Chapter 11: Too Lost In You

Disclaimer: I do not own Tekken or any of the characters.

Hwoarang's POV:

"You…" His face was completely blank, trying to register the shock. "You're…"

"Here?" I offered, completing his sentence. "You don't have to look so surprised; I didn't come back from the dead or anything."

"No. But someone else did" he said quietly. He turned away, gazing at the door panel emptily. It was like staring into a mirror: I saw myself from two months ago. The roles had reversed here, fate was a cruel mistress. Lars was just so broken, exactly the opposite on what I had been banking against. He looked up to face me again. "Why are you here?"

"Can I come in?"

He moved aside and signaled me to come in. The apartment hadn't changed a bit. Sure, it was a bit messier than when I left it, but it had been perfectly preserved, capturing that moment in time when I'd ripped everything apart. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in. This was the only place apart from the dojo that I'd called home. This was my sanctuary, more than any hotel or house could ever be. It felt strange to be back here, like I'd returned after some long journey. Not that that comparison was far from the truth - I was here to try and find myself again.

I sat down on the couch, and stared up at Lars. He was in a daze, probably still trying to figure out if this still happening. I smirked playfully. "You're not dreaming. I really am here. Go ahead, touch me." He shook his head dazedly. "I believe you're here. What I want to know is why." I let my gaze fall onto my hands before looking up to answer him. I wasn't really sure I had a clear cut answer myself, so all I could do was be brutally honest with him. "I… I haven't been able to move on from you." He sat down beside me, looking me through such bruised eyes. How could I have hurt him that much? "You're with him now," he said softly, his eyes continuing to suffocate me with guilt. "I'd say that's moving on." I uncomfortably clenched my hands into fists. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten you." I looked at him directly in the eye. "Are you mad at me?" He snorted, and attempted half a smile. I'd gotten a glimpse of the Lars I knew from that, instantaneously remembering all those days we were together. Why was I so stupid to leave him? "I'm not mad at you," he replied, his voice saturated with melancholy. "I never even pretended to be." My mouth opened slightly. How could he not be ripped with fury after what I'd done to him? "Why?" He smiled sadly. "When I first saw your note, I thought you killed yourself. I tore the city apart trying to look for you. Then when I saw Jin at the park-"

"You saw Jin?" I interrupted angrily. My fists tightened further, causing my nails to dig into the milky flesh of my palm. He looked at me in surprise. "Yeah, that's how I found out you were with him."

"Son of a bitch" I muttered furiously. Lars sensed my anger and covered one of the raging spheres of my hands with his own. I gasped slightly at his soothing touch. "It doesn't matter now, does it? You're happier with him." My eyes clouded over at the sadness in voice. I was so ready for him to tear into me about how I broke his heart, to have him yell every profanity known to man at me, even beat me senseless; but not for this. I was unprepared to have him sit there and smilingly forgive me, while his heart was blatantly shattering within him. "How can you forgive so easily? After what I've done to you?" I whispered. His grip around my hand tightened slightly. "Because you weren't mine to have in the first place."

I sat like that with him for about fifteen minutes, marveling the beauty of this soul next to me. He didn't have a trace of ferocity inside of him. Instead he took on the pain as if it were his own fault. "Lars" I whispered thickly. My voice gave away the monster of shame inside of me. "Lars, I am so sorry for what I did to you." He vehemently shook his head. "Don't be. I couldn't make you happy, not like the way he does."

"But that's just it! He…" I hung my head in confusion. The clarity and confidence I had yesterday deserted me. "He does make me happy. The only trouble is you." He frowned. "Me?" I nodded. "I can't forget you. You're haunting me." He looked at me seriously, and then cracked into a short laugh. "Haunting you? How can I be haunting you?" I looked down at my feet. This was it, the point of no return. What I was about to ask him was too much, I knew that now. Yet I still had to try. "I need something from you."

"Alright, what?" I swallowed nervously. "Give me one night with you." He looked at me strangely. "Look Hwoarang, you can spend the night here if you want to, but I don't think it's such a good idea."

"That's not what I mean" I said quietly. "I want one night WITH you." Understanding dawned as his face went blank. "Oh." I started to tremble. "He's going to say no," echoed supreme 'I told you so' voice in my head. "And when he does, you're going to look like a total ass, and go back to your happily-but-not-content ever after with Jin and always wonder why you were so dumb to leave him in the first place." I looked at him stare right back at me with more intensity than even Jin showed. "Why?" he asked simply. I bit my lip. "I need to get you out of me. You're just there all the time in my head, and it's starting to make things complicated… and I don't know if I can handle it anymore." My palms grew sweaty. I couldn't stand this anymore. "Look, I'd better just-"

"OK."

"I'm sorry?" I stared at him as if he'd gone mad. He tilted his head slightly and looked back at me with a serenity completely contrasting to the present situation. "I'll do it. But I want you to know something. I'm doing it because I love you, not as some sort of favor." As if it wasn't enough already, the guilt on my shoulders increased tenfold.

Hours later we sat at the dining room table. Lars had ordered pizza, but neither one of us seemed to be able to get more than a few bites down. I was still in a daze at his acceptance of my request. Call me old fashioned, but to me, sex is something sacred shared between two people. Once that act occurs, you have a bond with that person, whether you want it or not. What I had asked Lars to do tonight was to free me of that bond, and carry on my life as if I'd never met him. A small part of me was deluded enough to buy into it and even put a plan into action for me to carry out like a simple piece of math: after this carnal visit, I'd go back to my apartment and check in with Jin. Tomorrow, I'd go to a pawn shop in town and sell all my junk; drive on home to my beloved moody Jin, who'd welcome me with a benevolent smile and open arms; and pretend as if this entire sordid affair never happened. The rest of me wanted to tell that small part off for being such a naïve asshole. I'd probably never forget Lars, not after this afternoon, and certainly not after tonight. I'd come here with the purpose of cleansing myself of him, but all I seemed to do was further imprint him into me. "You're not eating" he said blankly. I looked up at him. "Neither are you" I observed. He gave me a small grin. "Touché. I see you eventually did keep that chain," he said, his eyes falling on my neck. "I kept it as a reminder" I replied. We both fell back into our ruminations after that. I pushed the slice of cheesy pizza around on my plate before attempting at small talk. "Would it be too forward if I asked you've been keeping while I was... uh… gone?" He pressed his lips together tightly. "I've turned semi-alcoholic, I slept with Nina… and that's about it really." My head spun at the second point. "Slept with Nina?" I repeated implausibly. He squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. "It was a one time thing. I was drunk and in pain, and she was there. Voila, regret sex." I raised my eyebrow and nodded. I felt a dull anger rise inside of me, but I silenced it automatically. He used to be straight before this, so it shouldn't be that big a deal. Besides, I had no right to judge – not after what I asked. Not after what I did.

"Hwoarang?" I looked up again. "I don't mean to be awkward, but could we do this now?" He said it so clearly, without shame or hesitation, as if it were perfectly normal. He was so distant about the whole thing, but I still couldn't forget his earlier words. 'I'm doing it because I love you, not as some sort of favor.' As I nodded to show my approval to him, he stood up; I wondered if we'd ever be able to forget each other if we felt this deeply. I could go back to Jin and be in denial forever more about this day, but that doesn't mean that it never happened. "I'll never forget you" I thought miserably. "Never."

I pushed my plate of barely touched pizza away from and stood up. Lars walked over and grabbed my legs and back with his hands, lifting me into a carrying position. "Wha… what are you doing?" I stammered, confused. He looked at me, pining radiating from the depths of his irises. "This would be our last night together, right?"

"Yes."

"So let's make it count for something." My arm snuck around his neck of its own accord. I had lost all control of myself as I surrendered to my emotions. I leant forward and stole the most delicious kiss I've ever had in my life from his satin lips. God, how I wanted him. As he carried me off to the bedroom, he leant forward to plant light kisses on my neck and chin. He kicked the bedroom door open and laid me gently on the bed. I knew I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life – not by coming here, but leaving him. As I gazed up into those sad chocolate eyes, I realized that love isn't chasing some ridiculous fantasy; it's being there for someone, forever and always. My fingers crawled up his shoulders and clasped around his neck pulling him closer to me. As he lowered his head for another sweet kiss, I started to cry silently. He pulled back and saw my tears. Frowning slightly, he lowered himself again, this time, his lips tenderly brushing against my closed eyelids, as if trying to wipe my tears away. "Please don't cry" he murmured. "How can you be so good to me?" I asked him hoarsely, my eyes refusing to cut off their waterworks. He smiled slightly. "Why do you ask questions if you already know the answer Hwoarang?" Yes, I did know the answer. To ask him to put it into words would just ruin it. He lifted himself off of me and hastily undid his shirt, followed by his pants and underwear. He stood there in front of me, so bare and vulnerable, offering me his love – something which I wasn't worthy of. He was every bit as beautiful as I remembered. Encouraged by his actions, I ripped my own clothes off, all the while never taking my eyes off of him. I wanted to remember every detail of this, of him. He gently shoved his body onto my own, his warm mouth devotedly carving kisses onto my neck. I moaned as he moved lower, his tongue setting my skin on fire. I tugged gently at his blond hair to pull him upwards. "Please" I pleaded. He reached over to the nightstand where the lotion was and lubricated his steel member. He wetted his middle and index fingers with the remaining lotion and gently pressed them into my entrance. My body arched upwards in want as a heady groan escaped from my mouth. Lars kissed my exposed stomach before pressing me down onto the bed with the palm of his hand. I spread my legs in torturous anticipation. Lars moved in between them, stroking them with the back of his hand. "I love you Hwoarang. I need you to know that" he said quietly. As he entered me, I pulled him on top of me and fixed my eyes onto his. "I love you too Lars. I'm just sorry it took me so long to realize it." He began to move slowly, his pushes gentle; like he was afraid I would break. His hands roamed onto every square inch of my body, leaving a hedonistic path of desire in their wake. I locked onto his lips with my own and shoved my tongue into his waiting mouth. He moaned as explored each crevice of his warm cave. His thrusts were becoming faster now, more wild and forceful. I pulled out of his mouth and threw my head back. I was a complete slave to this moment: I'd never made such sweet love before, and I probably never would again. As sad as it is, I think that's part of the beauty of tonight – it's once in a lifetime. Our breathing came out in rough pants and gasps, signaling we were both close. With a final shove, he covered my mouth with his own and we both came in heavy pulses. He collapsed onto me, his soft breathing caressing my chest. I wrapped my arms around his body and held on tight. "If I could do things over, I would-" His hand reached up and covered my mouth, silencing the rest of the sentence. "Don't. Please don't." His voice was pleading and broken. I turned my head and watch the moon shine brilliantly in the black sky through the window. As I fell asleep, I cursed myself for the thousandth time for having left a lover so pure.

I awoke to the sound of light shuffling in the room. I squinted through half open eyelids to see Lars, fully dressed. "Lars?" I mumbled, tiredly rubbing my eyes. He turned around. "Go back to sleep Hwoarang" he said softly. "It's still early."

"How early?" He glanced at the clock on the nightstand. "Five o' clock kind of early."

"Are you going somewhere?" He fell silent for a moment before answering. "Just out for a walk to clear my head." A pang of guilt made itself known in my stomach. "Listen Lars, about last night… if you regret it-"

"I don't regret anything" he interrupted me. "I'm kind of glad it happened." I looked up at him, my eyes still blurred. "Me too" I said softly. He knelt down beside the bed and took my hand in his own. "No matter what happens, I'll always love you Hwoarang."

"I love you too." I bowed my head in shame as I let the course of last night's events wash over my memory. Of course, I committed infidelity, but Jin was the last thing on my mind. Here, now was what mattered. He let the chain around my neck entwine around one of his fingers, pulling me closer towards his warm body. "Will you be back soon?" I asked. "Probably not" he whispered, his eyes shimmering in the darkness. He kissed my forehead gently. "Goodbye Hwoarang" he said serenely. With those final words, I watched him walk out of the room. As I lay my head down, I heard the front door softly close, along with what I swear was a weary sigh. My eyes grew heavy again, and I drifted back to the dreamless slumber, mentally kicking myself for ever leaving him.

When I awoke again, the clock on the nightstand told me it was eight am. I stretched out of bed and indolently put on my randomly strewn clothes before wandering off into the kitchen. On the counter, in the exact spot where I had left my note of betrayal to Lars, was another note left to me. I sighed as I picked it up: it seemed of late my life seemed to be governed by these irritating things. The paper was folded in half with my name neatly printed on the top. I opened it, and as I scanned the words, my insides turned cold. "No," I whispered. "No, he wouldn't do this." Tears started to cascade from my eyes as I crumpled my body to the floor in a series of sobs. "PLEASE DEAR GOD NO!" I screamed. My breathing virtually stopped, I was crying too hard. An overwhelming sense of grief paralyzed me to the floor. I don't know how long I lay there like that, my sobs echoing in the empty apartment. It could have been hours, maybe even a day. All I knew was that I'd lost what was really important to me. The one person who was there for me when all others were not was gone. "I'm sorry" I whispered, knowing it was too little too late.

Hwoarang

I wish I had the strength to carry on with my life without you, but I don't. Just as you can't forget me, I can't forget you. I love you too much to carry on with the life I've been living for the past two months, even though I know you've moved on. I can't erase you or the time we spent together from my memory, nor do I want to. Remember that day I ranted on about my mother? You said we do strange things for the people we love. I didn't really understand that, not until last night. Just know that this decision was fully mine and is no fault of your own. I love you, and I always will.

Lars

In the moments when my sobs ceased, I heard the devastating crash of my life falling around me.

'When you are alone, just look at the spaces in between your fingers and remember mines are forever locked with yours'

Anonymous

So this is it guys, I finally decided to end the story here. I'm a sucker for sad endings. There may be a sequel to this story on the cards in the future, may be even one with an alternate (i.e. happy) ending, but I'll see how it goes. In the meantime, please go and check out my other story, Yours Eternally. It's not slash, but it kind of follows in the same Tekken vein. I'd just like to thank all my faithful reviewers who have been supporting me and sticking with the story: knightales, FavUYA, MafiaTango and noise-sound of life, and to everyone else who has reviewed and read all of these chapters. Without your help and guidance, I wouldn't have been able to carry on with this, so this chapter is dedicated to all of you. As always, your thoughts and comments are most welcome. Ciao!