For The Thrill Of It

Chapter Eleven: For The Record

Disclaimer: I do not own anything mentioned in the following fanfiction, except for the character of Kristen Shaw. She is of my own design.

She walked into the bridge promptly at seven pm, freshly showered with a faint scent of roses trailing her where ever she went and the slightest traces of makeup on her face.

She'd warmed up to the possibility of a date considerably during the three hours or so it took her to repair the Phaser array. She really liked Kirk; he was very handsome, charming, passionate, intelligent, and he had the ability to make her laugh. He was also very arrogant, ignorant, annoying and overbearing, but those qualities of him didn't seemed to matter much to her anymore. She hadn't seen him that way in quite a few days, and was beginning to think that maybe, she had him figured out all wrong.

Regardless of whether or not it was a date, she decided to try and look the best she could for a night, considering she'd just spent almost a week in the infirmary. Her hair was down in her signature waves and her green eyes seemed the slightest bit more bright that even as she strode in, looking around one of the ceiling to floor computers to find the Captain's chair empty.

"Wow, you look fantastic Kristen" Sulu noted as he spun around in his seat, Kristen sitting herself down in the captain's chair as she leant back in it, enjoying how it felt.

"I figured I might as well try and look my best after spending a week in the infirmary. I took a look in the mirror for the first time today and was not too pleased with what I saw looking back" she joked, the pair of them sharing an appreciative chuckle as Nyota walked by in front of her doing a double take, a suggestive smile coming to her face as she looked at Kristen with both appreciation and knowing

"Not a date, huh?" the communication's officer whispered to her as she passed, earning her a threatening look before Kristen turned back to Sulu.

"Do you mind doing me a favour actually? I just finished repairing Phaser four about an hour ago, can you do a test shot and see if it's working?" she asked the helmsmen, his eyes immediately going to Chekov beside him and then Uhura behind her.

"Who has the con right now? Both Kirk and Spock are gone" Sulu asked, looking around.

"Zat vould be me. Vhat izz it?" the Russian navigator asked, turning to the helmsmen.

"Cadet Shaw just finished repairing Phaser four, she wants to see whether or not it's back online" Sulu informed him, Chekov nodding once and then turning around in his chair to face Nyota.

"Lt. Uhura, can you pleaze contackt all nearby Federation wessels and inform zem zat we are going to be testing our veapons hafter veparis?" he informed her before turning back around. Kristen watched as Uhura tapped away at her control panel, turning back around and informing them all that a bulletin had been sent out.

The navigator nodded once to Sulu who immediately began testing all the phasers, going through them all, one through twenty, leaving number four for last. She held her breath as he called out 'Phaser Four' letting the breath out as she saw a streak of red flash across the control screen.

"Phaser Four is back online. Nicely done, Cadet" Sulu noted, giving her a smile over her shoulder that she replied to with a modest chuckle. She'd felt a surge of pride when she'd seen the red flashes across the screen and she brought a hand to her mouth, biting down on the centre knuckle of her thumb to keep herself from grinning wildly.

A few seconds later the lift doors to the bridge hissed open and immediately his voice filled the bridge, along with Spock's.

"Look Spock, all I'm saying is that if we try and boost the output of our warp generators—" he started, the pair of them rounding the corner and coming to a halt in front of her, Kirk's mouth closing as soon as his eyes landed on her. She released her thumb from the confines of her teeth and sat up, her back straight as she gave both the Captain and First Officer's winning smiles.

"We'll talk about this later. Is it seven already?" he asked, checking his wrist watch as Spock went off to his station while Kirk stepped up on the plateau of the Captain's chair, Kristen rising from her seat to meet him.

"It has been for four minutes now. Are you ready? I can come back later if you're busy?" she offered, gesturing to the lift and turning ever so slightly to go.

"No, no. Now's great" he said, looking right into her eyes and giving her a faint smile, one that caused her internal butterflies to start flying around again. What the fuck is happening to me?

"Spock, you've got the con" he said, not taking his eyes off of her as they began towards the lift, Kristen glaring at Nyota on the way out as the other woman mouthed 'SO A DATE' to her.

----------------

"So just how many fights have you gotten in to during your life time?" she asked, piercing one of the carrots on her plate with her fork as she brought it too her mouth.

He looked up from his own plate and eyed her with fake suspicion, narrowing his eyes.

"You've been talking to Uhura haven't you" he asked her apprehensively in a low voice.

Her lips twitched as she tried to suppress the smile coming to them. She looked down at her plate then back up at him, amusement in her eyes

"Maybe"

He chuckled approvingly and then looked back down, shrugging his shoulders once before looking back up.

"I've lost track over the years but I've been in my fair share. How about yourself? You told me a few days ago you boxed for self defence so, how many times have you had to put those skills to use?" he asked, resting his elbows on the table as he leant forward to look at her.

She appraised him for a few seconds, judging her options. She could either lie and make up a story to tide him over, or she could tell the truth. She could tell him that she started boxing shortly after she'd turned 14, after her foster dad at the time took a fist to her face after drinking one night. She could tell him that she'd been beaten by a total of three of her families and a few other times while on the streets. She could tell him all that stuff, but what it really came down to was trust.

She took a deep breath and then cleared her head, trying to figure out what she should do. She'd never told anyone about the violence in her past before, but as she looked back up into James' eyes, she decided to finally open up and lay it all out on the line.

"Well, in the spirit of trust and honest, I—" she started, interrupted a second later.

"James?" a pretty voice said in the middle of her sentence, both James and Kristen's eyes drawn upward and to the left where a petite, pretty looking blonde woman with friendly brown eyes was standing. She had a food tray held in her hands in front of her and a confused yet expectant look on her face.

"Emily, what-what are you doing here?" he stammered, Kristen staying silent as she watched them exchange glances. She felt a horrible feeling start brewing in her stomach when she glanced once more at Emily, this time realizing the fancy jewelery the woman was wearing along with the eye makeup and lipstick.

"You said eight thirty, didn't you?" the woman said, this time throwing an awkward look Kristen's way as the realization of what had happened settled in among the three of them. Her heart began racing, the horrible feeling getting bigger as she realized just what she'd gotten into.

"I uh, I think I'm going to go" she said automatically, standing up in her chair and pushing it back, refusing to meet Kirk's eyes as he rose to protest her movement.

"No, Kristen, this isn't what it—" he started, Emily standing there quietly as Kristen gathered things onto her tray before turning to go.

"He's all yours" she said, giving the blonde a friendly albeit fake smile before turning to go, ignoring Kirk's protests all the way out of mess hall.

She was shaking in anger and rage by the time she'd turned the corner out of the mess hall, cursing herself internally for ever trusting him. How could she have been so stupid? She'd seen his winning ways with women the very first day aboard this ship, and she'd just been a potential notch in his bedpost. How did she ever fall for his charm? Why did she ever think he was anything but the man she'd seen on the very first day, flirting with everyone? How did she ever talk herself into trusting him?

She walked straight back to her room and tore off her dress, throwing on her shorts and tank top so aggressively she was surprised she didn't rip them to shreads. She wiped the makeup off her face and threw her hair into a messy bun, pulling on her running shoes and sprinting the way to the gym to keep herself from shaking even more. She was just about to head towards the punching bag when she looked down at her casted arm, the fact that she wouldn't be able to unload her frustrations on the bag angering her even more. Instead, she hopped on a treadmill, starting off slowly but going to full tilt eventually, letting the sound of her feet hitting the treadmill's track dull out the voices in her head that were calling her numerous variations of stupid for ever trusting Kirk.

She didn't know how long she'd been running for when she heard the door open and McCoy appear in the gym, his eyes as concerned and analytical as always. He spotted her immediately on the treadmill but she just kept running, sweat dripping from her brow as she kept at it, running at full tilt, trying to keep her mind off of the humiliation she'd just suffered.

"You shouldn't be straining yourself" he called from the doorway, leaning against the frame as he just watched her from there.

"I'm not....straining...myself" she said between breaths, keeping her eyes locked on the wall opposite of her, not meeting his eyes by the door.

"You know, I'm sure it wasn't what it looked like" he called again to her, Kristen missing her step this time and tripping, falling forward on the treadmill before she steadied herself, bringing her pace to a walk and then to a halt.

"She said that he'd told her to be there at eight thirty Doc, there wasn't anything else it could have looked like" she said eventually as she caught her breath, stepping down from the running machine and walking over to him, sitting herself down on one of the benches beside the door.

"Yeah...nevermind, it's probably exactly what it looked like" he said, moving over to her slowly and eventually meeting her there, sitting down beside her.

"You know, Jim's my friend and all, and I know sometimes he can be a real ass but deep down, he's not a bad guy. A real ass, but not a bad guy" he said in a quiet voice, Kristen scoffing out in laughter. She sighed and leant forward, running her brow with the back of her hand before rubbing her eyes tiredly, chuckling once more.

"How could I ever have been so stupid" she muttered quietly to herself, apparently not quietly enough as seconds later, she heard him cluck his tongue.

"Like I said. Ass" he muttered back, both of them sharing a laugh before she sighed again, shaking her head.

"Did he send you in here to check on me?" she asked, turning to look at him.

"Yeah. He said you seemed pretty pissed when you left so"

"Pretty pissed? I just went on my first date and it turned out that he didn't think it'd last longer than an hour and a half!" she bit back miserably, her voice raising a few octaves.

"That was your first date?" he asked in a tone of nothing but surprise, giving her an even more surprised look with his eyes as she rose from the bench and gave him a murderous look.

"It's not even that. It's the fact that I trusted him, and I don't trust anyone but myself for this exact reason. The only thing trust brings is disappointment. Disappointment and hurt" she bit to him bitterly, beginning to pace in front of him.

"You know, I don't exactly think that's a healthy perspective" he commented, Kristen ignoring him outright as she continued to pace.

"It's just...I don't do this for a very specific reason, and the one time I do decide to do it, the very specific reason I don't do it for comes true" she said, continuing to pace but stopping eventually when she'd turned to look at McCoy and found him staring at her with the most confused look on his face, silent and thinking as if he were trying to figure out what the hell she'd just said.

"I feel as if I should be having this conversation with Nyota" she said finally, stopping her pacing and turning to stand in front of him.

"I agree. Want me to try and find her?" the doctor said, rising and pointing his thumb over his shoulder as he moved towards the door.

"No, I'll just find her tomorrow" she said bitterly, as she sat down on the weight lifting bench, waving the doctor goodbye as he left, leaving her once again alone in the gym.

She lay back on the bench, letting her limbs hang down in all directions as she just stayed there for a few seconds, trying to make sense of what'd happened just hours before.

She'd been having such a wonderful time with him. There was no awkwardness or instability between them; just fantastic conversation and company. She'd really begun to see him in a different light, a light that portrayed him as someone she could have seen herself with. In the hour they'd been together, he'd been everything she'd ever wanted in a man; funny, intelligent, compassionate, passionate, gentle, and easy to talk too.

But it'd all be shot straight to hell when 'Emily' had arrived.

She'd never felt so humiliated before in her entire life, including all the times she'd been to prison. And to top things off, she'd never felt so stupid. She should have seen this coming and she never should have let herself trust him. It was like she'd said before, all trust does is invite disappointment and hurt into your lives, much like it did right now.

She was so disappointed in him. She thought she'd meant more to him that she apparently did, and the pain she felt inside of her was of a calibre she'd never really felt before. She wasn't used to having such conflicting emotions before; one part of her was disappointed with him, another part was furious, another part was humiliated, another part hurt, and another part was confused. She wasn't used to this. She was used to control, which, at the current moment, she had none of.

----------------------

She flipped over onto her stomach, eyes immediately going to the clock above her bed and groaning when she saw what time it was. Red angry numbers glared 3:12 at her in the darkness, her head still a mess of thoughts, all centred around what had happened.

After mulling things over in the gym for a few more minutes, she'd retreated back to her room slowly and crawled into the shower, hoping the grime of the day could be washed away but unfortunately finding that no amount of water would rid her of what she was feeling. She'd laid down in her bed over four hours ago, but spent far too long tossing and turning as she kept thinking about him.

Finally, she threw the covers off of her and found her slippers, knowing what she had to do in order to finally quiet her mind. She walked around her bed in the dark and stepped out into the hallway, her eyes shutting automatically in response to the brightness of the hallway as she took a left, her feet taking five minutes to finally bring her to his door. She sucked in a breath and then swung her hand along the sensor beside the door, hearing a polite ding which signalled it recognized her biometrics and waited for him to come to the door.

The hallway where his quarters were located was empty and featured no other doors but his own. She was just about to turn around and leave when the doors slid open with a hydraulic hiss, his form appearing in the doorway as he slipped a pair of glasses onto his face as his eyes blinked much like her's did to grow accustom to the brightness.

"Kristen" he said after he finally adjusted to the light, his face going blank as she stood there in front of him, arms folded over her chest and face drawn into an expression of nothing short of rage.

"Look, I want you to know that I never meant to—"

He was cut off by her palm smacking him hard across the side of the face.

"You humiliated me. I trusted you, and you humiliated me" she said lowly, her voice trying to be steady and even but cracking and showing emotion as she spoke a few seconds later.

"Can you just let me explain?" he exasperated, returning his head back to face her as an angry red handprint arrived on his cheek. His eyes were pleading and desperate as he looked at her, his hands out in an expression of desperation as well.

"What's there to explain James? Are you going to tell me that you didn't ask her out on a date? That it was just a business meeting or something?" she scoffed with a laugh, shaking her head in disbelief.

"I did ask her out, but it was weeks ago. Before you got on board and before I met you" he said with such sincerity that for a second, she was willing to accept that and just move on.

Only for a second though.

"Well, you didn't exactly cancel with her now did you?" she sniped to him, the anger she was feeling coming back with a fury, erasing whatever thoughts of forgiveness she was having instantly.

"I forgot, what can I say. I was too wrapped up with you and what I was feeling to even remember her" he said, his voice growing quiet at the end. He looked at her for a few seconds, his eyes pleading with her's.

I was too wrapped up with you and what he was feeling. For some reason, those words roused the butterflies in her stomach, despite her obvious anger. She knew deep down that he was still everything she thought he was, but she didn't know how to forgive him for hurting her the way he did. He may not have done it intentionally, but the news of this didn't make it hurt any less. The news of potential feelings for her didn't numb the pain. Hearing that he thought of her enough to forget completely about another woman didn't make it all go away. A part of her internally squealed at his words, the sixteen year old girl inside of her jumping up and down at this news. But she'd stopped listening to that sixteen year old girl a long, long time ago.

"Don't. Don't do that. It doesn't change anything. You should have remembered. If I meant so much to you, you should have remembered and canceled" she said eventually, looking away from him and shaking her head.

She looked up and watched his blue eyes go sad behind his glasses, a hand running its way through his hair as he looked down, his lips going into a thin line as he nodded.

"I know" he said in almost a bare whisper.

"No, I don't think you know. I don't trust anyone Jim, not anyone. For the past eleven years of my life, the only person I've ever trusted or depended upon was myself. And then today, I decide to change that and you made me look like an idiot. So this, whatever we were, whatever we were becoming...it's done. No more friendship, no more being nice to each other. It's just done" she said with such definite finality that he looked taken aback for a second, and if she pegged it right, undeniably hurt.

She'd turned and maybe taken three steps when he spoke.

"You know Kristen, for the record...I never meant to hurt you" he said, stepping out into the hallway.

She stopped, turning around slowly and looked at him dead in the eyes.

"For the record James...I wish that were enough"

((Author's Note: Like I said ladies and gents...it wasn't going to be easy. I had a lot of ideas for this chapter, and funny enough, absolutely none of them revolved around Kristen and James having a a good date. Their relationship is founded on pillars of unease and unrest; of undesireable situations, even. They aren't defined by the good times, they're defined by the bad times. So keep that in mind for the next few chapters. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I HAVE THE BEST READERS EVER???? For realz, yo. I'm continuingly overwelmed by the response I get on the chapters I post and it just blows me away that so many people take the time to read this story! Thank you all for your kind words of support, criticism and even corrections! A writer's work is never perfect so I really do appreciate corrections, so thanks to the readers who corrected my physics in the last chapter! Regardless, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I tried my best to convey the emotions I wanted to in the last scene, because we've all been there. Hurt by someone who maybe didn't intend to do it, but hurt us none the less. Mull the chapter over and let me know what you think, okay? See you all tomorrow))