"They won't be able to leave the vestibule," said Batman, shutting the door to the room firmly on Ivy and Selina and locking it. "I've got crosses above the doors which will prevent them from transforming even if we don't return before dark. It also subdues their strength so they can't break the locks."
"How do you know so much about vampires, Batsy?" asked Joker. "Got an unhealthy obsession, huh? Is that where the Batman idea really came from? One too many Dracula movies?"
"I make it my business to know my enemy," retorted Batman. "Whoever that might be."
"Yeah? What's my favorite color?" asked Joker.
"Uh…purple?" said Batman.
"Aw, Batsy, you do know me!" chuckled Joker.
Harley stirred in his arms suddenly. "You stay here with her," said Batman. "I'm going on a vampire hunt."
"What? You're not gonna leave me out of the vampire shish-kebabing!" retorted Joker.
"We can't leave Harley here on her own in case he comes back for her," said Batman.
"Then let's take her with us," retorted Joker.
"I don't think she's strong enough to be moved…"
"Aw, sure she is!" exclaimed Joker. "Little vampire bite ain't gonna put my Harley girl outta action, huh, pooh bear?" he asked, cuddling her gently. "I've hurt you a lot worse than this, haven't I?"
"Uh huh…Mr. J," whispered Harley, forcing a smile.
"See, she's fine," said Joker, helping her up. Harley took a step and immediately collapsed in his arms again.
"She can't even walk," said Batman. "She's seriously hurt and…"
"I told Pengers, and I tell you, I hear the word 'seriously' and I tune out," chuckled Joker. "And she don't have to walk. I'll carry her."
"Can't do that, Mr. J," murmured Harley, smiling. "I'm too fat to be carried, remember?"
Joker laughed. "Then you're lucky Daddy J works out, ain't ya, kiddo?" he murmured, picking her up and kissing her. "See, not so heavy. You may be able to stop dieting after all, you colossal waste of space. And I do mean that literally."
Batman was beyond puzzled about how being called fat could be endearing, but judging by Harley's glowing face, it clearly was to her. He shook his head and then headed for the church door, muttering, "Follow me. And keep up."
"Ja wohl, mein Batmeister," said Joker, saluting. Harley giggled, cuddling against him. They left the church and Batman scanned the area.
"All criminals leave a trail," he muttered, kneeling down. "Especially if they're overconfident, like this guy is. He's sloppy."
"Plus that holy water I threw at him means he's shedding skin," said Joker, nodding at the ashes Batman held in his hand.
"Yes, that too," muttered Batman. "He's heading for the East side. What's over there that he could have been invited into before?"
"Not our place," said Joker. "That's the other side of town."
"Red's," murmured Harley. "She lives on the East side at the moment, near the botanical gardens."
"And she invited Bela back to her place to watch vampire movies!" exclaimed Joker.
"I don't think…that's what they were gonna do, Mr. J," said Harley slowly.
"Can you show us where Ivy lives?" asked Batman.
"Lived, I think you mean, Batsy," chuckled Joker. "What with her being un-dead and all now."
Harley nodded heavily. "Yeah. I'm just…really tired, Mr. J," she murmured, shutting her eyes and leaning against Joker's chest.
"Keep her awake," snapped Batman. "If we lose her, we lose Dracula."
"Yeah, c'mon, Harl, now's not the time for sleeping," said Joker, shaking her gently. "Not unless you don't wanna wake up ever."
"I'm not sure I can help it, Mr. J," murmured Harley.
"Well, I can," retorted Joker. "This is for your own good, Harley."
He began tickling her mercilessly, and she writhed against him, giggling. "Mr. J…stop!" she gasped.
"Won't stop until we get to Pammie's," retorted Joker.
"We'll take my car," said Batman. "Let's move."
…
"That's it!" gasped Harley, pointing to a building. "Now please stop tickling me, Mr. J!"
Joker obeyed as he carried her out of the car, following Batman up the steps of the house. Batman slowly pushed open the door, clutching the stake in his hand. "What on earth happened here?" he muttered, pushing the door open wider to reveal chaos.
Masses of plants lay dead or dying, writhing slowly on the dirt floor. "Looks like there was some kinda fight," muttered Joker.
"Red's babies wouldn't like the man who took her away," whispered Harley. "But I guess Dracula can handle plants. Red ain't gonna be happy when she finds out about this, though."
"If she finds out about this," corrected Joker.
"She's…she's gotta be ok, huh, Mr. J?" asked Harley. "I mean, I'm ok, so she's…she's gonna be fine, right?"
"Of course, pumpkin pie," replied Joker. "Little vampire bite is nothing, like I said."
"Yeah," agreed Harley. "Most painful hickey I've ever got, though."
Joker laughed, but Batman held up his hand. "Quiet, both of you," he muttered. "He's in here. He may try to run."
But as they searched every inch of the house from top to bottom, there was no sign of Dracula. "Guess you were wrong, Bats," said Joker. "He's gotta be somewhere else. Maybe he left after the whole plant attack…"
"Where could he have gone?" demanded Batman. "Who else could have invited him in?"
"You tell me – you're the World's Greatest Detective," retorted Joker. "All I know is, we're running out of time here, in case you hadn't noticed," he said, nodding at the window where the sun hung low in the sky.
"You sure I can't sleep, Mr. J?" murmured Harley. "Just for a little while…"
"No, c'mon, stay with me, kid," he snapped, shaking her again.
"He's got to be here," insisted Batman.
"Where then?" demanded Joker.
A thought suddenly struck Batman, and he looked down. "In the ground," he murmured. "Look how these plants are uprooted – it's not just because he was trying to kill them. He was trying to remove them."
Joker gently put Harley down, and then struck her violently across the face. "Ow!" shrieked Harley. "What the hell was that for?!"
"Pain will keep you awake, pumpkin," he said, patting her head and rushing over to join Batman in digging away at the dirt. They didn't have to dig far before they reached a long, wooden box. They cleared the dirt off this, and then Joker slowly pulled the lid off while Batman crouched above it, stake raised.
Dracula lay within, on a bed of dirt, eyes closed and smiling triumphantly. Joker nodded at Batman, who just looked down at Dracula. "C'mon, Bats," hissed Joker. "What are you waiting for?"
"Maybe…it's not too late to save him too," murmured Batman. "I…don't want to take a life, not even one as evil and corrupted as his…"
"Oh, for God's sake, Bats!" shouted Joker, seizing the stake from him. "Stop with the Messiah complex already!"
He thrust the stake down violently, into Dracula's heart. He awoke instantly, screaming and writhing in pain.
"Not everyone can be saved, all right?!" shouted Joker over the screaming, reaching for his knife. "Sometimes the best thing for 'em is just to put 'em outta their misery with a big, juicy stake through the heart! But fangs for the memories, Bela – it's been a real slice!" Joker cried, slicing his knife across Dracula's throat. The vampire instantly disintegrated into a pile of ashes.
Joker laughed triumphantly. "Yeah! Who's the most feared now, huh?! Joke's on you, isn't it, Bela? Y'see, I thought of a gag after all! And nobody likes a joke that keeps repeating itself, so just stay dead!" he shouted, pointing at the ashes.
Batman sighed heavily, straightening up and going over to Harley. He was relieved to see the marks on her throat had disappeared, although a new mark was appearing on her cheek from where Joker had punched her.
"She's fine, Joker," said Batman.
"I ain't fine!" snapped Harley. "I've been sexually harassed, given a hickey against my will, told to do this and that, and to top it all off, the guy who's supposed to love me and wanna save me tickles me until it hurts and then punches me in the face!"
"Yep. Great day, huh, Harley girl?" chuckled Joker, kissing her.
"Yeah, I guess it was, Mr. J!" she sighed, hugging him tightly.
Batman shook his head again, and then turned to look at the remains of Dracula. "What are we going to do about the ashes?" he murmured. "We don't want this to happen ever again."
"You leave that to me, Batsy," said Joker, reaching into his jacket. "Da Vinci said a way to make sure a vampire stays dead is to burn the body. So that's what I'm gonna do," he said, pulling out a box with his face on it.
"What is it?" asked Batman, puzzled.
"It's a bomb," said Joker, cheerfully. "And it's got…ten seconds to go."
Batman stared at him in disbelief, and then seized Harley in his arms and raced from the house. A second later, the bomb detonated, and the entire building went up in flames. "Puddin'!" shrieked Harley.
"I'm ok!" he shouted, emerging from the flaming wreckage and dusting himself off. "I get blown up a lot – never does me any harm. Which is more than I can say for old Bela!" he chuckled, turning around to gaze at his handiwork. "I think that's one colossal pain in the neck that won't be coming back. You have no idea how annoying it is, Bats, to think that somebody's dead, that you've seen the last of them, that they're gone for good, and then to have them just miraculously reappear a few weeks later."
"No," muttered Batman, glaring at Joker. "I have absolutely no idea what that would be like."