Disclaimer: I own nothing

Chapter 11

The day of Randall's funeral took place within 48 hours of his death. Clare watched with dry eyes as the man she called "dad" was lowered into the ground. Clare couldn't bring herself to express sadness or anger as she stood in the cemetery, surrounded by Randall's colleagues and whatever members of his family who could make it that day.

She didn't attend school the past couple of days at her mother's insistence; Helen was emotionally crushed to hear about Randall's death despite the fresh ink on their divorce papers. Compared with the unknown state of Darcy- the pressure was almost too much for her. Clare allowed herself to be the strong through it all, taking over phone calls when the older woman would break down into tears, searching through her father's closet for a suit to be buried in; Clare easily found it within herself to step up and take charge.

She would go through the motions, as Randall would've liked her to.

The past few days had also contained little communication with Eli. He had tried to call her of course, but Clare always found an excuse to end the conversation. She was thankful he hadn't decided to show up unannounced at her house like in the past.

She couldn't help but notice the strange looks the other attendees were giving her. While Helen was sobbing uncontrollably, Clare remained calm despite the voice inside her head displaying her inner anger.

What am I supposed to do now, Randall? She thought to herself, What do I do now that it's your body in the casket and everyone's expecting me to emotionally self-destruct? Yet in reality, I feel nothing. She realized something, Randall was more than just her foster father, he was her guiding light in a way. He taught her how to control and fake emotions, he taught her how to appear normal when on the inside she was an absolute mess.

With Randall gone, her emotions were now her own.

The one thing that gave her peace of mind at the moment was Shane's presence at her side. Clare had invited him; she wanted someone there who knew what was really going on, who wouldn't judge her for not crying. Helen said nothing about the loathsome boys' presence there; she was in no mood to argue with what was left of her shattered family.

The priest finally finished with whatever he was saying and the funeral attendees dispersed to their cars. Helen walked over to have a few words with the priest, leaving Clare and Shane by themselves.

"How you holding up?" Shane asked

"Bored out of my skull, no thanks to Father Never-shuts-Up over there." Clare said bitterly. Shane allowed a slight smirk to settle on his face.

"So what's happening now?"

"Normally, everyone would go back to the home of the deceased for food and further words of sympathy, but not in this case. Helen didn't much feel like entertaining, and most of these people are on lunch break from work." Clare pointed out. A majority of the people there had actually worked with Randall.

"So, would you maybe want to…hang out? Get faded?" Shane asked while mimicking the act of hitting a joint.

"That actually sounds really nice right now." She admitted.

"Screw you Edwards, that idea sounds nice to me all the time." Shane joked, Clare allowed herself a light laugh as Shane slowly placed an arm around her shoulder. She didn't pull away.

Clare let out a low breath, "Thanks for coming today, I don't think I couldn't have survived this without you here."

Shane looked at her in confusion, "What do you mean? All I did was stand here, bored out of my mind while everyone else but you was in tears."

"Exactly." Clare confirmed. Shane grinned and looked like he was about to say something when a familiar voice called out Clare's name. She felt her shoulders tense up under Shane's arm as she turned to face her neglected boyfriend walking towards them, appropriately dressed in black.

She could see a glimmer of mistrust shine in Eli's eyes as he spotted Shane, dressed so coyly in a dark gray suit with a comforting arm that was now being retracted from her shoulder. Clare herself was dressed in a simple black knee-length dress with a scooped neckline, revealing only a hint of her ample cleavage.

Eli couldn't help but raise his eyebrow at Shane's presence. "What's he doing here?" he asked before he could stop himself. Clare felt a small ping of guilt for not having invited Eli to the funeral, but then again he didn't know her father very well, no one did.

"Shane's been a friend of the family for a while." She explained, although it was far from true.

"Oh." Eli said, he shifted on his feet uncomfortably, "Can I talk to you, alone?" he shot Shane a dark look while emphasizing the alone part.

"Sure," she relented, turning to Shane. "Thanks again." Shane smiled easily and gave Eli a curt nod before walking off.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here." Clare admitted.

"Not surprising, considering I had to look up the funeral time and location in the paper." Eli said shortly. Clare sighed.

"Look, Eli- I'm sorry if-"

"Why weren't you crying?" Eli cut her off. Clare looked at with confusion, wondering how long he had been there. Had he stood off to the side during the entire ceremony so Clare couldn't see him?

"Because I didn't feel like it." Clare answered, the truth for once. Eli gave her a peculiar look, she wasn't exactly sure what his reaction would be.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know, I'm just- tired." Clare paused, "I'm tired of watching my family continue to crumble and crying doesn't do anything to fix it, nothing does." Eli nodded, but she wasn't sure if he really understood.

"Look, Clare, I think we should talk. I know that this is a bad time to do it, right after your dad's funeral and everything, but there are questions that I really need answered, by you."

Clare nodded, knowing that this confrontation would happen sooner or later, "Lead the way."

Eli led her to the cemetery path towards a gray sedan; Clare gave him a confused look.

"It's my mom's car. I thought it would be…disrespectful to drive a hearse to a funeral." Eli explained.

"Oh." Clare got in to the car just as her cell phone started to vibrate, she reached into her purse to check it; a text from Shane.

Ditching me for the goth boy, yet again? Just remember we have a date on Wednesday.

Clare went with her better judgment to not text Shane back at the moment, sitting beside Eli. Even though deep down she knew she'd much rather be goofing around with Shane and then having an uncomfortable and emotional conversation with her neglected boyfriend.

Clare felt a cold shiver pass through her as Eli pulled up to the abandoned church. She had gone from one family member's resting place to another; not that anyone needed to know that. Eli turned off the car and sat silently, keeping his eyes on the windshield. Clare felt motivated to say something, but Eli was the one who dragged her here; he was the one who wanted to talk.

Eli let out an unreadable sigh and exited the car without a word, leaving Clare by herself. She watched as he ambled past the crumbled archways before opening the door to get out and follow him. Truth be told, she wasn't sure what to expect. Would he interrogate her about Shane's presence at the funeral? Press her to spill the details of her stomach-churning dream?

Would he break up with her?

Clare shuddered inwardly at the thought; she didn't need Eli to survive, but having him there made her life not easier, but rather meaningful. Despite what she had with Shane, deep down she knew that Eli was the closest thing to love she would ever find. Underneath his dark personality and emotional baggage, he was sweet, caring and protective.

She watched as Eli seated himself on the remnants of a diminished stone wall. He looked at her, in the eyes, the first time since they left the cemetery. He raised a hand to beckon her over, which she regrettably followed.

A sudden thought occurred to her and she cursed inwardly for not realizing it before; the awkwardness that had occurred just two days ago concerning three words that were supposed to uplift and enforce, but only shook Clare to her very core with uncertainty and panic.

Eli let out another sigh as Clare seated herself next to him, leaving about a foot of empty space between their bodies. "Clare," Eli started, "I wanted to apologize to you."

Her mouth opened in confusion. "For what?" she asked.

"For what I did the other day, for putting you in that position." Eli said softly.

"What position are you referring to?"

"The one where I open my big, stupid mouth at the worst possible time." His voice was becoming somewhat angry. The expression "caught off guard" could not even apply to Clare at this point. She was expecting a lot of different scenarios, but an apology wasn't one of them.

"Eli, is this about-"

"I just wanted you know," Eli cut her off, "that I meant what I said. It wasn't just some meaningless reassurance that I would be there for you, I will always be there for you, of course-"

"You're kind of rambling." Clare pointed out.

"What I mean is, I didn't say those things because I wanted to comfort you, I said them because I really mean it. I have never felt something so strongly before, not even with Julia." His voice cracked slightly at the deceased girl's name. "I've been trying to figure out the right way to tell you, something romantic and outlandish that a girl as beautiful as you deserves. But the words just slipped out of my mouth at a time when I thought you needed to hear it most." He explained sadly. "But I guess I was wrong." Eli stood up and dragged a hand through his thick hair in frustration.

Clare might've been a stranger to profound revelations about love and heartbreak, but she recognized a golden opportunity for atonement when she saw it.

"Eli-" she stood up to face him and took hold of his hands, "I'm really sorry about the other day, you just-" she paused for emotional effect, "caught me off guard." She took a deep breath while carefully calculating her next words. "I love you Eli, and I'm sorry if I did anything to make you doubt that."

Eli's face brightened instantly, he stepped forward and placed his hands on her waist, staring into her nervous eyes. Without another word, he leaned down and kissed her softly, gingerly coaxing her lips apart with his tongue. Clare opened her mouth to let him instantly, but restrained herself from deepening the sweet sentiment into something lusty and hard. She weaved her fingers through his hair and massaged his scalp with the tips of her fingers.

He moaned into her mouth at the pleasant sensation before breaking away. "I'm really, really glad you said that." He said with a light chuckle. Clare noticed how relived he looked which allowed her to feel the same way.

Yet, deep within her thoughts, a voice cackled - what a dunce!

The next few weeks of Clare's life passed by with uneventful slowness; the search for Darcy had officially been declared as a cold case due to lack of evidence concerning her well-being. Helen didn't have the heart to let them pronounce Darcy dead yet, and Clare didn't have the gall to tell her the truth. No one could know the truth.

Her physical relationship with Eli seemed to have taken two steps back ever since they both pronounced their love for each other. Clare had hoped that uttering those three difficult words would open Eli's eyes to the fact that she was ready to consummate their love. However, the only touch being offered by Eli was comforting hugs and hand-holding. She had questioned him about his refusal to initiate intimacy; his reasoning was that he didn't want to upset her by moving too fast. He was still under the impression that Randall's death had an emotional effect on her, despite her dry eyes at the funeral.

To say that she was not pleased with Eli's nobleness was understatement. Finally, she had managed to progress their relationship into sexual territory, only to have swiped away from her once Randall was placed in the ground. Still, she refrained herself from starting an argument with him or even worse offering herself up to Shane. They both knew he still had those feelings for her.

On the subject of her old friend, Clare had found herself actually looking forward to hanging out with Shane, even if it was blackmail. She found herself needing a break from Eli more than ever; his constant questions of whether she was okay or not had started to grind onto her last remaining nerve.

And so Clare found herself in the company of Shane on yet another Wednesday night. The weather in Toronto had finally transitioned into above-freezing temperature, leading Shane to suggest taking their intoxication to the streets. The term "urban adventure" had a completely different meaning with Shane.

Using his superficial charm and fake ID, Shane had managed to buy a bottle of rum, some of which they distributed into tow half-empty bottles of Coke while keeping the remainder in Shane's back pack. They spent about an hour wandering the streets near Shane's apartment to the park where they had slaughtered so many dogs.

For the first time in a while, Clare felt at ease, partially in thanks to the rum.

Chucking his now-empty Coke bottle aside, Shane jogged over to the playground carousel, beckoning Clare to join him. They sat across from each other while the carousel spun at a leisurely pace. Shane produced both a joint and the remainder of the rum from his bag. He slid the bottle over to Clare who immediately took a swig while Shane searched for his lighter.

"Do you remember what we would do last year whenever we got drunk together?" Clare asked, lowering the bottle from her lips. Shane smirked around the joint, emitting a puff of smoke before answering her.

"As I recall, alcohol either made you horny or violent." He waggled his eyebrows playfully, "which are you feeling now?"

"Neither." She said simply, "I feel…relaxed, content with everything. The nations of the world could engage in nuclear war and I wouldn't give a shit." Shane laughed, passing the joint to her while pulling the bottle from her hands.

"So, how's the boy?" Shane asked casually.

"What do you care?" Clare responded critically.

"I don't. But until you transitioned into the carefree, drunken beauty who I admire so much," Clare let out snort, "you were acting like something was pissing you off."

"Shane Newman, once again I am blown away by your ability to pick up on m demeanor." She joked.

Shane quirked his eyebrow, "Seriously though, what's eating you?"

"More like who's not eating me." Clare growled under her breath. Shane heard her loud and clear, catching on immediately.

"What's this I hear? Goth boy is holding back on the oral loving?"

"He's holding back on everything!" she exclaimed. Clare normally never discussed sex with anyone except Eli, but she couldn't turn down a much needed opportunity to vent. "Ever since Randall died he's been treating me like glass! He won't even touch me unless it's a hug or holding my hand; I'm not ten dammit! I don't want him to treat me sweetly and heal my wounded heart, I want him to rip my clothes off bang my brains out until I can't remember my name!" she yelled. Luckily, the park was deserted this time of night.

Shane gave his friend an unreadable yet contemplative look as he took a final drag of the joint before tossing it to the ground. The carousel continued to spin at it's easy pace.

"You know, my offer still stands. I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend or to break up with Dr. Doom; just let me be the vessel to unleash all your sexual build-up upon. Your little boyfriend," he smirked, "doesn't need to know a thing."

Clare took a heavy swig of the rum and shook her head, "I'm not going down that road again."

"Why? You were cool with it last time. What-his-face didn't suspect a thing." He pointed out.

"I know that. But Eli deserves better than that, he deserves much better than me." She said, a hint of sadness in her voice.

Shane shot a serious look, "Don't ever say that. If anything, he doesn't deserve you. But then again, no one truly does." His voice was soft yet dark, a tone that was never lost on Clare.

Clare couldn't find it within herself to verbally express her gratitude over Shane's kind words; she merely smiled and passed the bottle back to him.

"How about a change of location? The booze is starting to get to me and the constant spinning isn't helping." Shane nodded and swiftly hopped off the still-spinning playground equipment. Clare stood up a little too fast and lost her balance, falling backwards into a strong set arms.

She laughed at herself as she was helped to her now swaying feet. "Thanks, Shane." She said, but then she realized something.

Shane was standing right before her with a confused look on his face. Clare could feel someone behind, still gripping her shoulders. Panic washed over her as she quickly broke free of the stranger's grasp, scrambling towards Shane who remained unmoving.

She turned around to receive one of the biggest surprises of her life.

"Fitz?"

A/N: Fitz? Hey, why not?