Hey gang! I'm busting ass tonight in an attempt to update all my crack fics! Why, you ask? Because November (which starts on Tuesday) is NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month! As an excited participant, I will be taking a break from fanfic the entire month of November to attempt to write my very own, 200+ paged novel in just 30 days! Eeek! So I wanted to get this update to y'all before I take my epic work-cation!

Wish me luck, and please enjoy this chappy!

Chapter 11

A Midsummer's Night Genjutsu

"The course of true love never did run smooth."

~Shakespeare

"Hokage-sama! Hokage-sama!" Temari screeched as she entered Tsunade's office.

Tsunade, who was in the middle of taking a shot of sake, downed her alcohol and eyed the blonde kunoichi askance. "Temari? What are you doing here?"

"Hokage-sama, I've come here as fast as I could from Suna with important intel! The Akatsuki are sending Kisame and Itachi to the Hidden Leaf! For the Kyuubi! Do you know where Naruto is?"

The Hokage blinked; then she poured herself another drink, downed it, and called for Shizune, who at the Hokage's prompting explained, "Tsunade-sama! Team Seven is off doing a special training exercise in the Forest of Death!"

"Oh good. Then Naruto is with Kakashi and Yamato. He should be fine until the back-up arrives..."

"Um...actually m'lady, Genma told me this morning exactly what Team Seven is up to..." Shizune launched into an explanation of the insanity that was the upgraded bell test (AKA, Kakashi's excuse for a porn-a-thon vacation from work), while Tsunade smashed her shot glass down on the table and commenced to drink sake directly from the bottle.

Just as Shizune was finishing her explanation and fearing for her life, who should walk into the office but team Ino-Shika-Cho, reporting in from their latest mission. But when the three hapless nin looked at the stricken faces of the Hokage, Shizune, and Temari, they wished then and there that they had knocked on the door instead of barging in. Instinctively, they knew nothing good could come of this.

"Ino! Shikamaru! And Fat Ass! Get to the Forest of Death right now! We have a situation on our hands, I say! A mother fucking situation!" Tsunade roared, her cheeks flushed with the effects of alcohol.

"I'll go too, Hokage-sama," Temari muttered. She had her reservations about the effectiveness of Team Ten, considering they were the embodiment vanity, sloth, and gluttony. She was pretty sure they would die mean, ugly deaths up against major S-classed rogue ninja; either that or they would all cry like little girls once they got on the scene.

While Ino-Shika-Fat-Ass-Temari ran out of the office and off to the Forest o' Doom and Gloom to warn Team Seven of their impending disaster, Tsunade mobilized the ANBU to get ready for an all out war.

On the very outskirts of Konoha, two middle aged women hobbled under the weight of their heavy baskets as they made their way through the dense forest. At least, this is what the two traveling companions looked like to the untrained eye; in reality, it was Kisame and Itachi, cleverly hidden beneath one of Itachi's hax'd jutsu, or as Kisame liked to call it, sharinhax.

Kisame picked his nose and flicked a large, blue bugger at a nearby bush. Itachi resolutely looked on ahead.

"How far are we from this Death Forest thingie anyway?" Kisame groused as he investigated the contents of his other nostril.

"Not far," Itachi replied in a susurrant tone.

Kisame sighed heavily and stuck his hands deeply into his pockets. "Sure is stupid of Konoha to put their Kyuubi in such a remote location."

"Hn."

Just then, three civilian women came up the road; they weren't much older than teenagers, and Kisame noted that the tallest girl—a buxom blonde with ginormous tits— was especially good looking. The Akatsuki didn't get out much usually, and thus Kisame was thinking about grabbing her fine ass when—

"Let them pass, idiot. Remember, we look like a pair of grandmothers. Break my genjutsu and I will break you."

"Damn," Kisame muttered under his breath.

The giggling girls passed by the two, mentally-unwell, serial killers. "Hello grandmothers!" the curvaceous blonde called.

"Kisame," Itachi hissed in a warning tone.

"Man, what I wouldn't give to tap that ass," Kisame muttered hotly. However, his big voice rang out a bit loudly in the forest clearing, and the girls—who had clearly heard him, and who were clearly perturbed about the sexual preferences of the little old lady—rushed away from the scene quickly.

"If you blow our cover, so help me Kami—"

Kisame snorted and interrupted his constipated traveling companion, "Oi! Come on Itachi, they were hot! I mean, when was the last time you got laid—"

"Enough," Itachi shot back as he lifted his hand for silence.

Kisame rolled his eyes but otherwise remained silent; after all, it was a well known fact in the Akatsuki that one did not piss off Uchiha Itachi, unless one had a death wish. However, a moment later, contrary to Kisame's desire to preserve his life, he muttered under his breath, "I swear to Kami, you must be gay or something..."

"What was that?" Itachi spat, turning around abruptly and staring at Kisame with his sharingan eyes.

Kisame quickly looked away from the pinwheels of doom and complained, "Aw, come on Itachi, don't take everything so fucking seriously. I'm just saying, if you didn't think that fine piece of tail back there was hot-as-all-get-out, then it's possible you might be—"

"Complete that sentence, and I'll shove samehada so far up your ass, you'll be bleeding out of your ears," Itachi whispered in a cold, menacing voice.

"But Itachi, come on, you're totally hot, gay guys would—" Kisame wanted to say, "Jump your bones," but at that precise minute, Itachi threw a kunai at Kisame's face. The fish-man dodged, but the knife still managed to graze his cheek, drawing a thin line of blood.

"Uchihas don't have senses of humor. I suggest you shut your trap," Itachi hissed.

The two walked on in silence for a while longer, when Kisame mumbled to himself, "Man. You're so hot, even I would do you, but you've got this anger management problem—"

At that, Itachi placed Kisame under a particularly nasty genjutsu, not wanting to even entertain the possibility that Kisame would want to "do him." As Kisame's large body fell to the ground with a dull thumping sound, the Uchiha shuddered, and considered placing himself under genjutsu in order to erase Kisame's horrid comments from his poor soiled mind.

After a few minutes of torture, Itachi released Kisame, who continued to twitch on the ground like an epileptic having a seizure for another good five minutes. Smirking, Itachi began walking towards their destination; Kisame crawled after him until he could manage to walk again, and this time, the blue man did not say a word. Thankfully, Kisame had a large supply of chakra, and in a few moments, he was as good as new.

They hopped the fence to the magical Forest o' Death with no trouble at all; and since the ninja they were tracking were making a ton of noise, they did not have to look hard to find the Kyuubi, Uchiha the younger, and the heir of the Hyuga clan. The two Akatsuki members hopped up into a tree and gazed down at the madness unfurling below.

"A fight to the death, Uchiha-san!" Hinata bellowed.

"To the death, Hyuga-chan."

Hinata blushed violently at that—he called her Hyuga-chan! Girly fan-girl squeal! Naruto looked on in horror from the tree he was currently tied to and yelled, "Guys! You don't need to do this! Please!"

"Tch. Yes we do idiot. At the end of the day, I'm the only one who is going to be fucking you."

"Whatever Uchiha!" Hinata screamed. "It's ON!" And then, the two dark haired ninja went at each other, not with kunai or shuriken, but with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. Naruto promptly had a nosebleed and passed out.

"Yo. Itachi, I think your little brother is gay for the Kyuubi..."

Itachi didn't respond, but Kisame saw that the corners of his mouth were twitching upwards in the Uchiha's approximation of a grin.

Just then, who should burst into the clearing but Haruno Sakura. "You sluts! Naruto is MINE!" Sakura shrieked as she, too, joined the fray of dessert toppings.

Kisame scratched his head. "Um...I guess we should get the Kyuubi now...while he's tied up and passed out with a pervy nosebleed and all."

"Oh...I have a better idea. I think it's time I taught my foolish little brother a lesson."

Kisame grinned. "Oi, are you going to fuck with those idiots down there?" Itachi nodded, and Kisame snorted before venturing, "Oh Itachi, I love how you're such a sick, twisted fuck!"

"Are you hitting on me again?" Itachi asked as he looked his partner in the eye with his menacing sharinhax®.

"Um...of course not," Kisame muttered as he turned a shade of purple— because let's face it people, if your skin is blue and you blush, your blush will be purple. It's basic color theory.

Itachi smirked and made a few complicated hand-signs before murmuring, "Love-Clusterfuck-no-Jutsu!"

Just then, the ninja in the forest below stopped fighting, as they were caught in the throes of Itachi's hax'd genjutsu.

Sasuke and Hinata just looked at each other for a moment before they started sucking on each other's faces and rolling around in whipped cream and chocolate syrup sludge. Sakura put her hands on her hips and pouted. "Oi! Hinata-chan," the Pink-headed girl cried, "come make out with me!" With her monstrous strength, Sakura grabbed Hinata from Sasuke's evil clutches and started macking on the Huyga.

At that moment, Naruto woke up from his stupor and blinked. And blinked. And blinked some more. And when he was convinced that Sakura and Hinata really were making out, and that they were both half naked and covered in syrup, Naruto promptly passed out again with another nosebleed.

As Sasuke rose to his feet and demanded that Sakura give back his "Princess," and Sakura punched Sasuke in the gut and called him a "Slut faced jerk nugget," Itachi and Kisame almost fell out of their perches in the tree from laughing too hard.

a/n hope you enjoyed this installment! And see you next month-ish!