Memories of Things Past

In Which Bastard Shepard Goes in Search of Lost Time

Bastard Shepard dreamed. He dreamed of a burning colony, of a crowd of dirty children on earth, of starships cruising through the night. He dreamed of thresher maws, of medals, of dead soldiers. He dreamed of malfunctioning database logins. He dreamed of useless weapon modifications and mysteriously disappearing grenades. He dreamed of slowly jogging down the length of the Citadel with elevator music ringing in his ears. He dreamed of mining. He dreamed of spending long hours talking to fascinating and attractive people, and then jerking off alone in his quarters. He remembered Kaiden Alenko's perpetually sweating countenance, Urdnot Wrex's constant one-liners, Garrus Vakarian's obsession with black market testicle trade, Liara's unshakable blueness, Tali's boring stories, and Ashley was a bitch.

He dreamed of dying. Which was ironic, because he was dying.

He remembered death, wasting away, gasping for air, floating through the wreck of the original Normandy as Tali and Wrex flipped him off from their escape pod.

Commander Shepard has been recovered. The Lazarus can proceed as planned, unfortunately.

The memories grew faster and clearer. He remembered Miranda's ass, Tali's ass, Kasumi's ass, Samara's and Morinth's identical asses, Jack's flat ass, and Zaed's ass, too. He also remembered the black guy's ass but for some reason he couldn't remember exactly what it looked like. It wasn't a race thing, it was just that it wasn't a very memorable ass. Some of his best friends are asses. The images became a staccato.

Empty homes and seeker swarms.

There were Volus everywhere.

And Tuchanka still sucks.

Loneliness.

Cerberus is a pretty cool guy.

Guiltiness.

Why are you telling me this?

The darkness blossomed into a memory, played back like a reel.

I only dine with people of my own race.

Kasumi pointed. "Look—Hock has the head of the statue of liberty!"

"I want it," said Shepard.

Let's find your boyfriend's gay box.

Zaeed's face was alight with orange fire. "Vido dies. Let these people burn."

"Okay," said Shepard.

Nice shot, buddeh.

"Seems weird to pray for your victims," he said to Thane.

"The prayer wasn't for her. It was for me."

Shepard cupped his hands to his mouth. "GAAAY!"

So, you spawned. Like a toad.

The hologram of Tali peered up at Shepard from the old Quarian console.

"Is that…Shepard? Oh, no."

"Damn," said Grunt. "That's one small Quarian."

Shepard turned to him. "It's a hologram, you dumb piece of sht."

How many crew members can we fit in the airlock?

Garrus took his helmet off. "Nice to see a…" he cleared his throat "'friendly' face, Shepard. Killing mercs is hard work."

"You shot me," said Shepard.

"Only concussive rounds."

"Well." Shepard pulled out his pistol and aimed it at the left side of Garrus's face. "That makes it okay, then."

Damn, Garrus, you were ugly before. Now you're just pathetic.

Liara looked up from her desk in her office on Illium and saw Shepard entering. She pressed her intercom.

"Security."

You sold my body to a terrorist cell Well, you didn't do anything I wouldn't have done.

"Need you to put cure into vents," said Mordin. "Then I go with you."

Shepard shrugged. "I like vents."

Just once I'd like to ask someone to come with me and have them say "Sure, let's go, right now! No strings attached" and then have them not end up being dismembered in the back of my truck.

Grunt pinned Shepard against the wall. "Before you die, I need a name."

"Corpse," said Shepard.

"Not your name," said Grunt. "Mine."

"I know." Shepard pulled out his pistol and aimed it at the left side of Grunt's heart.

Actually, humans only have the one heart. Usually. I think I have a cuisinart in there or something.

"I'm genetically the perfect woman," said Miranda.

"And mentally perfect bitch," said Shepard.

"Was that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Yes."

Dat ass.

"WRAAAAGH!" said Jack.

Shepard's eyes widened. "Well this was a mistake sorry ma'am I guess we should go huh guys looks like purgatory was a bust."

She was pretty cute, though.

"Why are you wearing my armor?"

"There was a hole," said Legion.

"Yeah. But why are you wearing my armor?"

"…data unavailable."

"Well, I think it looks fabulous on you."

He was pretty cute, though.

Shepard walked solemnly through the CIC, past each member of his team. They were checking their weapons and equipment in dreadful silence. A few small groups had formed—Jacob and Miranda off to the side, while those that were there for Shepard stood apart from the ones whose services had been purchased. Since Shepard was the only one there for Shepard, he stood alone.

"Hey guys," he said. "I see you're all ready for the suicide."

"Don't you mean suicide mission?" asked Miranda.

"Well. I guess we know who's going to be taking the vents."

"Like her fat ass could fit," snarked Tali, who was standing grumpily in the corner with Garrus.

"Wow, you're one to talk," said Shepard. He turned to Jacob. "Obviously the person with the highest natural heat resistance should go."

Legion raised its hand. "This unit is equipped with advanced heat-sink systems."

"Oh, okay," said Shepard. "Joker it is."

"Joker isn't even here," pointed out Jacob. "And I don't know the first thing about tech. Why don't you send the machine?"

"Well, I wouldn't call myself a machine," said Shepard. "But I am the best at everything."

Garrus approached. "Don't bother, he's just going to ignore us and keep talking."

"Why don't you go, Garrus?" asked Shepard. "You must be pretty heat resistant from the hundreds of burning fan girl vaginas constantly smothering you."

"That's quite an image. But I really am too big to fit into the coolant vent." He paused. "That came out horribly, didn't it?"

Tali giggled.

Shepard was not amused. "Everything you say does. Speaking of horrible, a bet Thane would fit into any vent!"

Thane appeared from under the table. "I'm an assassin, not an engineer."

"Whatever." Shepard turned to Mordin. "Well, if there's anyone who can computer it's probably you, right gramps?"

"Not at all," yammered Mordin. "Not very knowledgeable in how to computer, more of a biology-physics-chemistry man myself—although, would have liked to be involved in the cybernetics that rebuilt you, Shepard—eraser-sized penis, hermaphroditic vagina—possibilities for humiliating modification…endless."

"Can't imagine it could get any more humiliating than what he already has," said Miranda.

"Laugh it up," said Shepard. "While you're still alive."

And then they all lived!

"Obviously Grunt will be leading the distraction team."

Well, except for Jacob. What a bust.

"We need a strong, specialized biotic to fend off those seeker swarms. Jacob!"

O Fortuna. Like the moon, you are changeable. At least I didn't try to make him swim or something, because then it would be my fault.

"Jack, make sure Dr. Chapstick and the rest of the crew get back to the Normandy safely. I'm counting on you to be reliable and empathetic."

"Fuck you, fucking motherfucker!"

"Good girl."

And the crazy thing is, they all lived! Again!

"Status report," said Shepard.

"Bad news, Commander," came Garrus's voice. "Jacob's dead."

"And?"

I should have left him on sex harem planet with his dad. He'd probably be a lot happier, now.

"This base could offer unlimited power, Shepard," said the Illusive Man. "Don't throw away this opportunity for me to control the galaxy. I mean, for youmanity."

"I won't let fear compromise who I am," said Shepard.

The Illusive Man's face twisted in rage. "DAMN IT SHEPARD! I rebuilt you. I OWN you!"

"Your methods will never work."

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT TAKES TO GET THE JOB DONE!"

Shepard shook his head firmly. "It's better to make allies and clean our vaginas excessively. The more sparkling vaginas we have, the better chance we have at defeating the Reapers with the power of love."

The Illusive Man exploded. "PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON WE LOST TO THE GOD DAMN TURIANS! PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON YOUMANTITTY IS ALWAYS BEING HELD BACK!"

"If we all join hands and sing show tunes, everything will turn out all right."

The Illusive Man's back arched and he almost fell out of his chair. "AAAARRRGH!" Panting and sweating, he lifted himself back into his chair and glared back at the hologram of Shepard with pure hatred in his eyes.

The Commander grinned widely. "Problem?"

Is it even possible to blow a blood vessel in a mechanical eye?

Liara sighed. "Well, thank you for inviting me over for drinks. I have to go back to being the Shadow Broker, now."

"I can't believe that poison didn't work."

"What?"

"Nothing." Shepard pushed her out the door. "Come back never."

Turns out Asari are immune to cyanide!

"Thank god you blew up that Batarian relay," said Admiral Hackett. "It cost us ten thousand batarian lives, but it was the only way to the delay the coming of the Reapers."

"The coming of the what?"

"Very funny," said Hackett.

"No, seriously, the coming of what?"

"I get it. 'Coming'. Very mature, Commander—Anderson warned me about you."

"For real, I don't know what you're talking about."

"But the relay—"

"I just really hate Batarians."

Fuck Batarians.

"Commander Shepard—we will be arriving at the Omega Relay in two hours. If you have any loved ones to comfort, I recommend you do so now in the privacy of your own quarters."

"Hey EDI, is it physically possible for a man to suck his own dick?"

"Why do you ask, Commander?"

"No reason."

Turns out the answer is no. At least, for a normal person.

He was alone.

The tragedy of the hero.

He was always alone.

Because he was a bastard.

Where's the gay black romance option?

There was a knock on his cabin door before they arrived at the Collector's base.

Shepard stopped trying to fold his spine in half and went to the door, throwing a towel around his loins as he did so. He opened the door.

"Shepard-Commander," said Legion.

"I don't need a vibrator. Go see Miranda."

"Shepard Commander, we wish to speak with you."

"Fine. I've got time to recline." Shepard thumbed his communications panel. "Hey, Garrus, come bring me a bowl of that delicious Turian soup for me while I chat up Tali's sex doll."

"I can't," said Garrus over the line. "I'm having sex with Tali."

"Well, take the few extra seconds it will take to finish and then come get me the soup!"

"You'll die."

"I already told you, I'm immune to all poisons due to cybernetic replacement—I mean, enhancement of my entire body."

"No, Shepard, I meant that I would kill you. If you ever order me around again."

Tali giggled in the background.

"Oh, that's great, that's just—hey! Is Tali there!?"

"I just told you we were—"

"Yeah, yeah, you're straight after all, you must be very proud—what, did you want me to video tape your first time, champ? Hey—tell Tali, tell her I said that her dad said that—"

The line cut off.

"God damn dextros," cursed Shepard. "Damn their delicious soup."

Legion was fiddling with his mechanical fingers. "Shepard Commander. We wish to know why you have chosen to behave in this way."

"How do you mean, bulb face?"

"In our time here, we have observed five hundred and seventy seven instances of sociological and psychological predation upon the various organics in this crew. Seventy five percent of these were targeted at those members of the crew suffering from emotional trauma, with a fifty percent of that focused on Garrus Vakarian and Tali'Zorah, who are also the only two members of this crew from the original Normandy. Why?"

"Well, flash light head, as a Commander it's my duty to keep my people in tip top shape—Gayrus and Talki are my best soldiers, so they get my special attention. It's called 'tough love', and it's where you grind the spirit of another being under your boot."

"That definition is not located in any standardized English text."

"Yes, well."

"That is not an answer. We theorize that these methods are an attempt to replicate previous successful results in your career, which were achieved using the same methods."

"You know what they say, lamp head: if it isn't broke, it isn't don't broke fix it."

Legion tried and failed to process this sentence. "Shepard Commander, are you aware of the logical fallacy of post hoc analysis?"

"What is that, light butt, some sort of 'spitting into Samara's tea and then ejaculating into Samara's tea'?"

"It is a failed heuristic in which the observer believes events are linked in the chain of cause and effect merely because one followed the other. You may be wrong in assuming that your antagonistic behavior produces positive results."

"Could you run that by me in simpler terms, computer man?"

"Garrus and Tali are accomplished soldiers," said Legion. "As are the rest of the crew. They are all exceptional individuals, as were many of the crew men and women aboard the original Normandy. Simply by bringing them together you create an environment where success is likely."

Shepard bowed his head. "Legion, I…I know what you're trying to say, and…and you're right. I've been lying to myself this whole time. I was looking for…I don't know what I was looking for. Someone to tell me this my whole life. Someone to believe in me."

Legion took a step forwards. "We are here for you, Shepard Commander."

"Thanks," said Shepard. "I always knew you thought I was the bestest most brilliant leader and tactician."

"Your assessment is…sound." Legion reached out hesitantly to touch Shepard's bare shoulder.

"What's the matter?" asked Shepard, flexing. "Jellyous? Wish you knew what it was like to be covered in my skin? You could have just asked."

Legion's flashlight head flashed with intensity. "Shepard Commander. We did not come here to talk."

"And I didn't talk her to come." Shepard let his towel fall. "Except I did. To come. Sexually."

"We offer you aid in reaching consensus, Shepard-Commander," said Legion.

"Let me show you a real pneumatic actuation," said Shepard.

"This unit has sixty nine sub programs processing your request."

"This ain't no floppy drive."

"The Geth are proposing a new data transfer interface: 'USB' to 'you in me.'"

"Every motherboard needs a master/slave, steel feel."

"Assessment complete: you have allocated more gigabytes for RAM than this unit has yet seen."

"Let's just say this page file is extra large."

"Networking ports are open."

"Does it hertz?

"This unit may require defragmentation after this installation."

"I think I'm about to dump my memory."

"This unit's power supply is overheating. Recommend injection into coolant tubes."

"Let's see if we can't over clock."

At that moment the door opened and Miranda walked in.

"Shepard, we'll be arriving at the Collector Base in—OH MY GOD!"

…oh my god.

Shepard awoke from his dream on the med bay table with Dr. Chakwas leaning over him.

"Good morning, Commander. I've just finished re-attaching your face."

"I was having a dream about Mass Effect 2," said Shepard, prodding his new face.

"Oh? How are you feeling?"

Shepard shot up and slapped her in the face. "MY LEGION IS DEAAAAD!"