I stare back at Jacob as he waits expectantly for an answer to his question. The change in him is unnerving to say the least. Less than fifteen minutes ago he was freaking out in the car, and now, he's standing before me wearing the shirt that Edward gave him and looking like he doesn't have a care in the world.
"Shall we?" Edward suggests, raising an inquisitive eyebrow.
I'm not sure whether his smugness is entirely imagined by me, but it rankles just the same.
Without a word, I start walking towards the entrance, and Edward falls into step beside me. Jacob moves between us, and my step falters. I remember many times when I've watched enviously as families walked like this. Sometimes both parents would be holding a hand each and swinging their child between them. I used to wonder if Jacob noticed this and wished he could have that too. If he did he never showed any indication of it, and he has never walked so closely between me and another person before.
Looking down at him, my insides twist at the look of pride on his face. The sheer speed in which he's relaxed into this bizarre situation, coupled with the expression he is wearing, reveals to me just how much he's always wanted to meet his father. I swallow down the shame that suddenly grips me. What kind of mother am I that I never knew he felt this strongly? My reluctance to tell him anything about Edward had even caused him to think that his father must be dead.
We haven't even reached the ticket booth when Edward pulls out his wallet. Gritting my teeth, I delve into my purse pulling out my wallet and rush towards the booth before he can reach it.
"Let me," he says, catching up with me easily.
"No it's okay, I've got it," I say, opening my wallet and taking out the coupons I cut from yesterday's newspaper.
"What are those?" he asks, watching me unfold them.
"I saw these in the paper yesterday, they give you half off."
He scowls at the pieces of paper in my hand as if his glare alone could incinerate them. "You don't need those," he objects. "I can pay."
Jacob is watching us avidly.
"Thank you, Edward," I say with forced politeness that borders on sarcasm. "But, it would be a shame to waste them. There's no sense in paying full price when I can use these. No point in throwing money around just for the sake of it, is there?"
His expression darkens, but his eyes dart to Jacob and his mouth stays firmly closed. I turn to the ticket seller and pay for our tickets, before stepping aside and letting Edward purchase his full price one.
The autumn sun casts a bright, luminous glow on everything, making the day seem warmer than it actually is. Despite the bitter cold wind, the park is teeming with people as we push through the gates. As soon as we are through the turnstiles, Jacob unfolds the map and peers at it.
Edward stands behind Jacob, looking around as if he's suddenly found himself on a different planet. Looking so stiff in his inappropriate clothes, I wonder if he even remembers how to relax and have fun. He certainly doesn't look like a man who has much of it in his life.
He looks down at Jacob, his expression pensive and then he looks at me. Realizing he is at a loss of what to do, I feel a pang of sympathy for him. I nod encouragingly, hoping that it will convey that I think he should talk to Jacob.
"What kinds of rides do you like?" he asks, looking over Jacob's shoulder.
Jacob turns to look at him, shyness evident in his expression, and shrugs a little. "I like everything, especially the big rides, but Mom doesn't, so I don't get much of a chance to go on them."
Though addressing Jacob, Edward looks at me as he speaks. "Well I'm sure your Mom and I could take it in turns to enjoy the rides with you," he proposes. "I don't mind the big ones."
Jacob's head whirls to me, and his gleeful smile has me quickly forcing a smile of my own. He thrusts the map at me, pointing eagerly at a rather gruesome caricature of a spider-like ride. "Can I go on the Tarantula with..." he stalls and his face reddens. "Edward?" His voice is quiet and carries a trace of uncertainty as he says his father's name.
Instantly, I can tell he wanted to say dad but lost his nerve at the last moment. It's yet another reminder of the many obstacles we must overcome before Jacob can feel entirely comfortable with this situation he has been thrust into.
Nodding, I plaster a smile to my face. "As long as you meet the height requirements, I don't see why not."
In a gesture borne of the sheer volume of emotions coursing through him, Jacob throws his arms around me and hugs me tight. "Thanks, Mom." Hugs are always reserved for extreme situations, and this one certainly qualifies.
It is not without effort that I keep my own emotions in check. I pull back and grin down at him. "Let's go have fun!"
I look up and my eyes connect with Edward's. There is a fleeting glimpse of something I recognize on his face, but before I have the chance to focus on it, it's gone.
There have been times over the years where I've succumbed to the temptation of imagining what it would've been like if things had turned out differently – If the three of us could have been together. I was never able to fully imagine a scenario that felt right, and here – in the reality of the situation – it still doesn't feel right.
When we reach the line for the tarantula ride, Jacob races to the board to stand beneath the red line. For once his rambunctious hair is an asset as the attendant agrees that he meets the height requirement, even though I know he's almost an inch below it.
Flashing his wrist band triumphantly at the attendant, Jacob makes his way to the end of the line.
"Are you coming?" Edward asks, surprising me.
Shaking my head, I wave my hand at him, gesturing that he should join Jacob, who is so eagerly waiting. Unable to put my finger on the exact emotion I am feeling, I look away from them both for a few moments. I should be happy that Jacob has relaxed so quickly and seems to be taking all this in his stride, but the mother in me can't stop worrying that there will be a backlash.
Watching intently as the attendant straps them into their seats, I wave back to Jacob as he gives me a thumbs up. Edward looks like the cat that got the cream as his eyes never leave Jacob.
While they enjoy the ride, I take a seat on a nearby bench and force myself to take stock of the situation. Jacob was so nervous, and ready to walk away from the chance to meet his father due to those nerves. Yet, now he is happily riding on a fairground attraction with him.
Even though there is a cacophony of screams and yells ringing out from the ride, I can differentiate Jacob's from the rest. His happy screams seem clearer to me than all the others and should come as a relief, but my distrust of Edward prevents me from being truly happy to see Jacob so open and carefree. I can't help but worry that it would be so easy for Edward to truly hurt him, even if he doesn't mean to.
"Mom!" Jacob yells, sprinting towards me when the ride is over. "You totally have to go on that, it's awesome!" He spins round towards Edward. "Tell her," he prompts. "How cool was that?"
Edward chuckles and ruffles Jacob's hair. "It was pretty special," he says, smiling broadly.
"What can we go on next?" Jacob asks, pulling open the map.
"Maybe we should get you something to eat first. You hardly touched your breakfast this morning," I suggest.
Jacob's shoulders sag. "I'm not hungry," he protests. "And besides, if I eat now I won't be able to go on any more rides for a while. You always make me wait in case I throw up," he points out. "I could use a drink though."
I give him some money and he scoots off towards the concession stand up ahead of us. "No soda!" I call after him. "Get water."
"He has so much energy," Edward says, grinning as he watches Jacob race ahead of us. He turns to me. "He's a great kid. I'm so relieved it's going so well."
"Me too," I agree, keeping my eyes trained on Jacob. "He was really nervous this morning." I steal a glance at Edward, he's watching me intently. "He...um... he nearly didn't go through with it."
His eyebrows shoot up. "Really?"
I nod. "This means so much to him," I say quietly. "You have to take it slowly, he's on a high right now, but it won't take much to knock his confidence."
"It means a lot to me too." His voice holds a slight trace of affront. "I would never hurt him."
Jacob is standing in line, and I drop down onto a bench seat to wait for him. Edward sits beside me.
"I'm not suggesting you'd do it intentionally, but if you lose your temper or –"
"I won't," he grits out. "I already apologised for that." He runs his fingers through his hair and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Look, this isn't easy for me either. I was worried he wouldn't like me, that he'd stand behind you the whole time. I don't even know what you've told him about me or what he was expecting. I'm not... used to kids." He swallows and there's a long pause before his shoulders relax and he looks back over his shoulder at me. His lips curve into a small smile. "They scare me a little."
Something about the tenderness in his eyes and the honesty of his admission moves me. "I've never said a bad word about you to him," I say. "And you're doing great; just don't try too hard... let him set the pace."
He continues to look at me, his smile slowly fading before he turns his head and watches Jacob.
"What do you mean, trying too hard?" he asks.
"Well, that shirt you gave him... was it really necessary to have the team sign it?"
"You said he was into baseball, I thought maybe we could collect signed shirts. It would be something we could do together. If I'd known he'd want to wear it, I could have brought an unsigned one too."
"You don't need to shower him with gifts, Edward," I say gently.
Hearing how he's thought this through and actually come up with something he hopes he and Jacob will have in common, endears him to me more than I want it to. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, then the way to a mom's heart is through her children.
"You know, I'm glad he's enjoying himself," he says, bringing me out of my introspection. "But I wish we'd met somewhere a little quieter, so I could talk to him more."
I look down at his clothes. "Maybe we should've set up a meeting in your boardroom," I joke.
His head snaps round and catching my expression, he looks down. "Yeah, I guess I'm not really dressed for this. I was sort of on autopilot this morning, you know?"
"I'm guessing you don't spend a lot of time doing stuff like this," I say with a smile.
"I work a lot." He sighs, facing forward again.
"Define a lot."
"Seven days a week, usually."
"That's how you live your life, now?" I say, unable to keep the surprise from my voice.
He swivels on the bench and his eyes narrow as he looks at me. "Yeah, this is how I live my life, Bella. I work seven days a week and I enjoy it, so shoot me. What about you? How do you live your life? Cutting out coupons?"
His disdainful tone riles me. My hands ball into fists while I seethe inwardly. Who the hell does he think he is, insinuating that I'm practically a failure for being frugal?
"Yes!" I hiss, feeling like I'd love to slap him right about now. "I do what I have to, to provide for Jacob."
"Well, there wasn't much I could do about that!" he storms, standing up.
"Touche," I mutter, cringing a little because he has a point. A very valid point.
In my attempts to defend how I've coped raising Jacob alone, I've inadvertently made it seem like I'm the poor, neglected single mother. That was not my intention, and I could kick myself for letting my emotions get the better of me.
I stand up when Jacob comes bounding back towards us. I'm keen to get moving again. The next hour consists of Edward and I following an excited Jacob all over the theme park. He and Edward are still acting slightly unsure but are clearly enjoying themselves, and thankfully all conversation between Edward and me is conducted through Jacob.
Eventually Jacob catches onto the fact that I've managed to avoid going on any rides and tries, unsuccessfully, to coax me onto a couple of high ones. I've never been good with heights and he knows this, but in his exuberance, he's clearly forgotten.
"We should go on the Terminator next!" Jacob enthuses.
"You can go on it with Edward. I don't mind waiting," I say with a smile.
"Why don't we go on a ride that we can all enjoy?" Edward says, looking down at Jacob.
"Yes!" Jacob utters, clearly delighted by the mere notion. "Can we?" he asks, looking at me as if his life depends on me answering affirmatively.
Edward eyes me expectantly. I envision him holding out an olive branch, and it seems only fair that I should do the same.
"Of course." I force out the words.
Finally, we settle on a ride that doesn't rise above eye level – though it does seem to spin quite a lot – an observation that does little to enamour me to it.
Eyeing the narrow carriage sceptically, I wonder if we will all fit as Jacob urges me to get in. I climb in before Jacob, leaving Edward to get in last. Edward smiles as he pulls the barrier across us. This is the most relaxed I've seen him and slowly, the hard-ass business man who pisses me off seems to be melting away.
I turn away from him as the attendant approaches us to check the barrier.
"You'll have to switch," he says, motioning between Jacob and I with his finger. "The lightest rider has to be on the inside."
As soon as the barrier is raised Jacob stands up and looks at me expectantly. Looking down at the empty space next to Edward, my eyes close briefly as I fight the urge to just step off the ride altogether. I slide along the plastic-covered seat making sure to leave a space between Edward and I, but that proves pointless when Jacob drops into the gap on my other side, effectively pushing me up against Edward.
The attendant slams the barrier shut with a loud clang, and I am thoroughly imprisoned. My leg is pressed firmly against Edward's from hip to knee, and I feel the heat from his body seeping into mine. I doubt there has ever been a time in my life when I've been more uncomfortable than I am right now – and not just physically.
The ride begins to move and Jacob laughs hysterically on our first spin, which of course forces me even tighter against Edward. He raises his arm to slide it along the back of the carriage. I feel his hard muscles flexing as he moves, and briefly I wonder if he works out now. The ride speeds up, putting more strain on my neck as I fight to keep my head from falling backwards.
I'm not strong enough to withstand the sheer force of the ride, and my head falls back against Edward's shoulder. Jacob is giggling beside me, his hands flailing in the air, but there is no sound coming from Edward. I'm practically nestled in the crook of his arm, which feels entirely too intimate to me.
Gripping the hand rail, I pull myself forward in an effort to gain some much needed distance, but I can't fight the gravitational force that keeps pulling me towards Edward.
"If you sit back, this would be a lot less painful," he half yells above the music, his voice shaking in time with the rattling of the carriage.
I turn to look at him – our faces are mere inches apart. Swallowing thickly, I wrench my eyes from him and face the front instead. Jacob giggles beside me, throwing his hands in the air again and whooping at the sensation of being spun so fast. Once again, I find myself thrown back against Edward, but this time his hand curls around my shoulder.
"Sit still," he insists. "It'll be over soon."
His breath is hot on my ear, and even though it's shaking his voice holds a timbre that sends shivers down my spine.
As soon as the ride is over, I jump from the carriage, heading for the exit as fast as my legs will carry me. Glancing around, I spot a sign for the restrooms and head for the nearest one, calling over my shoulder to them to wait for me.
Slamming the door of the stall, I cover my face with my hands and lean my head against the wall. What the hell is going on? My emotions are all over the place. I worried about how difficult this might be for Jacob, and I was fully prepared to have to help him through it. However, it never entered my head that this might be more difficult for me than it would be for him. I never expected that he and Edward would start to bond so quickly. I am happy for Jacob, but I have to admit that my happiness is tinged with jealousy.
Edward hasn't only had a profound effect on Jacob. One instance of sitting next to him and I'm acting like an eighteen-year-old again. All too aware of the heat emanating from him, the hardness of his body pressed against mine, and when my head lay on his shoulder it brought back that feeling of belonging that I never knew I'd forgotten.
Surely it's just the emotions of the day mixed with my lack of sleep that is causing me to feel so out of my depth. Jacob is happy – that should be the main thing... Oh God, Jacob!
Yanking the door open, I rush back outside, half expecting to find them gone. Whirling in every direction, relief stops me in my tracks when I spot them leaning against a railing, deep in conversation. My heart is hammering wildly in my chest. While I don't really believe that Edward would kidnap him, it was stupid to take the chance. I have to pull myself together and take control of the situation.
Walking towards them, I catch the tail end of their conversation.
"– we're only here till after... Grandpa Charlie is sick." Jacob finishes ominously. I explained the implications of Charlie's illness to him, but it still hurts to hear him imply to Edward that Charlie will die.
Edward stares at Jacob for a long moment, as if he's trying to find the right words. "Your mom's lucky to have you here helping her."
Jacob's cheeks grow pink as he shrugs self consciously. He looks down, kicking his toe into the ground. His head snaps up when he hears me approach, and his eyes hold mine. Worry flashes in them, alerting me to the fact that he fears he might have said something he shouldn't have. I smile reassuringly at him.
"It's lunchtime," I say, handing him the map. "Have a look and decide where you want to eat."
He takes the map from me and unfolds it, studying it for a moment before looking up to Edward. "What do you like to eat? They've got hot dogs, pizza, burgers ..." He squints at the map again. "Mexican and a sandwich bar," he says, grimacing at the last option.
In his Italian shoes and tailored trousers, Edward doesn't give the impression he eats fast food. But I remember he used to practically live on cheeseburgers – much to Esme's annoyance.
"The choice is yours," he says to Jacob.
"But what do you like?" Jacob asks again, his eyes shining with curiosity.
Appearing to grasp that this question is Jacob's way of finding out more about him, Edward grins. "I wouldn't mind a cheeseburger." He glances at me. "What about you? You still vegetarian? If they don't do garden burgers we could go somewhere else."
I tell him that the burger joint will be fine and Jacob happily walks in front of us, taking in the rides as we pass.
"I'm sorry about Charlie," Edward says quietly, hanging back beside me. "How is he?"
"Refusing to take it seriously," I reply, and then realizing I'm being short with him, I elaborate. "It's his way of dealing with things. He's just trying to stay as normal as possible for as long as possible."
"It's pancreatic cancer, right?" he asks gently, but I catch the ominous tone of his voice.
"Yeah," I respond shakily. "Do you mind if we don't talk about it?"
"Of course."
I feel like I'm running on autopilot as we get our food and make our way to a table in the far corner of the restaurant. Jacob sits opposite Edward while I take the window seat. Almost as soon as he sits down, Jacob launches into a flurry of questions.
"Where do you live?" Jacob asks, dipping a French fry into ketchup.
"Seattle," Edward replies.
"Where do you work?"
"I'm based in Seattle, but I travel a lot."
"What's your job?"
"I work with my brother, Emmett," Edward says with a smile. "We run some businesses that do lots of different things."
"Wow, you must be really rich."
"Jacob!" I scold, and he has the good grace to look sheepish, but it doesn't stop him from asking more questions.
"What's your house like?"
"I live in an apartment... maybe one day I'll get to take you there," Edward responds, raising his eyes to meet mine.
"Cool!" Jacob enthuses.
My attention caught, I stare across the table to see Edward still looking at me. Another impasse. Jacob is concentrating on tearing his burger into little pieces, so I shake my head slightly to indicate to Edward that I don't want to get into that discussion in front of Jacob.
He sighs, and I spot the muscle working in his jaw. With Jacob sitting right between us, I can't offer any explanation, but I hope he knows my lack of elaboration is purely down to Jacob being here.
Edward holds my gaze as I take a sip of coffee.
"Maybe you and I should get together," he says.
My gasp results in a lung full of coffee, which I promptly spit all over the table in an embarrassing coughing fit.
"Are you okay, Mom?" Jacob asks, jumping to his feet.
Still coughing, I manage to nod. Wiping my mouth, I focus on Edward. "What?"
His obvious amusement irritates me. "I was just saying, maybe we should get together and work out a plan for going forward."
"For going forward?" I ask disdainfully, "What? Like a business plan?"
"No, Mom." Jacob cuts in, reminding me that I need to be far more in control of myself than I am right now. "So we can see more of each other." He turns to Edward, looking for affirmation. "Right?"
"Yes," Edward agrees. "If that's what you want."
I want nothing more than to remind Edward that Jacob is not a pawn in our game, but since I am as guilty as he is, I bite my tongue. He is right; we do need to work things out for Jacob's sake – and not just the logistics of visitation rights. Just as I'm about to vocalize this in as diplomatic a way as I can muster, my cell phone rings.
Edward quirks an eyebrow as if to remind me of my earlier request for him to switch his phone off. I resist the urge to roll my eyes and look at the display.
Seeing that it's Leah, I press the answer button. "Hi Leah," I say with a smile.
"Are you still in Adventureland?" she asks without preamble.
Catching the tension in her voice, my heart skips a beat. "Yes, why?"
"You need to come home," she says. "It's Charlie."
I shoot up off my seat. "What's happened?" I gasp.
Edward and Jacob look at me simultaneously.
"He collapsed at work today. They took him to the hospital. Me and Mom are here with him, they've sedated him. They haven't told us anything yet, but I think you should come, they'll talk to you."
"Collapsed? He was okay this morning–" Remembering how I avoided him this morning, I slump back down into my chair. "Leah..."
"Bella!" Leah's voice is insistent now. "Don't think, just get here."
I try to look at Edward and Jacob, but the vision escapes me and I realise tears are blurring it.
"I need to go," I whisper.
"Mom?" Jacob's voice is panicked.
Blinking rapidly, the tears fall onto my cheeks, blazing a path to my chin. "It's okay, baby. We just need to go home." My voice sounds like it's being piped through the speakers on the wall. It is alien to me, and judging by Jacob's face, it sounds alien to him too.
"I'll drive you."
I turn at the sound of Edward's voice.
"No," I protest. "I brought my car... it's outside... I have to–"
"I'll drive it!" Edward insists. "You're in no fit state to drive."
I blink at him, trying to focus on the practicalities. "But your car?"
"Let me worry about that."
Before I know it we are zooming through the streets, and my head is filled with the arguments Charlie and I have had over the past couple of days. If I'd agreed to insist that Edward come to the house, Charlie wouldn't have gone to work today. Jesus! He had surgery a few days ago. What was I thinking?
The sob bubbles in my throat before I can stop it. I feel a hand on my arm, and all at once I am aware of my surroundings. I'm sitting in the passenger seat of my own car with Jacob in the back, leaning forward, gripping my arm.
"Don't cry Mom, we'll get you there!" he says desperately.
I clutch his hand in mine. He said 'we'.He is already looking to Edward for support and I have to relinquish if only to give Jacob peace of mind.
"Thanks, sweetie," I murmur, before I can check myself for using that term of endearment in front of Edward. But I needn't have worried because he squeezes my arm as if to tell me it's okay.
The state of panic doesn't leave me throughout the journey, and as we pull into the hospital parking lot it increases. Panic grips me as Edward kills the engine. Silence descends like cling film and suddenly I can't breathe.
"Bella!" It is Edward's voice that penetrates. "Do you want me to take care of Jacob for you?"
"No! He's coming with me." I turn to Jacob.
I look at Jacob. His eyes are like saucers and he is so very pale. Turning to Edward, I see the conflict in his eyes. Edward's eyes flick between Jacob and me, until eventually they seem to harden with decision.
"I'll come inside with you to make sure you find them. Okay?"
I nod absentmindedly, concentrating on Jacob again. His obvious relief at Edward's decision cuts like a knife. I should be the one putting him at ease. I'm the one who dragged him into all this and if I can't see him through it, what hope is there?
Feeling warmth on my knee, I look down to find Edward's hand gripping me. My eyes snap to his, only to find a commanding gaze. "I'm coming with you."
He opens his door, and following his lead, I get out and open the door for Jacob.
We rush through the labyrinth of corridors, finally finding Leah and Sue who stare with wide eyes at Edward.
Leah recovers her composure first and smiles at Jacob. "You and I are gonna go home and watch Ratatouille."
With no hint of emotion or comprehension, Jacob stares back at her for a long while before he speaks. "What's happened to Grandpa Charlie?"
Leah slips her arm around his shoulder and pulls him close. "The surgery he had the other day hasn't healed properly. He just needs a few days rest to help him recover." She glances at me. "They've given him some medicine to make him sleepy. That way he"ll be able to get the rest he needs to make him feel better. Your mom wants to stay to keep an eye on him, but we can go home."
Jacob looks at me for reassurance.
"Leah's right. I'll wait here and as soon as Grandpa Charlie wakes up, I'll call you," I promise.
He turns to look at Edward who is all but forgotten. "Why can't I go with my dad?"
Edward's eyes widen at the same time mine do. My dad hangs in the air between us. I want to succumb to Jacob's desires but common sense prevails. I can't risk Edward taking him to his family without me being there. A maelstrom of emotion sweeps through me as I stare at Edward, willing him to give me an out.
He crouches down in front of Jacob. "Your mom's right, you should go with Leah. Grandpa Charlie needs to rest and your mom can stay here and make sure he's okay." He stops and roots around in his pocket, pulling out a card. He shows it to Jacob. "This is my cell phone number. You can call me anytime. I'll be here for you when you need me."
Jacob stares at the card. Tears fill his eyes as he glances at me and then looks up at Edward. "But I need you now."
Thank you for reading
Kat