I know, I know, I made you wait. That was unfair. But I'm here now and I hope you enjoy this, to make up for such a long wait. A good episode this one...
On a slightly unrelated but on-topic note: THE TEARS OF UTHER PENDRAGON PART ONE! *dies*
I should probably mention in advance that I own neither Merlin nor large chunks of Monty Python dialogue...
The Labyrinth of Gedref... Which totally isn't a made up word *shifty eyes*
I- Yes. The Roman Numerals have returned.
Here we are in a forest, and I would be getting déjà-vu from episode six if it wasn't for the fact that the atmosphere is a lot more tense and this time Arthur and Merlin have a load of knights with them (you know, just in case any bandit attacks that happen to be centred around evil fairy people who want to kill Arthur occur. These things happen more frequently than one might expect, you know).
Arthur is armed (and sexy) with crossbows being the weapon of the day. Merlin is carrying the bags and playing distraction for whatever they are hunting. We don't know what it is, nor does Merlin and it turns out Arthur doesn't know either. So, good luck Merlin and try not to get your head torn off.
MERLIN *sarcasm mode* Don't I feel appreciated today?
They are in a very dark, deep and dingy part of the forest today. All the three Ds. It doesn't exactly bode well. Merlin isn't exactly good at stealth either but at least he's found a nice big stick to help him in case he meets something nasty that wants to bite his head off. It isn't as if he has magic or anything to make it go away...
However right now Merlin's expression and the soundtrack are indicating that he's seen something rather awesome and important to the plot. It's a unicorn. With a fringe.
Merlin is so awestruck by the unicorn and its fringe that he drops the stick and cannot help but go a little closer to it.
Unfortunately this is when Arthur turns up with his crossbow.
MERLIN Oh crap. Please go away unicorn, I don't want you to DIE!
UNICORN *stubbornly refuses to move*
Meanwhile:
ARTHUR Ye gasp! An unnatural creature with a horn in the centre of its head! It must be magic and magic = BAD. This needs something more than just an arrow. Bring the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!
KNIGHT *brings the Holy Hand Grenade*
ARTHUR How does it... um... how does it work?
KNIGHT I know not, my liege.
ARTHUR Consult the Book of Armaments.
KNIGHT Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
ARTHUR Skip a bit...
KNIGHT And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
ARTHUR Right. One... two... five!
KNIGHT Three, sir.
ARTHUR Three! *throws the Holy Hand Grenade*
Don't ask. Just don't.
UNICORN *dies*
MERLIN Oh bugger
SOUNDTRACK *indicates that a VERY BAD AND TERRRIBLE THING WITH CAPITAL LETTERS just happened*
ARTHUR I am so awesome
MERLIN Right. That's it. There is no way you are getting any sex toni-
Unfortunately he is cut off by the fact that Spock Prime, erm, I mean, I mysterious looking old guy in a robe with a stick is standing right behind Arthur and not looking very happy. Until Arthur turns round to see what Merlin is staring at, at which point he disappears.
And there are some credits.
OPENING CREDITS (see, I told you. On which note- they still haven't updated the credits for series three. Meh)
II- Back in Camelot, Arthur is presenting the unicorn's horn for Uther and the plebs to gawp at
Merlin is carrying this horn on a cushion and is not happy about it. Uther, on the other hand, is pretty much delighted, even if Arthur has interrupted him in the middle of a filing session.
UTHER Come and gawp at this unicorn horn, Gaius
GAIUS Very impressive, my lord *bitchplz look*
Uther knows when Gaius is doing the "bitchplz" look though and demands an explanation as to why the "bitchplz" look is necessary. Gaius explains that legend says a curse will fall upon whoever kills a unicorn. Neither Uther nor Arthur seem to bothered about this.
Gaius and Merlin then have a little chat about how Arthur is a prat and Merlin is very lucky to have seen a unicorn. Gaius seems apprehensive.
III- Arthur, on the other hand, is having a chillax and Merlin-bullying session in his chambers (and for using the word "chillax" I will now go to a very special circle of hell.)
Merlin and his face-like-a-wounded-bear are having none of it. Arthur isn't very happy that Merlin isn't very happy about him killing the unicorn. He is also rather annoyed about something else, which apparently requires him to manhandle Merlin into bending over to see.
MERTHUR FANS *die a little of happiness inside*
So yeah, there's a rat in Arthur's chambers. Why? Because of a random little joke the scriptwriter threw in which will rear its head again later. No other reason. More pressing matters are at hand however now, namely that the king requests Arthur's service as a matter of urgency.
ARTHUR Find that rat
MERLIN *sighs. Attempts bitchplz-face and fails miserably*
Far away from the happy, smiley, hey-look-a-joke soundtrack, the crops have died. All over Camelot. Overnight. In very short sentences. This is not a good thing. The scene (with the exception of Uther and Arthur and the knight's bright red cloaks/coats) is very monochrome. And this is a sign of how my friend-who-does-film-studies is affecting my brain.
IV- Luckily Gaius and some SCIENCE are here to find out what happened
MERLIN It's teh magics!
GAIUS We can't assume that
MERLIN Oh really, because that's the conclusion somebody jumps to most episodes and they are usually right
Meanwhile, with still very monochrome colour schemes, Arthur is busy showing Uther how little grain they have left and explaining just how screwed they are. Which is very. Uther's solution- a curfew and all looters will be executed.
Gwen is now here in order to talk to Merlin and ask some obvious questions just in case the viewers are goldfish who need to be reminded that the crops are all dead. The real point of this scene, however, becomes evident when she attempts to fill her bucket at the water pump.
GWEN Teh scarf? Merlin!
Merlin returns to discover that instead of water, Gwen's pumping sand into her bucket. And still pumping it, despite the fact that it is obviously sand and there is no water. You can stop pumping it now Gwen, really.
MERLIN We are so screwed
A cut later:
UTHER We are so screwed
Even more than they thought. There is no water in the well and none in the reservoir. Just sand. And Uther, please stop leaning into that freaking well... It is giving me the creeps even though there's another series left to go before... Well, spoilers. *shudder*
UTHER Gaius, any explanation?
GAIUS Erm... sorcery
MERLIN *totally off screen* I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU SO!
UTHER We are so screwed
V- I am very sorry, Merlin, but teh magics ain't gonna cut it. That sand is not going to turn back into water no matter how many silly words you throw at it
And Gaius agrees with me.
And so does the ominous soundtrack of doom.
At night, Arthur is drilling his knights on the subject of curfew
ARTHUR Patrol the town all one is to leave their homes. Not even you lot. Dismissed
KNIGHTS *march away* *singing very quietly to keep in step* we're knights of the round table, we dance when e'er we're able...
MERLIN *strolls out merrily*
ARTHUR Merlin, you do know what the word "curfew" means, don't you?
MERLIN Yes. I was in your chambers...
MERTHUR FANS *minisquee*
MERLIN ... looking for the rat
ARTHUR As I am contractually obliged to milk this "rat" joke for all it is worth, I shall now snark about the fact that you were outwitted by a rat. Go ho-
Unfortunately he does not get to finish his sentence, after catching a glimpse of a figure in a white flappy cloak going somewhere they aren't allowed to be. What to do? How about following them to find out what teh scarf is going on! Great idea, lets go! Complete with v. dramatic multiple-step-leaping from Arthur.
However downstairs there is no sign of the strange man. Merlin is also no good at reading hand gestures but eventually annoyed!Arthur gets the message across and they split up, only to meet again in the middle... But what is this? Hooded-man is right behind them! More chasing occurs and once again they finish up where they started. Arthur's going all blamey on Merlin but then...
HOODED MAN Are you looking for me?
... No.
HOODED MAN I am Anhora- Keeper of the Unicorns. With capital letters and everything, if you don't mind
Arthur's face is utterly and adorably bemused.
ANHORA I have come to deliver a message. Basically you killed a unicorn and that's bad and if you don't make up for it you and all of Camelot is screwed. Sound fair?
ARTHUR Not really. How does arrest sound to you? *grabs at Anhora*
ANHORA *disappears and reappears at the top of the stairs* You'll face a series of tests to prove you've made amends. If you fail any of them, Camelot is screwed.
Merlin and Arthur look very pale and worried. It is a very nice image in which they look very pretty and their clothes are very colourful but that isn't really the point.
ARTHUR I am so screwed
VI- Merlin told Gaius about last night's hi-jinks then...
... well, maybe not all of them ;)
Merlin is using Gaius earlier exposition to figure out that what Anhora said was true. Gaius is busy informing Merlin that he used Merlin's old bathwater to make tea. It's alright, Merlin, boiling water kills the germs- you'll live. Merlin doesn't seem convinced.
GAIUS What does Arthur think about the curse?
MERLIN *derisive snort* What do you think? He's being a prat (as per usual) and blaming Anhora (of course)
ME *feels all clever for using the word "derisive"*
Arthur- meanwhile- still has a hole in his boot. Obviously Merlin hasn't caught it yet. Arthur's solution? Throw the boot at Merlin. That isn't going to help Merlin catch the rat any quicker, Arthur, but I guess whatever makes you feel better...
MERLIN So... About this curse...
ARTHUR Oh shut up. Its not my fault and Anhora was obviously lying because we had him cornered
MERLIN You have noticed that this guy can Apparate, haven't you?
ARTHUR Oh, shut up. And you're helping me catch Anhora tonight by the way
MERLIN ... o_O
And cut to the evening, where Merlin's made himself comfortable and Arthur isn't happy about it. I am loving Bradley James' whole attitude in this scene, even if Arthur is being an arse.
There's a light in the distance. Someone's coming. Arthur draws his sword, just in case. Merlin grabs a handy scythe thing. Maybe intimidated by Arthur's pointless sword-twirling, the intruder emerges. But it isn't Anhora. Nope, it's some peasant. With a shovel.
ARTHUR Who are you?
PEASANT There are some who call me... Tim
ARTHUR Evan. Right.
EVAN That'll do
ARTHUR I see you think you can help yourself to our grain reserves. Doesn't explain the tiny bag and the enormous shovel but I'll let that lie. Anyway, you should probably be executed now
EVAN But what about my wife and children? I don't want them to DIE
ARTHUR Go home then. But if you come back I won't spare you again. Got it?
EVAN Pretty much. *voice suddenly goes weird and monotonous and not-mysterious-at-all-with-extra-shifty-eyes* You have shown yourself to be merciful and kind. This will bring its own reward.*leaves. Arthur lets him keep the grain as well... But not the shovel*
Merlin is wearing an expression halfway between weirded-out and "do-you-think-that-was-your-first-test-then-my-lord."
VII- Its a bright morning and Gwen's out... So are some guards, chasing some bloke for some reason.
Gwen looks sad. But by some strange miracle- even though she's standing quite a way from the water pump- she spots a drop of water on the edge. She tests her theory by pumping some water into a bucket that just happened to be laying around and- yep- its water. Not sand any more. Hooray and stuffs. You can stop pumping water now Gwen, I know you're happy to have it back but you don't really want to waste it.
Cut to Arthur and Merlin guzzling water from tankards as if it were ale. Or something. Which is a point. Didn't they have ale or wine stored somewhere to drink even when the water was sand, or was that all sandy too? Hm. Maybe all the water in the ale turned to sand so you just got sandy slops... Maybe I'm reading too deeply into this. One or the other. Or something completely different.
ARTHUR Well, don't you think its a huge and quite staggering yet sort of cool coincidence that the water returned to the well the very morning after I spared that guy who was stealing from the grain stalls?
MERLIN *cough*
ARTHUR ... Meh
MERLIN You don't have to listen to me...
ARTHUR Glad we agree on something
MERLIN Quiet. I'm ranting. Isn't ending your people's suffering the best thing that could happen? Why don't we seek Anhora out? And not telling Uther would be a good idea there too.
ARTHUR Still "meh". But let's go for it
Arthur leaves and Merlin looks slightly irritated (especially as Arthur is pretty adamant that Merlin find him some food). That's when he notices the rat squeaking around in Arthur's boot. Any person who has been following the gag so far can see where this is going.
VIII – The water might have come back but the grain still hasn't so people are still queuing in large numbers for their rations
Worried!Arthur looks worried. Morgana is wearing a polar bear and doesn't seem to know a peasant when she sees one. Meanwhile, Morgana and Gwen are sneakily stealing food to share amongst the children and old people. You know. It's nice of them but it's also kind of cliché, unfortunately.
That evening Arthur's changed his entire attitude to food and decided he can't eat while his people are starving, which is a shame because Merlin's made him some stew. You can see where this is going, can't you? Arthur's too bust angsting about being responsible for the curse to see where this is going and he and Merlin are going to go into the forest to kind Anhora and sort this shiz out. Merlin is très happy about this.
And yes. It's rat stew. Arthur isn't amused and nor are we. Though we do get some nice sarcastic Arthur into the bargin, so I'm willing to forgive and forget. Mm, nice sarcastic Bradley James. Yes please.
Oh look, its Morgana. And she's wondering if they have anything to eat...
IX – In the deep dark forest, which looks more like a jungle to be honest right now, there's so many plants...
Merlin and Arthur are looking for footprints. You know, because a guy who can Apperate is going to leave plenty of those.
Or he's just going to turn up round about now. Quick! After him!
Oh, and Merlin's lost Arthur already. Way to go.
Arthur, however, after some dramatic running through the forest finds... Evan. Evan's looking smug.
EVEN *smugly* Hi there, bitch
ARTHUR You! You're a thief
EVAN I know, right. Can you tell from all these bags of random food hanging around? And watermelons. At least, they look like watermelons. Not sure where I got watermelons in dark ages England, but hey
Evan is still being smug and insulting and making Arthur angry by calling him a coward and saying he would not make a good king. There is a sword fight. Evan spends most of it being smug and asking if the King wonders if Arthur is even his son. Please Evan, don't start up an internet rumour mill, there'll be chaos!
At which point Evan dissapperates and Anhora appears behind Arthur.
ARTHUR This is your doing!
ANHORA No shit, Sherlock
SHERLOCK Did someone say my name?
JOHN *drags Sherlock back to his own series*
Sorry. Couldn't help it. Sherlock is an awesome show.
ANHORA You have a really low anger threshold, you know that?
ARTHUR Lift the curse!
ANHORA I've told you several times now that I can't actually do that. Now Camelot will pay dearly. And it's all your fault. Bye.
The chanting people in the background are getting very excited. It is actually quite awesome.
And so Merlin turns up far too late.
Notice how I have not commented one on the shot of Bradley James' rather nice arse that they have given us.
X – All the remaining grain has rotted
UTHER We are so screwed.
Oh, some nice shots of gargoyles. Pointless, but an interesting addition. Thank you, director (can't be bothered to look up who directed this episode).
MERLIN Arthur's a prat. He loves his people, but he's a prat
GAIUS Yeah. Right, we're eating beetles now, yes?
MERLIN We are so completely screwed.
Meanwhile Arthur and Uther have a conversation. It basically reiterates how screwed Camelot it and Uther decides to be a selfish bastard and keep all the remaining food for themselves and the army. *sigh*
Arthur is, understandable, not happy about this.
Especially as Uther is far too proud than ask other kingdoms for help.
UTHER Give the order. Now. Or else.
Long tense silence.
ARTHUR You'll have to give that order yourself.
Now that's awesome.
XI – The battlements appear to be Teh Place to Go when you is feeling angsty
Cue Arthur and Merlin looking depressed on the battlements like angsty peoples. Arthur says some exposition to Merlin and Merlin is all nice and reassuring and "You weren't to know you were being tested" and it's very sweet. But Arthur is still depressed and "this is all my doing." I think I may go curl up and cry, because they both look so very sad and it's making me sad.
So Merlin's gone to find Anhora and sort this shiz out!
MERLIN Anhora!
ECHO Anhora-ora-ora-ra-ra-ah-ah-ah-wantyourbadromance
ANHORA You wanted to see me?
MERLIN Wow. How did you figure that one out? Anyway, the people are starving
ANHORA I have now lost count of the number of times I've told you that it is not in my power to lift the curse
AUDIENCE Us too! We get it already, writers!
MERLIN Please, just give Arthur one more chance. I can't bear to see him angsting and hating himself, it makes me upset.
ANHORA You have faith in Arthur?
MERLIN I trust him with my life
ANHORA I'll hold you to that. The Labyrinth of Gedref, ASAP. Be there or be screwed. *randomly apperates around for no apparent reason and disappears*
Irritated-and-confused!Merlin is irritated and confused.
XII – Cut to Arthur putting on his armour and telling Merlin he is going alone
You know., Because that's the noble thing to do
MERLIN I'm coming with you. I don't want you to DIE!
ARTHUR No you're not. You're staying and helping the people. Got it? *leaves*
MERLIN Oh for heaven's sake
Arthur should really realise by now that Merlin isn't going to leave his princely arse to get into trouble. No siree.
Silly prince.
So Arthur rides away with his hair all bouncy across hills and valleys and all that jazz (Merlin follows him with his hair not so bouncy) until he reaches the Labyrinth of Gedref
ARTHUR Oh crap, it's the maze from the Third Task of the Triwizard Tournament. THAT THING SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME! AND IT WASN'T LIKE IT WAS IN THE BOOK!
No, it was way, way scarier.
Merlin then comes across the Labyrinth
MERLIN This is gonna suck
At least Arthur has his sword. He enters the Labyrinth and the awesome music starts
GOBLINS Dance, magic dance!
NOT THAT LABYRINTH!
Anyway, this has got to be one of my favourite Merlin sequences ever. Just watch it. It's awesome
Oh look. Merlin's found Anhora.
MERLIN You! You're preparing a trap for Arthur
ANHORA The trap isn't for Arthur. It is for you
And so a load of plants appear and trap Merlin. This really is the maze from the Third Task... though it's significantly less scary and has significantly more awesome music.
But hey, Arthur's found the exit. It leads to a beach where Merlin is sitting at a table. Weird time for a picnic.
ARTHUR Let Merlin go
ANHORA Sorry. Merlin is part of the test
ARTHUR Well isn't that brilliant? *sits down*I thought I told you to stay at home
What an unusual way of putting it... Which has just the right amount of subtext to keep the Merthur fans happy
Anhora then explains the test. There are two goblets, one filled with "a deadly poison" and the other with "a harmless liquid" (are these people incapable of just saying "water"?) All the liquid from both goblets must be drunk but each of them can only drink from a single goblet.
Arthur isn't impressed, but hey, if he passes then the curse will be lifted. The inevitable argument starts. The whole "I'm more expendable than you" malarkey. But that still doesn't tell them which goblet contains the poison.
MERLIN AND ARTHUR I don't want you to DIE!
ARTHUR Stop trying to be a hero Merlin, it really doesn't suit you
AUDIENCE Heh, dramatic irony
ARTHUR I had no idea you were so keen to die for me
MERLIN I can hardly believe it myself
Slightly awkward pause
ARTHUR I'm glad you're here, Merlin
AUDEINCE *collective "aw"*
MERTHUR FANS *die happy*
Then Merlin then comes up with an idea. They pour all the liquid into one goblet then one of them drinks it. Simple.
ARTHUR Wow. You never cease to surprise me; you're a lot smarter than you look
MERLIN Is that actually a complement?
MERTHUR FANS *still dying happily*
But that just rekindles the old argument of which of them will drink it
ARTHUR AND MERLIN But I don't want you to DIE!
ARTHUR Too late.
Arthur pours all the liquid into one goblet and prepares to drink it
MERLIN You can't die! This isn't your destiny!
THE GREAT SLASH DRAGON, GAIUS AND THE REST OF THE MERTHUR SHIPPERS FAN CLUB ... Destiny? *on the edge of their seats with nervousness*
GSD Hey, I haven't been in this episode
THE REST OF THE MERTHUR SHIPPERS FAN CLUB Sssh!
MERLIN Listen to me!
ARTHUR You know me, Merlin. I never listen to you *drinks*
Well, that was pretty awesome. Then, of course, Arthur falls dramatically and slow-motiony off his chair.
MERLIN Arthur!No! *runs to his side*
MERTHUR FANS *are now very happy ghosts*
ANHORA He's not dead, you know. It was only a sleeping draught
MERLIN ... Pardon?
ANHORA He had to prove that he was pure of heart, like a unicorn, and did so by showing he was willing to sacrifice himself for you. Long story short, the curse will be lifted.
XIII – And sure enough, back in Camelot, everything is generally happy and the crops have grown back and everything. Yay :)
UTHER Awesome! Is the sorcerer dead then?
ARTHUR He won't be troubling us any more *meaningful look at Merlin*
But before he helps with the restocking of the grain or whatever, there is something Arthur has to do. Which is to take the unicorn's horn back into the forest and say sorry for killing it.
At which point Merlin notices... The Unicorn has come back to life
And so has its fringe.
And that can't be anything but a good thing
:)
NEXT TIME
Morgana's evil looks are here. And they are here to stay. And the Dragon would be quite happy if Uther was dead, thank you very much
In the meantime: THE TEARS OF UTHER PENDRAGON PART TWO. TONIGHT!
Oh, and please review, good peoples :)