Chapter 10: My Lover's Box

I was tired. I was tired of Voldemort. I was tired of reporters hounding me for comments on Hermione's new witless state. I was tired of the rain. But most of all, I was tired of being away from my baby. I deserved to live in peace. I deserved to sit in the sunshine. I deserved to be loved. I deserved to have a family. I deserved to live.

Didn't I?

I awoke alone in my room at Grimmauld place, hugging Harry's old pillow. Rain pattered on the window as the sun feebly attempted to peek through torrents of grey clouds. I grabbed my dressing gown and padded down the stairs into the kitchen. Putting the kettle on the stove, I jabbed at the burner with my wand and rummaged through the cupboards for my favorite tea. Vanilla. It always made me feel better. A bit of milk and sugar from my wand, and I went back upstairs and sat on the floor in my room. I banished a dust bunny from underneath the bed skirt and a box caught my eye.

Harry's box.

I pulled it out and blew the dust from the lid, then carefully opened it. All my memories were inside. The first thing I saw was Harry's wand, wrapped up in gold tissue paper. I hadn't touched it since the day Hermione had forced it upon me on the steps of the ministry almost two years ago. I unwrapped it and felt the firmness of the holly in my palm. The phoenix feather trembled inside the core, warming my hand even more than my teacup had. I set it beside me on the floor and moved to the next item- Harry's glasses. Beth found them in Hermione's office after she had been forced to resign and had been thoughtful enough to give them to me. The frames were bent and the lenses cracked, but I didn't repair them. I wanted them to remind anyone who saw them what Harry had gone through the last time he had worn them. I wrapped them inside the tissue paper that had housed Harry's wand and moved on to the next item. I had to laugh a bit when I realized what it was- the last bit of handle from Harry's Nimbus 2000, the bit bearing the model of broomstick and serial number. He had saved it all that time.

The Marauder's Map came next. I tapped it with my wand and watched as the dozen or so random dots labeling professors wandered around the deserted castle. This was something I wanted to keep for Exavier, in case he went to Hogwarts. I would leave it up to him, of course. If he wanted to go to school in India I would let him, that is, assuming he even wanted me to be his mother in the first place. If he did (Merlin, please!), I would let him choose where he went to school. There was history by the caldron full at Hogwarts, but that would come at a price. Everyone would know his parents. Everyone would know his life.

No. I didn't want Harry's lifestyle for him. I would tell my son everything, and leave the decision up to him. At least he would be informed.

Wait a minute… what were these? I reached into the box and pulled out a small bit of Hufflepuff scarf, a miniature model of a Hungarian Horntail, a lock of white blonde hair bound in blue ribbon, and a Bulgarian Quidditch action figure of Viktor Krum with one arm missing. Harry's memories of the Triwizard Tournament. I held the fragment of Cedric's scarf in my hand and had to wipe away a tear. It had been a terrible year for us all.

Next I found the melted remains of the knife Sirius had given Harry for Christmas, and underneath that, the crumpled piece of parchment on Basilisks that Hermione had ripped out of a library book so she could show Harry and Ron what had attacked me. I tossed that aside. I knew what Hermione Jane Granger had grown up to be and in my opinion she was really no better than Tom Marvolo Riddle. Underneath that was another bit of parchment, but this one was well preserved. Harry's first Hogwarts letter, signed by Professor McGonagall. Of course he would keep that. Harry was so proud of the fact that he was a wizard. In a corner of the box I found a Ton-Tongue Toffee, but instead of thinking of Fred and George, I thought of Harry's dolt of a cousin, Dudley. The greedy selfish prat. I wondered if he turned out all right, or if he took after his parents. I think it probably ended up more along the lines of the latter.

On the bottom of the box were photos and letters. The first one I grabbed seemed to want to sear the flesh off my hand, and I realized why when I saw the return address. Hermione. I opened the envelope and began to read, but after the first few sentences it was all I could do to even scan the remaining contents.

Dear Harry,

I can't believe we've been on Holiday for only a week, and that Hogwarts is all over! I'm incredibly excited to begin my work at the Ministry, but as of late all I've been feeling is nostalgic. I think about all the things you, Ron and I have gone through and it just amazes me. I can't believe I ended up being the best of friends with the two boys I hated most (next to Malfoy, of course!). You and Ron are positively the best friends a girl could ask for and I know that if I were ever in need, I could call on you day or night, and you would be there in an instant (and of course that's almost literal, since we can all Apparate now!).

Throughout the years we've always been together, and I know our friendship will continue on just the same. I know you're looking to take Voldemort down once and for all, Harry, and I want you to know that I will be with you 'til the very end! I've researched some new spells, and I'd love to know what you think. I know you can do it, and I will always be there to help no matter what happens. You can count on me Harry, just like I know I can count on you.

Love From,

Hermione

P.S. Are you and Ginny REALLY going to live together when she finishes Hogwarts? And that you're not going to tell her parents? You know her mum will have kneazels if you do, Harry, but I support you and your secret is safe with me! You love each other and that's what matters, just let me know where to levitate the boxes!

That hypocritical bitch. I know for a fact that every time Harry needed her, she was too busy at the Ministry. And she in no way shape or form helped us move in together. And she was the one who let the cat out of the cauldron to my dad about Harry and I moving in together. And as for her 'being there no matter what happens' and ''til the very end', well… we all know how she held up on THAT end of the bargain.

Merlin, I wanted to burn that letter so badly. There were tons of letters in that box, several from me, a few from Ron, loads from my mum, and tons from Hermione. It was like they were taunting me, laughing at me. But I couldn't do it. They were Harry's. If he wanted them burned, he could find me in my dreams and tell me to. But until then, I couldn't bring myself to touch them.

Besides, if I did, they might contaminate me and turn me into a traitor, too.

I carefully packed everything except Harry's wand back into the box and pushed it back into its place underneath the bed. Then, I stood up and made my way to the bathroom. Turning the taps to the temperature I liked, I hung my dressing gown on the back of the door and stepped in. As I worked the showerhead through my hair and over my body, I thought about everything I had looked at that morning.

Harry's life had been reduced to a bunch of memories shoved in a box underneath my bed. I couldn't understand how such a magnanimous man and wondrous wizard had been reduced to only a memory. Did I want to be reduced to a box? Did I want to just give up and leave nothing to show for my efforts? If I was going to die, I wanted to leave behind something worth remembering, just like Harry had. If I was going to die, I wanted to take Tom Marvolo Riddle down with me.

Placing the showerhead back on its stand, I reached for my shampoo. Harry had bought me that shampoo from a special Muggle shop- it was supposed to bring out the radiance in my red hair. I just thought it smelled nice, but Harry always took things one step further. He put thought into everything. As I rinsed out the shampoo and scolded myself for splashing water on the floor again, I realized that the only time Harry DIDN'T think was the last time he faced Voldemort.

He rushed into the face of battle because all he could think about was making the world better for our unborn baby, with no thought or concern for himself. And I had been so mad at him for it when he didn't make it out alive. But wasn't I about to do the same thing? Would Exavier be mad at me when he learned what I had done? Or would he understand that I had done it all for him, and that given the chance to go back, I wouldn't change a thing?

I mounted the showerhead again and reached for the conditioner. Exavier. I hadn't gotten any new pictures of him in a while. I wondered if he would end up with red hair like me, or black, like his father. After the conditioner was rinsed, I lathered on the Molton Brown body wash. And this time I didn't care about how much water I spilled on the floor. My mum had always yelled about it when I lived at the Burrow, but really why all the nonsense? All it took was a simple banishing charm or a drying spell and everything was right as rain again. I decided I wouldn't yell at Exavier if he splashed in his bath. Hell, I would splash with him.

I dried myself off and got dressed, then headed back down to the kitchen to make a proper breakfast. But it seemed my shower had not only woken up my thoughts, it had awakened my senses. I took a good look at my surroundings for the first time in years, and for once I actually saw what I was looking at. And I didn't like it. It had never bothered me before how dark the house was. I guess I never really cared to notice. We always made everything happy when we lived here together.

Lived.

My entire life seemed past tense to me now. Everything seemed manky and black now that Harry was gone. Exavier was the one shiny spot, and even he was starting to fade. Would he even know me if I lived to see him again? Would he love me? I would never love someone who abandoned me. That's why I couldn't love Percy. That's why I couldn't love Hermione. They abandoned me. I would understand completely if my son wanted nothing to do with me. I wanted nothing to do with Hermione and Percy, how could I deny him the same choice?

I looked around the dank foyer and frowned. It was dark. Gloomy. How could I not have noticed before? I hated everything about this house, really. The only thing that made it home for me was gone, never to return.

And soon I would do the same.

I'd done my time here, not only in Grimmauld Place, but in London as well. Knock to that, I was tired of England, too. All it does is rain. It was the thirteenth of July and I had yet to see the sun. I descended down the final staircase into the kitchen. At least this place had a few happy memories of Shamra and Beth coming to visit. But they weren't enough to make me want to stay. I didn't like the way my life was, but for the first time I realized that I had the power to do something about it.

I wasn't going to let Voldemort run my life any longer. He was going down, and he was going down soon. Taking Harry's wand out of the box had been the first step. Executing the plans that had been forming in my mind since the day I started Hogwarts was the second. I only had a few things I needed to do- like find the proper documents to leave Shamra the house. Quill a number of letters to Shamra and Beth, as well as Elsa and Emily, and most importantly, to Exavier. I would tell him everything and unlike Harry's Aunt Petunia, I knew Elsa's cousin would actually show him.

I had been living in hell since Harry was murdered. But now the skies had opened, and I was ready to find my piece of heaven.

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