AN: Thanks for reviewing as always!

"Change"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 11

A week passed, during which Han started losing interest in food and hardly slept. Omha told him that insomnia and loss of appetite were normal side effects when starting out with the pills, so she insisted that he keep taking them despite his complaints during his sessions. He also complained about feeling dizzy when he sat up and generally lethargic despite always having difficulty sleeping, but she said those were normal side effects too. At his most recent session he claimed that he was having fainting spells – surely that couldn't be a normal side effect – but the therapist either saw through his lie or found out he was lying from Doctor Graynar. In any case, she didn't believe him and told him to be patient with the pills and the side effects would pass.

Well if he was going to suffer side effects, the least the pills could do was help with something, but so far he hadn't noticed any changes for the better. He still flashed back to the bridge whenever he tried to walk and he still suffered nightmares during the rare times when he could actually get to sleep. Be patient, Omha said, but how long was he supposed to wait?

Right now he was staring at the ceiling, trying to listen to music from the datapad, but the sound kept distracting him. In, out, in, out, in, out, it was like it was counting down the seconds until it finally drove Han to insanity. His stomach growled, but the thought of actually eating nauseated him.

"Han," came Doctor Graynar's voice suddenly from the window, "you have a visitor."

Han raised his eyebrow at the doctor. "Who? I thought Leia was off doin' Resistance stuff."

"It's not Leia, it's Rey."

Han's other eyebrow went up. Rey had only visited him when the whole group was there and he couldn't remember even having a conversation with her since Ben had stabbed him. It was as if she were afraid of him now – not that he could really blame her for that. After all, seeing him in this condition had driven her to cut Ben's hands off.

"All right, let her in," he muttered as he reached over to turn the music off.

Rey enter wearing a sullen look with hints of darkness under her eyes. Han concentrated on grinning at his niece and hoping he looked convincing. "Hey, Rey, haven't seen you much lately."

"Hello . . . uncle," Rey mumbled as she sat next to his bed, scanning him with her eyes. "You look awful."

"Well, I don't feel so good either."

Rey's eyes were racing, as if she were alternately staring and trying not to stare.

"Havin' trouble seein' me like this?" Han asked.

Rey blinked rapidly. "I'm . . . I'm sorry."

"Don't be," said Han. "I have trouble seein' myself like this."

Rey swallowed. "Are . . . are the pills Luke told me about helping at all?"

"Nope," said Han. "Not unless you say the pills got rid of the nightmares by gettin' rid of sleep." He raised an eyebrow at his niece. "Hey, why're you still callin' your dad Luke?"

"I don't feel like Luke's my father," Rey said, looking directly into Han's eyes.

Now it was Han who swallowed. "Hey, wait, are you sayin' you want Ben to be your brother instead of your cousin?"

Rey abruptly looked away. "He's not Ben. Not anymore."

Han resisted the urge to argue that point, instead gently placing his real hand on her shoulder. "You know, when you were little he adored you."

"I've seen old recordings," Rey said bitterly, still not looking at him. "Not that I actually remember it."

"You were like a baby sister to him . . . he always wanted a baby sister."

"So why didn't you have another baby?"

Han felt his insides twist suddenly as unpleasant memories suddenly swam into his mind. "We tried, but for several years nothing happened." His hand dropped from his niece's shoulder like a weight. "Then when Ben was nine, Leia finally got pregnant again."

"What?"

"Ben was so excited . . ." Han's raspy voice grew softer than usual. "He got even more excited when we got a sonogram and found out the baby was a girl. He picked out all these cute dresses for the baby to wear, sang her lullabies at Leia's belly, but then . . ." He trailed off.

"What?" Rey was finally looking at him again. "What happened?"

Han blinked several times, but his eyes moistened up anyway. "The baby was stillborn." He tried to stop the memory, but it came anyway – the blood-covered body lying stiff that would have been his daughter – would have been little Treyla Solo.

"I'm . . . I'm sorry," Rey stammered. "Why . . . why hasn't anyone told me?"

"None of us really like talkin' about it," said Han. "Givin' birth to a dead body was pretty rough on Leia – she was in the hospital for a few weeks after that, so we decided we'd better not try anymore." Again he wished he could sigh. "She couldn't even come to our daughter's funeral." He gulped down what felt like a rock that had materialized in his throat. "As you can imagine, Ben was pretty devastated . . . he didn't even want us to donate the dresses he'd picked out." He forced himself to give his niece a tiny smile. "But then about a year later you were born and he gave those dresses to you."

A tear streamed down his face that Rey wiped off. "Sorry . . . sorry," he mumbled. "Guess that wasn't fun for you to hear."

"Not really," Rey admitted.

"The meds're probably makin' me relive bad memories even more than usual." Han glanced down at his artificial hand. "And of course my stupid therapist won't let me stop takin' 'em."

Rey cocked her head at him. "Well, it probably just takes some time for them to work."

"Maybe, but is it really worth it?"

"Don't you want to get out of here?"

"And do what?" Han suddenly snapped. "You think I can fight in the Resistance like this? Fly the Falcon? Do anything? I'll be as helpless out there as I am in here – Ben's lightsaber might as well have just succeeded in killin' me"

"How can you say that?" Rey shouted.

"It's the truth," Han spat. "Day after day of hearin' this Vader noise I can't ever turn off, pain in my chest, eatin' food that always tastes bland since my nose doesn't work, I can't even fucking breathe."

"But at least you're alive!"

"I already died," Han muttered. "It's just the details that didn't work out."

. . .

"Suicidal thoughts" had been a side effect listed for the drug – something Han was supposed to immediately alert the doctors about if it happened, but what if he didn't want to get rid of the thoughts? It would be so easy – all he'd need is to grab the pill container for a few seconds and take an overdose. A simple, painless death – hell, the drugs would probably put him to sleep before they actually killed him.

Dying in his sleep instead of by lightsaber . . .

There would be no more breathing device, no more flashbacks, no more nightmares, no more sound.

It sounded glorious . . .

Maybe it would even help Ben out. If he were dead, Ben wouldn't need to worry about their shared dreams anymore. He could finally move on from his attempted murder of his father.

Leia would be devastated, but she was strong. She'd also understand that he hadn't wanted to suffer like this anymore.

She was already asleep next to him – apparently she'd had a long day. Should he wake her up to say goodbye? No . . . no . . . if he did that she'd try to stop him – she'd probably take the pills away or something like that.

There was Doctor Graynar with the pill container in one hand and a glass of water in the other. Han stared at the pills as if he were starving and they were a delicious meal. Just a few seconds with the container, that was all he needed.

"All right, Han," she said, handing him the glass of water as usual, which he quickly put on the table beside his bed. Just a few seconds. She started to open the container to shake out one pill as usual, but he reached for it – gently, so as not to let her suspect anything. Once his fingers clasped around that container, he smiled at her as he – still gently – pried it from her hand, feigning that he was fine with the pills now.

Well from a certain point of view, that was true.

He covered the opening with his artificial hand so she wouldn't see how many he was shaking out, stuffed them into his mouth, and washed them down with the water before she could notice anything.

"All right, buzz me if you need me as usual," she said as he handed the container and the glass back to her. "Good night."

"Night," said Han as he lay down, "and thanks."

The lullaby in the dark finally felt soothing again. Han felt his eyes drooping as he cradled Leia's head in his real hand. A gentle lull into death . . . it should happen soon. He kissed his wife's forehead, hoping she would understand.

"Goodbye, Leia," he whispered, "I love you."