Harvey's plan on changing things around the condo didn't get off to a great start. Mike was frustrated and looked exhausted then Harvey came to get him out of bed.
"Did you sleep at all?" Harvey had to ask him.
"Not really." Mike answered.
"How come?"
"I have nightmares, if you must know." Mike said shortly and refused to look at him.
"You do? I didn't know that."
"Well, it's not like you have asked."
Harvey nodded. "No, you are right. I haven't. I should have though Mike."
Mike looked up at him now. He looked a bit surprised. "Okay…" He said.
However Mike didn't like the fact that Harvey was leaving. He didn't say it right out that he wanted Harvey to stay but the older man was pretty good at reading people. It didn't help that he told Mike that he would be back again after his meeting.
"You know what Harvey? I don't care when you are back. You can come and go as you want."
"Oh I can? How generous of you." Harvey said dryly. Mike just sighed and looked away.
Twenty minutes later Mike heard how Harvey closed the door behind him and he was yet again alone. He was disappointed at Harvey even though it somehow felt like he shouldn't be. It was just that yesterday had been a good day and he had felt better hanging out with Donna. She made him feel a little bit more normal. He had felt a bit like himself again.
That was over now though and he felt like shit again. He was angry. Harvey was an ass for leaving. Why couldn't he have had Donna to come over at least? But no, he would have to sit here alone the entire day. He had been thinking a bit about asking Harvey if he could come with him back to work soon. He felt like he was ready for that now. Or he wasn't really sure that he was, but maybe he could come for just a visit. He missed being at work and he even missed the actual work. However if he was honest he didn't think he would be able to focus on cases at the moment, if he could care.
He just sat there in his wheelchair now. He didn't know what to do. He should do something to entertain himself or at least to keep his mind busy, but he just couldn't figure it out what that would be. If he only had the use of both his arm he would actually be able to leave the condo. At least maybe to just go around the block or something. There would be so many things he would be able to start doing as soon as he got two arms again. He would become more independent and that would lead to him feeling less humiliated. He was pretty sure of that. He so looked forward to that.
As for now he wasn't sure if he would be able to get anywhere with only his one functioning arm. He could get around somewhat now but it was a slow process and honestly it hurt some to do it.
No, he could just sit around here in the condo for now. It was really all he could do, he didn't have anywhere else to go. He couldn't go home again now and not just because of his inability to walk, but also because Rachel had ended it. He still had his things over there in their apartment, the one he had bought for his grandma that she never got to see. Now he would never see it again either. He didn't want to think about it. He suddenly felt like he wanted to cry.
He managed to get out on the balcony for a while. He felt that it calmed him some to sit there and look out over the city. He sat there for a couple of hours. He didn't bother to come up with something else to do.
Harvey had left at a weird time. It had been too early to have lunch but now it was getting late and he was starting to get hungry. He should go in and make something for himself but he didn't bother. He would only get disappointed or pissed if he wasn't able to do everything he wanted, like getting butter into a pan or reach the glasses.
-SUITS-
Harvey was almost late to his meeting with the client. It was his own fault but Mike hadn't helped. He had stayed at home a bit too long just because of Mike, it just hadn't felt good to leave him. Then it had been traffic.
Jessica was on the meeting as well since she had stepped in to lend a hand on this case since Harvey had been away so much lately. Harvey arrived after the client did and he could tell right away on Jessica's expression upon seeing him that she wasn't pleased with him.
The meeting went well and the client was satisfied when he left, Jessica however wasn't. She stopped him when Harvey made a move to get up and leave the room.
"Harvey I would like a word with you."
"Sure, about what?"
"I think you know what it is about." She said and Harvey was pretty sure he did know.
"When are you planning on coming back full time?" Jessica asked.
"You know I can't do that yet."
"Because of that damn kid?"
"Mike was injured on the job."
"I know that Harvey, he was but not you. I'm just saying that you are letting this go out over your work at the firm too much."
"I'm handling all of my clients and you know that." Harvey defended himself, Jessica wouldn't have it though.
"You know damn well Harvey that both Louis and I are covering for you."
Harvey clenched his teeth. "And I appreciate that, but Mike…"
"You are letting him rule your life, Harvey! Is he even making any progress, or is he just sitting there in your condo?"
"He is not ruling my life! And he is doing the best he can?"
"And what exactly has he done to improve his situation?" Jessica continued. "As I understand it he is refusing to accept help from a care facility."
"It's a rehabilitation center and he is not ready to go there yet? And what would you have me do? Just throw him in there so I would be free to work on my cases."
"That's not what I'm saying and you know it. I'm just asking if he ever will be ready if you serve him everything he needs?"
"That's enough Jessica. I'm not serving him anything, I'm helping him…"
But he was interrupted. Jessica must had sensed that he was losing his patients because she backed down.
"I'm just saying that you might want to think about a more permanent situation for the both of you, Harvey. But I know it's not easy."
"Fine. Are we done?" Harvey wanted this conversation over. Now. Jessica nodded and Harvey left without a word. He walked straight to his office and sat down at his desk. He did his best to ignore Donna's questioning look.
He rubbed his face a bit and leaned his head in his hands for just a moment. Damn it. He kind of had expected this from Jessica. Maybe even sooner. He knew she didn't appreciate to have her workload increased because of Mike of all people. Now he couldn't really help but find some truth in what she had been telling him. They were at a standstill right now. Mike wasn't really doing that much better and it didn't seem like he was eager to do anything about his situation either. Sure Harvey could understand that he was in a difficult position but still, shouldn't Mike start to accept his situation soon and start to move forward with his life?
He ended up staying two more hours at the office to get some other work done. He left when Donna came into his room and just stood in front of his desk.
"Yes, fine Donna. I'm leaving."
"Remember what we talked about yesterday Harvey." She warned him.
"Yes, I remember. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
When he got home he found that Mike was in a weird mood. He glared at Harvey when he stepped into the door.
"It's about time." Harvey heard him mumble. "What took you so long?" He said louder.
"I had some work to do after the meeting." Harvey said.
"Okay. I want to lay down." Mike said.
"Fine." Harvey muttered and helped him lay on the couch. Mike closed his eyes when he was laying.
"When are we eating?" Mike asked next as he opened his eyes and looked at Harvey.
"When the dinner is ready." Harvey said and left for his bedroom to change.
"When is that then?" Mike called after him, but he didn't answer. He was annoyed at Mike now. He just expected Harvey to come home and make him dinner? Mike had been home the entire day, he could have made himself something. He wasn't totally paralyzed.
Mike laid on the couch and heard how Harvey walked away without answering him. He was really hungry now. It felt really good to be laying down though. About three hours after Harvey had left his back really started to hurt and he wasn't able to do much about it, since it didn't really help to change positions in the wheelchair. He had taken a few pills though. They should help.
It took almost an hour before Harvey came back in the living room. Mike had wanted to call for him but hadn't done it. Somehow he felt like Harvey was kind of pissed at him. Harvey hadn't looked him in the eyes since he got home.
Mike didn't say anything when Harvey walked pass him to the kitchen. He felt his stomach turn a bit. Maybe he could join Harvey in the kitchen and offer to help him with something.
"Can you help me up?" Mike asked.
"It's better if you just stay there." Harvey told him.
"For who? You or what?"
"You just asked to lay down Mike."
"Yeah, but that was because my back was hurting from sitting in that damn chair all day."
"So are you saying that that's my fault?" Harvey asked.
"A little your fault, yes. You were gone longer than you said."
"I was doing my job."
"Whatever. Just get me up now!" Mike exclaimed.
Harvey considered his options. He wanted to tell Mike a couple of things, but he also thought about the conversation he and Donna had had yesterday. So he swallowed his anger and walked over to the couch.
Harvey didn't say anything he just took a hold of Mike's arm and heaved him upright. He wasn't that gently when he put Mike down in the chair and Mike wanted to curse at him. It actually hurt a bit and he ended up to far out on the chair. But he didn't want to make things worse and now it seemed like Harvey didn't want to touch him longer than necessary.
Mike's desire to help out in the kitchen was long gone so he just rolled over to the kitchen table to wait. Harvey didn't say a word to him until he had the food on the table and sat down himself in front of Mike.
"Do you want me to cut it?" He asked now. Mike felt how he blushed as he looked at his plate with chicken and rise. He was allowed to eat normal food again now but he hadn't mastered the art of cutting his food with one hand. Harvey usually did it for him.
Mike reluctantly nodded.
"So, I've been thinking a bit Mike." Harvey said when they almost had finished the dinner.
"About what?"
"Well…" Harvey stalled a bit. He didn't know how to bring this up without them arguing. "I've been thinking a bit about the nearest future."
"What about it?" Mike asked. He wasn't sure if he liked where this was going.
"I don't want you to take this the wrong way but I was thinking that it is time to do something about your situation."
"What do you mean my situation?"
"I mean the fact that you are not really making that much progress here. Just sitting around here."
Mike stared at him. What the hell was Harvey going on about? He asked Harvey.
"I had a talk with Jessica today and she isn't that happy about me being away this much."
"So what? You feel like I'm keeping you away from work?"
"Well, Mike. You kind of are. Aren't you? I'm not saying that I don't want to help you out, I'm just saying that it might be time for you to start with helping yourself out."
"What are you talking about?" Mike repeated. "I'm paralyzed! My arm is broken! What the hell can I do?"
"You know there is help that you can get."
"The center?! Are you serious?" Mike felt himself starting to shake and his chest felt tight. "I've told you I'm not going there!"
"I know that, but Mike. This isn't really working for you is it? Just sitting around here all day with nothing changing. That's not you, that's not who you are."
Harvey meant it as encouraging, but at Mike's expression it was pretty clear that the younger man didn't take it as such.
"I'm doing the best I can!" Mike almost yelled at him now.
"I don't think you are though Mike." Harvey forced his voice to remain calm.
Mike was breathing heavily and just started at him now. He blinked rapidly a few times. He couldn't believe that Harvey was saying this to him. He had thought that Harvey was on his side with all of this. Apparently not anymore. He felt betrayed.
"You know what? I'm leaving. I don't want to hear this right now." Mike announced then and started to push himself away from the table. He had some trouble getting out and around a chair that stood next to him and he felt himself grow frustrated at his inability to leave as fast as he wanted.
The chair fell to the floor with a loud bang, but Mike didn't care. It felt kind of good, he had to admit to himself. It had hindered him to getting around it. Not that it was so much better now.
"What the hell are you doing?" Harvey's tired voice behind him.
"Nothing." Mike managed to get around it.
"Pick it up!"
"No." Mike went on his way towards the couch and his phone on the table.
"Mike what the hell is your problem? I don't appreciate you throwing my stuff on the floor."
"It was in the way. Don't put it there then."
"It's a chair. It's next to the table. Where it belongs."
"I don't care. I couldn't get around it with it there."
"Well, it was there before you." Harvey said looking over towards Mike. His patience with Mike was running low at the moment.
"So?"
"God damn it Mike!" Harvey exclaimed.
"What Harvey? What's your problem? It's just a chair. Pick it up yourself if it's so important."
"You don't talk like that to me in my own house Mike. I'm warning you here."
"Oh, you are warning me, are you? Am I supposed to be scared?" Mike rolled his eyes and started to roll off again, but Harvey stepped in front of him to stop him.
"You don't get to walk away from this conversation." Harvey started. Mike huffed.
"Walk huh?"
"Stop that right now, you know exactly what I mean."
Mike glared at him. "What do you want to have a conversation about then?"
He wasn't interested at all in having any conversation. He had a feeling that this wasn't going to end well. He could tell that Harvey was rather pissed, but so was he and he didn't want to back down.
"Now we are going to have a conversation about your behavior. You got to stop acting like this. I have had enough of it!"
Mike rolled his eyes and looked away.
"Mike! Look at me when I'm talking to you!"
"Fine!" he exclaimed. "What do you want me to do then huh? You want me to go around and pretend like everything is fine and that this will all be better if I just do whatever you tell me. You want me to pretend that I'm fine with all of this?"
"I want you to stop acting like a damn idiot all the time! You are under my God damn roof and the least you can do is to act civil."
"Your God damn roof… you asked me to live with you! Have you forgotten that or what?"
"No I haven't…"
"I bet you changed your mind as soon as I stepped in here, right? You just felt guilty because you wasn't there when I needed you. So that's why you letting me live here isn't it?"
Mike was practically yelling at this point. He didn't know why he said all these things. He had thought it a bunch of times but now he threw it in Harvey's face. He didn't want to do that. He was afraid of the answer he could get.
But Harvey just rolled his eyes at him. "You're talking bullshit right now Mike and you should just stop. You know damn well why I'm letting you live here. And besides it's not like you have anywhere else to go, is there? So I would be careful if I were you."
"And what if I'm not? What will you do? You are just waiting for an excuse to get rid of me, are you? I'm disturbing you're life aren't I? I bet you can't wait to get rid of me huh?"
"Well, honestly Mike, you are not the most pleasant house guest. So…"
Mike didn't know what to answer to that. He suddenly didn't have a comeback. It just hurt to hear Harvey actually say it. Sure Mike had set it up for Harvey to admit it but still, it hurt.
"Well, unfortunately for you, you are stuck with me." He said eventually and was proud of the fact that he could keep his voice even.
Mike tried to roll pass Harvey again but he didn't move. Harvey on his part was kind of proud of himself for managing to keep himself somewhat together because he had had suppressed and urge to just tell Mike what he really thought. But he didn't want to leave the conversation like this.
"Oh so you thought we were done there huh? We are not. I want you to start getting your act together if you are going to continue living here. I'm done with how you act and talk Mike, do you hear me?"
Mike felt himself go cold at Harvey's words. Was he seriously threatening with throwing him out? Damn him for that! The words just flew out of him.
"You know what? I don't fucking care Harvey. I'll act however I want, and if you have a problem with that, it's your problem isn't?"
"Well, have you ever thought of that this, the way you act is the reason why people don't want to be around you? Why Rachel couldn't stand you!? So I'd say it's very much your problem."
Harvey briefly closed his eyes when his last words left his mouth. Maybe that was taking it a little too far. He could see that they hit Mike hard.
Mike had been on his way to yell something back, but Harvey's words stopped him and made him flinch. Against his will he felt how his eyes started to burn. Damn it! He wouldn't be able to stop it. Those words had hurt more than the others and it felt like he was close to not being able to take much more. He wanted this conversation done with now.
"Leave!" he yelled at the older man. He wasn't going to break down in front of Harvey. He just wasn't. Not like this.
"Leave! Get out!" He yelled again when Harvey didn't move.
"That's enough!" Harvey yelled back. "You don't get to fucking order me out of my own damn house. I've had it! You are the one that's fucking leaving. I'm sick of your damn behavior!"
And before Mike had time to react Harvey grabbed his wheelchair and started to push him towards the door.
"No! Harvey! What are you doing?" He screamed. He tried to grab the wall, but couldn't hold on with his left hand when Harvey just pushed him forwards. Harvey teared the front door open and pushed him out the door.
"Get the hell out of here. You are not welcome here anymore!" Then he stepped back and closed the door violently behind Mike.
Mike sat as frozen and tried to get some breaths in. What had just happened? What happened? It was hard to draw in breaths, he was so tense. It took him a minute for that shock to pass. Then it was like something just snapped for him and the realization of what happened came over him. Tears immediately came even though he hated himself for it. However the anger towards Harvey overwhelmed everything else. Damn Harvey! He was going to leave then if he wasn't welcome here, he didn't know where he would go he just needed to get away from here. He awkwardly managed to get over to the elevator, his broken arm aching from the strain of getting the wheelchair forward. He wasn't supposed to use it this much. But before he pushed the button he remembered that he didn't have his wallet. Damn! He wouldn't be able to do anything without it.
He got himself back to Harvey's door. It took him way longer than he would have liked but he angrily hit the door, legs first. Although he didn't feel it.
"Open up!" He yelled. "Harvey, open the door! I need my wallet!"
Nothing.
He hit at the door as hard as he could and yelled again. He was losing it, he felt so angry. "Open!"
"What the hell is your problem!?" Harvey yelled and opened the door so suddenly Mike pushed himself back in surprise.
Mike blinked a few times. "I need my wallet!" he got out when he found his voice.
"Fine." Harvey disappeared. He came back a moment later looking furious.
"I don't get you! How can you do this to me?" Mike said.
"It's easy." Harvey said coldly and then threw the wallet at him, however Harvey's aim were a bit off since he was trying to avoid to hit the door. Mike reached out and tried to catch it with his right hand just as Harvey closed the door. He missed. His cast reached down along his fingers and he wasn't able to grab it properly. It fell to the ground just as the door closed with a loud thump.
"No…" Mike mumbled. "No!" He then screamed. "Harvey! Damn it!"
He tried to reach for it, to pick it up. It was laying right between the wheel of the chair and the wall. He angrily moved around to get a better angle. His fingertips touched it. He swore. He needed to turn around and reach with his left hand. He couldn't pick it up with his right.
He shook from anger and humiliation. Damn Harvey. How hard had it been to just give it to him? He refused to knock on the door again and ask Harvey to pick it up for him. He jerkily manage to get himself facing the right way. He swore multiple times when the wall was in the way. He was so upset that he didn't allow himself the time to do this properly. He just wanted to get away from here. Now!
He yelled in frustration as he reached down to grab his wallet off the floor. It happened before he had time to react much to prevent it. In his rush he was not careful enough and put too much of his weight to the side because the next thing he knew the whole wheelchair tipped over to the side! He had been slightly too far away and had leaned too much to the side. He ended up sprawled on the floor with the chair next to him, tipped over.
NO!
This wasn't happening! He couldn't believe that this happened. It couldn't be true. He did not just lay outside Harvey's door without any means of getting up without help. It wasn't happening.
At first he just laid there trying to understand what had happened. He was a bit dazed since he had managed to bang his head into the wall just as he fell. His left shoulder hurt a bit as well. His right leg was on top of his left and he was almost on his stomach. After a moment of just laying there he was ready to deal with the situation. He swore out loud again as he propped himself up on his elbow. This would have been so much easier if he had been on his right side instead, or if he had two functioning arms. He pushed the wheelchair a bit away from him, he was almost laying on it. It was behind him and he realized that that was also a huge problem. How would he be able to rise it up again? He did a weak attempt with his right arm but it was too heavy. He could do it with his left arm. He needed to turn around.
He managed to sit up on his side supporting himself with his arm. But his legs were twisted, right over left. He tried to lift it over to be able to sit up properly. Turns out that he couldn't! His right foot hindered him and got caught in his left one like a hook, and he couldn't use both hands without falling over. He tried. He yelled out as he tried again. It didn't work! He couldn't do it. His legs where just there as a heavy dead weight, taunting him, hindering him. Destroying him. He tried again and again. He started crying out of frustration. Not caring how it made him look. But no matter how much he tried he couldn't lift it. That was until he laid down again and then violently threw his upper body to the side. He was then able to sit up normally and lift his leg right. He sat there, panting and feeling stupid for a while. He saw his wallet mockingly laying next to him. He found himself picking it up and pressing it to his chest as some sort of comfort.
He was crying. He couldn't help it. He just felt so bad now when he realized that he was on the floor outside Harvey's apartment. He didn't know where he would go now, if he could manage to get up in his wheelchair again that was.
Rachel didn't want anything to do with him, as Harvey had reminded him of. At this point he didn't care though, if he could have gotten up there he would have gone to their apartment. But right now that wasn't an option. He didn't have anywhere else to go. But he needed to get away from here that was for sure. He couldn't be here. Harvey didn't want him here. He had actually thrown him out. Harvey had thrown him out even though he knew about Mike's situation. Sure Mike had been an ass, but still, throwing him out was just cruel.
He had nothing. Nothing at all. He couldn't take care of himself. Dark thoughts came to him. He didn't see any light in his life. He was alone and helpless. And now, he had behaved so badly that Harvey, the only one that had helped him had gotten sick of him. Mike had screwed up only good thing he had going. Suddenly he didn't want to do it anymore. What was the point? He wanted to give up. This was all too much now.
But that thought scared him. Did he really want to die? Was that what he wanted? Not really. But he wanted this to end. He wanted things to go back to the way there were before. If that couldn't happen? He wanted it to end.
He needed to stop this. What was he doing? Sitting here crying? He suddenly remembered that he was outside Harvey's apartment. What if he heard him? No, he couldn't have Harvey coming out seeing him like this. He was humiliated enough. He needed to get away from here. Anywhere else would be better. A hotel, yes, he would go to some hotel. If he just could get up in the wheelchair and out of the building he could get a cab somehow and go. Yes, that was a plan. He would do that.
First task, getting back in his chair. He just stared at it in despair as soon as he got it upright. There was no way he would be able to do this! Just no way. He started to cry again as he did a weak attempt. He tried again and again to heave himself up in it somehow, but he was just too far down. Once in his attempts it tipped over him. He had screamed then and hit at it. Pushed it away with all he could and just let himself sink down onto the floor. He couldn't do it! He gave up at that point. He was on his back, wishing he wasn't. He felt exposed. He felt so low that he didn't think he ever had felt worse. His chest heaved. He was hurting so badly. He cried. He had a headache. His right arm hurt.
He didn't know where it came from, but he wanted his mum. He wanted to scream out for her, but didn't. He longed for her presence, her support, in a way he hadn't in years, not since he was a child. But now… oh what he would give to have her here now. To have her help, have her calm him down, and maybe tell him that it all would be alright.
When thoughts of his mum filled up his mind he just hated himself. Why did he have to think of her on top everything? He whispered the word a few times. He wanted to scream. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to scream, rage and destroy. He wanted that to help. Everything was his legs fault. It was all because of his legs, or their lack of function. And also the cast around his arm. He didn't know where it came from but he lifted his casted arm and he banged it with all he had down into the floor. He did it again even though pain seared through it. From somewhere he got the strength to heave himself upright and remain sitting. He stared at his legs. He hated them. He hit them. First the left and then the right. He would have done it with his right arm as well, but it was hurting so much now that he couldn't move it.
He hit his legs again, again and again. His fist hurt, ached. He felt nothing on his legs. He couldn't feel a thing, but he knew that he hit so hard that they must be bruised. He hit harder and harder. He found himself screaming every time he did. The world in front of him was getting blurry. Tears were streaming down his face. He was losing control, but didn't care. He wanted to hit until he felt something there. If he just hit hard enough, then maybe, just maybe he would feel something. Anything!
"MIKE! Mike! Mike! Stop it! Stop it right now!" He suddenly registered Harvey's voice behind him. He felt Harvey's hands on his shoulder. Harvey was behind him trying to grab hold of his arm to stop him from hitting himself. When he felt Harvey's body lean over him from behind trying to hold his arm still he fought with everything he had to get him off of him. He struggled wildly. He screamed. He sobbed. He cursed.
But it didn't help. Harvey was stronger than he was. Harvey managed to grab hold of his arm and he pressed it against Mike's chest. Harvey was practically hugging him from behind, pressing himself towards Mike.
"Let me go! Let me go! Let go of me!" Mike screamed with all he had. He was hoarse. He tried to hit Harvey as well, with his remaining arm. That only led to Harvey taking hold of that as well.
"No, Mike, no." Harvey said in his ear.
"Yes!" He yelled. "Let me go." He sobbed. He was a mess. But Harvey just held on to him. Hard.
Mike realized that he wouldn't be able to do this either. He wouldn't be able to get lose from Harvey. So he gave that up as well. He sank in on himself and just cried. His whole body shook. He wanted it to end.
-SUITS-
Damn that kid! Damn him! Harvey was furious. He trembled with rage. He couldn't believe that Mike acted this way. What had gotten into him lately? Sure he was dealing with a lot, but that didn't give him the right to act however he wanted. It just didn't, and Mike needed to realize that.
Harvey found himself walking back and forth in his condo, violently pushing the fallen chair that was in his way to the side. This had all started with the chair. Mike had without a reason pushed it down and left it there. He had no regards for Harvey's things.
Harvey had to admit that it was trying to have Mike with him. Mike was in a bad mood most of the time now. It was ever since Rachel had been by. He could understand it, but enough was enough. He didn't have to be like that.
He found himself standing there staring at the chair. Mike had said it had been in the way. Mike struggled with getting around. Having his right arm in a cast made it difficult to steer and get speed. He managed it pretty well, but Harvey had notice how he sometimes grimaced as if it pained him to use his arm. Maybe it did, but the kid didn't have much choice.
He didn't want to see it anymore. He walked over to the door to the balcony and stepped out. He had found Mike sitting out here on a few occasions when he had gotten home. Harvey now leaned against the railing and looked out over his part of the city. He drew a few deep breaths trying to clear his head a bit and calm down. It worked after a few minutes and his anger started to die down leaving only annoyance. What had just happened? What had he done?
Mike and him had been arguing, but about what? He wasn't even sure now. He had brought up the fact that Mike wasn't really making much progress. Why on earth had he done that? Jessica had gotten to his head. But then there was Mike's attitude in general. Apparently the fact Mike had tipped over a chair had started all this. Actually it was pretty stupid. But he had gotten so angry. He really did try to make Mike feel at home here, to help him the best he could. Mike was ungrateful and angry. He was mad at his situation and at basically everything it seemed. He hadn't dealt with Rachel's betrayal all that well either.
And now what? He had actually thrown Mike out of his apartment. At the time he really thought that it was just what Mike deserved but the more he thought of it now the worse he felt about it. Had he really said to Mike that he wasn't welcome here anymore?
If not here where would the kid go? He was basically homeless. Harvey swore to himself. What had he done? He had also just taken Mike's chair and pushed him out. He knew Mike was struggling with feeling helpless and here he just pushed him out and Mike hadn't been able to do anything about that.
Mike had even asked him how he could do this and Harvey had said that it was easy. It had been then and it had felt kind of good at that moment to slam the door in Mike's face. But now?
He felt pretty bad about it now as he thought about how Mike had looked. About how Mike had tried to stop him from pushing him out. About how can you do this to me?
He wondered what Mike would do? Or what he had done. Where could he have gone? To Donna? He actually didn't think so, that Mike would turn to her. But where else?
Damn it! He needed to go and find him. That was the right thing to do. He had offered Mike a place to stay while he healed and that kid was far from healed. He needed help not to be pushed out the door. Harvey needed to be the one making this step. He was pretty sure Mike was too proud to come back to him. And if Mike thought he wasn't welcome here anymore why would he want to. No, it needed to be Harvey that acted.
He went back inside and went to get his phone. He thought about calling Mike but decided to check the street first. He couldn't have gotten that far.
Just as he grabbed his keys he thought he heard something. Then again. Someone was screaming. It was just outside his door. Harvey rushed over and threw the door opened. What met him outside was an image so heartbreaking that he never would forget it. It would be edged into his mind and he would sometimes have nightmares about it.
Mike was sitting on the floor in front of his door, next to his overturned wheelchair. Harvey felt as if he was stabbed in the heart as he saw what Mike was doing. He was sitting there on the floor with his legs in front of him. He was violently hitting his legs over and over, and at every hit he screamed. He was crying as well.
Oh god.
For a few horribly seconds Harvey just stood there watching what transpired before his eyes. Then he acted. He screamed at Mike to stop, just to stop and then threw his arms around him. Harvey just needed him to stop. However it was like Mike didn't hear him. He kept hitting himself despite Harvey's attempts. When he tried to grab Mike's arm he felt the force behind each punch. Mike was using all the force he had with each hit and he managed to get in several more of them before Harvey got a good enough grip to stop him.
Mike was not having it though, he fought with all he had against Harvey's grip. He pushed his upper body both back and forth to get away. He threw himself to the side all the while that he was screaming out his frustration and despair. Harvey managed to hold on to him though. He pressed Mike's trembling body against himself. The kid's chest was heaving and he screamed that he wanted Harvey to let him go. Harvey couldn't do that though.
"No, Mike. No." He whispered and held on.
It was like Mike gave up then because his body became limp in Harvey's arms and he leaned his head forward and just cried heartbreakingly. Harvey had his own tears in his eyes. This was just so awful. He thought about the force Mike had used to hurt himself like that. There had to be bruising, it just had to.
"Mike…" He mumbled.
Mike heard his name being said by Harvey. Harvey just wouldn't let him go. What was he doing? Mike didn't understand.
"It's your fault. It's your fault. This is your fault." He could barely speak. He didn't know if Harvey understood what he was saying. He was crying so hard. He tried to hit Harvey, to push him away, but Harvey still held him. He didn't answer.
"Let me go! Just let me go. I don't want to." He said. He didn't even know what he didn't want. Harvey didn't listen. He shushed him. Mike cried some more.
He was in so much pain now. His whole upper body ached. His head, his jaw, and both of his arms. But worst was the pain inside of him. He wanted that to go away. He would gladly have doubled the physical pain if he just could get rid of the pain inside. That wasn't happening though.
Mike just kept crying and Harvey kept his hold of him. He hoped that it would help somehow. Maybe it could get Mike to just relax a little. Mike had said that it had been his fault, and now he couldn't get it out of his brain. He wasn't sure if Mike meant the current situation they were in or if he meant more. But he felt like the kid was right. This was his fault. He had been wrong. He had caused this. He saw that Mike's wallet was on the floor. He wondered what had happened, how Mike had ended up there on the floor.
Neither of them knew how long they stayed like that, but eventually Mike's cries slowed down a little. Harvey carefully tried to loosen his grip a little.
"We are going back inside." He said into Mike's ear. The kid didn't react so Harvey took it as a yes. He took a hold of Mike's shoulders and got in front of him. Mike looked terrible. He was still crying softly and refused to meet Harvey's eyes. Harvey nodded a little and got up on one knee. He managed to get the wheelchair standing with one hand as held Mike up with the other. He then reach over and lifted Mike off the ground. He carefully placed him in the wheelchair, picked up the wallet and pushed Mike back inside.
"Do you want to sit on the couch?" He asked.
"No." Mike mumbled.
"Can I get you anything?"
Mike shook his head that he had turned against his lap. Harvey nodded a little and pulled out a chair and sat down in front of Mike.
"Are you hurt?" He asked next.
Mike nodded then. "Yeah." He said hoarsely.
"You want to tell me where?" Harvey asked, but Mike didn't answer. Harvey choose not to push him right now.
"Are you cold?" He asked instead. "You want me to get you a blanket?"
Mike nodded. He trembled.
Harvey got up and got a blanket from the couch and wrapped it around Mike's back. He stroked his shoulders a few times before sitting down again. Mike wouldn't look at him. Harvey drew a deep breath. This was so hard. He had been in court hundreds of times and never been practically nervous, but this was different. He felt very nervous this time and felt like whatever he said now wouldn't be enough. Mike really needed help but Harvey wasn't sure that he could provide what Mike needed right now. He didn't even know what that was.
"I'm sorry." He decided to start with that.
"No." Mike said.
"Okay." Harvey said. Obviously that didn't work.
"I think we maybe should talk Mike."
"Like I have choice."
"Of course you have a choice, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. But I think we should."
"Right. And if I don't want to, what will you do then?"
Okay, he deserved that. Harvey couldn't help but close his eyes for a few seconds.
"I won't do anything Mike."
"Oh, thank you so much Harvey! So you won't throw me out again, is that what you are saying?"
Mike was angry and upset. He had this need to argue, he wanted to scream at Harvey, he wanted him to hurt. To hurt just like he was hurting. He felt so humiliated. He was aware of how he had behaved just a few minutes earlier. He had been crazy, insane. He hadn't wanted Harvey to see him like that. He hadn't, and he was mad at Harvey because he had. Now he did his best in trying to fight, but Harvey didn't argue back, instead he just nodded.
"I'm not going to throw you out. I shouldn't have done that in the first place."
"No, you shouldn't have! You know my situation. Why did you?!" Mike was yelling again.
Harvey wouldn't look at him now, he just shook his head. So Mike continued.
"Do you think I would be here if I could go home? Do you think I would want to be here when you want nothing to do with me? If I had any other option?"
"No…" Harvey weakly said.
"No! I wouldn't!" Mike yelled in his face. "I don't want to be here! I hate you!"
"I'm sorry for what I…" Harvey started. Mike ignored him. He was shaking. He didn't want to do this anymore.
"I don't want to!" he screamed noticing that Harvey flinched.
"I don't want this! I wish he would have hit me harder! I don't want to be here. I have nothing! I am nothing!" He shook the blanket off him. "I want it to end!" He exclaimed. He didn't care what Harvey thought about him anymore. Screw Harvey! He hid his face in his hand and cried. He didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't know where those words came from but at the moment they were true.
Harvey's heart was beating too fast and too hard in his chest. What was the kid saying? Oh no, oh no, oh no. Harvey didn't know what to do. How should he deal with this? What were you supposed to say? What if he said something wrong and made it all worse? Should he call for help? Donna, or maybe even 911? Did you call them if someone said that they wanted it to end? No, what was he thinking. It would not help Mike if he called someone else to deal with him. It would make it worse. Mike would think that Harvey just wanted to get rid of him.
Had all of this been his fault? Mike had said that much. Maybe not all, but the set of events that transpired tonight set it all off. He was sure of that at least. Something burst for Mike out there in the hallway.
Mike was heartbroken. He was frustrated, upset and scared. He wanted to give up. Harvey had to stop him from feeling like that. He needed to do something now. He started by moving his chair a little closer to the kid.
"I'm really sorry Mike." He said then. He needed to say something. "I'm sorry about tonight and I'm so sorry that you got paralyzed. I wish I would have been able to stop that, but I wasn't and it happened."
Mike ignored him. At least didn't show in any way that he was listening. He continued like before.
"I'm not going to say that I understand how you are feeling, but I know how I would feel. But I want you to know that you are not nothing. This doesn't define who you are."
"But…but you said it yourself." Mike said then brokenly. "No one wants to be around me anymore. How do you think that makes me feel?"
"I should never had said that. I was angry…"
"At me!"
"Well, yes at you. You were…" Harvey stopped. It wasn't good to go into that now. Not now when Mike was actually talking to him.
"I get that you are angry Mike. I get that. It's still new, all of this." He mentioned for a wheelchair. "It must be hard to deal with."
"You think!" Mike spat out. "I hate it!" And he hit at the chair a bit. Harvey nodded. He was building up the guts to ask one question that he dreaded the answer to.
"Mike, I want to ask you something."
"Do it then!"
"You…You said that you want it to end." He saw how Mike jerked a little. "What did you mean by that?" He carefully asked. This whole time Mike hadn't looked at him, but now he did. His eyes were red and wide.
He shrugged a bit.
"Do you want to die Mike?"
Mike shook his head a little. "Yeah, no… I don't know." He whispered. "I just don't want to feel like this anymore."
"How do you feel?"
Tears yet again started streaming down Mike's face. At first Harvey didn't think he would say anything, but then he spoke.
"Like…like I have nothing anymore, that I am nothing. Like I'm all alone. Like I am just a burden that no one wants to deal with."
Harvey nodded and waited.
"I… I have a hard time dealing with this Harvey. I don't want to adjust to it. I want it to never have happened. I want to go back to before. I want my legs back. I can't do this." He swallowed and continued. Harvey let him.
"Do you know how humiliating it felt when you just pushed me out the door? I couldn't do anything about it. I can't do shit. And I don't have anywhere to go. Rachel doesn't want me and Grammy is dead. And you just made it worse!"
"What do you mean?" Harvey asked.
"What do you think? You threw me out. And you are the only one…" he stopped and looked down. Harvey waited for him to continue.
"Why couldn't you have just given me my wallet?" Mike asked next throwing Harvey off.
"But Mike I did…"
"No, you didn't. You threw it at me. I couldn't catch it and then I couldn't reach it. I fell out of this thing and I couldn't get back up. Do you know what that felt like?" Mike let out a few sobs. He couldn't help it now when he thought back on the incident. Harvey just shook his head. He was pale and spoke unusually little.
"I couldn't get anywhere. I was fucking useless!"
Harvey could only nod again. "I'm sorry." He said.
"I need help with everything. I can't get off the floor by myself. You know, what if you hadn't come? I would have been laying there until tomorrow! Damn it!" He sobbed a little.
"I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life, I just don't! It's humiliating as hell to have someone else help you get dressed. I hate it!"
Mike angrily wiped his face. He continued a bit calmer.
"And also it feels like you don't really want to deal with me at times, like I'm disgusting or something. I feel in a way that you don't want me here not really. And I get it! You never asked for this! You always claimed you don't care about me anyway. Why would you want to help me with things like this?"
"Mike, that's not true."
Mike didn't look at him and just shrugged.
"And even if I get used to all of this, things will never be the same again. People will treat me differently. They will look down on me. And at work, who will care about what I'm saying from now on? No one! I'll just be the guy in a wheelchair."
Harvey sighed. It was hard to hear all of this. Poor kid.
"Mike, it doesn't matter if you are in a wheelchair. Who cares? I don't. And besides, people don't know your story, what you have been through. No one deserves to judge you, send them my way if they do. Okay? And you matter just as much now that as you did before. You are worth just as much. Do you hear me?"
Mike just stared down at his legs.
"And you are wrong when you think that I don't want you here. I do want you here. And I don't mind helping you. I don't."
Mike had his eyes closed now but Harvey knew that he was listening. Harvey continued.
"You are right that things won't be the same again. A lot of things will be hard for you from now on. It's just the way it is, and I am truly sorry about that. And I'm also very sorry about what happened earlier. It's all on me. You were right. It was my fault. I shouldn't have done what I did."
"I didn't mean that it was all your fault. I know I was an ass. I'm just…"
"Struggling."
"Yeah…"
"And I know that you are. I'm supposed to help you not make things worse for you, but that's what I did today. That's unforgivable and I'll try and make it up to you."
Mike nodded. He yet again buried his face in his hand. He was so tired, and he didn't seem to be able to stop those damn tears.
"Mike, things are going to get better." Harvey said. "You have to give yourself some time. It's still new. And as soon as your arm heals you'll be able to get around easier. And kid, who knows, maybe it's not permanent."
"Right."
Harvey leaned forward and patted his back a bit. "It'll be okay."
Mike didn't react. It tore at Harvey's heart to see that he was still crying. He was still so upset that he wasn't able to fully control his emotions. It was like he tried but then something occurred to him that made him feel worse again. Maybe some sleep was what he needed. Rest and an opportunity to calm down.
"You must be exhausted." Harvey said. "Let's get you to bed." Harvey felt all shaky when he stood up. He walked up to Mike and grabbed the handles. "Is it okay?" He asked and Mike nodded.
Harvey decided right then to just take the kid to his own bed. It was more comfortable and it was in a bit more opened area. Harvey would be able to keep an eye on him there. Mike didn't say a word as Harvey steered him over to the bed.
"Do you want to change?" Harvey asked when he parked Mike in front of it.
"Do you mean if I want you to change my clothes? No, no I don't want that." The anger was back in Mike's voice.
Harvey just nodded. He pushed the covers to the side and then turned back to Mike. He made an attempt to lift Mike of the chair, but Mike pushed him away.
"No!" He exclaimed. "No I don't want you to."
Harvey felt awful. He didn't know what to do. "How do you want to do it then Mike?" He asked.
"I don't know." Mike let out a few sobs and hid his face in his hand. He then looked at the bed with something that almost looked like fear. They remained like that for a minute. Mike let out a moan and started to cry a bit louder.
"Okay. Just do it!" He then said.
He was tense and didn't help at all when Harvey lifted him. He turned his head away as soon as Harvey had put him down. Harvey put the cover over him and tucked him in without a word. He then stood up and looked down at Mike.
"Ehm… do you… Are you alright?" he asked. "I mean…" he didn't even know what he meant. Mike had yet to stop crying. He was so far from alright that Harvey had ever seen him. Mike didn't answer him.
"I'll just…" Harvey started to back away, but Mike's voice stopped him.
"Nooo…" he mumbled. "W-Why… why do you… have to leave?" He asked. When Harvey looked at him Mike was not looking into his eyes, his hand was holding on tight on the cover. He looked devastated. Which he most likely was.
"I don't…I don't want you to go." He said as new tears ran down his cheeks. "I'm sorry."
Harvey shook his head and stepped closer again. "No, Mike…"
"I'm sorry." Mike whispered. "I'm sorry, Harvey. I'm sorry. I don't want you to go. Please."
"I won't Mike." Harvey sat down on the edge of the bed and grabbed Mike's hand. Mike moaned a little then.
"It hurts." He said.
"What hurts?"
"My hand." Mike whispered. Harvey let go, but looked closer at Mike's hand. It was a bit swollen.
"Damn it Mike." He mumbled. "I'll be right back, okay."
He went and found something cold to put on the kids hand. He was a bit shaky. Mike was staring at nothing, still with a tear drenched face. However he watched as Harvey carefully tended to his hand.
"You really did a number on yourself there. How is your legs?" Harvey said. It was the wrong thing to say because Mike turned his head away and his body started to shake.
"I'm sorry." Harvey said. "What can I do Mike?"
"I don't know." Mike quietly said and drew a hitching breath. "Help me."
"I'm trying to help you Mike."
"Well, you are not."
Harvey nodded. "Apparently not. How about I lay down beside you?" He said without even thinking about it. But Mike nodded.
So that's how they ended up on Harvey's bed, side by side. Neither of them spoke. Mike was slowly starting to calm down, breath by breath. After a few minutes Harvey deemed it safe to speak again.
"You doing a little better?" he asked.
Mike nodded. "Yeah, thanks." He whispered.
"Are you in pain?" Harvey asked.
Mike shrugged a little.
"I was thinking if you hurt yourself when you fell out of your chair earlier."
"This one hurts a bit." Mike mentioned for his broken arm. "And my head."
"Did you hit it when you fell?" Harvey sat up.
"Only a little. It's more of a headache. Probably from the crying…"
"I'll get you something." Harvey left and came back a few minutes later. Mike tried to look him in the eye. He felt so embarrassed now. Harvey was standing over him with a glass of water.
"You want to sit up?"
When he did with some effort, Harvey handed him two pills and the glass of water. Harvey held on to the glass while he drank. Mike didn't say anything about it. But that small gesture made him feel bad. He couldn't drink by himself. Harvey surprised him when he laid down again, by putting the cover back over him. Harvey's hand then came to rest on top of his head and he then placed a hand along Mike's face. They had eye contact the entire time. Harvey's thumb gently brushed a few tears away from his eye lashes.
Mike just looked up at him. Harvey smiled then and for the first time Mike felt slightly better. He smiled back. At least a little.
Harvey felt himself relax a little when the kid smiled back at him. At least he was pretty sure that it was a smile.
He returned to his spot next to Mike again. He noticed how Mike turned his head to look at him. He met Mike's eyes.
"You…" Mike started, but stopped looking both hesitant and a bit scared. Harvey smiled a little again.
"You really think I'll be okay?" he asked in a small voice that made Harvey's eyes burn a bit all of a sudden.
"I do." He said, putting effort behind his tone to sound confident.
"But I feel so helpless. Useless."
"You are not though, kid. I get that it feels like that, but you are not. You are strong Mike."
"Sure, I am. I've been crying the whole day."
"I felt how hard you can hit. Determination like that and nothing can stop you."
Mike smile a little at that. "You are an ass." He said.
Harvey shook his head a little. "You are not helpless Mike. You will be fine. There will just be things that might be a bit harder for you, that's all. And you are most definitely not useless. You are still the same person as you were before. Nothing has changed in that."
He quieted and waited for Mike's reaction to his words.
"Thank you Harvey." He just said.
"You will never be useless to me." Harvey said, smirking. "Except maybe if you hit your head as well. We will have to see then."
"Oh, shut up."
"I mean it though."
"Thanks."
They were quiet for some time. Both laying on their backs looking up at the ceiling. Then Mike spoke again. Quietly and a bit hesitant as if he was afraid of how Harvey was going to react.
"You are my best friend Harvey."
"And here I thought we were family." Harvey answered him.
"Really?" Mike whispered.
"Of course, kid."
Mike sighed a bit. Harvey then felt how Mike's arm touched him. He smiled to himself and lightly placed his hand over Mike's, cast and all.
"Good night." Mike whispered a few minutes later.
Harvey squeezed his fingers a bit. "Good night Mike."
Harvey laid there as frozen. He didn't want to move to startle Mike. He wanted the kid to sleep. He needed Mike to sleep. He still had his hand over Mike's. He was pretty sure that he had managed to help the kid somehow. But this evening had been really eventful, not to say traumatic. He felt so sorry for Mike. His life had really been destroyed and somehow Harvey hadn't really realized to what extent. The assault he had been through hadn't just damaged Mike's body, but also his mind.
The kid had said that he wanted it to end. Harvey couldn't get that image of Mike saying those words out of his mind. It was just awful. His Mike, saying those things. He had spoken the truth when he told Mike that they were family. Mike was like a little brother to him. Someone he needed to protect and take care of. Now more than ever he realized. He would have to do better by Mike from now on. He just had to.
-SUITS-
Mike must have been exhausted because he slept through the night without waking up. Harvey didn't have the same luck. He tried to fall asleep but couldn't relax. The day's events were just too fresh in his mind and he wasn't able to relax. About two in the morning he gave up and carefully got up and went to get his laptop. He then spent about two hours reading up on spinal cord injuries and the aftermath of them. He read that depression was common and he recognized the symptoms in Mike. He needed to take better care of the kid, because as it said, Mike might not be able to do it himself. He needed to assure Mike that he wasn't alone. It turned out to be harder than he thought.
Mike woke up around six in the morning when Harvey had gotten about two hours of sleep. Harvey woke up from his groans.
"What's…what's up?" He mumbled, still not fully awake.
"It hurts…" Mike slurred. He sounded a bit surprised.
"What hurts?" Harvey sat up and drew a hand over his face. It was so early.
"My arm." Mike said. "The broken one. "
"Okay. I'll just get you some painkillers then."
"It hurts a lot." Mike said after Harvey had helped him with the pills.
"It'll pass. Try and get some more sleep."
Harvey was successful in falling asleep again. Mike wasn't. His arm ached like crazy and no matter what he did it didn't ease up. He strongly suspected that it was something wrong with it after the incident last night. It wouldn't surprise him, after all he had slammed it into the ground as hard as he could, not once but twice. He had himself to blame. He had been an idiot. He had embarrassed himself in front of Harvey and not just a little but a lot. He had acted like a crazy person. But he hadn't cared and now he didn't want to think about it. It made him feel bad. Really bad. In fact he felt like crying again now.
What was he supposed to do now? He was in Harvey's bed. Harvey had helped him yesterday and for a short while there he had felt comforted and reassured that he could make it through this. That feeling was totally gone now. If he had been able to now, he had walked off. Left the bed and Harvey's presence. He wished that he could. For an intense moment it was all he wished for. But it was impossible to him. He was trapped here. All of his actions were dependent on Harvey. He could do nothing without Harvey. That scared him. He couldn't stop himself from thinking about the other things that happened yesterday. How Harvey had pushed him out, how he had resisted in vain, and what happened after that. He remembered asking Harvey how he could do it to him and Harvey had immediately answered that it was easy. It had been easy for Harvey to throw him out like that.
Sure he could understand that Harvey had been mad at him, he had been rude and ungrateful but still, Harvey's reaction frightened him. What was stopping him from doing it again? Nothing.
He couldn't stop the tears that came in his eyes. He closed his eyes but that didn't help. His arm still ached. The painkillers hadn't helped yet. It still hurt too much for him to fall back asleep. So he just laid there and cried quietly to himself. He felt so pathetic. He hated himself. He wished he could pass out, fall asleep so that he didn't have to think.
He didn't know how long passed. His tears didn't stop and neither did the pain in his arm. In fact it worsened and soon he wasn't sure if he was crying because how bad he felt or because of the pain. Harvey just slept oblivious to his distress. This was how his life would be like now. It made him cry harder. He wished he had some tissues. Should he just wake Harvey up? No he couldn't do that. Not like this. He needed to get himself under control first. He just didn't see how that would happen.
-SUITS-