As I stared blankly at the debris that fell flat on the black-haired boy that I love, the rope finally came loose but now, I can't even move any muscle. I was too stunned, too devastated. With my trembling hands, I checked his diary. To my utter surprise, his previous entry … was voided. The scenario where he was crushed by a debris was erased and was replaced with a scenario where he dies due to blood lost. "T-Toshii … Toshii! I'll get you out of there!" I shouted as I ran towards the debris with tears flowing freely from my eyes. One by one, I moved the pieces of debris aside. Some of them were heavy, some of them had some pieces of shrapnel that managed to cut my palms. I don't care about the pain. I don't care if these wounds will leave scars in my hands. I only want to see him again, I want to hold him again. "I'll find you, Toshii! Just don't give up!" I shouted as I kept on pushing the debris aside.
"Gasai? Where the hell is Toshiro?" A familiar female voice asked. I averted my eyes in front of me. Our purple-haired terrorist ally carefully entered the room. "Were you … the one who planted that bomb?" I coldly asked as I shifted my eyes back to the rubble. "What? What are you talking about? I haven't detonated my explosives yet! Wait. Is he …" Minene said as she slowly realized what happened in the room. "Help me find him! Stop looking around and help me!" I annoyingly shouted. She then pulls out her phone and dialled a number. After a few seconds, she began talking to someone. "Oy! Where are you?! We need you here, Mist," She said as she kept a close eye in the hallway. "What? What the hell happened? Where's Yuno-chan? Where's To-" "If you want to see you brother alive, get your ass over here! Now!" Minene shouted as she ends the call and began helping me.
After a few minutes, a panting Mist arrived in the room. "What the hell happened here?! Where's Toshiro?!" Mist frantically asked as we nearly reached bottom of the debris. "We don't have much time! Please! Help us! He's under the rubble! We only have a couple of minutes left before he bleeds out!" I frantically answered to which he quickly obliged. After moving some rubble, I finally saw his black hair. "Toshii!" I shouted with some relief in my voice. Mist and Minene quickly moved the surrounding rubble aside, and we found Toshii who's still faintly breathing. I grabbed him and slowly pulled him out. "H-His eye … what happened to his eye?!" Mist frantically asked with fear in his voice as he took out a clean piece of cloth to apply pressure on Toshii's wound. "He … faced his former partner's lackey. He underestimated him …" I replied as he began tending Toshii. "We need to go! I could hear them coming!" Minene shouted as she pulls out her pistol and readies her detonating device. Mist slowly picked Toshii up from my hands. "Minene! Cover me! We'll rush him back to my car and bring him to the hospital!" He shouted. We sprinted as fast as we could as we escaped the abandoned factory. Minene used her explosives to keep the armed men at bay. Finally reached the car with Toshii's body slowly becoming cold. As Mist began driving towards the nearest hospital, I held Toshii's cold body in my arms. He's still fighting, and as long he keeps on breathing, I won't give up on him.
I slowly opened my eye. The purple-ish dome ceiling of a familiar Cathedral was the first thing that I saw. Where the hell am I? Did I die? I should've died earlier, right? I was pretty sure I was crushed by a debris or bled out to death. I slowly sat up. Why am I here in the Causality Cathedral? I don't get it. Is this where the dead participants go once they die?
Not really.
A familiar voice behind me got my attention. I turned around to see Shaco, who's much more transparent from before. "S-Shaco … what happened to you? Wait. Am I d-" "No, you're not. I told you, didn't I? I gave you one final push. Your sheer instinct and will to survive kept you alive when you lost consciences." Shaco stated as he stared at me blankly. "I-I see. Odd. I really believed that I died earlier. Is Yuno okay?" I asked him. "I don't know. I'm pretty sure Minene and aniki came around to help her. If you're still here, that means they managed to escape that factory with your body." He replied as he began walking around. "Oh. Wait. Are we in my dream world?" I asked him as I followed his movement with my eyes. Something's off. His presence feels more … dreadful than the usual. "No. This is the real Casualty Cathedral. Our very existence … is linked here." He replied.
"Huh? Our existence?" I asked. His words … are really confusing. Why are we linked here? Why are we linked to the realm of Deus? "Yeah. Think of our meeting right now as a, soul-to-soul conversation. I'm … no longer in your head, after all." Shaco replied as he sat down on our iron throne. "What? The hell are you talking about? Seriously, speak some sense, man. I don't underst-" "I don't have much time left. I made this meeting possible so that I could ready you for your true purpose," He said with a cold tone in his voice. My true purpose? "Don't worry. I'm not going to use you or anything. Before anything else, Toshiro, do you want to know the truth of this world?" He asked. "The truth?" I mumbled. Something is really off. Why is it I'm starting to feel uneasy? This never happened before whenever I talked to him. "Yeah, the truth. Aru, Akise knows it. MurMur and Deus knows it too," He said as he stood up. "And I found out about it when my consciousness, my essence, my very soul was transferred into yours." He said as he slowly began walking towards me.
Truth … what is the truth that he speaks off? The truth … of this world? "I do believe that you had feeling before that you got caught up in a bigger mess, right?" Shaco asked. "Y-Yeah. Back when I talked to Akise." I replied. "Well, at least you had a hunch. What do you think?" He asked with a smirk on his face. "I … we're a part of … a bigger problem. A problem that is linked to Deus and to this realm." I replied. Hearing my reply, he lets out a faint chuckle. "Heh. Sharp as ever. Alright. Do you want to know the truth? I could give it to you, and answer the purpose of your very existence." He asked once more. For a second, I hesitated. Do I want to know the truth of this world? Will it even matter? Will it affect me in some way? "If it does answer the meaning of my existence, then go ahead. I'm all ears." I replied. Shaco then looked at me with a curious look in his eyes. "Are you sure? Once you hear it … once you experience it … once you see his memories, you can never go back. You can never go back to Yuno." He stated with a slight-worried tone in his voice. I can't go back to Yuno? Why? Is she even involved to this?
"Pft. Who do you think I am? No matter happens, I'll make it back to her. You entrusted her to me, right? Have some faith in me." I said as I gave him a smile. Shaco lets out a sigh and looked at me with his weary eyes. "The world where you live in … the world where I came from … it all doesn't matter." Shaco said with a mellow tone in his voice. "It doesn't matter? What do yo-" "All of our efforts, actions, will never reach reality. We are … temporary beings, Toshiro." He said. Hearing his words made me feel nauseous. Temporary beings … I know he isn't talking about mortality. He's talking about our very existence. "This world … is a mere proxy, made to keep a certain goddess busy. This world … is only keeping her at bay while he recovers." He said as my chest suddenly felt pain. "Pr-Proxy? What the hell are you talking about? Are you … talking about Yuno? W-Who's recovering?!" I frantically asked him as my confusion is slowly shaking my very mind.
Yukki.
Hearing what Shaco muttered was enough to make me frantic. Somehow deep down, I had a feeling that word was connected to something greater. Yuno muttered that when we fought off Tenth's dogs. Out of the blue, a name popped out in my mind. "Yukiteru …" I muttered. "Bingo. Amano, Yukiteru. The First Diary user … and one of the gods of the Third world," Shaco said as the dome of the Casualty Cathedral began to rise. Beyond the dome was vast darkness, but at the far end of my sight, I saw a faint light, illuminating a pod-like looking objects. "He is … Yuno's lover. He is the true first diary user. We are merely … his proxies. We were made by MurMur and Deus to save the world and Yuno from destruction." He stated. At this point, I can't even think clearly now. I don't know what the hell I should think of. This guy … is Yuno's lover? What the does that mean? Who's the Yuno that I began to love?
"See those two sleeping pods? Yuno's real body and the fragments of Yukiteru's existence lies inside those pods." Shaco said. Now everything's dark, I can't even see him anymore. Without hesitating, I began running towards the said pods. I am no longer thinking properly at this point. The thought of someone else taking Yuno away from me was melting my mind. I … don't want that. I don't care if he's the real first diary user. I will … have Yuno. I will destroy his very existence and cl-
Suddenly, I felt down onto the floor. It felt like someone tripped me. "Don't you see it? No matter what you do, you can never reach them. I tried, and nothing happened. We are always stuck here, in the grounds of the Casualty Cathedral." Shaco muttered with a pained tone. "S-Shut up … shut up! Shut up!" I frantically shouted as I stood up and began running towards the pods once more. No matter how fast I ran, no matter how long I kept on running towards the pods, I never seem to reach it. It felt like was I forever stuck in the boundaries of the Cathedral. I am forever bounded in this place … is that what Shaco is trying to say?
"When I first found out … I was devastated. It shook me to my very core. MurMur … showed me his memories and how he was accidently erased by Yuno. Yuno, in a fit of regret and despair, began destroying the world. Luckily, Deus and MurMur were still there and they somehow managed to stop her. Knowing that the world will slowly crumble down, they placed Yuno and the fragments of Amano's existence and linked them to a proxy world that Deus created with his remaining powers," Shaco stated as I fell down on my knees. This isn't happening. I … should've not asked him for it. I don't want to hear this anymore! "They have to somehow keep Yuno from further destroying the world and restore Amano's existence in a limited time. That is why … we were created. Our very being is a proxy existence created to keep Yuno's mind busy, if not, she will destroy everything. If we they can't restore her Yukki, she'll never snap out of it." He said as I covered my face with my shaking hands.
"I … I don't care … I don't care anymore. Let her destroy the world. We don't have anything else … in this world but her …" I muttered as I felt tears forming in my eye. Why am I … sobbing so hysterically? Am I … that devastated to know that I'm simply a fake being? A being that can be casted aside once it served its purpose? "Tell me, you want to make her happy, right?" Shaco asked me. "I … don't know. I just want to see her smile … I want to give her a shot … a chance to have a normal, boring life …" I muttered. "You are just being selfish. You're simply trying to instil your mindset into hers." Shaco remarked which triggered me. "Selfish? Look who's talking?! What will you achieve by telling me this?! Do you find it amusing that I'm suffering right now?! H-Heh. I bet you're jealous … that you simply want to take over my body and be with h-
Listen to yourself. I told you, didn't I? I'm only looking out for her, and for you. As a fading apparition of yours, I won't achieve anything by doing this. I only want you not to suffer that way I did.
"S-Suffer the way you did?" I mumbled. "Remember when I first merged with you? I was … moody, or should I say, wrathful at times. It's not only that I was furious that Yuno killed me, but I found out the truth. MurMur showed it to me. She said she wanted to make things more … interesting for the last minute." Shaco said as I blankly stared at the floor. "Interesting for the last … minute?" I asked him. "This proxy world, is ending. Everything will soon disappear. Aniki, Father, the Nee-sama that we know, the Yuno that you desperately want to hold, will disappear. Amano will wake up soon. The proxy world will be no longer needed." He replied. Hearing his explanations, his stories, is making my heart into a void. The pain was unbearable. I was … breaking. My sanity was at its edge. Everything that I did, everything I went through, everything I had to endure, means nothing at the end.
At that point, I don't give a damn anymore. I can't do anything about it. I have no power to do anything. I might as well vanish now. Suddenly, Shaco threw a red crystal towards me. To my surprise, a bright light engulfed me.
Where am I …? Where did he take me? What was tha-
Oy, you okay? It's like you saw a ghost or something.
A rather unfamiliar voice asked behind me. I slowly turned around. To my surprise, it was MurMur, who busy reading some decaying manga. W-What? What the hell … I was with Shaco earlier. Where is this place? It's somewhat similar to the unveiled Casualty Cathedral. "It was nothing …" I muttered. Wait. What happened to my voice? Why do I sound different? I noticed that I was holding onto a blue flip phone. Huh? This isn't my phone. I carefully looked at it. Odd, since it's somewhat similar to Yuno's diary. Speaking of diary, perhaps this is a diary too.
7/28 4:57 [Sakurami Junior High]
Yuno's dead.
Huh? W-What is this? That's the only entry here. Yuno … is dead? That can't be. I … saved her, right? Wait. My Death Diary isn't capable of foreseeing a death a month before it happens. W-What is happening? This isn't my dairy! Where the hell am I?! Suddenly, I heard a crack somewhere above me. To my utter surprise, the void was cracked open and I saw a certain pink-haired girl holding a hammer entering this domain. She was wearing a night-gown and had a huge smile on her face. "Y-Yuno …" I muttered as I noticed the huge smile on her face. "I finally found you, Yukki!" Yuno cried out happily.
Wait. Yukki?
I felt my mind breaking into a thousand shards as I realized my situation. I am … reliving his memory. I am inside Amano's body. My chest was about to burst as the pain in my heart grew. W-Why … why did you show me this, Shaco? Why do you … want me to suffer?! I can't control this body. I-I have to … get away from here. I don't want to see this … I don't want to see that smile of hers as she holds onto his hands! Someone … please. Blind me! I don't want to … see her with another man! I don't want to see her smile that shows her true happiness is with this person!
I didn't know that I was capable of screaming with much despair filling my thoughts.
How many minutes, hours, has passed ever since I began looking at my 2nd world counterpart like this? How long have I staring at his broken spirit, kneeling and staring into the darkness. No matter what I do, he doesn't respond to my calls. He would start sobbing hysterically and slam his head onto the floor, but he wouldn't feel pain from it. This incorporeal plane cannot harm our souls. I think … it was a wrong decision for me to actually show him Amano's memories. I casted aside the red crystal I was holding into the darkness.
I … broke him. It's my fault. I should've kept quiet till the very end. I only have a few minutes left before I completely disappear. Maybe … it was better for him not to know about the truth and continued on playing the game like before. He could've stayed with her much longer. He could've enjoyed his remaining time much longer before he gets erased into the void.
My mind was filled with doubts and regrets. Just like before, I found myself asking if I did the right action, if I've chosen the best option. Was it selfish of me to make him chase for his own ending with his limited time? I was wrong. I know how broken he was from the start since we are the same entity after all, but I chose to further break his sanity believing it was the right thing to do. I am … more pathetic than him. No apology can save him now. He reached a point where he'll simply kneel there, waiting for the very end to come. As I felt my limbs starting to crumble, to fade away, I noticed a slight movement from him. He suddenly began laughing like a madman. He sounded like he finally won something in our cursed life. "Toshiro?" I muttered. "I have two options, right?" He said as his laughing fit slowly dies down. "Yes. You can stay here and not return to your physical body. You can just … wait out for the end here. The other option is t-" "Is to make her happy, right? To give her true happiness?" He said as he turned around. The dead look in his eyes made me remember that I was in the same scenario as he is right now.
"I … made up my mind. I can't just kneel down and cry here till the very end. That would be just simply pathetic," He said as he stood up and faced me. "Remember the words you used to say, Shaco. We will die or disappear in our own terms. We will go out in a bang, right? A way where everyone will love us, will remember us." He said with a weary tone in his voice as he began walking towards me. "You're actually … still going to fight?" I muttered as he stopped in front of me. "Knowing how this whole survival game would end is pretty much ... boring, don't you think? I don't plan to end this like how Amano or you did. I'll make my own ending. With this limited time that I have, I'll be sure to make my wish come true." He said with a weary smirk on his face. "And here I am thinking that I broke you even further …" I mumbled as I find myself smiling in my last final moments.
"You can't break something that was already broken from the start." He said as he passed by me. "I think I lived out my purpose, don't you think? I became a mentor, a voice of reason for you. I think … that was my meaning of my existence." I muttered as he stopped in his tracks. "Pft. Softy as ever. Don't worry, I don't intend to fade away without answering my own. Also, thanks, Toshiro. I'm … going to take up your challenge. I won't follow your route. I know there's no such ending as a good end for the both of us, but I'll be sure to make an ending where I can be satisfied with." He stated with conviction in his tone. I'm never going to get used to this. Why is he so fast in adapting in his scenarios? I was never that quick, or maybe, by merging and becoming a voice of reason for him, he became much greater than I was. Heh. Hm … I feel a bit … poetic right now … Yuno … I'll never reach you again … huh? As I faded into the void, I recited some words that suddenly came out from my mind.
She is a queen, a goddess, while I am merely a jester, here to entertain her as her king slowly recovers from her folly.
I can never … call her as mine.