SCENE 1:
House sat in silence for a few minutes before he picked up his cell and dialed a familiar number. "Dr. Wilson" the voice on the other end answered.
"Valentino's. Meet me there in 20 minutes."
"Why House? Why you would call me up at 11 at night to ask me to go to a bar across town and…wait a minute…aren't you supposed to be on a date with Cuddy?" Wilson asked with extreme skepticism.
"Aren't you supposed to be on a date with your left hand?" House shot back.
"Must you make wildly inappropriate comments for everything I say and do?"
"As a matter a fact, yes. Now get ready mamma's boy!"
"House, I…" Wilson started to say, but House had already hung up. House stared at his phone while planning out his next move. The thing he was contemplating to do next was probably stupid and would end up make things worse, but when did Greg House ever take the road of least resistance? After assuring himself it was best to take the risk, he picked up his phone and called Rachel.
"Hello," she answered after the 2nd ring.
"Is Cuddy there?" House asked.
"Hey, House! No, she's in the bathroom and told me to wait in the lobby area" Rachel told him. "She looked pretty upset after she got off the phone with you. Is everything ok between you two?"
"No, that's why I'm calling, dummy!"
"What'd you do this time?" she moaned.
"What is it a Cuddy family tradition to automatically blame everything on the ever-so hot Diagnostic doctor before hearing what actually happened?"
"Sorry," Rachel muttered. "So, what did happen?"
"You know how I sometimes take Vicodin, right?"
"Yeah,"
"Well, your stubborn-ass mom broke up with me because she said I'm not allowed to take it to help alleviate my pain."
"You guys broke up? What about the engagement? The wedding? I was supposed to be the flower girl!" Rachel whined.
"It's nice to know that the only reason why you're so upset is because you won't be a flower girl anymore."
"No, that's not true and you know it!" Rachel shouted back. "I'm upset because you and mommy seemed so happy together and now everything's ruined. "
"That's why I'm calling" House said. "I need you to talk your mom into taking me back. Do whatever it takes. Trick her, manipulate her. I don't give a damn."
"What's in it for me?" Rachel asked slyly.
"Glad to see some of me rubbed off on you too" House commented. "Anyway, what do you want?"
"The lastest iPhone" Rachel answered without hesitation.
"Fine," House agreed after an uncomfortably long pause. "You have one week to get us back together and re-engaged or else the deal is off."
"Ok," Rachel said. "I'll try. Listen, I got to go. Mommy's coming"
"Ok," he said. "And Rachel? This conversation; it never happened!" And with that he hung up.
Scene 2:
"Rachel, who was that?" Cuddy asked as she walked over to Rachel.
"Nobody" Rachel lied. "I was just checking my voicemail."
"Rachel, don't lie to me" Cuddy snapped.
"I'm not lying" Rachel said. "Look, can we just go home, please? I'm really tired." Cuddy sighed.
"Fine. But if I find out that you are indeed lying, I'm taking away all phone, TV and computer privileges for a week." Rachel nodded. "Ok, let's go." Rachel obediently followed. She wanted to act extra good so her mom wouldn't suspect anything when she tried to get her and House back together.
"You're awfully quiet" Cuddy noted on the car ride home.
"Just tired" Rachel muttered as she stared out the window.
"This wouldn't have anything to do with that mysterious phone call, would it?" Rachel shook her head. "Contrary to popular belief, I am not an idiot. I can tell whenever you're lying to me. Just keep that in mind."
"Fine," Rachel moaned. "But can you please just drop it? I'm really not in a talkative mood right now."
"Ok, then I'll talk and you'll listen" Cuddy stated. She paused for a second and then continued after Rachel's lack of response. "I was talking with Samantha's mom before and she mentioned that you don't really socialize much in school."
"I talk at lunch and sometimes participate in class. Everything's fine, mommy."
"I know it's not. I wish you would tell me what's on your mind." Rachel sighed.
"I made a promise not to tell anyone."
"Rachel, some promises are meant to be broken. I can't help you if you don't talk to me."
"I don't need your help" Rachel said. "I'm fine and I just want to be left the fuck alone!"
"Watch your mouth!"
"Sorry," she muttered. "I just really don't want to talk about anything. I'm exhausted and can't think straight."
"Fair enough," Cuddy said. "But expect to talk about this first thing tomorrow morning." Rachel nodded. She wasn't happy with that response, but at least she now had time to think up a plan for Operation Hook-up while coming up with an effective cover-up strategy. She mused for a few minutes before the idea of all ideas hit her square in the face.
Scene 3:
House was sitting at a table in Valentino's with Wilson. "So let me get this straight," Wilson began. "You bribed a 12 year old girl with an iPhone so she'd play matchmaker with you and Cuddy?" House took a big gulp from his beer mug and nodded with a smug expression on his face. "I don't know which is more stupid; that or telling Cuddy that you've recently taken Vicodin around Rachel." House was about to respond when his phone rang. He picked it up.
"I'm sorry, this number does not accept calls from idiots at this time. Please try again later."
"House! It's me" Rachel whispered. "Listen, I can't talk long. Mommy is in the shower and I don't know how long she'll be in for."
"Then why are you whispering?" House sassily asked. "I doubt Cuddy has such great hearing that she can hear you over the shower water. But if she does, give her a wolf-whistle for me."
"Whatever, House!" Rachel said in a louder tone of voice. "Anyway, I'm calling to tell you that I've come up with a master plan to get you and mommy back together."
"You better have come up not with just A master plan but THE master plan in order to get away with interrupting boys night out."
"Believe me, I did. So, anyway, what you have to do is write a letter to mommy saying how sorry you are. Tell her that you want to stop taking your medicine more than anything else in the world, but you need her help in order to do so. Then, tell her how much you love her and me, of course. Tell her that you're not perfect. In fact, you are far from it, but you are still willing to do whatever it takes to earn her trust back."
"Yeah, that sounds good" House said. "Why don't you type that up for me, stick it in an envelope mail it to yourself so she thinks it's from me."
"No, you have to write it. It won't work if I write it" Rachel tried to explain. "Look, it's your best shot at getting engaged to her again. And you better listen to what I say because I want that new iPhone you promised me."
"Woah, kid! You work for me which means I call the shots, not you."
"Hey, I lied to mommy on the way home for you and was forced to listen to her lecture about why it's bad to lie and keep secrets! The least you could do is give what I have to say a try. Please? If you're not going to do it for yourself then will you at least do it for me?"
"No, instead why don't you come up with a better plan?" House shot back as he hung up. Rachel hung up her phone and sighed as she fell backwards onto her bed. At this moment, everything in her life seemed hopeless. Rachel wanted nothing more than for the pain to go away and to feel in control of things once more. Rachel knew she couldn't purge because Cuddy still stood by the door every time she went into the bathroom. She needed to think of something more discreet.
Cutting! She would go back to cutting herself. There was no way Cuddy could hear her slicing away at her own skin and she'd do it in a place where the scars would be easy to hide. Rachel jumped off her bed and opened the door, suddenly stopping dead in her tracks. Cuddy was standing right there with her arms folded and her eyes narrowed. Rachel gave her a nervous smile and tried to walk past, but Cuddy grabbed her by the arm, dragged her over to her bed and forcefully sat her down.
"Phone" she curtly said as she placed her hand out. Rachel gave a look of pure bewilderment. "Phone!" Cuddy repeated in a more aggravated tone.
"Huh, but why?" Rachel asked, fearing what her mom's answer was going to be.
"I know about your little deal with House. Wilson txted me a few minutes ago and I heard the tail end of your conversation which confirmed everything for me" Cuddy explained. Rachel just stared at the ground nervously. "You lied to me; now give me your phone." Begrudgingly, Rachel handed it over. "You've also lost all TV and computer privileges for a week except for homework purposes, which I will strictly monitor. But, seriously, I can't believe that you would go behind my back to do something like this and then lie straight to my face about it!"
"But I…"
"Shut up!" Cuddy yelled. "I don't want to hear it. You have 10 minutes to get ready for bed and have your lights turned out. If you don't comply, I will add another week onto your punishment." She stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her before Rachel had a chance to say anything.
10 minutes later, Rachel was in bed with the lights out and, like clock-work, Cuddy came in and checked on her. After making sure that Rachel was indeed in bed, Cuddy shut the door promptly behind her. Rachel was pissed at both House and her mom. She didn't even care about the iPhone anymore. All she cared about was the fact that the only two people in the world she thought she could rely on now hated her. Tears fell from Rachel's face as her body began to shake. Rachel began to hyperventilate and the room started spinning. She wanted to scream out for help, but was afraid her mom would get mad if she did. So Rachel suffered in silence until a high-pitched shriek accidently slipped out of her mouth. Rachel felt like the whole world was closing in on her. She heard her door pop open and then felt someone sit down on the bed next to her.
"Shh! It's ok, sweetheart!" she heard Cuddy say in a soft soothing voice. Cuddy lightly stroked Rachel's back. "Relax! Try and take slow deep breaths." After a minute or so Rachel's breathing had slowed down and she turned towards Cuddy. "You had a panic attack" Cuddy told her. "It's not dangerous in the least, but I do think we need to talk."
"I'm sorry," Rachel muttered. "You must hate me right now and I can't say I blame you. I hate myself right now."
"Don't say that!" Cuddy told her. "You're a wonderful girl. And I'm sorry too for overreacting. I know you were just obeying House's orders and I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at him, however, for dragging you into this mess. You don't deserve to be put through that." She handed Rachel her phone. "You can have this back along with your computer and TV privileges, but if you lie to me again then the punishment is going into effect, understand?" Rachel nodded.
"I'm sorry!"
"Don't be" Cuddy said as she pulled Rachel close to her. Rachel placed her head on Cuddy's shoulder and sobbed as Cuddy lightly stroked her hair. After a couple of minutes, Rachel pulled away and looked Cuddy straight in the eyes.
"You're going to hate me for this but, before I knew you were standing outside my door, I was ready to cut myself again. I just couldn't take the stress of playing matchmaker for House and keeping it all a secret from you. But I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I just wanted everything to work out perfectly and to have a mom and dad like all the other kids at school but, I don't know, I guess I was stupid for thinking that I could magically fix things."
"Do you still want to cut yourself?" Cuddy asked in a concerned manner. Rachel shook her head. "Good!" Cuddy responded. "And you're not stupid for thinking that. It's normal for a child to want both a mom and a dad and you had your hopes up only to have them crushed by House's idiocy." Rachel sighed and glanced down at her comforter. "What is it?" Cuddy asked. "Did I say something wrong?"
"Why are you mad at House for taking prescription medicine for his pain? You let me have pain medicine in the hospital after I got beaten up. Remember?"
"That's different" Cuddy said.
"How?"
"You followed the doctors instructions on how many to take and when to take them. House never once did that." Cuddy paused for a moment before continuing. "Do you know what an addict is?" Rachel nodded.
"Yeah, we learned about drug addiction in health class last year."
"Well, House is a drug addict."
"But he doesn't do weed or meth or anything like that. So how can he be an addict?"
"Just because a drug is legal, doesn't mean it isn't addictive" Cuddy explained. "Look at alcohol. That's considered a drug and it's legal for anyone 21 or older."
"True," Rachel said. "I guess that makes sense. But why can't you help him? After all, you have medical training. What do you have against him?" Cuddy sighed.
"I didn't want to tell you this, Rachel, but 10 years ago House took too much Vicodin and was mad at me for breaking up with him, so he drove his car through the wall of our home." Rachel's mouth dropped. This didn't sound like the House she knew and loved.
"Where was I?"
"At grandma's" Cuddy told her. "Anyway, this was after he had gone to rehab and therapy to try and cure his addiction. Then I gave him another chance just now and he failed. I hate to tell you this, but House is unfortunately beyond being helped."
"So, that's it? You're just going to give up like that?" Rachel shouted. "House needs your help and you're just going to walk away acting as if nothing is wrong? Don't you remember a few months ago when I was addicted to Xanax and the night I overdosed on the pills? You didn't just leave me there to die. No, you helped me through it. How is House's situation any different than mine? How is he any different than me, for that matter?"
"First off, you're my daughter. I'll do anything for you. House, on the other hand, is a former classmate and co-worker of mine. That's it! Also, you came to me and asked for help. I don't recall House ever doing that."
"But I'm not your flesh and blood. Face it! We don't even share one single strand of DNA!" Rachel argued. "I'm no closer to you biologically than House is."
"First off, the law says you're my daughter, regardless of any common DNA or lack of, for that matter. I love you like you were my real daughter" Cuddy told her. "Also, if House decides to come to me for help without any kind of outside influence, then I'll do my best to help him. Though, until then, things are over between me and House. I'm really sorry, Rachel, but the two of us are just going to have to accept that unfortunate fact and move on with our lives." Rachel just sat there, staring at the blue and green polka-dot pattern of her bed sheets. "Are you going to be ok for the rest of the night?" Cuddy asked. Rachel shrugged her shoulders.
"I guess I'm just going to have to be" Rachel said in a not-too-convincing tone.
"No, Rachel. It's ok to feel sad and angry. Holding it in and denying how you really feel is what caused you to hurt yourself in the first place. Let it out. Scream. Punch a pillow. I don't care." Rachel rapped her arms around Cuddy's neck and began to cry.
"I'm just mad at you for not helping House. I think we should work together and try to help him. He probably wants help, but is too ashamed to ask. That's why we have to be proactive by going to help him without him asking."
"I'll sleep on it; how about that?"
"Fair enough!" Rachel responded. "Just as long as you have an open-mind about it." Cuddy nodded.
"I promise you that I will." Rachel smiled.
"I'm feeling fine now, but I am kind of tired. Do you mind if I just go to sleep now?" Cuddy nodded as she stood up.
"Of course" she said as she walked towards the door. "Come get me if you need anything." Cuddy opened the door and shut it behind her. Rachel laid her head back and closed her fatigued eyes.
Scene 4:
House awoke the next day with a throbbing headache. He sat up, rubbing his aching head and looked around. He was back on the couch of his and Wilson's apartment. House looked at the clock on the coffee table next to him. Crap! He had slept until 1pm and he had to be at work by 9am. "Screw it!" House thought to himself. "I'm calling in sick!" He called up the hospital.
"Hello, Dr. Forman."
"I'm sick. Cough! Cough!" House faked. "I'm not going to be coming in this weekend."
"And you waited until 4 hours after your shift started to tell me this?"
"Hey, at least I called" House whined. "And I expect compensation for these two days off. Oh, I know. How about a month of no clinic duty?"
"House it doesn't work like that!" Forman said, getting extremely agitated. "You are not getting compensation for two sick days that you decided to take off. And you're not getting paid for them either."
"But…"
"Goodbye, House!" Forman hung up. Normally House would have called Cuddy and tried to get her to make some sort of deal with Forman (which she never did, by the way), but he knew that he couldn't do that now. She was the reason he had a hangover, in the first place, and couldn't make it into work. After getting dressed and washed up, House decided to call Rachel in order to see if she came up with anymore ideas regarding getting both him and Cuddy back together.
"Hello," Rachel answered.
"Hey kiddo! It's me." House said. "You better have conjured up a brilliant plan to get Cuddy and me back together."
"Um…yeah, mommy said that she doesn't want me talking to you anymore" Rachel nervously explained.
"And how did she find out about our conversations?"
"Wilson txted her" Rachel explained. "I swear! I didn't say anything." That was it! House was going to kill Wilson the second he got home.
"Is Cuddy around?"
"No. She ran out to the grocery store to pick up some things."
"Good, than there's no need for her to find out about this conversation. With that said, get talking, missy."
"I'm sorry, House, but I don't feel comfortable going behind mommy's back. I've put her through more than enough lately" Rachel explained. "If you have anything else to say, call her and not me!" Rachel said, hanging up the phone.
"Damn it!" House muttered under his breath. "Why is everyone hanging up on me today?" The last person on House's calling list was Wilson.
"Dr. Wilson; Oncology"
"Wilson, call Cuddy and tell her to stop by my place."
"First of all technically it's my place since I'm the one who pays the rent each month" Wilson shot back. "And second of all, I'm not getting involved in your relationship drama."
"Pussy," House muttered. "Call Cuddy up!"
"No!"
"God damn it Wilson! Call Cuddy up!" House yelled. "Call her! Call her! Call her! Call her! Call…"
"If I call her, will you hang up the phone and leave me alone?"
"Yes," House said. "Tell her to come over around 3 today and that she can bring the little brat of hers if she wants."
"House, I don't think Cuddy would appreciate you calling her daughter…"
"Call her! Call her! Call…"
"Okay, I'm calling!" Wilson said as he furiously hung up the phone.
Scene 5:
Rachel was sitting at the kitchen table, working on an English essay, when Cuddy walked through the front door. "Rachel, I have a lot of packages in the car. Can you give me a hand?"
"Sure" Rachel said as she got up and went to help her mom. After everything was out of the car and put away, Rachel sat back down to finish her essay. "Mommy?" Cuddy looked up. "Have you ever read 'Lord of the Flies'?" Cuddy nodded.
"Why?"
"I have to write an essay about it and I don't understand what's going on in the book."
"When's it due?"
"Monday," Rachel answered.
"When'd you get the assignment?"
"Yesterday," Rachel said. "We started reading the book about a week and a half ago and we have to write a 2-3 page essay saying what we would do if we were put in that situation. I don't even know what the situation is!"
"I'll help you in a little bit. Ok sweetie?"
"Sure, I'll just work on something else for now" Rachel responded. "Let's see, I have 20 math problems, I have to fill in a map of the U.S., House called me before and I have to read …"
"Hold on!" Cuddy interjected. "When did House call you?"
"While you were at the store. I told him that he wasn't allowed to talk to me and then I hung up on him."
"Good," Cuddy told her. "What'd he say?"
"He wants me to play matchmaker and told me that and I quote, 'better have conjured up a brilliant plan'."
"And that's when you told him not to talk to you?" Rachel nodded. "Good. I'm proud of you, sweetie." Cuddy told her. "How long have you been working on your homework?" she asked, trying to change the subject and take Rachel's mind off things.
"About an hour."
"Why don't you take a break and go walk Sophie around the block?"
"Ok!" Rachel exclaimed as she jumped up and went to find Sophie. As soon as Rachel and Sophie had left, Cuddy called House.
"House's house of…"
"What the hell were you thinking?" Cuddy shouted into the phone.
"Let's see. I was just thinking about how hot you'd look in a pink push-up bra with matching lace thongs and…"
"You know what I mean!" Cuddy said in a slow, but livid tone. "Why the hell did you call Rachel?"
"The little brat told you?"
"Don't you dare call her…"
"Oh, relax, Cuddy" House told her. "I was just joking. Rachel doesn't care whether or not I tease her, so there's no reason why you should either."
"Do you even know how upset you made Rachel last night? She wanted to cut herself again after getting off the phone with you! The girl has been through more than enough and I don't need you adding onto her already generous supply of agony." Cuddy was practically screaming by now.
"Look is there a point to this conversation because Doctor Who is on in three minutes?"
"You know what? Watch your precious little show. Apparently that's more important than Rachel's well-being. And to think I was stupid enough to believe that you actually gave a damn about her."
"Cuddy, I…" House started to say.
"Don't you dare say that you actually do care about her because I know you're just trying to lie your way back into this relationship. You know what? I don't even know why I bothered to call you. It's not even like I can reason with your stubborn ass!"
"So, I was thinking I could move my stuff into your place tomorrow."
"Goodbye, House!" Cuddy said. She was about to hang up when House began to speak.
"Look, Cuddy. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard, but I suck at relationships. Ok? And if you never want to forgive me or speak to me again, that's fine, but don't you dare put words into my mouth and say that I don't care about Rachel." Cuddy was speechless. House was actually being sincere for once.
"Fine, I forgive you, for Rachel's sake" Cuddy curtly said. "But I won't ever forget. Maybe we'll make it as a couple and maybe we won't. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Let's just take it slow for now and just be friends. No commitments or anything of the sort."
"Well, at least it's a start" House said. "So, is Rachel doing ok now?"
"Yeah," Cuddy responded. "She's taking Sophie out for a walk now."
"That's good. I'll talk to you later, I guess."
"Better yet," Cuddy said in a more cheerful tone. "Why don't you come over here for dinner tonight? Say 6pm?"
"It's a date" House answered.
"It certainly is!"