A/N: I am SOOOO sorry for the delay! This chapter kinda REALLY sucks and I am sososososo sorry that the story is lacking, but I have finals coming up and it's all crazy! I promise that I will finish this story and correct all this suckish chapters! I love you guys!

Sirius and I worked with the Order of the Pheonix, it was a society set up by the Dumbledore. He did the field work and I just stayed as a healer, but we also ket or normal jobs.

Sometimes I would just stare at him and think back to Hogwarts, how different things were. But I guess everyone changes, Sirius definitely had, he was more serious now. No pun intended. It was as if he realized that this was our life and it was ending one day at a time, any day now Voldemort could kill him or me. There were no sweet happy moments, it was as if Voldemort was a plague who could not and would not leave us. He was always there, no mater what.

I held back tears every time I had to heal someone new, I saw as some were driven insane by him; some were tortured to the edge of death; but most were simple killed, he was ruthless and those were the lucky ones.

Dumbledore always told us to use his name, not to fear it. But just thinking of the name Voldemort made me want to curl into a ball and cry. It's not so simple to ignore an impending almost pain, he never left and I was slowly being warred away by the thought that he might never be defeated.

Whenever we had a spare moment we were over at Lily and James' house, we would pretend to be happy. Lilly would bake and I would help her, sometimes we'd have a picnic outside. We all knew that we were only thinking about the threat that never left, but we pretended to not remember, we pretended to be safe.

"Honey," I heard Sirius's voice as I sat in the living room with no lights on. I didn't say anything back I just wanted to melt into nothing as the fears ran through my mind. I felt the dark presence there and I knew for a fact that I would destroy that man if it was the last thing I did, "Hayley," he called and I finally looked up, he sat down next to me and gathered me into those strong, protective arms, "I need to go."

"I know." I said putting my face into the side of his neck, "Don't let it get you please."

"I will be back." He said it as a statement, I had known for weeks now that Sirius would be going on a mission but I had pushed it out of my brain. I didn't want to think that he could be hurt or killed. My life without Sirius would be empty.

"James and Lily have arrived." He said and helped me up. I blindly walked to the couple and held back the tears as I knew everyone else in the room was doing.

"James, protect him. Come back to us." I said hugging him goodbye and then running into Sirius's arms. What if he never came back? What would I do? I kept thinking that Sirius wouldn't come back so that maybe I could jinx fate into letting him return to me.

Lily and I stood together, supporting each other as I watched the two men disappear and once they were gone with both broke down into tears. We stayed there for two days, with each other. Crying.

The light went out for me, I no longer saw life the way I used to. Everything seemed to blank out and mesh together, there was no guarantee of anything and all I felt was a coldness next to my heart.

It was on the third day that Lily and I were sitting together and she began to laugh, after only a short amount of time she was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe.

After a little while I too began to laugh, nothing was funny, but it was a real natural laugh and it felt amazing. I had truly missed this, sitting here happy with my best friend. When our laughing had ended I lit a fire and we sat on the couch together.

"I just remember," Lily began, "back in Hogwarts you would've never let yourself feel like this or you would've hidden it."

I smiled at the memory, "I like not hiding it though. It feels so nice to not care and just show how I feel."

"Well I am going to finally go home, they'll be back soon." A smile lit up both of our faces like never before, we knew that we didn't have any longer to wait and that was probably the best feeling ever.

It's weird how much I have changed over not really a long period of time, I yell when I'm mad, cry when I'm sad, laugh when I'm happy, I feel things and don't hide anything. I tell people I love them and believe what I say, I live every day as if it could be my last because it really could be my last.

I wouldn't say I was a better person or happier, but I've changed for what I think to be the better.

I walked Lily to the fireplace and hugged her goodbye, but as we pulled a part an owl dropped a letter in between us.

I picked it up and with shaking hands opened it, I didn't want to read it but I knew that I had to. It said exactly what I feared and I fell to the ground the letter falling out of my limp hands.

No tears fell there wasn't even pain, I was just numb.

James and Sirius were MIA.