Although the scale had proved what she'd come to see, the young med student still wanted to make good on her promise and check the Mitchell's blood pressure and cholesterol, just to be safe.
As Chloe finished up her last tests, Beca was silent in her seat. As soon as the ginger removed the blood pressure cuff from her arm she pulled her jacket back on over her t shirt. Chloe had yet to say a word after she'd comforted the senior during her slight break down. Beca could tell that it was because her girlfriend didn't know what to say. Both the two of them and Aubrey had known for a little while now that she had some unhealthy eating habits but none of them really knew the extent that the youngest girl had taken it to.
"Are we done?" Beca prodded anxiously.
"Becs…we have to talk about this," Chloe responded softly. She wanted to reach out and offer the other girl some type of physical comfort but sensing the short girl's unease, she refrained.
"Bree," Beca said simply.
"I brought you here for this because you and Aubrey can't talk about this without fighting," Chloe countered. "If you want to have this conversation with her, I'm more than happy to do that but you're not using her as an excuse to get out of telling me why this is happening."
"I think it's pretty straightforward why this is happening, Chlo," she snapped.
The redhead ignored the sass and shook her head, "Not to me."
It was times like this when Beca was almost frustrated that Chloe and Aubrey knew her so well. The previous day when she and Aubrey had fought at the station, she said everything she could to earn a rise out of the blonde. During her freshman year when all the girls were in the Bellas together, it hadn't taken much to instigate an argument with Aubrey. Chloe had always been tough to pick a fight with and that certainly hadn't changed but at the very least she used to be able to bait Aubrey into a fight over almost nothing. A few careless words or a misplaced glare was all she needed to evoke a reaction. It seemed that years of dating the stubborn DJ had given both girls time to hone their patience skills and now it was next to impossible to get them to meet her fire with fire of their own.
"I have no control Chloe," she huffed. "I never have. I didn't get a say when my parents divorced, I didn't get a say when my Dad left. I can barely get the Bellas to show up to practice on time."
Chloe's eyes swam with tears. How had she been in a relationship with Beca for years and somehow never realized how much she was dealing with? Of course, Beca had only begun starving herself as of late; she'd done it in high school when her parents split up but she'd long since recovered from the habit and it was just now rearing it's head again.
"I don't have any control over whatever the fuck is going on with you and Aubrey's marriage no matter how much the two of you like to pretend that I do."
"Beca that's not true. Aubrey and I both told you that we won't do this unless you were alright with it. And you said you were and honestly, I should've known better than to believe you," Chloe admitted. "But Aubrey and I really thought that we'd been together long enough that you'd come to us if you were scared or uncomfortable."
"We've already danced this one out Chlo," Beca said quietly. "I will not be the person responsible for keeping Aubrey from the thing she's worked her entire life for. It's inconvenient sure, but you know what I realized?"
Chloe tilted her head to the side as if to say 'go on.'
"This was going to happen sooner or later. Aubrey's dad may have accelerated the timeline a little bit but eventually one of the three of us was going to seriously start thinking about marriage. That's what I realized Chloe. This was inevitable," she finished.
"None of us thought Mr. Posen would force Aubrey to get married at 25 but you're right. Eventually one of us would've gotten stuck on the idea of being married," Chloe agreed.
A pregnant pause fell over the couple as they both absorbed what had been said.
"Beca I understand that you're under a lot of pressure right now. I really do," Chloe began. "But you can't starve yourself just to feel in control. There are other ways, healthy ways, to do it."
Beca's deep navy eyes met Chloe's for the first time since she'd stepped off the scale.
"Yeah?"
Chloe smiled at the child-like innocence Beca pretended she didn't possess.
"Yeah Becs. Aubrey is a huge control freak. You've known that since before we were all together and you still fell for her anyway. Everyone has to cope somehow. Aubrey works out and goes for runs when she's overwhelmed. I sing and spend time in the water; showers or pools or lakes, whatever I can get. I'm sorry that music doesn't offer that same feeling for you but we can find something that does," Chloe promised.
"And what if there's nothing that does?" she challenged. "What if I'm just defective and it's never going to get better?"
"Well, have you ever had problems like this before?" Chloe asked softly.
An embarrassed blush burned Beca's cheeks. She had really hoped that neither of her girlfriends would ask her that because lying was clearly not the way to go but she also had no interest in admitting to her struggles with food from high school.
"Becs?" she prodded gently. The look on her brunette girlfriend's face was honestly enough of an answer for her but she was beyond shocked that in the three years they'd been dating, it never occurred to Beca that she should share something like that with them. How could her girlfriend, who had come so far emotionally over the past few years, not be ready or willing to disclose this part of her past when she and Aubrey had been nothing but candid about their own histories?
"I don't…" she sighed sadly, pulling at the sleeves of her jacket. "I really don't want to get into it."
"Beca I don't want to push you," Chloe said slowly, reaching out to trace her hand along her girlfriend's arm. "But 'I don't want to talk about it' can't be your answer to everything or else this is never going to work."
"If I tell you, can you promise me it won't leave this room?"
The redhead hesitated. She wasn't sure if it was implied that they would relay at least a general version of this conversation to their blonde girlfriend or if Beca was asking her to genuinely keep this between the two of them and never clue the other girl in. Of course there were many things and experiences between Beca and Chloe, Chloe and Aubrey, and Beca and Aubrey that were special to each pair as well as all three of them together but they'd never deliberately kept something this important from anyone before. As much as Chloe wanted to prompt Beca to specify, she didn't want to do anything to dissuade the other girl from opening up which she appeared to be on the verge of doing.
"If that's what you want," she answered, finally.
Beca let out a sigh of relief and when the ginger saw the smaller girl's shoulder visibly deflate as she calmed, she knew she'd said the right thing.
"It's not much of a story," Beca offered as she shuffled awkwardly back into sitting position on top of her standard-issue paper that coated her examination bed. Taking her cues from the alternative girl, Chloe sat beside her and nodded encouragingly.
"It's pretty much exactly what you expect. When my parents announced that they were splitting, I was kind of happy about it. Their arguments had turned from screaming matches to throwing things at the wall or breaking whatever was within arm's reach and I figured that meant they were both ready to call time of death on the marriage."
Chloe slipped her arm around the younger girl's waist and absently began rubbing soothing circles just above her hip bone. The brunette shivered at the sensation.
"I thought when they weren't stuck in their dead end marriage anymore, they'd both be happier but I was very, very wrong. I spent weekdays with my mom in our old house until they could sell it and weekends with my Dad. Those lasted all of 3 weeks before he cut himself loose and ran out on us to start over. But those 3 weeks were so miserable; all my parents ever did was complain about the other to me," she explained. Her dark blue eyes remained downcast, as if she was embarrassed to meet her girlfriend's piercing gaze.
"I uh, I started failing my classes," Beca continued, glancing nervously at Chloe to gage her reaction. "To the point where the school called my Mom to have her come in. She set up the meeting over the phone…..but she never showed."
"Oh Beca," Chloe exhaled quietly. She squeezed her hips gently, as if to keep the brunette in the moment with her.
"I guess I figured if failing school wasn't enough to get my parents to notice to me, nothing would be. I think a very small part of me wondered if maybe I were better, funnier, skinner, more popular. Then maybe my parents would've given a shit. And I guess those thoughts kind of just festered."
"When did you stop?" Chloe asked softly.
"I wasn't exactly the prom queen of my high school but I had a pretty good group of friends that I'd known since like, 4th grade. A couple of them noticed something was up. I blew them off until a neighbor let it slip that my parents were separated and then basically overnight the whole school knew. It wasn't hard for them to put it together after that. Long story short, they called me out and I wasn't looking to be institutionalized or whatever they were threatening."
"Did you end up seeing a counselor?"
"You mean a therapist?" Beca snorted. "I appreciate your delicate phrasing but yeah, I had to see a shrink. I thought I could just start up eating again but every time I went to do that, I just kind of froze. My friends had everything to do with why I got help in the first place but once I started seeing someone regularly, I obviously ran into other patients in the waiting room. I was noticeably underweight but some of these girls looked half dead. It was scary."
Chloe remained silent and tried to offer as much physical support and comfort as she could. This was possible the most open Beca had ever been with her about her past. The brunette had always been evasive about the subject of her parents and now she was explaining so much without her literally needing to drag each word from the dj. The older girl really wanted to press on these fights the other girl had spoken about; she wanted to know just how violent they'd gotten and what the final straw was for the older Mitchells but she was afraid that if she uttered so much as a sound, the spell would be broken and Beca would stop talking.
"You aren't scared of being skin and bones anymore?" Chloe questioned; her tone was firm and skeptical but not unkind.
"I didn't mean for it to get this out of hand," she answered. Her voice was surprisingly calm and the med student started to build up hope that her Beca was coming back to the surface.
"But you learned techniques from the old counselor right? We can apply those now," the taller girl led on. "I would really love it if you started seeing someone else here but that's something that we can talk about more later."
"It's complicated Chlo. I can't start eating like you or Aubrey or any normal person right away. I'd throw it up, my stomach has adjusted to accommodate the amount of food that I give it and if I suddenly switched back to large or frequent portions, I'd be sick."
Chloe nodded, she knew this from her medical training but she was a little surprised that Beca had as in depth knowledge on the subject.
"Where do we go from here?" Beca asked, swinging her legs on the bed.
"Well, I guess for now we go home. We talk to Aubrey and we try to figure out a way to identify what triggers you," The redhead suggested.
Beca nodded, "I guess it's a start."
The two girls gathered the few belongings they'd brought and took the hospital back door to avoid the awkwardness that accompanied hiding their relationship.
The car ride home wasn't silent in a nervously charged energy kind of way but it was quiet. Both girls were obviously thinking deeply on the interaction they'd just had. Beca wasn't entirely sure that she wanted her girlfriends' help with her 'issue' but now definitely didn't seem like an appropriate time to mention that.
As devastated as Chloe was to learn about Beca's childhood and current weight, she couldn't help but think back on their relationship and how much this piece of the brunette's history was explained. She was sure that there was still plenty that the other girl was keeping under wraps but certain things just made sense now. For example, Beca could not stand the sound of glass shattering. Aubrey had accidentally dropped a glass after run one day; her hands had been wet and it slipped right out of her grip and broke apart into thousands of pieces. Of course the sound was unpleasant to everyone but Beca went completely rigid. She'd made some poor excuse and left the living room and retreated into 'her' bedroom to finish what she'd been doing. At the time, Chloe had assumed that the DJ had sensitive ears and was working on something important and didn't want to be disturbed by the sounds of the living room but now it seemed that she could chalk that reaction up to the aftermath of the divorce.
Beca spent the car ride praying she'd made the right choice and that opening up to Chloe would bring them closer together. This could easily turn into something that the brunette would regret but if their relationship was going to work out as she desperately wanted it to, Beca knew she had to put a little more trust in her girls and she was trying to do just that.
Part of Chloe hoped that by the time she and Beca returned home, Aubrey would be asleep and she would have a little more time to figure out what Beca meant by keeping things between the two of them. She wasn't sure why it felt so wrong to ask the other girl point blank but they'd already made so much progress tonight, she didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. But of course, Chloe was not that lucky. The second she unlocked the apartment door and ushered the thin girl inside, she was met with the stressed face of their girlfriend.
"What the hell took you guys so long? It's been like 2 hours," Aubrey stressed. "And would it have honestly killed you to pick up your phones?"
"We're sorry Bree," Chloe answered for them both. "We got kind of carried away in conversation and things took a little longer than expected."
Aubrey fought to control her facial expression. She wanted to sarcastically tease both the other girls and point out that she'd been saying all along that this appointment would not be a quick visit but based on the somewhat somber mood of the other girls, she didn't push her luck.
"Okay," she nodded, accepting the answer.
The former captain kept her eyes trained on her girls, as if trying to prompt them into explaining what had gone down at the hospital. When it became clear that neither girl was willing to share voluntarily, she asked them how it had gone.
"Can we do this tomorrow? I have early classes and then Bella's practice but I thought maybe we could do dinner afterwards if you two aren't busy," Beca offered.
Aubrey wanted to protest, surely it was not a good sign that both girls were so against talking about their visit but rather than start an argument, she relented.
"Sure. I have some paperwork to file for the ADA and a case report to write up after court tomorrow but I should be able to get home at a reasonable time. Chlo?"
The ginger nodded her agreement, "That works for me too. Becs it's already so late, why don't you just stay here tonight?"
As much as Beca wanted to put up a fight, nothing sounded better to her than staying the night here, where she still felt she belonged.
"Yeah that would be great, if you're both good with it?"
The two girls were sad that Beca felt like she needed their permission to sleep in what they both still considered to be their shared apartment.
"We'd love that," Aubrey said, offering her warmest smile and extending her hand. It took everything in her to keep the control freak locked up and not demand answers but for now, she content to hold Beca in her arms and have a relaxing sleep with her girls.
So here we kind of get more of a glimpse into Beca's past; I definitely think there will be more of that to come. Next chapter there will be a very important character coming into play and then in the chapter after that another so get excited for that.
I wanted to thank everyone who reviewed and personal messaged me. I was a little nervous about the last chapter and the kind of different direction it took and the response was so encouraging. You guys have been beyond amazing and so supportive and your comments are so, so lovely to read you guys have no idea how important you and they are to me. I wish I could reply to each individual comment to tell you guys how awesome you are but: Kdubya, haytsun, GoodGirlGG, Monica628, UnfamiliarSky, Mjnz, Sad Fransico, and all of my guest reviewers, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I've already started up the next chapter but sadly college resumes for me this coming Monday so I will try my best to get the next update in by then but if not it'll be along shortly.