accidentally killing one terrified me. The idea of remaining in the safe, familiar mountain range for eternity was tempting.

Maybe I should do just that. Carlisle and Esme were bound to return someday, right?

Coward, I scoffed.

Regardless, I had no guarantee that remaining where I was would keep me away from human contact. Humans hunted in these mountains, too. No, I needed to get to a place where I could be certain that I would not come into contact with a human. And that meant Isle Esme.

I thought my best choice might be the same one I had used to hide myself from Carlisle. The rivers. I wouldn't be able to smell any humans from under water. The problem was, humans liked to build cities along the waterways, and I knew from my newborn days, that just hearing their thoughts could be almost as bad as smelling them.

However, not only would the water hide the scent of humans from me, it would hide my scent from the vampires which I knew lived and warred in the south. It would be nearly as difficult keeping myself from being killed as it would be to keep myself from killing. Either way, there were no rivers that ran the entire length, so I would have to find a way to cross the land without relying on water for protection.

Scared and indecisive, I sat on the mountain and didn't move, not even bothering to blink or breathe.

My still form blended into the scenery, and once I was no longer scaring the wildlife away with my screams, I was just one rock among many. I hadn't killed since the wolf, and when I saw a lion slinking across my field of vision, I didn't bother trying to resist the desire to fling myself at the beast. The deer had been disgusting. The wolf had tasted better, but only marginally. I was worried that no animal would ever taste good to me again. More than that, I worried that my body would still try to reject the animal blood.

Holding the young beast in my arms, I closed my eyes and inhaled the once familiar aroma of my favorite prey. He spat and scratched at me, writhing in my grip, but I ignored his efforts to free himself as I ran my nose through the fur on his neck. Tracing the vein there, I listened to the sound of his pounding heart, and felt his warmth. Gratefully tasting a trickle of venom, I sank my teeth into his neck, and nearly wept with relief at the taste of his blood. Nowhere near as good as human, he was still delicious, and I took my time, savoring the once familiar flavor.

I dropped his corpse, and sighed in pleasure at the slowly spreading warmth. Though this one had delivered himself to me, I was an animal hunter again! Even better, he'd been tasty, and I didn't feel like I would vomit. Grinning, I prowled the forest, finding and drinking another wolf – the second was much better than the first had been – and another deer. Though she didn't seem disgusting, exactly, she was just as flavorless as ever, and I thought I should stick to predators for the time being. I topped off my hunt with a young black bear, who tasted nearly as good as the lion had.

Quite full, the dry ache in my throat barely registering, I began my run home. It took me over a week to cross Minnesota, South Dakota, and Wyoming before reaching Colorado and the river for which I'd been heading. I'd kept my mind open the whole way, in fear of running across a human. Following Esme's example, I didn't breathe, not even bothering to hunt. The first part of my journey was the hardest, as Minnesota had more humans than the other three states combined, but I stuck to the mountains, and went slow. Travel at night was easier, as I was able to use the glow of the cities to avoid getting close.

Still, though I avoided the cities, there were individual houses scattered about and I was a threat to each and every inhabitant whose thoughts I could hear. The times I'd become aware of another's thoughts intruding on my own, I'd backtracked quickly, closing my mind to them in the way I'd begun doing in the cities over the past year. Though the monster within me fought against my control, I kept Carlisle and Esme's faces firmly in my thoughts, and did not allow myself to even consider drinking the humans. I was done with that life, and determined to live as Carlisle had taught me. Once I reached the more sparsely populated states, I sprinted at my full speed, knowing there would be very few humans in my way. If I ran fast enough, I'd be past them before I could be tempted.

The further south I traveled, the more nervous I became. As far west as I was, there weren't many large cities, even by the rivers, but I had no idea what the southern covens really considered to be their territory. I only knew that if I was caught intruding upon it, I would not live to tell anyone about it. The coven wars weren't about land exactly, but rather, they were about hunting grounds, and I was already avoiding the cities where their prey lived. Well, hunting grounds and vengeance. The loss of a mate was not something that our kind ever got over, and the war had caused many deaths. Except for missing my parents, I was, for once, grateful for my solitary existence. I would never have to experience the pain of the loss of a mate if I never had one to lose.

I was a much faster runner than I was a swimmer, and I was anxious for the trip to be over, even though I had only just started. Traveling among the various northern cities I'd hunted in for four years, I'd never once worried about my safety. Even when deciding to leave a city after coming across the scent of another vampire, I hadn't worried that I would be killed. I never got close enough to hear their minds, and I was sure that by the time they smelled me, I was already in the next town.

Now, running across the southern plains, I was skittish, constantly expecting to see an army rise up in front of me, despite the lack of nearby prey. Unable to decide between speed and stealth, I kept wavering between the two options. Deciding I was better off running through the open plains than swimming so close to any populated areas, I made it nearly to the border between Texas and Mexico before I scented them. Vampires. More than one. Many more. I smelled their trail carefully. It wasn't exactly fresh, perhaps a day old. That didn't make me want to stick around, though.

Moving more slowly, lest I come across them too fast for me to avoid, I crept south, listening as far as I could stretch with my gift. Gratefully hearing only silence, it was all I could do not to give in to my panic and run back north. Their scent was all over, and I had no other choices but to follow them or go back north and give up on ever finding my parents.

A gust of wind brought a new scent to me, one I was unfamiliar with. It was horrible and toxic, an icy stench that burned my nose. Cresting a low hill, I saw a column of smoke, and identified it as the source of the burning I smelled, but the smoke was an odd, unnaturally purple color.

Curiosity warred with caution and won, and I crept slowly closer until I caught the minds I'd been listening for.

…get every piece…

…only counting twelve… where're the others?

…should be one more at least…

…bastard took off with my arm!

...well, where'dya kill 'im, after?

...didn't... coward ran off...

...where'dya see 'im last, then...

...Here!

...shitoutta luck brother...

...otta keep better tracka yer limbs, slacker...

...break it up, boys. Save the fighting for the enemies, or you'll find yourselves missing more than an arm.

...All the arms we found are in that pile...

...Wait! Don't burn 'em, yet…

I could see through their eyes, and the scene was horrifying. I was witnessing the aftermath of what had apparently been a battle between two vampire armies. Bits and pieces of vampires were twitching on the ground, a pile of heads were moving their mouths without making any sounds, and a couple of vampires were snarling at each other. They crouched down and circled each other until one of the others shoved them apart. I saw one of them spy his missing arm as it crawled toward him across the ground. He reattached the twitching thing, and I watched, horrified and fascinated as he regained control of the limb, moving his fingers experimentally.

My entire body seemed to be aching and stinging. An unpleasant warmth, quite different from what I felt after drinking, was spreading through my torso and down my legs. Deciding I'd seen more than enough, I backed away, carefully listening for any minds that were not gathered around the pile of burning limbs.

Once I'd gained enough distance, I continued my sprint south, reaching the river that separated Texas from Mexico at last. Without hesitating, I dove in. I'd discarded my shoes long ago, having run holes through them in the first two days. I knew that by using the river instead of going across the land that I was adding extra miles, but knowing the distance I was already going to have to travel, I considered the trade off of not running across more of the southerners more than worth the extra time.

I stayed in the river, only leaving it to skirt a couple of dams and the larger cities that lay along it. The blood that was in those cities called to me, and the red-eyed monster fought against my control, but I resisted the temptation, far more concerned with the covens whom I knew claimed the cities than with the humans I no longer wanted to kill. I spent those few times I left the water on constant alert for the scent of more southerners, but I only came across old trails.

The Rio Grande emptied into the Gulf of Mexico, but I didn't follow it all the way to the coast. The humans liked to live along the shores, and there were too many humans for my comfort living by the delta. Though Esme had not liked the idea of swimming to Brazil so many years earlier, she hadn't seen the aftermath of a battle of vampires such as I recently had. Nor had she been as concerned with accidentally killing any innocent humans, trusting Carlisle and myself to stop her.

Considering what few options were available to me, I thought the coastal waters were the preferable way to travel and headed for an unoccupied stretch of beach. My entire being was focused only on reaching my destination. I swam along what humans would likely consider to be beautiful beaches, but I was oblivious to the sights. Miles out to sea, far enough not to hear any minds, but close enough to follow the coast, the only things I wanted to see were my parent's faces, to look into their golden eyes once again.

There were many miles of forests along the coast, and I struck back inland several times to hunt, finding the panthers that I caught to be as tasty as the lion had been. When the coastline began a sharp veer toward the east, I decided to cut across the narrow strip of land and follow the western edge of Central America the rest of the way to South America. The short run was uneventful, for which I was grateful. My one encounter with a vampire army was enough to last me for the rest of my life.

Finally reaching the southern continent, I took off inland, keeping my southeasterly path toward island that lay off the Brazilian coast. The going was slow, due to the thick jungle growth and the occasional tribes of innocent humans that lay in my path. However, the animals were plentiful and varied, with even the peaceful herbivores having a distinct and unusual flavor.

Two months after running away from the priest who had nearly been my first innocent victim, I stood on the shore just east of the growing city of Rio de Janeiro. I was used to navigating to the island using the ship's compass. Swimming along the coast had been easy; the land itself had been my guide. Swimming out to sea, where the shifting currents could alter my direction was another matter, and I sat on the beach, staring out to sea for hours, worrying.

The southern sky was different than the north's. I had spent my nights over the past years not looking skyward, intent only on finding humans to drink. However, during my time with my parents on our island, we had spent many nights watching the unfamiliar stars until I knew the southern constellations as well as the northern ones.

Gathering my courage, I reminded myself that I was immortal, and being swept out to sea would only be annoying, not deadly. If I lost my way, I'd just have to try again. As soon as the sun set and the stars that formed the constellation Crux began to twinkle, I strode into the ocean. Swimming on my back out to sea, I let the stars show me the way home.

When at last I stood in the sand on Isle Esme, I could have wept with joy. I was home. I thought I might be content to spend the rest of my eternity on the island where my parents had said their vows of eternal love for each other, where the boy I had once been had helped them to build a home.

I watched the sun rise, and smelled the familiar scents of the island: the salty tang of the ocean, the contrasting fresh water from the many falls and spring-fed pools, the sweet scent of growing and rotting fruit, and so many different types of flowers. Since Esme had spent months here as a newborn, we had stocked the island with peccary, an animal very similar in appearance to - if somewhat smaller than - wild boar that was native to the jungle around Rio, and which had been easy to import. They were an interesting flavor mixture of predator and prey. Though not exactly vicious, they could be ferocious and potentially deadly if a human were to harass them. They lived on the plethora of fruits and vegetables that were native to our island, and I could smell them, too, on the breeze.

Except for when I went hunting for the peccary – which was less like hunting than simply strolling into the forest to find a meal – I stood by the ocean, listening to the rhythmic waves. The sound was cleansing, healing. The ocean waters were the blood of the Earth, and the waves were the sound of her pulse, driven by her breaths of wind and the pull of the moon. I refused to allow myself to think on my past four years and all of the human blood I had drunk, or what I would say to my parents when they arrived. That they may never return was something I also refused to consider. They had to come back!

Carlisle and Esme's faces were constantly on my mind. I missed his smile. I missed her laugh. I only pictured the memory of their happy faces, and was completely unprepared for the image of Carlisle's unhappy face presenting itself to me. His forehead was creased in a frown, and his mouth was tight and drawn down at the corners.

"…why you keep coming here, Carlisle. It doesn't feel right."

Gasping, I was stunned to hear my mother's voice. It was low and disapproving, unlike the sweet trilling laughter I usually imagined.

I saw his face turn to look at me, and saw Esme's eyes staring back. Holding myself rigid, I realized they were here! Fear took me, and I nearly sprinted into the ocean. I knew only too well that my eyes would betray me. I'd seen their toxic orange color when I'd gazed into the still pools, washing off the blood of my prey. I was glad that at least they were no longer the vivid red of a human hunter, but I knew that they would know that I had been one.

"Nothing feels right," he muttered.

"Coming here won't help you," she insisted.

"Well what do you suggest? That I pretend to be happy? You know me too well to be fooled, Esme."

I saw the image of their boat as he stepped onto the dock we had built. It wasn't our sailboat as I would have expected. Surely this dinghy had traveled no further than from Rio to the island.

"I'm worried about what coming here again will do to you, Carlisle. I know only too well what it is like to lose a child."

"I know you do, dearest." I saw him pull her against his frame. "You have lost a son as well."

"I've lost two sons."

He sighed. "I can't explain it, Esme, but I can't deny it, either. The island calls to me. When we're here, I can almost imagine that he never left."

I watched through my mother's eyes as he released her, and walked up the path toward the house we'd built.

"But he did. You need to face the fact that you may never see him again."

"No! I refuse to believe that!"

"You're in denial, Carlisle. You're a doctor; surely you can diagnose yourself, too."

"Esme, I spent over a century traveling. I met other vampires many times. Often we would run into each other hundreds of miles away from where we had last met. I can't believe that we'll never see him again. It's just not possible."

"I understand why you think so, really I do! And I have no problem with continuing to travel if that's what you need. But not here!"

He stopped walking and turned around to stare at her. I could see his surprise at her angry tone.

"I'm hurting you, aren't I?"

She hurried to wrap her arms around his waist. "Never," she said, fervently.

"But coming here is," he insisted.

She didn't deny it.

"It's only that… I feel so close to him here."

"That's the problem," she whispered.

"It feels like he's not gone when we're here. Like he's just visiting the city and will be back soon, bursting with excitement and stories of the things he'd seen." He laughed softly, and I closed my eyes at the pain I knew my absence had caused him. "I almost expect him to be in the house, waiting for us. I can smell him in the lilacs you planted." He reached for one of the flowers she'd lined the path with. "In the scent of the sun." He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, inhaling the very scents he was describing to her. He opened them to look into hers with an expression of astonishment. "Honey."

"What?"

"I can smell him here."

"Yes, you were just saying that."

"No! I mean, I can smell him. Here!" EDWARD?!

EDWARD?! she echoed.

He sprinted up the path toward the house we'd built, but I hadn't gone in. It had felt wrong, somehow. However, I had gone to stand near it, to look at the house I had helped to build, and to touch the walls, and he could smell me there, too. Esme was by his side instantly, a look of excitement on her face that matched his own. Following my trail, they ran around the house toward the beach.

I couldn't move, though my muscles trembled with conflicting desires. I wanted to run to meet them. I wanted to run into the water and swim away before they could see what I had become. Fighting both of those needs, I stood completely still, not even breathing, a marble statue on the beach, with my back to the island, my face toward the ocean, and my eyes closed, watching through theirs as they burst from the jungle onto the sandy shore.

They stood still for only a moment before Esme moved to run to me, but Carlisle reached for her, stopping her from coming to me. I saw myself in his mind and I looked awful. The pants I was wearing had once been part of a fine suit, but my journey had torn them to shreds. They were now a ragged pair of shorts. I'd discarded my shirt somewhere off the coast of Central America – the rag had been doing me no good. My shoes were long gone, my socks as well, and my hair was a tangled mess. Standing on the beach in the sunlight, my skin sparkled so brightly that I looked like I was on fire.

Carlisle took in my rigid frame, knowing that I knew they were there. Slowly, he gripped Esme's hand and walked toward me, stopping only a few feet behind me. I had missed them so much! I had grown so used to the empty hole inside of me that I hadn't even realized what I'd been missing until suddenly I wasn't. In that moment, I had a glimpse of what it must feel like to lose a mate. My love for my parents overflowed, and I was filled with joy at their presence, and terror that they would turn me away.