Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own the boys, or anything related to the show. This is all just for fun.
Review Response:
And thanks to unicornofrainbow, J-09, and rholou for your kind reviews.
Sorry for the delay. This chapter gave me a hard time at parts. I also edited it myself, so I'm sure I may have missed some spelling and grammar mistakes, so I take all the blame if there are any.
Warning: Very slight reference to non-con. Self-harm.
Hope you enjoy Chapter 10. Thanks.
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CHAPTER 10 - SALVATION
The next couple days were tough for both boys. Their father drove them around, looking at a job, one that was pretty easy. So their father wasn't unaware of the tension that surrounded the family.
Dean felt terrible, he didn't want his brother to treat him any differently. He wished he could take everything back, and decide to take the out Sam gave him. Sure, Sam hasn't really been acting any differently, but Dean can tell his brother's concern has only doubled since that night.
Sam on the other hand, hates himself. He can tell his brother feels like shit, completely uncomfortable around him. He wants to tell his brother that everything is fine, but he's sure that wouldn't help the situation. All he can do is offer his brother space.
There father doesn't seem to notice anything. And Dean is having a harder time keeping everything together. His urge to cut is almost suffocating, to the point where he won't bring anything sharp inside the washroom with him. And he'll only shave in the morning while the door is open, so that he's not tempted.
After finishing up a simple hunt, their father finally sits them down and lets them in on everything he's got. This surprises both of the brothers. And Sam can tell that Dean is slightly relieved that they are getting into the bigger monsters. Bigger things to distract himself with.
So the three Winchesters are sitting in a motel room, John has research everywhere; on the table, the walls. He also has the colt on the table. Sam and Dean listen to their father speak.
"So, this is it. This is everything I know. Look, our whole lives we've been searching for this demon, right? And not a trace, just nothing...until about a year ago. For the first time, I pick up a trail." John says.
"That's when you took off." Dean concludes, it makes sense. Why wouldn't his father take that lead.
"Yeah, that's right. The demon must have come out of hiding or hibernation." John continues. He knows it's a poor excuse for abandoning his son, but hopefully Dean can understand.
"All right, so, what's this trail you found?" Dean asks.
"It starts in Arizona, then New Jersey, California..." John pauses for a moment, to look at Sam. He knows this isn't going to be an easy conversation. "Houses are burning down to the ground. It's going after families...just like it went after us."
"Families with infants?" Sam asks, wanting to ask about California, but he's not sure he wants to know.
"Yeah...the night of the kid's six-month birthday." John informs them.
"I was six months old that night?" Sam asks. He never knew that much information about that night. It's something they rarely talked about.
"Exactly six months." John replies sadly.
"So, basically, this demon is goin' after these kids for some reason...the same way it came for me? So, Mom's death, Jessica...it's all 'cause of me?" Sam asks, getting upset.
Shit. This really isn't want Dean wanted. He wanted a change, something to distract both of them. But this, this isn't want he wanted.
"We don't know that, Sam." Dean say, trying to remain calm.
"Oh, really, 'cause I'd say we're pretty damn sure, Dean." Sam says, practically yelling.
"For the last time, what happened to them is not your fault." Dean says, trying to pull his brother back.
"Yeah, you're right, it's not my fault, but it's my problem!" Sam yells.
"No, it's not your problem, it's our problem!" Dean says, also raising his voice.
"Okay. That's enough." John says as he stands up.
The room goes completely silent for a moment. Nobody knowing what to say.
"So, why is it doing it? What does it want?" Sam asks, trying to stay calm.
"Look, I wish I had more answers. I do. I've always been one step behind it. Look, I've never gotten there in time to save..." John trails off, not sure how to tell his youngest son that he was too late to save his girlfriend.
"All right, so, how do we find it before it hits again?" Dean asks, trying to keep everything like a regular job.
"There's signs. Look, it took me a while to see the pattern, but in the days before these fires, signs crop up in an area...cattle deaths, temperature fluctuations, electrical storms. And then I went back and checked, and..." John feels his own emotions coming to the surface.
"These things happened in Lawrence." Dean can see the pain on his father's face. He always hated it when his father talked about what happened, his father never took it well.
John nods. "The week before your mother died."
John doesn't want to admit the next part, but he knows that he has to. This is the hardest conversation he's ever had with is boys. So John turns and faces Sam.
"And in Palo Alto...before Jessica. And these signs...they're starting again." John concludes.
Dean looks towards Sam, knowing that this conversation has to be hard on him, just like his father. They've all lost so much because of this demon.
"Where?" Sam asks, trying to keep his emotions in check.
"Salvation, Iowa." John states.
Sam just nods, trying to take in all the information.
"All right then, what are we waiting for." Sam replies.
Sam doesn't wait for an answer, he starts packing up his stuff.
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Dean and Sam soon find themselves in the Impala, following their father. The car is quiet, both boys having so much on their minds.
"You going to be okay with this?" Dean asks. Wanted to make sure Sam's head is on straight.
"What?" Sam asks, looking over at his brother. But Dean keeps his focus on the road.
"I just want to make sure your head right. I remember how dad could be in the early years after mom. I just don't want you doing anything stupid, alright." Dean says, a little too coldly.
"I'm fine. I won't fuck anything up, I promise." Sam replies, just as coldly.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean...forget it." Dean says quietly.
"Perfect." Sam snaps.
Sam hates this. The last couple days, he's felt like shit and completely helpless. His brother took a huge step, finally opening up. And now...it's like they are further apart.
"I'm sorry, it's just...it's little much. Everything." Sam replies, quietly.
"I know. I just...if this is the real deal. I don't want you or dad getting hurt. I know how much this means to both of you, but..." Dean doesn't know how to continue.
"I know. It's just...for awhile, I kind of forgot you know. We were on the road, there were other thing..." Sam trails off, not wanting to admit that his worry for Dean took over his mind.
"Me." Dean says softly, hoping he's wrong.
"Yeah, everything with you. We were on the road. Jessica, finding dad. and the demon, it all kind of...I donno, didn't seem as important for a while. And now, everything I guess is just hitting me a little harder than if I didn't forget about it all in the first place." Sam finishes sadly, he doesn't want his brother to feel bad for this. But he's almost sure that he will.
"I'm sorry, you never should have had to worry about me and my many problems." Dean says softly.
"Don't do this Dean. Don't. It's not your fault. I wouldn't change what happened this last year, I wouldn't. Okay, maybe somethings would have been nice if they never happened. But...this isn't going to be weird now. Is it?" Sam asks.
"What are you talking about?" Dean asks, clearly confused.
"I'm still giving you space, so don't take this as me pushing you. I just...I don't want you to completely shut me out after what you told me a couple nights ago." Sam says, hoping this doesn't make everything worse.
"I'm sorry, I didn't...look, this is how I handle things, you know that Sammy. I focus on other things, especially the hunt. And I can't...if we're really going after the thing that killed mom. I can't be unfocused. So, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to shut you out. I just..." Dean feels exhausted.
"Okay, I just...wanted to make sure." Sam says softly.
Before either of the brothers can think of something else to say, their father pulls over to the side of the road. Dean gives Sam a confused look, before pulling over to the side of the road as well.
Everyone gets out of their cars, and Dean can tell that something is wrong the second he looks at his father's face. Neither Sam, nor Dean has a chance to ask what's wrong before John hits his car angrily, cursing.
"Damn it." John yells.
"What is it?" Dean asks cautiously.
"Son of a bitch!" John seems not to have heard Dean.
"What is it?" Dean asks again.
"I just got a call from Caleb." John finally says, after taking a calming breath.
"Is he okay?" Dean ask, hating the look on his father's face. It can't be good.
"He's fine. Jim Murphy is dead." John states.
Sam almost wants to laugh at the subtlety of it all, but he knew that wouldn't go over well. They all cared for Jim. So all this was like a punch to the gut for both boys.
"Pastor Jim?" Sam asks, and his father just nods. "How?"
"Throat was slashed...he bled out." John states, trying to stay disconnected.
Dean and Sam are both stunned. Neither knowing how to process this news.
"Caleb said they found traces of sulfur at Jim's place." John replies, trying to keep everything normal. As if talking about a regular victim, but he can feel the pain building in his chest.
"A demon?" Dean asks, and John nods slightly. "The Demon?"
"I don't know. Could be he just got careless, he slipped up. Maybe the demon knows we're getting close." John replies.
"What do you want to do?" Dean asks. Knowing that his father was close to Pastor Jim, but also knowing that his father won't want to change course.
"Now we act like every second counts. There's two hospitals and a health center in this county. We split up, we cover more ground. I want records. I want a list of every infant that's gonna be six months old in the next week." John states coldly, needing to jump back into his role.
"Dad, that could be dozens of kids. How the hell are we gonna know which one's the right one?" Sam asks, not wanting to cause a problem right now.
"We'll check 'em all, that's how. You got any better ideas?" John shouts, not wanted to get angry.
Sam is shocked, and doesn't know what to say. He's seen his father angry a lot, a couple time even since they got him back. But this, this was different.
"No, sir." Sam says quietly.
They all slowly move back to their cars. John turns back to his truck but stops.
"Dad?" Dean asks, hating to see his father like this. It's so rare.
After a moment, John turns to face his sons.
"Yeah...it's Jim. You know, I can't..." John trails off, sadly. "This ends. Now. I'm ending it. I don't care what it takes."
John gets into his truck, and Dean just stands there. He's shocked. He doesn't want this rage to destroy his father. Before Sam can think of something to say, Dean gets back in the car.
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Dean had a lot of good memories of Pastor Jim and it hurt to think that he's gone. Another casualty to this stupid, pointless war. And he could only imagine how bad his father must feel, Pastor Jim was a good friend to their dad.
So they all split up, and headed to find every kid that would be turning six months in the next week. Dean got to talk to a pretty little nurse, and he really wanted to just take her out. Why did everything have to be so complicated? Why does he have to feel like this? Why does his family have to be in constant pain?
Dean is the first one back the motel room, and that's a very bad thing. Because once the door closes behind him, he feels the panic rising in his chest. It's the first time since their father joined them on the road, that he got some time to himself. Completely alone.
Dean started to panic, he couldn't have a panic attack. His brother or father couldn't come back and find him passed out on the floor. How would he lie his way out of that?
His attention is drawn to the weapon's bag that is by the table. Their father was in a rush, so they just threw all their bags into the room quickly, before all heading out to do their research. So Dean slowly walks over to the bag, trying to control his breathing. His body already shaking like crazy.
He knows what he's going to find in that bag. Knives, guns, and other various weapons. So no, he can't. He turns his back to the bag. He needs something to distraction himself with, so he walks over to Sam's bag. He pulls out Sam's laptop, with shaking hands. Dean freezes when he sees a small switchblade on top of Sam's clothes. Probably silver. Both boys carrying around something small wherever they go, just in case. Obviously his brother didn't think he needed it for his trip to the hospital.
Dean collapses onto the ground, setting the laptop down next to him. He stares at the small switchblade for a moment before slowly picking it up. He quickly gets to his feet and throws off his jacket. He's luckily wearing a long sleeved shirt underneath his jacket, so he rushes into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.
Dean sits down on the edge of the bathtub. His hands shake as he opens up the switchblade and stares at it. He has no idea when his brother or father could be getting back, but that's the smallest concern in his mind. All his pain is overwhelming. It's been so long.
Dean slowly takes off his shirt completely, and throws it onto the ground. He then strips down completely and gets into the shower. He can't risk getting blood on his clothes, not when he has no excuse for it. No hunt, no recent injuries.
Dean sits down in the tub, and pulls his knees up against his chest. He's shaking, and he feels a panic rise in his chest. He shouldn't do this. What if Sam gets back? What if he can tell something's wrong? But Dean needs something, he's been pushing so much behind his walls that he can feel them cracky.
Despite the tension it created, Sam probably thought that Dean opening up to him a couple night ago was a good thing. And at the time, well, after the fact, Dean thought he felt a little bit of weight lifted off him. But now, that he's completely alone with a shiny knife in his hand, he feels like nothing has changed. And to add to everything, Pastor Jim is gone. He'll never see him again.
Tears drop onto Dean's knees, and Dean quickly wipes the tears from his face with his free hand. He feels pathetic, weak. Why can't he be more like his father, he wonders. He father would never be in this situation, and his father never would have gotten himself into the situation that Dean found himself in in New Orleans. God, he still can't even say the words out-loud and it's almost been a year. What's wrong with him?
Taking a deep breath, Dean closed his eyes. Maybe if he could just control the panic, he wouldn't have to do this. He wouldn't have to hide yet another mistake, another weakness. But the second Dean was surrounded by darkness, the pain only increased. Images of the scarred foster care man, his father's disappointment over failures, disappointment over almost getting Sammy killed, sharp pain, laughter, and the faces of three men; all that and other feeling hit Dean like a ton of bricks.
Dean's eyes snap open, and more tears run down his face. He can barely breath. He has no choice. He places the blade over healed skin, his entire body shaking. Without thinking about it, Dean's brain too focused on other things, he lets the blade sink into his skin. Making one cut, and then another. Dean stops after there are four cuts alone his arm. There is more blood than he's used to, his first cut was deeper than he wanted it to be. He'd usually have to cover his arm completely in tiny little cuts to get this much blood.
Dean curses himself, but he's now calm. And Dean can now feel the pain pulsing through his arm. He drops the blade to the ground of the tub, and jumps at the loud clang it makes when it makes contact with the bottom of the tub.
Dean just sits there, watching the blood. Knowing he should clean himself up, see if he needs to stitch that first, careless, stupid cut. That's when he really starts to panic, he hears the door of the motel room open and close. Dean's eyes widen in fear, and he holds his breath.
"Dean? Sam?" Dean hears his father shout from the other side of the closed bathroom door.
"Shit." Dean curses to himself, he can't go out there, not now. Not to mention the fact that he's completely naked, he doesn't quiet now how to explain the bleeding arm to his father. So Dean does the only thing he knows how.
"Dad! I'm about to take a shower. Hate those smelly hospitals. I pulled out Sam's laptop, was about to start the research. I'll be out in a second." Dean yells.
Dean doesn't wait for a response from his father. He quickly stands up and starts the water. The water washes away the blood, as most of the cuts have stopped bleeding. Dean looks at his arm, the first cut is still bleeding slightly, and Dean wants to kick himself. Why did he have to do this. His father is right outside the bathroom, why is he so stupid?
Dean keeps his arm out of the water for a moment, and the blood seems to stop flowing down his arm. Dean breaths in a sigh of relief, maybe the cut isn't so bad.
Dean gets of out the shower, and dries off, making sure he doesn't get any blood on the towel. He uses toilet paper to dry off his arm, free of blood, and flushes the bloody toilet paper down the toilet.
Dean examines his arm, if he got these cuts from a hunt, he'd probably have to stitch some of them up. But the kit's out in the main area of the room. So, he can't risk it. There might be a slight scar later, but not as bad as the one of his shoulder. He was able to lie about that one, he'll be able to lie about this one too.
Dean quickly gets dressed and exits the bathroom. John is already sitting on a chair, laptop set up on the table, doing research. And this makes Dean relax. Everything is fine, everything is normal.
"You alright?" John asks, and Dean freezes. Did he just hear his father right?
"What?" Dean asks, as he takes a seat across from his father.
"I asked if you found anything?" John asks, as he looks up from the laptop.
"Oh..." Dean says, feeling kind of weird. He feels exhausted.
"You alright Dean, you look a little pale." John asks.
"I'm fine, just tired I guess. Long day." Dean says, forcing a smile.
"I know, but it's no time to let our emotions get the better of us. Jim was a good friend of mine as well, and I hate that he's gone. But we can't let that get in our way of getting the job done." John concludes, as he looks back at the laptop and continues to type.
Dean is shocked, his father thinks all this is about Jim? Is his father really that blind, or is Dean really that good? Dean doesn't have time to dwell on the answer as Sam enters the room. Everything Dean's thinking vanishes as he sees the distress on his baby brother's face.
"Sam?" Dean asks as he quickly gets up of his chair and makes his way over to his brother.
Sam holds a hand to his head, clearly in a little pain. And Dean quickly realizes what's going on.
"Tylenol?" Dean asks.
"Please." Sam says softly as he allows Dean to steer him towards a bed.
Sam collapses as Dean grabs him some tylenol and some water. Their father watches the scene unfold, confused.
"What's going on?" John asks.
Dean hates this. He can only imagine how piss this is going to make their father. But that's not important, not right now. His brother is in pain, and had to witness god knows what.
"Here." Dean says, ignoring his father as he hands Sam the tylenol and waters.
"Thanks." Sam says softly, as he takes the tylenol and forces them down with the water.
Sam is slightly shaking, and Dean wants to jump into the important questions. But he knows that's only going to set off more alarms with their father.
"Dean? Care to explain what the fuck is going on? What's wrong with your brother?" John demands.
"I'm fine dad. I just have a headache." Sam says softly.
"Sam." Dean starts, but not sure what to say after that.
"It's okay." Sam says, and Dean takes a step away from his brother.
"Dad, there's something I need to tell you." Sam says, addressing their father.
Dean paces the room as Sam explains the vision he saw, and what little he knows about the freaky power he got about a year ago. Dean sits down on the other bed as Sam continues, and just waits for their father to freak out. He wants to think he's paranoid, but once Sam is finished, John doesn't waste much time proving Dean right.
Sam continues to massage his temple. Waiting for the headache to go away.
"A vision?" John asks, trying to remain calm.
"Yes. I saw the demon burning a woman on the ceiling." Sam explains, yet again.
"And you think it's gonna happen to this woman you met because...?" John asks, trying to remain calm and confused, despite the anger and frustration that is pushing at the surface.
"Because these things happen exactly the way I see them." Sam explains, frustrated.
"It started out as nightmares, and then he started havin' them when he was awake." Dean explains as he gets off the bed and walks to the other side of the room. He needs to keep moving.
"Yeah. It's like the closer I get to anything involving the demon, the stronger the visions get." Sam concludes.
"All right, when were you gonna tell me about this?" John asks, clearly directed the question at Dean.
"We didn't know what it meant." Dean explains, not knowing what else to say. He has not idea what's happening to his brother, and it scares him.
"All right, something like this starts happening to your brother, you pick up the phone, and you call me." John replies, the anger apparent in his voice.
Dean walks towards John. Everything is still so close to the surface. And unless he wants to breakdown, for everything that's happening to his brother, and everything that's happened to him, Dean has to latch onto his own anger. Even if that means pissing off their father.
"Call you? Are you kidding me? Dad, I called you from Lawrence, all right? Sam called you when I was dying. Gettin' you on the phone...I've got a better chance of winning the lottery." Dean says, trying to keep himself from yelling.
John just stares at Dean, and Dean's afraid that his father is going to get very very angry. Sure, Dean knows that he won't get violent but his father can sure be scary when he's angry. And with everything else that's swirling around in Dean's head, he's not sure if he can handle that. So, he is surprised when John doesn't raise his voice. John's face actually softens.
"You're right. Although I'm not real crazy about this new tone of yours, you're right. I'm sorry." John says, softly.
Dean is shocked, and he doesn't know what to say. Did his father really just apologize?
Sam can tell that Dean is drowning in so many emotions. A lot has been happening lately, and he's not sure how well Dean is handling everything that's been added to his plate. So he knows he needs to be more present in this conversation before it gets out of control. So he does the one thing he knows will keep Dean balanced, keep the focus on the hunt.
"Look, guys, vision or no vision, the fact is, we know the demon is coming tonight. And this family's gonna go through the same hell that we went through." Sam says, not sure if added the family touch was the best idea at the moment.
"No, they're not. No one is, ever again." John replies.
Dean can see the same expression on both their faces, and it scares him a little. Sure, Dean wants this thing dead just as much as anyone else. But John and Sam seem to want it dead on a whole other level, and it scares Dean at how far they'll go to make sure this demon never hurts anyone ever again.
Before Dean can say anything Sam's cell phone rings. Sam goes through his jacket pockets until his finds his phone, and he answers.
"Hello?" Sam asks, having not taken the time to look at the caller ID.
"Sam?" Sam hears a female voice on the other end of the line, and doesn't recognize it right away. But there is something familiar about it.
"Who is this?" Sam asks.
"Think real hard. It'll come to you." Meg replies, a smile clearly heard in her voice.
"Meg." Sam says, shocked. "Last time I saw you, you fell out of a window."
Dean looks over at his father and then back to Sam. How can Meg be calling?
"Yeah, thanks to you. That really hurt my feelings, by the way." Meg says, fake sadness seeping through the phone.
"Just your feelings? That was a seven-story drop." Sam states, unaware of the concerned glares he's receiving from both his father and brother.
"Let me speak to your dad." Meg says.
"My dad...I don't know where my dad is." Sam replies, as he looks up at his father.
John gets up off his chair, and approaches his son. Dean just stays in his spot, shocked.
"It's time for the grown-ups to talk, Sam. Let me speak to him, now." Meg demands.
Sam looks up at his father again, who is now standing in front of him. Sam is reluctant, but passes the phone to his father. He then looks over to Dean, who has an unreadable expression on his face. It looks almost as if he's zoned out, completely shut down. And this concerns Sam.
"This is John." John says into the phone.
Johns voice snaps both Dean and Sam out of their trances. Dean looks over to Sam, and sees that he's staring at him. So Dean walks over, and takes a seat on the opposite bed. He tries to ignore Sam's concerned stare as he listens to the one sided conversation that John is having with Meg.
"Howdy, John. I'm Meg. I'm a friend of your boys. I'm also the one who watched Jim Murphy choke on his own blood." Meg says cruely.
Both Sam and Dean are shocked. They don't know what Meg said to their father, but it looks like he's going to cry.
"Still there, John boy?" Meg ask.
"I'm here." John says, as he turns his back on his sons. He starts to pace the room.
"Well, that was yesterday. Today, I'm in Lincoln...visiting another old friend of yours. He wants to say hi." Meg continues.
John waits, hearing some movement on the other side of the phone. Dean slowly gets off the bed, waiting to see his father's face. He has a bad feeling about this.
"John, whatever they do, don't give..." Caleb shouts.
John cringes as Caleb's voice is cut off. He grips the phone, anger boiling in his veins. He can almost feel Dean's concerned stare on his back.
"Caleb?" John asks.
Dean looks over to Sam, both concerned. Sam worries that another death will push both his father and brother over the edge, but too different edges. Sam hasn't had the time to talk to Dean about Pastor Jim, and how all that's effecting him, but he can only assume that Dean's not holding up too well. And Sam's sure Dean wouldn't tell him how he's really feeling anyways. The last personal conversation they had was probably the most "chick-flick" he'll get from his brother for a while.
"Caleb...You listen to me. He's got nothing to do with anything. You let him go." John demands, keeping his back to his boys.
Hearing his father's voice takes Sam's attention off his brother. He knows that if Caleb is killed, this is only going to fuel their father's rage.
"We know you have the Colt, John." Meg says, and John just wants to break the phone against the wall.
"I don't know what you're talking about." John replies.
"Oh. Okay. So, listen to this." Meg says, coldly.
The line goes silent, and John waits. Then he hears what sounds like Caleb's throat being cut. Caleb then starts gagging.
"Caleb? Caleb!" John shouts, hoping that his friend is dying.
"Dad?" Dean asks softly. Sam looks over to his brother, but their father ignores Dean's call.
"Can you hear that? That's the sound of your friend dying, now let's try this again." Meg's voice comes through the phone.
John walks over to the near by chair and collapses onto it. Both Sam and Dean can see the look of devastation on their father's face. Dean just shakes his head. Sam looks over to his brother with concern. They both have a pretty good idea what just happened, but they both deny the possibility. Both holding onto the hope that their old friend is alright.
"We know you have the gun, John. Word travels fast. So, as far as we're concerned, you just declared war. And this is what war looks like...it has casualties." Meg continues.
"I'm gonna kill you, you know that?" John replies, anger clear in his voice.
"Oh, John, please. Mind your blood pressure. So, this is the thing...we're gonna keep doing what we're doing, and your friends, anyone who has ever helped you, gave you shelter, anyone you ever loved...they'll all die unless you give us that gun." Meg says.
John sighs and risks a glance over to his boys. Dean is trying hard to keep the panic from showing on his face, but he has no idea what's happening. And Sam is looking over at Dean, with concern. This slightly confuses John, but he ignores it. Focuses on the voice on the other side of the cell phone.
"I'm waiting, Johnny. Better answer before the buzzer." Meg concludes.
"Okay." John replies quietly.
"Sorry? I didn't quite get that." Meg says.
"I said okay. I'll bring you the Colt." John replies, louder.
"There's a warehouse in Lincoln, on the corner of Wabash and Lake. You're gonna meet me there." Meg replies, clearly pleased.
"It's gonna take me about a day's drive to get there." John says, getting up and walking towards his stuff.
"Meet me there at midnight tonight." Meg says.
"That's impossible. I can't get there in time, and I can't just carry a gun on a plane." John says, as he stops. Not knowing what to do.
"Oh. Then I guess your friends die, don't they." Meg says cruelly.
John sighs, clearly frustrated. He really wants to kill this bitch.
"If you do decide to make it, come alone." Meg says, before hanging up.
John starts putting his stuff away, what little he took out since getting into the room only less than an hour ago. He explains to his boys about what Meg told him, and what happened to Caleb.
Dean just stays on the bed, trying to process everything. How is it possible, losing two people he knew in such a short time. His brain can't wrap itself around that, and this...on top of everything else. This really sucks, terrible timing. If Sam wasn't worried about him enough as it is, this is definitely going to spark some more awkward forced conversations.
And what about his dad. He knows how upset all this is probably for him too. And he knows that if he's mind is set towards something, that neither himself, nor Sam, will be able to talk him out of it. And he's scared. Scared that his father is going to do something stupid, and get hurt, or worse, killed. And Dean really can't handle the death of his father right now. That will definitely break him.
Sam, is worried for both of them. He knows his father too, and he's worried the same as Dean. He's trying not to focus on the pain he's feeling over Caleb and Jim, because he knows he needs to be stronger than that. Because he knows that his brother, with everything else that's happened to him, won't be able to deal much longer. So Sam tries to keep everything light, and focused on the case, even though he wants to ask his brother if he's alright. But he knows that Dean wouldn't want him to bring attention to what he would call weakness, in front of their father.
"So, you think Meg is a demon?" Sam asks.
"Either that or she's possessed by one. It doesn't really matter." John says.
Sam and John are now seated across from each other at the table; while Dean is still seated on the bed. John is clearly too caught up in what's going on now, to notice anything different going on with his oldest son.
"What do we do?" Dean asks, finally finding his voice.
"I'm going to Lincoln." John states.
"What?" Dean asks. He really shouldn't be surprised, but he can't help it. He doesn't want his father to do this.
"It doesn't seem like I have a choice. If I don't go, a lot of people die. Our friends die." John replies, coldly.
"Dad, the demon is coming tonight for Monica and her family. That gun is all we've got. You can't just hand it over." Sam says, knowing how much Dean would want their father to stick around. But also seeing their father's point. They can't keep losing people over this war.
"Who said anything about handing it over? Look, besides us and a couple vampires, no one's really seen the gun. No one knows what is looks like." John replies.
"So, what, you're just gonna pick up a ringer at a pawn shop?" Dean asks, confused. Wasn't exactly what he expected, but it's a distraction. Let's him be himself for a little while.
"Antique store." John says, with a smile.
"You're gonna hand Meg a fake gun and hope she doesn't notice?" Dean asks. Really hoping his father's joking.
"Look, as long as it's close, she shouldn't be able to tell the difference." John says, completely serious.
"Yeah, but for how long? What happens when she figures it out?" Dean asks, the panic raising again. That distraction didn't last long enough. His father can't be serious.
"I just...I just need to buy a few hours, that's all." John replies, almost sadly.
"You mean for Dean and me." Sam says, hoping he's wrong. This will destroy Dean, and Sam knows it. And when John says nothing Sam almost wants to hit him. "You want us to stay here...and kill this demon by ourselves?"
"No, Sam. I want to stop losing people we love. I want you to go to school. I want Dean to have a home." John says, and he turns away from Sam and Dean. Tears run down Johns face.
Sam doesn't have to see his father's face to know that he's crying, which is something Sam rarely saw. But then he thought that about his brother too, and that's changed.
"I want Mary alive." John says sadly. He wipes the tears from his face as he turns back towards his boys.
Sam's heart nearly breaks. The pain so raw in his father's voice, even after 22 years. He almost wants to cry. Cry for everything that they've all been through. Everything they've all lost.
Dean is just as surprised to see his father like this. His father, who drilled into his head that emotions are weakness that could cost you the job.
"I just...just want this over." John concludes.
Dean feels the tears welling up in his eyes as he looks over at his brother. Sam also has tears in his eyes. Neither brother is able to speak for a long time. Not sure there is anything to say to convince their father not to do this. Because in all honesty, they don't want to lose anymore of their friends either; but they also can't allow this demon to destroy another family.
So Dean volunteers to go by an antic shop, as Sam gets John's weapons ready. Sam wants to protest, he feels like his brother has been avoided him lately. But he can't argue in front of his father, because he knows how much that would upset Dean. So he just has to wait.
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Sam helps his father pack up his truck. They drive silently to where they agreed to meet Dean. So now they are parked on the side of a deserted road, and cleaning John's weapons as they wait for Dean. There are so many things Sam wants to say, but he can't think of a thing.
Dean, however, is having a worst time. He needed this time alone. It didn't take him long at all to find a gun that looked close enough to the colt at a local antic store. But on the way to meet up with his brother and father, Dean felt sick. He pulls over his car to the side of the road.
Dean thought the last few months were rough. He thought he's bee suffocating under the weight of fearing for their father, not knowing if his father was safe. But then things just kept piling up, all the secrets, his brother's constant poking, all the hunts. But he would trade all that back if he could erase the last couple days. Erase the tension between him and his brother, erase his stupid confession, erase losing people he cared about, and erase having his father leave again.
He feels like his thoughts are trying to blow his brain out, too much going on. He also feels the panic started to grow, and Dean forces himself to take deep breaths. These panic attacks are having the worst timing ever. How can he explain taking so long, oh I just had a panic attack and passed out on the side of the road, no biggy Dad.
"FFFFUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" Dean shouts at the top of his lungs, and then slams his head into the steering wheel.
Dean knows he has to pull it together, and now, before his father and brother start to wonder. So he takes another deep breath, and pushes everything aside. Throwing up all those walls, extras even, to keep everything ignored. This really isn't the time.
So when Dean gets to the meet point, he finds his father and Sam looking at weapons. Completely silent. Which, should be a good thing, at least they aren't yelling at each other. But he knows that Sam must have so many things on his mind, and if he's not getting it out on his father, than that mean's he's going to be forced into another awkward conversation.
Dean gets out of the car, and grabs something from the passenger seat. He then makes his way towards his father and Sam.
"Did you get it?" John asks as he notices Dean approach.
Sam can see the slight tension in Dean's shoulders as he approaches. But he knows better to ask Dean about it in front of their father. So he watches silently as Dean passes something wrapped in paper to their father.
"You know this is a trap, don't you? That's why Meg wants you to come alone." Dean replies. He looks over at Sam, knowing the look in his eye. He just gives him a glare that he hopes gets the message across to his brother, to keep his mouth shut.
"I can handle her. I got a whole arsenal loaded...holy water, Mandaic amulets..." John would list off everything in his trunk but Dean cuts him off.
"Dad..." Dean starts, not really knowing what to say. Too many thoughts and fears trying to push their way through his walls.
"What?" John asks.
"Promise me something." Dean says, almost pleadingly. Dean wants to curse himself. He doesn't want to come off as weak, but he needs to say something.
"What's that?" John asks.
"This thing goes south, just get the hell out. Don't get yourself killed, all right? You're no good to us dead." Dean says, trying to keep his emotions in check.
John can tell his son is struggling, but this is no time to stop and give time for emotions to destroy them. They all need to stay focused. He hates that he acts more like a drill sergeant than a father, but it's the only way he knows to survive.
"Same goes for you. All right, listen to me." John says, as he takes the real Colt out of his jacket pocket. "They made the bullets special for this Colt. There's only four of 'em left. Without 'em, this fun is useless. You make every shot count."
"Yes, sir." Sam states.
"I've been waiting a long time for this fight. Now it's here, and I'm not gonna be in it. It's up to you boys now. It's your fight. You finish this. You finish what I started. You understand?" John states, keeping his tone strong.
Sam and Dean nod. And after a moment, John hands the real Colt to Dean. Dean puts the Colt in his pocket.
"We'll see you soon, Dad." Sam says confidently.
John nods and smiles. He's not worried, but there's always that chance something couldn't go wrong, which any of them. Anything could happen to his boys. But they all need to believe that nothing bad is going to happen.
"I'll see you later." John says before walking towards his truck.
Sam and Dean remain quiet as they watch their father get into his truck and drive away. They both stand there in silence, on the side of the road. Neither one of them knowing what to say.
"I'm sure he'll be fine. Right?" Sam says, not really sure who he's trying to convince.
"Yeah." Dean says softly.
Dean just shakes his head, this is ridiculous. He should be more worried about messing up his end of this thing, getting someone killed. His father knows how to handle himself, knows how to lock away his emotions and do his job.
"Well, I guess...uh...we should get going then. Do you need to get anything or do anything at the motel? Or should we just go straight to Monica's house?" Dean asks as he starts to walk towards the car. Sam follows.
"I'm good. Might as well just head to Monica's." Sam says, knowing that his brother is stalling.
They get into the car. And Sam thinks he should probably leave everything alone. He knows how is brother is before a case, or in general. Emotions are a liability, they can cloud your judgement, and cause failure. Or at least that's what their father drilled into their heads, and it seems Dean's a little strong on that belief than Sam.
They drive to Monica's place in completely silence, as Sam goes over so many things he wants to say to his brother. It's still daylight, the sun just started to set. So he knows they have lots of time to kill. So as Dean parks the car across the street, Sam takes a deep breath. Knowing against his better judgment, that this is a crappy thing to do to his brother, after everything.
"You okay?" Sam asks.
"What?" Dean turns to face his brother.
"I asked if you were okay?" Sam repeats, thinking he should have just stopped before he even started.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Dean asks. Hoping, and praying that Sam shuts up. Or at least limits the conversation to things he can handle.
"I don't want to make this one of those conversations that you would deem awkward or uncomfortable. That's not what I want to do here." Sam says, still not sure what to say.
"Okay, so we'll setting for confusing then." Dean says with a smirk.
Sam rolls his eyes and laughs. He knows what his brother is trying to do, and even though on most occasions it pisses Sam off, he now finds it actually relaxing. It doesn't however slow Sam down much.
"I'm trying here Dean. And this isn't about your stuff. I'm giving you your space on that, because I know the conversation we had a couple nights ago was hard for me. Man, it was even hard for me. But this...man, anything could happen to Dad. Anything could happen to us. That's not even to bring up Caleb, and Pastor Jim, because I know you probably won't admit that it hurts." Sam says in a rush, needed to get everything out before he changes his mind.
"What do you want me to say Sam? Dad's going to be fine, it's only Meg. And...Sam, I really...I just want to focus on this job. Because it's...a big deal. And we can't fuck this up because there are a lot of lives at risk. So if this pisses you off, if ignoring this stuff makes you upset, well...I don't care. I'm not going to have this conversation with you, because it's only going to mess with my head and I can't afford to fuck this up." Dean states coldly. He then looks out the window, now staring at Monica's house. Hoping to end the conversation.
"And ignoring the problem until you can't function anymore, no, that could never cause a problem." Sam snaps.
"I'm fine, right now, I am focused but I...fuck Sam. Please, we can have a long-ass chick flick moment once this family is safe, the demon is dead, and Dad is back. But until then..." Dean says, slowly getting angry.
Sam takes a deep breath and settles into his seat. "Fine." He mumbles.
The car goes silent for a long time. The sun now gone, and the boys sit in the dark. Sam can't handle the silence, he needs to say something, anything.
"This is weird." Sam says, hoping his chosen topic of conversation isn't too "chick-flick" for Dean.
"What?" Dean asks. He was so focused on staying focused, watching the house, that he almost forgot about his brother.
"After all these years, we're finally here. It doesn't seem real." Sam says, kind of distant.
Dean looks over at his brother. He feels the same way, but Sam always had a easier time expression his thoughts out-loud. So maybe Sam deserves to get some things off his chest. The last year hasn't been a walk in the park for him either, so why is he being such a dick.
"We just got to keep our heads and do our job like always." Dean replies.
"Yeah, but this isn't like always." Sam says, surprised that Dean didn't shut the conversation down.
"True." Dean mumbles, and turns to look at the house again.
"Dean...uh..." Sam doesn't know how to say this, but he wants his brother to stick with the conversation.
Dean turns to look at Sam, and that's when Sam continues. "I wanna thank you."
"For what?" Dean asks, confused.
"For everything. You've always had my back, you know? Even when I couldn't count on anyone, I couldn't count on anymore, I could always count on you. And now...I don't know, I just wanted to let you know...just in case." Sam says, knowing that he really shouldn't say that. He knows how much losing someone else would destroy his brother right now. But at the same time...if he doesn't say it and something happened...
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you kiddin' me?" Dean says, getting upset.
"What?" Sam asks, not expecting this from his brother.
"Don't say, "Just in case something happens to you", I don't wanna hear that feakin' speech, man. Nobody's dying tonight. Not us, not that family, nobody...except that demon. That evil son of a bitch ain't gettin' any older than tonight, you undersand me?" Dean asks.
Sam is surprised by the determination and fire in his brother's eyes, it's something that he's missed. He hasn't seen this side of his brother in so long. So all Sam can do is nod, and Dean goes back to looking at the house.
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Dean knew his brother was pissed, but luckily he didn't say a word on the drive back to the motel. All Dean cares about is that they are safe, and that family is safe. Sure, the Demon's still alive, but it's better than the alternative. There was no way Dean was going to let his baby brother sacrifice himself for this thing, not matter how much he wanted to at the time.
For Sam, it's like all intelligence went out the window. He knew that if he died it would destroy his brother. But he was so determined to end this that he completely forgot about everything his brother is going through. All he could think about was his own pain, the pain of never knowing his mother and the pain of losing the love of his life. Even after everything was done, Sam couldn't get his head right, he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he failed. That this isn't over. So he says nothing.
Now the boys are back at their motel room, and Dean is feeling a familiar panic rising in his chest. The last time he felt this, he cut open his shoulder, but he was alone, so he shouldn't have that problem now.
Sam sits on the bed, still clearly pissed off. Dean passes the room, trying John's number again.
"Come on, Dad. Answer your phone, damn it." Dean shouts, as he hangs up the phone.
Dean stops pacing to face his brother. "Something's wrong."
Dean hates the weakness in his voice, but he can't shake the bad feeling he has. But again, Sam just says nothing. Too pissed off. He doesn't want to say something he'll only regret. It's been getting so good with his brother, building the trust, and breaking down the walls. He doesn't want to mess all that up.
"You hear me? Something's happened." Dean says, trying to sound strong.
"If you had just let me go in there, I could have ended all this." Sam says, holding back the rage. He's been ignoring his issues for so long, because he wanted to be there for his brother. But now...he couldn't do it anymore. This was too much for him, he needs to vent.
"Sam, the only thing you would have ended was your life." Dean exclaims, not wanting to have this conversation. He's seen this attitude too much from their father, and he never wanted to see it in his brother. He wants this to be over too, but there was something stronger pushing at his father and brother.
"You don't know that." Sam says, trying hard to suppress the many emotions that are running through his body.
"So, what, you're just willing to sacrifice yourself, is that it?" Dean asks, even though he's pretty sure he already knows the answer. It makes him sick.
"Yeah. Yeah, you're damn right I am." Sam states as he stands up off the bed. He knows he's not completely thinking clearly, but he really doesn't care at this point.
"Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen...not as long as I'm around." Dean replies, standing his ground. He knows this conversation is going to get ugly, fast.
"What the hell are you talkin' about, Dean? We've been searching for this demon our whole lives. It's the only thing we've ever cared about." Sam says, voice getting louder. Emotions seeping through.
"Sam, I wanna waste it. I do, okay? But it's not worth dying over." Dean says, feeling his walls start to crack and break.
"What?" Sam asks, confused.
"I mean it. If huntin' this demon means you getting yourself killed, then I hope we never find the damn thing." Dean states. He's never admit this out-loud, he's always just fallen in line. Knowing how important this was to his father. But now that his little brother has become just as obsessed, he can't stay silent anymore.
"That thing killed Jess. That thing killed Mom." Sam states, surprisingly calm.
Dean takes a breath, knowing these words aren't the right ones for this moment. It wasn't too long ago this conversation seemed to be reversed. But he continues anyways.
"You said yourself once...that no matter what we do, they're gone. And they're never comin' back." Dean says softly, getting himself prepare.
Sam doesn't waste anytime, barely thinking before he moves. He grabs Dean by the shirt and pins him up against the wall. His anger no longer in place.
"Don't you say that! Don't you...not after all this, don't you say that!" Sam shouts. Tears welling up in his eyes.
"Sammy, look...the three of us...that's all we have. And that's all I have. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding it together, man." Dean says, his voice filled with emotions.
Sam tries so hard to keep his tears at bay. This is exactly how he's wanted his brother to be for so long, open and honest. But it couldn't be at the worst time. Sam feels like he's drowning in pain, grief and anger. He wants to have this conversation so badly, but at the same time he doesn't, and it's killing him. So he gently lets go of his brother, but he doesn't back off.
"Without you and Dad..." Dean continues, tears welling up in his eyes.
Sam turns away from Dean, unable to continue. The conversation really does feel reversed, on both parts. Sam wants to change the subject so badly, because he feels like if he doesn't, he'll breakdown. He somewhat feels like a hypocrite, but he doesn't care in this moment.
"Dad..." Sam says softly.
Both brothers remain silent for a moment. Both trying so hard to pull their emotions back. Sam wipes a hand over his face before turning to face his brother. Dean, however, hasn't moved at all. He's still up against the wall, tears in his eyes that he refuses to let fall.
"He should have called by now. Try him again." Sam says, with determination.
Dean clears his throat, and wipes a hand over his face. Sam's heart feels like it's dying, this is something he's wanted for so long. A talk with his older brother. But now that the opportunity has presented itself, he can't run fast enough. So he lets Dean build up his walls again, hoping that soon they can be in a better situation to have this conversation again.
Dean opens his phone again, and dials. Sam notices the moment his brother's face changes. Dean's face almost pales, and his eyes widen at the voice on the other end of the phone. So Sam knows something really bad happened.
"You boys really screwed up this time." Meg voice comes through the phone.
"Where is he?" Dean states, holding onto his rage at Meg.
"You're never gonna see your father again." Meg says, before hanging up.
Dean just stands there, shocked. And then the phone spills out of his hand, and falls to the floor.
"Dean?" Sam asks, not wanted to panic. Knowing that at least one of them has to be strong at all times. They both can't freak out. And by the look on Dean's face, he's either about to get very pissed off, or have a panic attack. Sam's not sure what he'd prefer.
Dean's breathing starts to become fast and heavy, and Sam knows they are nearly a panic attack. Sam hates seeing his brother like this. He never thought he'd see his brother have a panic attack, but that was then...
"They've got Dad." Dean forces out, as he collapses onto the bed behind him. Tears well up in his eyes, and he tries to focus on the rage inside him, instead of the pain and panic.
"Meg?" Sam asks, trying not to bring attention to the obvious. Praying his brother will pull through.
Dean can only nod. He's having a hard time breathing, but he's focusing on grabbing all his walls and forcing them back in place as quickly as possible. He needs to be in big brother, soldier mode.
"What'd she say?" Sam asks.
"I just told you, Sammy." Dean says, pulling on his rage. He wipes his eyes, trying to calm himself down.
"Okay...okay." Dean gets up, frantic. He grabs the Colt from the table and puts it in his back pocket. He them moves to the bed and grabs his duffel bag. Moving frantically, trying to stay focus.
"What are you doing, Dean?" Sam asks. Maybe they do need a talk. He can't have his brother frantic, and panicked.
"We gotta go." Dean says quickly.
"Why?" Sam asks. They can't run into something like this, completely unprepared. Completely reckless.
"Because the demon knows we're in Salvation, all right? It knows we've got the Colt, it's got Dad, it's probably comin' for us next." Dean says quickly, as he pulls on his coat.
"Good. We've still got three bullets left. Let it come." Sam says, still a little angry.
"Listen, though guy, we're not ready! We don't know how many of 'em are out there. Now, we're no good to anybody dead. We're leaving. Now." Dean states, he then makes his way to the door.
"Dean, stop. You need to stop. This isn't going to help anybody either okay. We both need to stop." Sam says, trying to calm himself down as well.
"We don't have time for this crap Sam. So grab your shit, we're going." Dean yells, as he pulls away from his brother. He doesn't wait for a response, as he storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
Sam takes a deep breath. He quickly grabs his stuff and follows his brother out of the motel.
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Dean is speeding down the highway, no idea where he's going. He can't think. Where is he going? What is he doing? So, his panic starts to rise again. He can't breath. He starts to shake.
Sam notices that the car is slowly down slightly, which snaps his out of his own thoughts. He looks over at his brother. Dean looks a little pale, and is slightly shaking.
"Dean?" Sam ask cautiously.
They've been driving non-stop for the past five hours, neither of them saying a word. Neither of them bringing up the fact that they have no idea where they are going. Dean just wanted to get as far away from Salvation as possible.
"Dean?" Sam asks again, a little louder.
"What?" Dean says, briefly looking over at his brother before focusing on the road again. He knows he's screwed. The last fives hours, he's spent that whole time in his head. He's surprised he's survived this long.
"I think you should pull over, let me drive for a bit." Sam says, not wanting to upset his brother. Needed everything to remain calm. At least while they are still driving.
"I'm fine." Dean says, emotionless.
"You're not fine. Please, just...pull over the car." Sam replies. He's never seen his brother like this. Sure, it wasn't a pleasant sight, the look on his brother's face as he re-counted the day spent in foster car. But this, this was something different. Or everything put together.
"Can't stop. Need to find Dad. Nothing else matters until we find Dad." Dean says, still detached. Tears start to build in his eyes, but he doesn't even realize it. Sam does though.
"I want to find Dad too, alright. And I'm sorry for being...we'll...I'm just sorry. But do you even know where we're going?" Sam asks.
"We'll go to Lincoln. Last place we know Dad was." Dean says, not even knowing where they are now.
"Dean, first off, do you really think the demons would keep him there if he's still alive..." Sam starts, getting cut off by Dean.
"Shut up Sam, he's not dead. He can't be dead." Dean says, feeling everything crumple away.
"I know, okay. I'm just...we're not even heading in the right direction to hit Lincoln." Sam says sharply. Not wanted to be pushy with his brother at this moment, but he needs his brother to stop driving.
"Fuck." Dean curses under his breath.
Dean slowly pulls the car over to the side of the highway. Dean then rests his head on the steering wheel, trying to his from his brother. The highway is pretty dead, it being so early in the morning. The sun should be coming up soon, that's how long they've been driving.
Sam just looks at his brother, waiting for him to say something or do something. His brother looks like he's going to be sick, or scream at him, or breakdown.
"I'm sorry." Dean mumbles, face still resting on the steering wheel.
"Dean, I didn't...you don't have to apologize. Let's just, make a plan before we start driving all over the place. And I really think I should drive for a bit, you look..." Sam trails off, not really sure how to describe how his brother looks.
"I look like what?" Dean asks, raising his head off the steering wheel.
Alright, looks like we're going with anger. Sam's not sure this is what he wants, but prepares himself for the conversation turn non-the-less.
"Dean, we've been up since dawn, stressing over everything. Now Dad's...I donno. And you've been driving for almost five hours now, non-stop. It's going to be day light soon, and I don't...we're not going to help anyone like this." Sam says, calmly.
"Fuck you Sam. I know what I'm doing. I can do this. I'm not some broken little soldier, who's too emotionally strung out to do it's job." Dean snaps.
"I didn't say that. What are you talking about? I never said that." Sam says quickly, trying to defend himself.
"You don't have to." Dean snarls as he gets out of the car, slamming the door behind him.
"Great." Sam says as he too gets out of the car.
Dean walks around the car, determined to stop talking. He's upset, and knows he can only hang onto the anger for so long. He doesn't want to yell at his brother, not now, but it's better than the alternative. So fine, he'll let his brother drive.
Sam can tell that Dean just wants to shut everything out, but Sam can't let that happen. Even if this conversation becomes physically painful, Sam is going to push through. Screw pulling back and giving his brother space. It's not helping right now.
"Here." Dean gives Sam the keys. "Let's go."
Sam just stays still, leaning against the passenger door. He thought it would be harder to get the keys from his brother, but, apparently Dean just wants to hit the road as quickly as possible.
"Move Sam." Dean snaps. If Sam doesn't move soon, Dean's going to freak.
"And where are we going? What are we doing?" Sam asks calmly.
"I don't care, you're driving now anyways. You figure it out." Dean replies, the anger only rising, trying to cover up all the other emotions that Dean doesn't want to let out.
"Come Dean, this is ridiculous." Sam states.
"Ridiculous. Well that's just fantastic Sam, and so very helpful. Now move your ass, before I move it for you." Dean says, getting closer to his brother.
"You're really going to hit me? Would that make you feel better? Because if that's what it takes to get you to just calm down and think rationally then, go ahead. Hit me." Sam says, keeping his cool.
"What? I'm not going to fucking hit you." Dean says, feeling the anger slowly vacating his body. But he fights so hard to hold onto it.
"Why not?" Sam replies coldly. He knows it's a bad thing, to push his brother's buttons like this. But Sam can't think of any other way.
"Move Sam." Dean yells, as he grabs onto his brother in an attempt to pull him out of the way. If he can only get the passenger door clear, he can get into the car, and this would be over.
"No." Sam says, as he stands his ground.
Dean's strength seems to be tied to his emotions right now, so he can't pull his brother away from the car. Dean feels like he's spinning out of control, so he turns away from his brother.
"Fuck!" Dean curses under his breath.
Sam barely hears his brother, but he can see the shaking starting in his body.
"Dean..." Sam doens't know what to say, but he knows he doesn't want his brother to experience another panic attack. He's never had one himself, but he can't imagine them being pleasant.
"FFUUUUUUUCK!!" Dean yells at the top of his lungs.
Sam is shocked, he doesn't know what to say. He's not sure if this is a good, or a bad thing. He have no idea what he's brother is going to look like when he turns around, if he's going to be angry or broken.
"Dean...?" Sam starts again, but still not sure what else to say.
"What do you want Sammy." Dean says brokenly, his back still to his brother.
"I want us to have a plan at least, something. And I don't want you to run yourself into the ground. I know you're not going to talk about it, so saying that I want you to talk to me seems like a pointless thing to say at the moment, but it's still the truth. I'm still here Dean, I haven't left. Can't you see that. There's nothing you can say that's going to get me to leave you here on the side of the road." Sam says, feeling his eyes tear up. He's felt his emotions being put through a roller-coaster lately as well, and he really doesn't want to cry; just like he knows his brother doesn't want to have this conversation. But Sam's willing to rip out his emotions if it means helping out his brother.
Dean slowly turns to face his brother, tears filling his eyes, desperately pushing for freedom. Dean really doesn't want to cry, but it seems like his brother has other plans. He wants to be mad at him, but the look on Sam's face nearly pushes him over that edge.
"What do you want me to say?" Dean asks, the slight movement his his face allowing some tears to make it down his face.
"Anything. I hate this. So much, you have no idea. I want to find Dad too, I do. And I'm so sick of everything we've lost. But you...god, you know I'd talk to you. I do, even when I know I shouldn't because you'd tease me about making a girly moment. But damn it Dean, why can't you just....anything!" Sam says, practically yelling his last word.
Dean wipes away the tears. His hands are shaking and he feels like he could break into sobs any second. Which he really doesn't want to do. He can't lock himself in the bathroom this time. His brother is really forcing this conversation, and Dean feels like he can't breath.
"Come on Sammy, don't do this to me. Not now. Let's just hit the road." Dean says, desperately trying to hold his emotions in.
"And where are we going? We can't do this Dean. You need to get this out. Whatever it is that's...I don't know what to do anymore Dean. I'm not asking you to tell me everything I've missed when I was too young to remember them, or when I was away at Stanford. And I'm definitely not asking you to talk about the...you know, because I know that's too soon. Especially after the conversation we had a couple nights ago." Sam says softly.
"Why are you doing this to me? Is this fun for you? See how many times you ca get your big brother to break down into tears? Is it?" Dean asks, trying to bring the anger back.
"No, of course not. I hate this, all of this. I hate the silence, and I these conversations. I'm sure you think other wise. But I hate it all. I hate this life. I hate what we've lost, and I'm not only talking about the people." Sam says as he wipes the tears off his face.
If Dean were himself, or if he were in the state to make jokes, he would totally rag on the fact that two big guys are on the side of the road, crying like little girls. But Dean doesn't say anything of the sort, which make Sam want to cry that much harder.
"I can't Sam. I can't say what you want me to say. It's not going to help. It's not going to suddenly make me think clearer. It's only going to make everything harder. We need to find dad." Dean says, feeling like he's losing the batter.
"Okay, then where are we going? What are we going to do? If you can't do this, fine, but we need a plan. We can't just go in like this. If you think you can pull yourself together, than fine, do it." Sam says, a little too sharply.
"Screw you Sam. You think I like this. You think I like being like this. And there's no one to blame but me. I'm so fucking stupid." Dean says, as more tears run down his face. He turns his back to his brother again.
"Dean, you really got to stop this. I wasn't there, I have no idea what happened to you. And I'm sure what's happening right now with Dad really isn't helping any. But I know you, and I know it wasn't your fault despite what you're telling yourself. You're not going to be any help to anyone if you keep all this bottle up, if you let it destroy you." Sam states, keeping his cool. Knowing he's been a little harsh, and a little forcefully, but it's what needs to be done.
Dean is shaking, tears running down his face. He feels the panic rising but he refuses to let it beat him tonight. He needs to focus. Needs to find his dad. But all he can focus on are bad feelings and bad memories. Feelings of failure. What if he can't get his dad back? What if he gets him killed?
"Sammy...please, we need...we gotta find dad." Dean chokes, barely getting the words out through the tears.
Sam feels the tears trying to push through Sam's defenses. Sure, Sam isn't as opposed to showing his emotions as Dean is. But he can't cry now.
"Dean, please, just...would you just look at him. Turning your back on me isn't going to change anything. We're in the middle of nowhere, there's no running away this time." Sam says.
"Yeah, thanks for that, by the way." Dean snaps, as he furiously tries to wipe away his tears but they just keep falling.
"I didn't do this to punish you Dean." Sam says sadly.
Dean just lets out a laugh, one that's not filled with any joy or amusement. Just filled with pain. He takes a deep breath before turning to face his brother.
It hurts to see his brother like that. Tears running down his face. Sam just wants to pull him into a nice big hug, and takes all his pain away. If that would only work. So even though it hurts Sam, he continues on.
"Look, we just need help. We can't do this on our own." Sam says sadly.
"You can just drop me off somewhere, I don't mind. I agree it's for the best. I'll probably just get everyone killed." Dean says sadly, avoiding Sam's stare.
"What are you talking about Dean? I'm not leaving you anywhere." Sam replies, confused and hurt.
"I'm a liability Sam. I'm too...messed up. I can't do this." Dean says, getting angry. The tears continuing down his face, only making him more ashamed and upset.
"No, Dean, stop. You're no a liability. Emotions aren't a weakness, alright. You're not a better person when you shut the world out and build up concrete walls." Sam states.
Dean just shakes his head and turns away from his brother again, not knowing what to do. So Dean starts walking away, down the highway, away from his car and his brother.
"Dean! Stop!" Sam yells as he runs up to his brother and grabs him by the shoulder.
"Fuck off!" Dean shouts, as he turns around, pushing his brother away.
Sam puts his hands up, like a surrender stance. He doesn't want his brother to feel too locked in. And Sam is surprised when Dean doesn't continue his walk down the highway. But the anger in his brother's eyes stay in place.
"Fuck you! I...I was fine. I had a system. I had a way of dealing with the fucked up things we see every day. A way of dealing with everybody we lose. Everyone that we witness getting sucked into this crap of a world, that they should never have to know about. But you...you're just tearing it down. Why?" Dean yells.
"Because it's destructive Dean. It's not a way of dealing with anything. It's only ignoring the problem Dean, I'm sorry." Sam replies, sadly.
"And what's my problem, huh Sam? What's my damage? Come on, Sam. This is the conversation you've been dying for. Come on!" Dean shouts as he pushes his brother.
Sam stumbles backwards, but keeps his footing. If this is what his brother needs, then fine.
"Tell me! What the fuck is wrong with me!" Dean continues to yell, as he pushes his brother again.
This time, however, Sam grabs onto Dean's wrists. Knowing it's a bad idea to constrict his brother. But he really doesn't want to end up on his ass.
"Let me go. Fuck off! Let me go!" Dean screams as he pulls away from his brother.
From the force of the pull, Dean stumbles backwards and loses his footing. Dean falls to the ground. Sam moves quickly, and rushes to his brother's side.
"Are you okay?" Sam asks.
"No I'm not okay, fuck!" Dean says, angry, as he pushes himself off the ground.
"Are you hurt?" Sam asks. Hoping that Dean's response wasn't just a confession about scrapping a knee or something.
"I didn't hurt myself, I'm fine." Dean says as he wipes the dirt from his pants.
"I'm sorry." Sam says softly.
"Don't fucking say that to me Sam, you didn't do anything. I did. I let myself get in this fucked up situation." Dean says, voice still filled with anger.
Sam knows the anger is only a front, trying to mask all the other emotions that are trying to push through. He knows how much his brother hates that he's crying right now. Even though the tears have slowed down since the fall.
"I'm the one that couldn't fight them off! I'm the one that let them rape me!" Dean shouts.
Both brother just stand there, and Sam sees it. Dean's face instantly falls, paling, as the anger rushes out of his body and is replaced by something else. Grief, pain, humility, and so many other negative emotions. This is the first time he's admitted what happened to him out loud. And he didn't mean to, he was just so angry. It just slipped out.
"Dean..." Sam takes a step towards his brother, but Dean takes a step back.
"Don't." Dean warns, his voice no longer strong and filled with rage.
Dean feels all the memories rush him at once. All the laughter, the pain, the hands. He never allowed himself to see all that happened that night. He never could make it through without getting sick. But now, part that he thought he erased from his memory, forced their way to the surface. The other two, larger men getting there turn. The pain, and the blood in places Dean never wanted to experience it in.
Dean begins to shake, and his breathing starts to come out in short painful gasps. Tears start pouring down his face, but he still suppresses the need to fulling breakdown. He's clinging so desperately to it. He can't breakdown, not now. Not in front of his little brother.
"Fuck. Sammy...please." Dean says, as he collapses onto the grass below.
He feels like he's going to be sick, but he forces the nausea away. His vision is blurred due to the tears, but he knows his brother is now knelt next to him.
"Dean, it's going to alright. Um...I don't...I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry. I...no one should be forced to go through that." Sam says softly, tears running down his face as well.
Dean bends over, putting his head to his knees, and covering his face also with his hands. The shaking only gets worse as he continues to deny the sobs that are pressing against his chest. He almost can't feel Sam's hand on his back, rubbing comforting circles.
"You know I'm here, if you want to talk about it. But if you still need time, I completely understand. I'm sorry I pushed you tonight. I just didn't want you running yourself into the ground. Okay?" Sam says as he wipes the tears from his face.
Sam doesn't know if his brother heard him, but after a moment Dean nods. Dean keeps his face down though for the next few minutes. Trying to get his emotions back behind those walls.
"Hey, why don't we head over to Bobby's? Maybe he's heard something. Or at least can help us out a bit." Sam says, as he continues to rub circles on his brother's back. He knows he should ask more, about the looming topic. But their father is still missing. And he knows the best thing for Dean right now is to stay focused.
Dean slowly pulls himself off the ground, shrugging off his brother's touch. Sam follows.
"Sorry." Dean mumbles as he wipes the tears from his face. His eyes are bloodshot from all the crying. And his voice is hoarse from trying so hard to be completely break.
"It's okay." Sam says, giving his brother a reassuring smile. But he knows Dean can see the underlining concern.
"Bobby is probably our best bet right now. Don't know if he'll be too happy to see me though." Dean says with a laugh. Mentally thanking his brother for the subject change.
"Why?" Sam asks. Hating that these conversations always need an escape route. But also knowing that his brother can't get everything out at once. Small steps.
"You know Dad. They kind of had a disagreement. We got his help on a hunt while you were at stanford. And Dad...well, let's just say it got so bad that Bobby actually threatened Dad with a shotgun." Dean says, with a smile. Still wiping the tears from his face.
Sam smiles. Their father always had a way with people.
"Alright. Bobby's is a good couple hours from here. If you think you can do it. We should be able to make it there by lunch time." Dean says as he walks towards the car.
They both get into the car. Sam getting into the drivers seat.
"Dean. You did hear me back there right? That I'm not going anyway. That I'm still here, if you ever want to talk about it." Sam says, holding the keys in his hand.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. But give me a couple days alright. These things are draining. I think I'm need a nap." Dean replies, as he gets comfy in his seat.
Sam smiles and shakes his head. Sure, it may all be an act. But Sam really doesn't mind getting glimpses of the real Dean every now and then.
"Alright, you sleep. I'll wake you when we get close to Bobby's." Sam replies.
"Sounds like a plan." Dean says, as he closes his eyes.
Dean knows that there's no real hope for any rest right now. He'll probably spend the whole trip just staring out the window. He is tired, but his mind still likes to plague him with nightmares. And with the additional moments he got only kodak fragments of, he doesn't want to allow his brain the opportunity to replay the entire event. Especially not in the car with his brother.
So Dean turns to his side, opening his eyes to stare at the trees whipping by the car. Sure, sleep would really help, get rested, think clearly. But a nightmare filled nap would only make things worst.
They need to find their dad. Alive.
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Sorry for the delay. Hope to get the next chapter up Monday, if not Tuesday. But worried about tackling Devil's Trap. Going to be a bigger emotional roller-coaster than this one.
Hoped you all enjoyed the chapter. It was tough to write. REVIEWS are highly appreciated. Thanks!