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Thursday, April 24th
Zach came home from college tonight. I knew he didn't have any classes this Friday so I asked him to come home for a long weekend. With Grace we cooked his favorite dish. Well, Grace did most of the cooking for half of the ingredients needed gave me such a sense of nausea that I had to leave the kitchen. I don't know if it's to celebrate the occasion or to ingratiate Zach before giving him the news. He complained a bit for the unnecessary banquet and we might have ended up with the opposite result of him being suspicious.
We spend the dinner in relative quietness. Zach is home so seldom now that he's in college so he has a lot of things to say to get us caught up; I love his enthusiasm for college, he's doing so great, not that I ever doubted it. I let him talk; turns out he might have a new girlfriend. I don't know how I feel about it, I still remember Neesa's tears and I'm not sure I'm ready to see another girl replace her, for I really liked her, and Zach's reason for breaking up with her is something I still can't fully understand.
Grace casts a few sidelong glances in my direction, anxious for me to spill the news. Peter was supposed to be here too, but the damn strike cancelled his flight from Springfield and I didn't find it necessary for him to drive back home. I think that unconsciously I'm almost relieved that he's not here. Even if he accepted – at least in appearance – the sudden and unexpected change in my life, I don't think he would ever be able to instill serenity in the kids when he's not serene himself. Not that I am, but there is something motivating me. For me it's not an end, but a new beginning and as much as I know that it's a shock for everyone, there is a positiveness in me, a peace of mind that outshines by far every anxiety tied to this pregnancy.
"So what do you want to tell me?" Zach asks during the short break between roast and dessert.
I nearly drop the cheesecake. "Who said that there is something to tell?"
"Mom… the last time you cooked so much for me you had just kicked dad out. Since he's already out this time, what's up?" Zach asks with that smile that makes me feel a tad pathetic. Sometimes I forget that he's not a kid anymore and that I can't really think of tricking him with a tasty dinner.
"Okay," I yield in front of his bluntness as I place the cake on the table and sit back on my chair. "So…"
Where do I even start?
"So?" Zach invites me. His arms crossed on the table, he's staring at me in expectation.
So… "It's just…" that I'm pregnant. It's so easy.
"Mom is pregnant," Grace says, rather matter-of-factly, and I find myself throwing her a glance of utter shock.
"You are what?" Zach stares at me in what I can't say if it's more disbelief, shock or amusement. It's probably a perfect combination of the first two with a hint of the third.
"Grace!" I reproach her. This wasn't exactly how I had planned it to go.
"You kept playing for time," she shrugs.
Did I? "I wasn't playing for time," I complain. I was rather looking for the right words, though I can't come up with any more suitable and explicit words to tell the truth. I can't really discuss flowers and bees with two adolescents who certainly know more than I want to know, especially when it comes to birth control.
"Aren't you and dad separated?" Zach asks me and his question is honestly valid. He knows little about what I've been through with Will, though I'm sure that at some point, back during our affair, he might have suspected something.
"It's not dad's," I say very quietly, hoping he draws the conclusion himself, for he has enough information to put the pieces together.
"Oh." His shock makes me reconsider my thoughts. Maybe he has less information than I think he does.
"It's Will's," Grace offers him the conclusion on a silver platter, making me gape in astonishment.
I'm dumbfounded and maybe, all things considered, it's better. My death glare is more than enough.
"What did I miss while I was in college?" Zach's confusion gives away a light disappointment. I'm not sure if it's for the pregnancy, for having been left out of my life, or for being clueless about anything that might have happened since he left. But his gaze and his smile are clearly out of phase.
"We are… back together… sort of," I explain, but as I speak my answer I realize that he obviously doesn't know we have been together in the first place.
"Back?"
I sigh and nod with a light smile, one loaded with the sorrow I feel for everything he never knew. "You don't want the details," – painful details, I abstain from adding - "but yes, back."
He looks down for a moment. I don't say anything else and leave him the time to soak up the news. He glances at me a few times and all I can do is smile to reassure him it's fine. Complicated but fine.
"Aren't you too…" He pauses and stares at me, as if not daring to voice the rest of the question.
I wonder what he means, what he wants to know. Then realization comes.
Old.
"Don't even try to say that word," I spit with faux offense, as I try to sound intimidating but I fail. Who am I kidding? It's one of my main concerns too.
"I meant… are you okay? With… it?" he stutters.
I shrug, for I know what he means. "It took a while to get used to the idea, but now I'm fine." My hand moves instinctively to cover his in a reassuring gesture.
"So now what? Are you moving in together?"
Zach's question catches me slightly off guard, for we don't really have anything planned… yet.
"We haven't made any plans yet. But that's why I wanted to talk to you both tonight. This Sunday your father will make the separation official to the press," I reveal, as my gaze shifts between them. "I don't want you to be at the press conference but it would be a nice gesture towards your father if you'd both spend the weekend with him. He would be happy to have you by his side for a few days."
I assist silently at their exchange of glances and mental discussion.
"Is he… sad?" Grace's naïve question makes me smile. She already knows the answer. I could say he's-hurt-mad-and-devastated is the unpleasant option.
"He needs you." It sounds much better. And at second thought, it's very true. It's the end of a marriage, not a family, and as much as I'm about to build a new one with Will, I don't want this one to fall into pieces. In the end, it's my kids and the man I spent twenty years of my life with. You don't blot it out.
Zach clouds and I know he's brooding about something, but I have no idea what. He looks pensive, his gaze down. He's not looking at me and for a moment I fear he's blaming me for hurting Peter like this.
"Will you make the baby news public, too?" he finally asks with a gravity that I'm sure doesn't belong to him.
"No. Not yet," I hasten to reassure them both. "But it's the best for everyone if the separation comes out now. It would look… bad if the news of this pregnancy would spread first." I can't help but be reminded of Peter's words. You are the one who will look like you cheated. Though spoken in a moment of anger, they still hurt. I shrug away the sad feeling that they still give me. "And it's too soon anyway." This comes out without a real filter and when I become aware of what I said it's too late to retreat.
"Too soon for what?" Zach asks, his brows kitted in confusion.
I hesitate, I'm not sure I want to add more troubles, but I have no real choice. " To be sure that things will go well."
Grace's worried look tells me that she knows what I'm talking about. "You mean, losing the baby?"
"Yes," I confirm with a deep exhale. "It's okay, you don't have to worry, whatever happens, we just have to take it one step at a time and everything will be fine." I add with a warm smile.
"So now we become what? One of those extended families?" Zach asks and his words amuse me.
I laugh softly, the thought is funny. Or not? "I have no idea what we become," I reply, still between laughter. "I don't know… How about we just take it slowly? All you have to know now is that dad is going to make the separation official in a few days and that if everything goes smoothly you will have a sister or a brother by the end of November," I say with all the optimism I have.
"A sister," Grace reminds me of her request.
"A brother," Zach retorts.
Oh Lord.