I've long given up on making promises to others. I've found out the hard way that apart from minor commitments, promising to buy more biscuits, or to replace another broken mug, or remember an arrangement etc., I just can't keep to my word. It's not that I don't want to; more that it literally can't be done. How do you keep your word when telling someone we will love each other forever, when you know that for you, forever actually is forever? That's what I promised Estelle, and look how that ended. You can't promise any of your friends and colleagues a safe and happy future because, with Torchwood, they barely have a future. Yet knowing all of this, I really thought that the promise I had made to myself would be one that I could keep.
After everything with Lisa, I had sworn that I was never going to let Ianto Jones get hurt like that again. No claims were made to try and keep him safe, or physically unharmed or even alive – I just needed to make damn well sure that he was never put through such emotional trauma ever again.
But I just had to take him out on that trip to the Brecon Beacons; I just had to pick that to be his first big scale Torchwood mission. At the time I thought I was doing him a favour; before when we'd been out on Weevil hunts together, he'd seemed more relaxed and managed to distance his mind from the scarring memories which plagued him. I had though, hey why not go the whole hog and see if he can completely forget for a while? I thought I was helping, doing him a favour. I couldn't have been more wrong.
The worst part is that what's happened to him that has caused him to become so shaken once again and will no doubt keep him awake at night for months, cannot even be blamed on aliens. It was human beings, human beings who have terrified the poor man, and Tosh and Gwen and Owen too, into this state.
I can't believe that only a few days ago I was focusing on such petty little things. How I thought that Ianto was ignoring me, how he seemed to respond quite happily to my comments about his lack of suit, how Owen wouldn't stop bickering for the entire journey, how annoyed I was at Gwen for bringing up that stupid snogging game, and how Ianto didn't admit to (or remember?) me being his last kiss… It all seems so trivial now. Now that the five of us have survived capture by cannibals.
Well, I say the five; it was primarily Toshiko and Ianto that bore the brunt of it all. I hate to think of them locked down in that cellar with god knows what for company. Every ten years, every ten bloody years, these monsters took people like this – every ten years for how long? How many lives have been lost because of these beasts, how many lives could I have saved? It was this thought, and the sight of my team captured and about to be cut up like nothing more than pounds of meat, which caused me to storm in with such determination. For once I just needed to say to hell with the Doctor and his anti-guns attitude. So I fired at will, not wanting to kill, but not caring if I did either. It was too late for me to prevent my friends from going through all of this trauma, but I could sure as hell stop it going any further.
When we arrived back at the hub, and after Owen had given everyone a once over, naturally I sent them all home. I wasn't as worried about how Gwen, Tosh and Owen would deal with it all; they've sadly become accustomed to days like these. Although this was a particularly brutal case, they know how to move on from here, how to process the experience and return tomorrow with it put out of their minds. Ianto however, was new to this. He hadn't experienced such violence and horror before Lisa's death, and had yet to recover from that, I was worried this might be the final straw for him, that he would want to leave Torchwood or worse… do something very, very stupid.
Despite having ordered everyone home, I wasn't surprised to see the man in question on the CCTV, still sat at the desk in the tourist office, raking his hands threw his hair desperately. I doubt he would leave until I absolutely forced him. I was just about to go down and try to get him to talk to me about it all, when I saw him heading up.
"I think I might be in need of that talk now Sir." He said to me, reading my mind. I walked him over to the sofa.
"I think you're right" I replied, trying to smile back at him reassuringly.
We just stood by the sofa for a few minutes, he seemed to be battling with something – many things - internally, trying to decide what to say and how to say it, or even whether to say anything at all. I tried to get him to sit down but he was just stood there, biting his lower lip and frowning as the battle of emotions continued in his head. Quite frankly I didn't know what to say either so, with the idea in mind that actions speak louder than words, I pulled him into a hug. He relaxed for just a second, sighing slightly, but then pulled away very rapidly. Suddenly the sofa seemed very appealing and he sat down eagerly.
Whilst sitting there, he told me everything, completely poured his heart and guts out. He seemed too nervous to make eye contact, but I wanted to connect with him right then, so I turned his chin slightly, forcing him to face me. I listened as he told me how much he still ached from the loss of Lisa, the recurring nightmares and the guilt he feels whenever he catches a glimpse of happiness. He apologised, yet again for what he did, how he deeply regretted endangering the team, despite the fact that I, we, had all forgiven him. How he couldn't stand the thought of one of us having died because of him, and how he hated that he hadn't kept his promises to Lisa. I could relate very well with that last part.
A tear rolled down his cheek at that point, and it made me almost want to cry myself. I hated that he was feeling like this, hated that my bringing him out to Brecon had brought everything to a head. But this wasn't about me, so, I wiped away a tear from his cheek.
"And these last few days" He continued, "Being held hostage by those monstrous people, surrounded by such horrors, all the death and suffering. On top of everything else it has just made me feel numb, there is such evil in this world that I never thought I would have to endure, and I almost can't bear it." He finished, properly sobbing now, a sight which made my guts ache, and at a volume so low that his words were barely audible – but I made sure to listen carefully.
I looked him right in the eyes and offered him a solution: "I can make it all go away if that's what you want?" Retcon. I could made all of his bad memories and heart ache gone in the space of time it takes to swallow a small pill and fall asleep. Of course, it wasn't what I wanted at all, but if things were so bad that he needed to start again, then I would do it.
"No." He replied, quite firmly, his tears just about gone now. "I don't want to forget all of the wonderful times too, the good times make that bad ones worthwhile." I sighed contentedly as relief washed over me – I'm not too sure why but I can't stand the thought of losing him.
"Good because I don't want to lose you Ianto". I admitted. "You must never feel like you are alone, I am always here for you to talk to. Right now, I think the best, and perhaps the only thing, you can do to make things better is to get some distance. Take some time off, there is a lot of death and violence tied up with Torchwood, but there is also so much wonder and goodness. It may take a while before you can see it again, but it's there." I finished, smiling broadly.
I almost can't believe what happened next. There was a strange sense of rising pressure and temperature and adrenaline in the room, and it felt like suddenly our bodied were oppositely charged magnets being drawn fractionally closer together. I've already admitted that I haven't been able to get the thought of sleeping with my favourite and hottest Welshman out of my mind. But I'd never genuinely thought anything might happen. And never did I think that, if something did occur, that he would be the one to start it! But, don't get me wrong, I was more than happy – if a little shocked – to find his mouth suddenly on mine. I didn't hesitate in kissing him back.
After a far too short amount of time, he pulled away just as suddenly, apologised and ran away.
After last night, I had genuinely thought that Ianto wouldn't come into work this morning a) because I had suggested that he take some time off and get away from all the memories for a bit and b) because of this kiss. So it was rather unexpected to see him sneaking in at around 6.30 before the others had arrives, and heading straight down to the archives. Perhaps he couldn't face spending time alone at home with nothing to do, after all solitude gives you plenty of time to think. Either way, I expect that's where he'll set up camp for the day and I don't plan to disturb him unless there's an emergency, I don't want to crowd him too much after what's happened – he's clearly feeling confused about everything.
By 6.00 pm this evening I had given up, and decided that I should go down and talk to him, try to get this all sorted out. After all, ignoring something won't make it disappear.
"I told you to take some time off" I remarked grinning as I usually would to give a sense of normality.
"Needed something to take my mind off everything Sir" He replied, confirming my suspicions and not quite meeting my eyes.
"All the same, you've been through a lot, at least leave on time today, and don't pull one of your classic midnighters" I said, still trying to keep the tone light, but I could see it wasn't working. "Ianto, will you please look at me" I requested, pleadingly. "I get the feeling you're avoiding me. And if this is about what happened last night then please talk to me about it." I said, sounding serious now.
A moment of silence passed, I could tell he was thinking about what to reply with, I could feel pure confusion radiating out from him.
"Ianto, we can make as much or as little a deal of what happened last night as you want. If you want to pretend that nothing happened then we can forget that it did." I said, though I really didn't want to forget it, it had been one hell of a kiss and he looked so good in that suit… And, I really did want to comfort him somehow.
"No, that's not what I want, I just… I … I'm so confused Sir" He said, managing to meet my eyes now. I felt somewhat relieved.
I placed my hand on his shoulder as I spoke: "It's ok to be confused, you've been through an awful lot recently, and I gather all of this… is relatively new to you" I felt silly saying it, since when was attraction new to anyone? But you have to remember what Century you're dealing with.
"My thoughts are just so scattered lately, and I don't know right from wrong anymore, I think I still love Lisa, but then there's you… And the way you make me feel when you talk to me like I'm the only one in the room, or you're stood so closely to me that I can feel your breath… And it scares me just a little, how chaotic all these thoughts are. But I think, even though I am not sure, that I know what I want." He said, bravely. I think I understood what he was saying, basically he thinks I'm hot and wants to take things further but is feeling hung up on, and guilty, about his dead Cyberwoman girlfriend – I can deal with that, not complicated at all. But, things here never are easy; he's feeling such a mixture of emotions right now, and I don't plan on pressurising him.
"Well, if what you want is what I think you want, then I think I want what you think you want to" I replied with a wink, returning the conversation to a lighter tone, he laughed.
"I just don't think I am ready yet, I need more time." He said nervously.
"Ianto Jones, for you I can wait all the time in the world" I answered smiling, after all, I could afford to offer that and it wasn't as if I hadn't already been waiting since the day I set eyes on that gorgeous man.
He seemed reassures, if still a little uncomfortable with it all. He seemed unsure of the next move to make and opted for a safe and classic Ianto:
"Would you like a cup of coffee Sir?"