And there was more to the story, indeed….a whole lot more interesting stuff that Nigel had no chance of ever finding out, for his fantasy fiction pretty much ended with Xena throwing the golden apple in the hands of the anxiously to turn back to her old self again Aphrodite, thus wisely equaling the balance between War's uncontrollable thirst for bloodshed and carnage and Love's ridiculous dreams of sugar melted hearts and romantic serenades under the moonlight….
Unfortunately, for every Daily Papyrus reader from Pelion to Cythera, the epic battle of the Gods –and most of all, Ares and Xena's steaming romance- was drastically reduced- as a direct consequence of the blatantly miserable academic studies of that brainless reporter-to a couple of insignificant lines completely devoid of emotion…- a rather dull dialogue that clumsily managed to turn a fairy good story into an ordinary tavern gossip ….
Here's what I'm talking about:
EXTRACTS FROM THE "HATEFUL LOVE- XENA AND ARES" ARTICLE ( By Nigel, the greatest reporter of all times)
We were all standing there, before the walls of Valhalla, holding our breaths while waiting for an historical confrontation to decide the very future of mankind….
At first, there was silence, a long heavy silence that even a peasant's child could tell it was about to bring nothing good…Silence….silence even inside our heads…Deep, burdening silence until, right out of nowhere, as if the Gates of Tartarus themselves had been smashed by an army of tormented souls in the desperate attempt to escape the damned place, thunderous sounds of swords clashing began filling the air, splitting our eardrums with each new blow….
A battle that would be most certainly sung for centuries on end by our grandchildren's children was unfolding before our very eyes…..Xena-possibly the greatest human warrior in recorded history was fighting Odin-king of the Norse Gods , two towering mountains defying any natural or unnatural limit and constraint in order to get their hands on one of the few things that could grant any Mortal eternal life and any Deity boundless power and dominion…
But…as I always said, nothing can better describe a situation than quotes, and given that I have a phenomenal memory, I am willing to share with you, my faithful, constant, passionate papyrusworms, everything that I've heard that day…So if you're not seated yet while reading this shockingly revealing article I strongly suggest you do it as fast as you can , for you're about to get the shock of your life…
Important note: The information mentioned in the content presented below is highly UNrecommended to people known to suffer from various heart conditions…Having a stroke would be imminent…The Daily Papyrus will not take responsibility for any of the deaths following the irresponsible reading of this article…
Anyway, enough with the blabber….here goes nothing:
ME ( aka Nigel, the greatest reporter of all times) " Xena is attempting to wrestle the golden apples, from Odin. But the question still remains-should she succeed in getting these apples-whom will she bestow the gift of godhood? Now that's a good question, isn't it, and I could bet my life that each and every one of you, my dear, honorable citizens would like to know it's answer wouldn't you….? Well, you might not believe it but I think I might have discovered the truth…"
An earsplitting sound interrupted my speech that very then…quite rudely too... Screams and dust everywhere…
ME ( aka Nigel, the greatest reporter of all times) " Did you hear that? That was Odin begging for his life! Oh-h h h-h yeah, that's right…..Something appears to be happening inside Valhalla! .
BEOWULF- "The day may be decided…"
To my utter amazement, from smoke and dust, Xena appeared- still in one piece-, a victorious smile playing on her lips. She was suggestively kicking the Norse God's ass just for fun, golden apples in one had sword in the other….
ME ( aka Nigel, the greatest reporter of all times): Xena, you won! You've actually beaten the legendary Odin, fair and square!….How do you feel about all this? "
XENA: "Couldn't be better! Obviously he could have saved himself a world of trouble if he had just handed the fruits in the first place! But no need to rub his nose in it..."
ODIN: "My pain is almost over anyway….Well eat already, what are you waiting for? You will be able to destroy me then and your victory will be complete….!"
My eyes were on Xena. She had this most incredibly vicious smug painted on her face….I somehow had a bad feeling about the type of future that the Fates would struggle to lie ahead of us….
ME ( aka Nigel, the greatest reporter of all times): Xena….What are you planning to do with the …apples?
She didn't bother to answer. The Warrior Princess did have a bad reputation when it came to speaking her mind ...but she did chuckle lowly while throwing Ares one of those dirty looks that said so much more than words could….That's when the truth suddenly hit me…"
ME ( aka Nigel, the greatest reporter of all times): ….Xena, Xena no….You can't send Ares back to Olympus…"
XENA "Now he's telling me what I can't do. Imagine that!" she muttered displeased, closing in the distance between her and the ex War God
Before any of us had the time to blink once, Ares was already taking a huge bite out of that little golden beauty.
ARES: "Mmm…It's juicy…Oh here it comes….here it comes Baby….Oh, yeah! All right! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!"
Yells and laughs on the soundtrack….Not mine of course…
ME ( aka Nigel, the greatest reporter of all times): "I knew it! You were in this for yourself all along!"
I couldn't control that yell, trust me...I didn't try too hard though, I suppose. Maybe it was because I felt double crossed and that was a bit annoying…..
ODIN " Of course she was you moron! Who wouldn't wanna be a God?"
ARES "That's right…who wouldn't wanna be a God? Go ahead…take a bite…It's good…"
GABRIELLE: "Don't…" the Bard rushed to intervene sensing the danger…
Nonetheless, the Olympian cut her off real fast.
ARES "Hey….there's nothing for you here…The weasel had a good idea you know….become a Goddess…we could have some kicks…."
XENA "Wouldn't want you to be alone on Olympus…."
She was tempted…definitely tempted. Her eyes were shining with new, earth shattering possibilities, that was as clear as daylight. The lovers finally together…for eternity….
GABRIELLE "Xena…Don't…."
The Bard just had to make another try….The God paid her no mind. He was by now literally deaf to her words…
ARES " My thought's exactly…."
Tension...tension...suspense...and...bewilderment. ..
XENA "Aphrodite will keep you company…"
One moment later , the Blonde daughter of Zeus was standing at her Brother's side, a very particular gleam in her eyes, her immortal beauty completely restored at the same time that the protective wings of love spread across the world's surface once more….
APHRODITE: "Perfection again!...Finally….! This mortality thing really sucked….!"
ARES: "My Sister gave you back the power to love, Xena….Think about it…Think of the possibilities…."
In response, she just gave him an apologetic smile.
ARES:" I guess you know I'll never stop trying "
XENA "I'd expect nothing else…"
Romantic moment, stupidly interrupted by the visibly excited Love Goddess:
APHRODITE:"Shall we leave these mortals to their business? Come on Bro', let's go home"
...And home they went, hand in hand- and I could bet my life that each and every one of you is thinking right now at the exact same thing that I myself was thinking about back then…incest should be made legal in all countries…
Too bad for the Warrior Princess though…she appears to be quite a decent specimen after all….But hey…not all love stories have happy endings right? "
….And yeah, that was the end of Nigel's article….Quite lame, I know…
Now let me tell you the rest of the story….that following part that could have made that bird brained reporter rich, famous and lovable, a certain part that he couldn't have possibly been aware of on the other hand- one needs to have friends in high places in order to be able to access this type of information- for the shocking scene took place up on Olympus, hours after the Gods' departure….
So…were was I?...