11.05.1996
I knew I never should have done it. I screwed my whole life up, just like Nick said that I would. I spent so much time on my little pet project that I sort of forgot to do the kind of things that could actually get published. You go for a while without getting published in this business, and you run out of grants. I held on as long as I could, trying to work on some side project to keep me afloat.
I remember my dad once said that the truth was the only drug that a person ever needed, and he was right. So no matter how hard I tried to avoid searching for truth, that is where my time went.
Publishing it was a last ditch effort. I thought if I published it, I might get another grant. At the very least, it got me into the conference. By the time that rolled around, I had been living in my office for almost two months. It was better than some of the foster homes I stayed at, but I knew it wasn't going to last. The grants were gone. The savings were gone. I was done with clinging on to a profession which wasn't paying me.
So I come out with my theory, like a giant revelation. I back it up with such careful evidence, that I don't see how it can be disputed. I am careful, oh so careful, to keep my hypothesis to what I know.
The pyramids are from a time before Egypt is supposed to exist.
The language and religion of Ancient Egypt is a copy of an older language.
Then, going back to my previous work, cultures on different continents interacted with one another, and spread their ideas.
Like a good scientist, I stick to the facts, let the conclusions be drawn by those braver than I.
-0-
When Catherine pulled me into the car I may have acted all stubborn, but it was the same kind of stubborn that kept me from bonding with all my foster parents all those years.
Yep, ever since Dr. Moon abandoned me I have had to be my own psychologist.
Well, when Catherine invited me into the car there was a moment of connection that I couldn't deny. It was like when Ms. Woods looked me in the eye (without all the creepy pre-adolescent romance). I just knew that this was a great opportunity.
07.11.1996
And now for that famous line: I'm never going to get paid.
18.11.1996
Stars! How simple could it get! The answer is that it's not a language, it's constellations!
20.11.1996
I can't believe that I solved in two weeks what it took them two years to solve. Maybe I have finally found something that I am good at.
Never mind about finally being good at something. I prepared for the whole "briefing" thing like it was going to be a grant proposal. Well, let me tell you that there were a lot more people here than would be here for a grant proposal. I don't even have enough visuals to hand out to every person.
I didn't know what I am supposed to say. I didn't know how I am supposed to act. I bumbled through the whole thing talking fast so that no-one cut me off before I get to the punch line.
None of it matters, though, because I am right, and here nothing matters so long as you are right.
Day One on Abydos
It was a bluff. I got them to come across the country on a bluff. I have no idea how to get us home, but I was so sure that I would be able to figure it out. Now I'm not so sure.
Day Two on Abydos
Married? I asked her. I couldn't believe it. I had never even imagined that someone would marry me.
I don't suppose it ever would have happened if it wasn't an accident.
She's beautiful, and it is so hard for me to keep being a gentleman about this whole thing. She wants so badly for us to be together, sexually. She thinks there is something wrong for a married couple that doesn't do that. But, it's just strange. I mean, she was given as a present, and I don't want to take advantage of her. How long is long enough?
Jesus, if she keeps making noises like that in her sleep it wouldn't be much longer. If only I'd spent more time learning about romance, then it wouldn't be so hard.
-0-
Don't leave without me, I beg you, Jack. Enough people have left me no more.
8th Day, 3rd Moon, Dry Season*
Well, I shouldn't have worried so much about when the perfect time came. It was clear enough when it arrived. She was asking me about her world, and I was telling her. She was nestled between my legs, and I was playing with her curly hair.
I hadn't told her anything about my childhood yet. I wasn't really excited for her to know that her husband was a loser. But she asked me some question, and I was so distracted by her… her smell, the feel of her soft soft skin… that I answered with honesty.
Then she looked at me, but it wasn't that hard look of sympathy that I was used to. It was more like the look that Dr. Moon gave me. A look more of understanding and empathy than pity. There was something else in the corner of the look, and it was a bit hard to name - hope, maybe.
And I knew, it was time to make her my wife for real.
12th Day, 3rd Moon, Dry Season
I was crowded close to the fire, trying to use the light to work on my English/Abydonian dictionary, and she stared at me from the bed. "Daniel, do the people on your planet never sleep?"
"Well, our sleep patterns are a little different than yours, because our days are shorter," I responded, without even looking up.
"You also work very hard on your planet," she complains.
"That's more of a Daniel thing than an Earth thing," I say, still not looking up.
The silence is what makes me finally make eye contact with her. "What is it?" I ask, putting the book aside.
"When I give you children, will you still look at the books forever?" she asks softly. We've only been married for a month, and already she's distressed that there isn't a little one on the way.
I stand up, and walk over to her. "Oh, my Sha're. I am so sorry if you feel like you've been ignored. You don't have to have my kids to get my attention. I'll pay attention to you right now."
She smiles at me paying down in my lap, "Danyel, tell me of the times when you longed for family."
I run my hand gently though her hair, thinking about how she is longing for family in much the same way that I used to be. Expect I was longing for parents, and she is longing for children.
21th Day, 1rd Moon, Wet Season
She's avoiding me. I know why. She does this every month when she finds out she's not giving me a baby. She thinks that I'm going to be mad at her, or maybe worse, that I'm going to stop loving her, slowly.
"Sha're," I say slowly as I come up behind her in the cave. She doesn't turn toward me, or really do anything to show that she sees me. I run my fingers through the curly hair of hers. "Honey, it's going to be ok."
She just turns to me and looks at me with pain. "Sha're, I'm so sorry. If there is anything that…"
"Let's not talk about it," she says.
She needs a distraction. "Okay, then, will you help me with my dictionary? Teach me more words of your language?"
She looks through me. I'm used to people looking through me as if I wasn't there, but I'm not used to that from my wife.
"It's going to happen, Sha're, but sometimes it happens easier if you aren't trying so hard."
I hold out my arms to her, and she goes into them.
Is life only longing? Is there never a time when you have achieved all that you have been longing for?
21st Day, 3rd Moon, Wet Season
A Kleenex box. Jack is coming back for me. I knew that I could count on him. Here on Abydos, I have friends and family for the first time that I can remember. But I can always do with more.
22nd Day, 3rd Moon, Wet Season
When Jack arrives, I greet him, but he doesn't even acknowledge that I exit. He just walks past me like he doesn't even see me, even though we bump shoulders in the process, and he gives Skaara a big hug.
Afterwards, he comes back to talk to me. I know that this is meant as some kind of guy bonding thing, but it hurts a whole lot more than I care to admit.
-0-
My theory about the planets moving is correct, at least according to Captain Dr. Carter. I really like being right.
-0-
Sha're is gone. Jack says we'll find her. If anyone can, he can.
-0-
I have to make the General let me go through the gate.
But he sees me, and he knows that I have nothing to offer. I can't fool him like I did General West.
-0-
She looks at me though my wife's eyes, but she is not my wife. She is moving my wife around, making all of her choices with me.
Something of the host must survive.
Oh, what a selfish thought that is! For her sake, if I only cared about her, I would hope that nothing would be left of her. She could be blissfully in field of rushes, or heaven, or nothingness, or whatever comes next.
But I want her to still be inside, because I want her to still be here on Earth with me.
But if something of the host survives, then whatever part that survives lives in eternal torment.
So my wish is selfish.
*Abydonian dating used in this chapter
-0-
Jack's Smart Blond Joke:
How do you keep a blond busy?
Give her a Stargate.