Dinner and a Show

"Lapis... What are you wearing?"

"Lazuli got it for me. I'm a cowboy now. Ya like it?"

... I mean I didn't dislike it. The rhinestone cowboy look suited him... Glen Campbell would be proud, but I know a custom fit when I see one. In hindsight, giving a 15 year old access to millions was... Not my best idea, buuuut I can't really fault her taste. The black and red really worked well together.

"Where is she anyway?"

"I dunno... Mars I think."

"Pardon?"

"Something like that anyway. She specifically said she wanted to test her skills against another species." Said Lapis with a shrug.

"So like... Training?"

"No, she specifically said it had nothing to do with training."

"Then what skill is she testing?"

"Green and red do not go together outside of very specific holidays."

"Young lady, I am a green martian and we cannot change the color of the soil."

"Never got around to inventing dye huh. How did your species manage?"

"Your constant tone of indifference and contempt is noted, but we are capable of shapeshifting, dye is an irrelevant invention for us."

"Well objectively everything is irrelevant, maybe we should all just stop breathing so the universe can get on with inevitable entropy."

"...I can't tell if you are joking or not."

"Sorry, I suppose it's my fault for thinking a planet as dry as this would appreciate my own brand of humor."

"... If J'onn has to deal with creatures such as yourself I can't imagine why would he want to stay on your planet."

"I couldn't possibly imagine why either, with lush rain forests, snow-capped mountains, and sparkling oceans the view on Earth is so much worse than the gorgeous barren wastelands of Mars."

*Groans*

"Your guess is as good as mine man." Said Lapis with an indifferent shrug.

I'm starting to wonder if them being in my head might have effected them... Or seeing that crazy shit after I shoved the Helmet of Fate on Klarion.

Oh well, they seem to have adjusted fine.

"Well, how's the new guitar?"

"It's the shit. It won't summon demons or anything, but it gets the job done."

That was nice to hear.

"So any plans for today?" I asked.

"Not really, no."

Hmmmm.

"When Lazuli gets back from her... Whatever I think we'll go on a trip or something. Not like we actually do anything around here anyway."

"What about that whole teacher thing?"

"Not... Quite sure about that one to be honest with you. Near as I can tell, the League knows no one who used Ki or Chi or whatever they call it. I think we're just here so they can keep an eye on us."

"So like... Babysitting? Whats the wor..." Before Lapis could finish those most foolish of words my bug hand clamped around his mouth.

He stared back at me with a raised bow. I decided to enlighten hin to his almost mistake.

"Do not say those words, do not even think those words. Nothing good comes to those who speaks to the universe with pride they ought not to have."

I remove my hand, to his utter confusion.

"Never invoke a literary convention. Ever."

"Alright. If you say so bro."

I nodded, satisfied with averting potential disaster.

"Recognized Guest A03 Lazuli."

Lazuli stepped right on in from the Twilight Zone. I eyed the teleportation machine suspiciously. I'm on to you Computer Voice. I know you're planning something.

Lazuli took a seat near Lapis with her arms crossed and her face blank. Well it was always blank but it was especially blank now.

"So how was Mars?" I asked.

"Dry, red, dusty, and highly entertaining."

"Neat, I wanna go." Said Lapis.

"Oh, also I've been banned for the foreseeable future."

"Ah, now that's the sister I know and love." I said happily.

"Why?" Asked Lapis.

"Something, Something, Something. I don't know. I used up my snark quota. When's lunch?"

"I dunno. Wanna go out? My treat."

"Sounds cool to me." Said the precious Lapis.

"Sure."

"Awesome it'll be fun. A sibling outing to get to know each other. Brilliant plan, way to go me." I said with a smile.

"I wouldn't go patting myself on the back just yet. Knowing you something stupid will ruin everything... Oh look, new snark quota came in." Deadpanned Lazuli.

It was an upper class establishment. It was so fancy in it's ostentatiousness that the violinists from Titanic were playing music in the corner. Which was nice.

"Table for three." I said to the matradee.

"Do you have..."

And there it is. The 'Is that a bugman' look. He only just looked up from his book... List... Thing. Thats fine, I knew how to deal with this.

"No reservation, but..."

It's amazing the things you can get done with a wad of cash, and while the guy was wary, well he was also a Gothamite, and snatched it up without another word. Once we were at our seats, we got ordered our grub. I... was a fan of bloody rare steak.

"Surprise me." Said Lazuli as she didn't even open her menu.

"Oh... Very well, and you sir?"

"I want something good." Said Lapis.

Just precious.

"Just get him the same thing." I said.

With that done we sat comfortably.

"So... How you two liking the whole new universe thing?"

"Fucking sweet so far." Said Lapis.

"I don't dislike it." Said Lazuli.

"Well that's good."

"The overly colorful superheroes are a bit much. What is they're deal?" Askies Lazuli.

I shrugged.

"Its a case by case basis. Though usually dead parents have something to do with it. Not always, but rule of thumb where heroes is concerned, assume at least one dead parent. If they're parents aren't dead, then they were probably assholes."

"That sucks." Said Lapis.

"Indeed. For some reason, the more loving and supportive they were, the higher likelihood they will die, how horrible their death is is inversely proportional to their level of basic human decency. In most other cases, the parent was an asshole who exists for the hero to angst over."

"And the one who wears his underwear outside his pants?"

"Superman? He's actually an odd case. Biological parents are dead, but he's probably got the best possible adoptive parents on this planet. The whole reason he's as optimistic, unfailingly kind, and known as the big blue boy scout is is due to good parenting."

"Neat." Said Lapis.

"Super." Lazuli deadpanned.

Our food came in not long after that. Apparently the waiter assumed two teenagers would appreciate salmon.

"What about you two? What's your story?"

"Orphans."

... Oh, right... Forgot about that.

Shit... I suck at this.

"Oh, uh... Sorry."

"Hn, nothing to be sorry about. Never really met them." Said Lazuli with a shrug. "Pretty sure they would have been assholes though."

Well... That's...optimistic?... I think.

"What about you?" Asked Lapis.

"Huh?"

Lapis tapped on the side of his temple.

"We been in your head man, We know somethings up. I mean we were in the fiction section."

"Oh right. That."

"So what is the story there?" Asked Lazuli. "Cause I'm guessing either the story is really stupid or really interesting. My money's on the former."

"Those two concepts aren't mutually exclusive." I said.

Lazuli shrugged, since she didn't say anything I guess that was my cue to actually answer their question.

"Well, we're not quite as different as you'd think."

"You must have a very strange definition of the word different." Said Lazuli.

"What if I told you, I used to be human."

"Operative word being 'used' I'd wager." said Lazuli.

"Indeed. Not much to tell to be honest with you, I just kinda... Woke up in a cocoon... Thing. I knew of Cell though."

"Clearly, he was in the Dragonball series. We saw that much though this Cell character seemed less... Stable? Is stable the right word? I don't want to assume but using the word stable to refer to you feels wrong."

"Ha, nice." Said Lapis.

"True, but what are you gonna do." I said with a shrug.

"So how did it happen anyway?"

"I dunno'"

"...That's it?"

"About sums it up yes."

"That's not what I... You Know what, never mind. I suddenly have stopped caring."

"Ah, now you are learning young Lazuli. Don't ask questions. Especially if the answers are probably incomprehensibly retarded." I said with a shrug.

"Fair enough."

Then the gunshots went off...

Because of course they did. Why wouldn't they? I mean was here, it's a miracle it didn't happen sooner. The universe must have been losing its touch. We actually got to enjoy the food first. Lapis, Lazuli and I turned to the entrance where several mooks dressed as clowns decided to waltz on in shooting the ceiling. Probably because it was the only target they could actually hit. Comic book mooks had aiming that made Imperial Stormtroopers look like Deadshot.

This is saying something.

Of course we'd run into this asshole. I was kinda hoping for an actual family outing where nothing bad would happen, but no. This had to be one of those again nine times out of ten it was one of those times. The other tenth of the time it was me contemplating whether or not Snowflame was a shared hallucination. I'm leaning towards no, but I couldn't be sure.

"This normal?" Asked Lapis.

"Must be Thursday. Never could get the hang of Thursdays." I said with a sigh.

And in walked the Clown Prince of Crime himself.

So it begins.

Anyway the Killer Clown himself was here. Sadly this one wasn't from outer space, which meant a definite lack of turning humans into cotton candy for future consumption.

"Sorry about the mess everyone, I juat heard a new comic was in town and I decided to pay him a visit... And there he is." Said the Joker as he made his way to our table, pulled up a seat, and sat down like he owned the place.

Which I know he didn't. The big 'Wayne' sign told me that much.

"Ah, if it isn't Cell. I've heard a lot about you. Gotta say, I'm a fan of your work. Love what you did to the little puddy cat. Gotta love the classics, I'm a Gilbert and Sullivan fan myself."

"..."

I lifted my hand.

"Check please." I said.

I could only hope that the everyday insanity of Gotham made the staff punctual and used to stupid shit like this. I was disappointed when my waiter just kinda... Sat there holding his own head and possibly crying.

Fucking Thursdays.

"Oh Cell, I'm hurt. I feel like you don't want to talk with me."

"No no, it's not that. It's just, well this was supposed to be a family outing. You kinda just barged in on dinner."

I really hoped to have at least one day go by without something inexplicable happening. Just once.

"Family?" Asked the Joker with a smile, which I'm certain is his default expression, as he looked from Lazuli to Lapis.

"Huh, so are you adopted or are they?"

"So..." Said Lazuli, getting the Jokers attention. "...do you usually go for the low hanging fruit? Adoption really? Heard it before."

Joker quirked his head a bit.

"It's been a slow day." Said the Joker with a shrug.

"Special Ed classes dragged on a bit to long?"

"Oh you have a tongue on you. Alright, now I'm interested. So Cell, who are the kiddies?"

I didn't say anything. Lazuli wouldn't let me.

"We're right here, you could ask us. Remedial and blind, how do you function." said the Deadpan Queen of the table.

"Oh I see you just fine, with his get up I saw you on the way in." said the Joker, motioning to Lapis... who was still dressed as a Cowboy.

Lazuli rolled her eyes as she went back to her meal. The Joker didn't seem to like that... For about a microsecond.

"Oh where are my manner. Names Mr. Joker, and you are?" He asked as he put his hand forward for a shake.

Lazuli didn't take it...

Lapis on the other hand.

"I'm Lapis." He said as he took the hand.

Then the electricity came. Lapis stood still, his eyes on the hand. His body motionless as his hair stood up. The Joker chuckled as he held it there. Then Lapis giggled. The Joker heard it, but didn't seemed too put off, if anything he seemed even more interested.

"That tickles." said Lapis, his hair standing on end, his cowboy hat nowhere to be seen.

The Joker removed his hand leaving Lapis none the worse for ware. Joker drummed his fingers in the table before looking to me, he chuckled a bit.

"Yep. Defiantly related to you."

"And the clown can learn, gold star Mr. Joker." Deadpanned Lazuli.

He tut'd and shook his head.

"My my, I see the problem. Your funnybone is as dry as the Sahara."

Lapis with a look of confusion on his face, decided to speak up

"Aren't bones wet?"

The Joker turned to him.

"What was that?"

"Bones. They're inside of us. Blood is inside of us to. And blood is wet, so wouldn't bones be wet?"

...

"You're one of those special children aren't you." Asked the Joker Rhetorically.

The rhetorical nature of the question was lost on Lapis.

"I got a perpetual motion machine for a heart. I think that's pretty special. Well I mean Lazuli has one to, but mine is better."

"Your mother must be so proud." Said Joker through a wide grin.

I feel like this conversation might have been hijacked from me.

Was this conversation hijacked from me?

"We're orphans." Said Lapis.

"Of course you are... Alright enough with the brats, So Cell, before I get side tracked again, I just needed to come over to ask you a little question. Nothing major mind you, just wondering... Were you the one who painted the Bat-mobile pink?"

Ohhhh, so that's what this was about.

"Yeah."

"Thought so. Alright, seeing as you're new I'm willing to let this slide. Everyone has to have a gimmick, I get it. Really I do, Crane has his spooky scarecrow shtick, Harvey loves himself some duality, Eddy riddles... Constantly, and Ivy is a green peace headcase. But jokes... Those are mine."

...

So it's pride then. Makes sense. I mean if another Bug Man decided to troll his way through the DC universe I'd probably be a bit annoyed, but I wouldn't really care either way since my goals would still be accomplished whether I do it or not. That said, the Joker is remarkably good at ignoring any situation that would annoy anyone else. Perhaps a new method should be used.

I wonder? What if I used my 4th Wall knowledge to my advantage... Oh that's a good one. Lets try it out.

"Say can I ask you something?"

The Joker blinked but motioned for me to continue.

"I've been trying to put together a little project. It's gonna be the next big thing, I call it Star Wars the animated series..."

"I'm sorry is this going anywhere or are you just stalling?"

"No, Just wondering. See I got everything ready. Just need some voice actors. I've been listening to you talk about Monty Python or whatever and I think your voice would be perfect for Luke Skywalker."

The Joker... Actually seemed to consider it for a moment. He could never know how much this was amusing me.

However after a minute he immediately shrugged off the idea with a faux aghast look.

"Me! A hero? I'm appalled at the mere idea."

"You have to admit you sound a lot like a disturbed Mark Hamill."

The Joker hummed to himself, before shrugging.

"Never noticed..." He said as he froze for a split second. "Hmmmm, actually now that I'm thinking it... I can't unhear it."

Ah, there it is. Just the opening I needed.

"Good, Good. Now you understand." I said in my best Palpatine voice, which for Imperfect Cell was close enough when I put a bit of inflection and rasp into it.

The Joker rose a brow.

"Are you mocking me?"

"Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the dark side." ...

"Ok stop that."

"Let the Hate flow through you."

The Joker narrowed his eyes and pulled out a gun, before pointing it in my face.

"Do you really want to do thi..." Was about as far as the Joker got before Lazuli snatched the gun with one hand and crushed it in a single fluid motion. With one hand no less.

The Joker just stared at the spot the gun once was. Seemingly not quite sure what happened.

"Everything is proceeding as I have forseen. " I said, interrupting his thoughts.

He grunted and pulled out yet another gun, only this time as soon as he aimed he pulled the trigger. The bullet just bounced right off.

"Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield is quite operational." I Palpatine'd.

The Joker blinked.

"This is not exactly how I expected tonight to go." he said as he haphazardly tossed the gun over his shoulder.

"No, the line is I am a Jedi, like my father before me. Come on man, what are you? An amateur."

Suddenly acid in my face. Yay for lethal joke flowers. It slipped right off my exoskeleton like water off a… something waters fall off of… stoners I think.

"I'm melting, melting! Who would have thought a little man like you could destroy such beautiful trollishness."

The Joker growled a bit.

"I will not be the butt of your Jokes. That is exactly opposite how this is supposed to go. Laughing along is one thing, but I will not be laughed at by a giant green insect... Lizard... Thing."

"Maybe your sense of humor just sucks." Said Lazuli.

The Joker actually, honestly, for real… just froze as he slowly turned to Lazuli.

"Did that bitch just..."

"Gotta admit, the electricity was my favorite part. Can we do that again?" Asked Lapis, interrupting the Clown Prince of Crime, which he apparently was not a fan of. Go figure.

"You two are starting to annoy me. Who even are you?"

"Don't be silly, I'm Lapis. We met when you electrocuted me."

"That's not..."

"Ignore him Lapis, I am. He's blind and slow anyway. Maybe he'll go away."

"...What is happening right now?"

Well objectively what was happening was a guy who was disfigured to look like a clown was holding up a restaurant to talk to a giant bug man for paining a car hot pink. Seemed fairly straightforward to me, not sure how he could get lost over that. Maybe that chemical bath gave him short term memory loss. Like that movie 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler. Though really I preferred the Waterboy. I thought it was funny anyway. Too bad Sandler went downhill after that.

What was going on again?

…

Oh right the Joker. Huh he's just standing there.

"Are you still here?" I asked.

"Cell I'm warning y..."

I tuned him out, this was supposed to be a fairly normal night out, and now I was getting threatened by a clown. I mean there really wasn't much he could do to me, Lapis or Lazuli, so at the moment he was basically about as threatening as a particularly annoying yappy dog who won't shut up at every mote of dust that happens across it's vision or something.

"Where the hell is my check?"

"STOP IGNORING ME!"

"Well then, be entertaining and maybe I won't get distracted... Oh hey a light bulb!"

It was a pretty light, one that caused old instincts within my bug brain to want to smash my face into it over and over again….. Aaaaaaaand the Joker decked me right in the face. Which seemed like a bit of an overreaction on his part. I didn't even feel it really. Wonder why he hasn't removed his fist yet. It's in my vision, making it kinda dark.

"Hello fist."

The Joker sighed as he took his seat. He rested his head on his fist as he stared back at me with a look that screamed 'I'm too old for this shit'.

"You know… you really are not as much fun as I hoped."

"I'm not a clown, I don't entertain others at the drop of a hat. That's your thing."

Joker rolled his eyes.

"Oh bravo for that one, walked right into it. Seriously you are nothing like I expected."

I shrugged.

"Not my problem. You're not exactly what I expected either, you don't see me crying about it. You're more on the Murder side of the Killer Clown thing instead of the funny side. I mean, the Trickster is funnier than you."

That… seemed to have touched a nerve.

"HE'S A HACK! A PALE IMITATION!"

"Are you really in any position to call anyone pale? There are these things called mirrors, use them. That's what they are there for." Deadpanned Lazuli.

The Joker looked to Lazuli… his expression blank, but not the I-Am-So-Angry-I'm-Going-to-Kill-You-with-your-own-internal-organs blank look, rather it was the, this-shit-stopped-being-fun blank look… Yes there was a difference.

"Hn...You know what. I don't have to take this from you. I'm leaving." Said the Joker as he got up out his seat He looked to me with crossed arms.

"You have ruined this evening for me, I hope you're proud of yourself." He said as he snapped his fingers at his goons.

"We're outta here gang. Some people just have no taste." He said as he headed out of the door.

They just kinda watched as their boss left before quickly running after him. The room was silent for the longest moment. That uncomfortable silence no one dared to break...

"Check Please!" I said... Hopefully for the last time.

A/N: Because all Jokers are Mark Hamill in my reality.