"Sloppy babies!" Sue boomed into her megaphone. "If the next performance of this routine isn't absolute perfection, I will have each and every one of you charged with crimes that will get you sent to Guantanamo Bay!"
To Blaine's left, Santana released a huff of annoyed air. "It's all this idiot right here," she said, pointing at him. "He fucks up in the third quarter, and it throws everybody else off for the rest of the routine."
Blaine blushed guiltily because he knew it was true. It just so happened that at a certain part in the dance, Kurt bends over at the same time as Blaine is walking behind him, and his brain always turned to sludge from there.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Sorry doesn't win me Nationals trophies, Hobbit! If you continue this deplorable behaviour, I'm going to have force you to wear a dunce cap whenever you're not cheering."
"Blaine, I- I'm going to have to bedazzle that cap."
He sighed, adjusting the white coned cap on his head. "At least I'm taller now, right?"
"I still can't believe she was serious," Kurt said, frowning at him apologetically. "Come over to my house after school and I'll help you with the part you keep screwing up, okay?"
He nodded just as Azimio and Karofsky blocked their way in the hallway.
"It's like you want us to beat you up," Karofsky laughed, flicking Blaine's ostentatious cap.
"If you hadn't noticed, we're Cheerios now," Kurt said, crossing his arms over his chest intimidatingly.
"Yeah, congrats on your gayness."
"What he means is that Coach Sylvester isn't going to stand for you harassing the newest additions of her team," Blaine said, smirking smugly despite the ridiculous hat he was wearing.
"You think we're scared of Sue?" Azimio scoffed, though his eyes shifted nervously.
"I think you should be," Kurt laughed, looking pointedly down the hall to where Sue was roaring like a dinosaur in some kid's face for stepping on her heel.
The footballers glared at them before stomping off.
"It worked," Kurt said breathlessly.
"Huzzah!" They high-fived and laughed in relief.
"Okay, I have to go work on a project with Mercedes, but I'll see you later," Kurt grinned, putting a hand on his arm before sashaying away.
Blaine watched him go until he noticed someone staring at him.
"Someone's got it bad," Santana crowed.
Blaine's cheeks flamed and he turned away. "Leave me alone, Santana."
She laughed, skittering after him. "Come on, you're a Cheerio, now. That means you're allowed to talk to me about the guys you wanna boink."
"I don't-"
"And please don't insult my gaydar by insisting that you're straight. You were able to slip by unnoticed for a while, but as soon as you joined glee and started panting after Prancy Smurf it went off like crazy. Gay diddy gay gay." She flicked her fingers in front of his face like a flashing sign.
"Stop that." He slapped her hands away, annoyed.
She put a hand on her hip and leveled her gaze at him. "I've let your pathetic puppy dog eyes suffer long enough, Anderson. Your crush now has you fucking up the cheer routine, and as head Cheerio, I am taking it upon myself to remedy the problem. I'm coming over to your house after school and giving you Auntie Tana's crash course in seduction."
"No thanks."
"That wasn't an offer, dwarf. I'll be there at five."
"Hey Kurt-"
"Blaine-"
"What's up?" Blaine asked, getting books out of his locker. He needed to tell Kurt he wouldn't be able to come over after school because Santana was insisting on coming over. But he still didn't have a fake excuse for Santana's sudden interest, so he let Kurt speak first.
"Okay, so you know how my dad's been dating Carole for the last month or so?" Kurt began, looking a bit nervous for some reason.
"Yeah," he nodded. He'd met her once or twice in passing at Kurt's house. She was a really nice lady and Kurt had slowly but surely been bringing her wardrobe into the new millennium. "They're still going strong, right? Your dad seems to really like her."
"Yes, yeah they're good. Great even," he said, voice higher than normal. Blaine started to get suspicious of his apprehension. "She's actually um, in the process of moving into our house. With her son."
"Wow," Blaine said, brows raised. "They sure aren't messing around, are they? How old is her kid?"
"Our age," he said. He looked down at the strap of his satchel and mumbled, "It's Finn."
"What was that?" Blaine asked, tilting his head to hear him better. The dunce cap nearly fell off his head and he internally cursed Sue for the hundredth time that day.
"Carole is Finn's mom," Kurt said. Blaine stopped fiddling with the hat to stare at him. He added in a rush, "And I sort of introduced them at a parent-teacher night, because remember how I liked Finn? Yeah, I set our parents up like a month ago because I thought that would make Finn and I closer and the plan worked way too well because now we're going to have to share a room, and that's why I'm going to be redecorating by the way, and anyway yeah tonight we're all going to Breadstix to bond as a family so I can't help you with the cheer routine."
Blaine blinked, letting the mass of information settle in his brain. "Um, okay?"
"Okay?" Kurt breathed, eyes wide. "You're not mad?"
"What? About you blowing me off? It's no problem, we can do it some other time," he assured him, still not understanding his friend's distress.
"No I mean, about how I manipulated my father and Finn's mother into entering a relationship because I wanted Finn to like me," he finished with a mutter.
"Oh. No. It's well…" It was a totally Kurt thing to do. He did whatever it took to get what he wanted, even if it was unconventional and arguably nuts. "It happened. But I'm not gonna fight with you about Finn again, remember?"
He nodded quickly. "Yeah, that's why I didn't want to mention it. I introduced them before we had the fight, and I didn't tell you when I did because I knew how much you didn't like Finn."
"Yeah, I definitely would have tried to talk you out of it if you'd told me," Blaine agreed. "But what's done is done, right? And your dad and Carole seem really happy, so at least it turned out okay."
Kurt smiled in relief. "Right. Okay. Good. Thank you for understanding."
"Of course," he said, squeezing his shoulder in comfort. He paused, wanting to know if Kurt still had feelings for Finn, but not wanting to ask if the answer would be in the affirmative. He was pretty sure he'd been mooning over Finn less lately, but maybe he was just downplaying it in front of Blaine because he thought he'd get annoyed again.
He was about to bite the bullet and ask him, when the man himself jogged up and interrupted their conversation. "Hey Kurt, why are our parents- Wait, what the hell is on your head, dude?"
Kurt looked at Blaine and rolled his eyes. "I'll see you later."
He walked away with Finn, explaining the beauty of middle-age romance.
Santana showed up at his house at a quarter after five, brushing past him immediately and heading to the kitchen, leaving a smiling Brittany in his doorway. He hadn't been expecting her, and he didn't even want Santana here, but there wasn't much he could do to get rid of either of them.
"So Santana tells me you're a dolphin?" Brittany said as Blaine ushered her in politely.
"Sorry?" he asked, uncomprehending.
"Oh, don't be. I like dolphins much more than sharks," she said, smiling in that vague way she always did.
"Okey dokey," Santana called, walking back into the foyer with a banana in one hand and a square foil packet in the other. "Let's get this show on the road."
Blaine wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but a sex education lesson had definitely not been it.
"No," he said, staring at the yellow fruit in disbelief.
"You're lucky I'm not making you use yours," she replied, nodding at his crotch. Blaine instantly felt the urge to cover himself. He couldn't understand how so many guys had let Santana near their dick; she was scary. "Now get your ass in the living room."
Once they were all seated, Blaine tried to stop the madness. "If you only came over to show me how to use a condom, I'm going to have to disappoint you by telling you that the sex ed classes at my old school were obviously better than those at McKinley's, because I already know how to put one on. I also know how babies are made, a lesson that Finn obviously slept through."
Brittany rolled her eyes. "Everyone knows how babies are made. The stork brings them."
Blaine was going to pretend that she was kidding to focus on the matter at hand. "Furthermore, though I appreciate what you're trying to do, which I'm assuming is making me feel included on the squad, I do not need your help with boys."
"So you got a plan to get in Kurt's pants, then?" Santana asked, thankfully setting the banana and condom down on the coffee table.
Blaine slid them to the other end, away from her. "No, I don't want to-"
"Bull," Santana accused. "You could not stop salivating over him at practice today."
"No, I mean I don't want to 'get into his pants'. I just, I really like him, but he's also my best friend and I don't wanna mess-"
"Yawn," she interrupted. "That's so boring. And stupid. Sex doesn't ruin anything."
"Sex is so much fun!" Brittany enthused. "And you and Kurt would be so good at it. You're both really flexible and pretty."
"Thank you, Brittany," he said reluctantly. "But I'm not just gonna, like, have sex with him out of the blue. If we ever, somehow, got together it's not like we'd hop into bed immediately. I just want to make that clear."
"So just start dating then, oh my god," Santana groaned, throwing herself against the back of the couch. "Your hormones are stinking up every room you're in."
"When that happens to my cat we lock him out of the house," Brittany said quietly.
"Yeah, but how do you expect me to bring that up with him?" Blaine asked Santana.
She put her chin in her hand, thinking, and then suggested, " 'Damn boy, you're looking fine in that knee-length sweatshirt. Let's go on three obligatory dates and then fuck.' "
Blaine sighed. This conversation was exactly as helpful as he'd expected it to be.
"Don't talk to him about it," Brittany said. "Just start kissing him and if you both like it keep going. If not, then stop. It's what Santana did and it worked for us."
Blaine tilted his head in confusion. "What?"
"Seriously, you're making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be," Santana said, ignoring his question. "Just release some of that sexual tension so you can concentrate on the cheer routines instead of Hummel's ass. You look like an even bigger dork than usual wearing that fucking dunce cap on your head, and Coach will make you wear it until you stop screwing it up, so stop screwing up."
"I will, I promise," Blaine sighed.
"So you're gonna ask him out?"
"No."
"You're a disappointment."
And Blaine could tell she was ready to leave, but unfortunately that was when his father got home from work. He was about as excited to see two female cheerleaders in his living room as anybody had any right to be.
"Blaine," he smiled. "Would you like to introduce me to these lovely ladies?"
"Brittany and Santana," he muttered, pointing to each of them in turn. "They're on the cheer squad. Just like I am. And no, I'm not going to be having sex with either one of them."
"Then why is there a condom on the coffee table?"
Blaine's face went beet red and Santana smiled sweetly, even though Santana being sweet was about as genuine as the Devil offering a fair deal. "We were talking about boys," she said, ruffling Blaine's hair. He swatted at her and then she grimaced at her hand. "You need to lay off the gel, Hobbit."
"Would either of you ladies like to stay for dinner?" his father asked politely. Except it wasn't just out of politeness, because he had never once offered to let Kurt to stay for dinner. He always requested that he return home before they ate.
Blaine shook his head incredulously.
"No thanks. I still need to explain the Great Depression to Brittany so she doesn't fail history," Santana said, standing up.
"What was so great about it?" she mused.
"We can show ourselves out," Santana said to Blaine's dad, waving at Brittany to follow her. "Think about what I said, Blaine," she added as she walked out. "And then, follow my instructions to a T."
They left and his father looked at him expectantly.
"I'm going to my room," he said tightly, keeping all his frustrations bottled up before blasting music in his room alone.
It took Blaine about a second to figure out something was bothering Kurt the next day.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," he replied, too calmly. "Unless you count my father finding the straight, athletic son he's always wanted at dinner last night. A hint: It wasn't me."
Blaine empathised with him so hard. "What'd they talk about?"
"Sports," Kurt squeaked, leaning against his locker with a melancholy look on his face. "I can't compete with sports talk, Blaine. Unless my dad wants to learn about the safe way to construct a human pyramid."
"Did he at least notice how it was affecting you?" he asked.
He sighed. "Yeah. We talked about it after and he basically said to suck it up because he's had to pretend to care about all the stuff I like for years."
Blaine was pretty sure Mr. Hummel wouldn't have phrased it like that, but he understood where Kurt was coming from.
"So, I'm gonna have to break Carole and my dad up," Kurt said, determination creeping into his sad eyes.
"What? But Kurt, your dad's really happy-"
"It's either break them up or stick Finn in a dress to split the difference between us and I don't think he'll go for that," he snapped.
Blaine put his hands up in surrender. "Okay. How do you plan to do it?" This situation had the potential for a sitcom-esque failure of epic proportions, and Blaine hoped that Kurt had a fairly reasonable scheme in mind.
"I'm not sure. I'm gonna talk to Finn. I think he'll be open to helping with this. He doesn't want my dad replacing his dead father."
Blaine nodded. "If I can do anything to help…" he offered. Then he thought about what kind of plan Kurt might come up with and hastened to add, "Within reason."
Kurt gave him a small smile. "Thank you."
Due to both Kurt and Blaine's solemn moods, Blaine was finally able to get the routine down, which was good because it turned out that a writer from a cheerleading magazine was doing a piece on Coach Sylvester that day, and if Blaine had ruined that for her she would have shipped him to Peru. In pieces. Apparently Blaine had tuned her out the first time she mentioned it.
After the routine, they were in the locker room getting changed to go home.
"So, has that masterful brain come up with any plan to split your dad and Carole up yet?" Blaine asked, rubbing a towel through his wet hair. He still didn't think it was a very good idea, but he figured if Kurt broke them up, then they weren't meant to be anyway.
"If you put on some pants, I'll be able to hear you," Kurt replied mildly, fixing his hair in the mirror.
Blaine rolled his eyes, pulling his jeans on over his underwear. Throughout both football and Cheerios, Kurt had always been very modest, waiting until all the other guys had left the room to shower and change after practice. He was slightly more relaxed in Cheerios since it was only Blaine in the locker room, but he still didn't prance around naked, nor did he let Blaine.
Not that Blaine would have, but he had no qualms with standing around in his boxer briefs while he sorted out the rest of his clothes in his locker or dried his hair. But Kurt always refused to look at him until he was fully dressed.
"So?" Blaine asked expectantly. He tugged his tank top on over his head. "Anything brilliant?"
"I could sneak into the Hudson house," Kurt began, turning to face him.
"Sounds promising," he said dryly.
"And leave boxers strategically placed somewhere, and my dad will think Carole's been cheating."
"He'll think they're Finn's," Blaine corrected. "Also, I've seen that episode of The Simpson's."
Kurt grunted, not admitting to getting inspiration from cartoons. "We can make it look like Carole's been stealing from my dad!"
"Oh, and now that the plan's crazy, I'm involved," he sighed, giving Kurt a look.
"Well do you have anything better?" he demanded, hands on his hips.
Blaine folded his towel, considering the best way to say this. "Maybe you shouldn't try to end their relationship? Your dad is obviously really happy with her if they're planning on moving in together and, I dunno, you set them up in the first place so-"
"Exactly. I need to fix my mistake," Kurt cut in. He spun back around to face the mirror and started aggressively rubbing moisturizer into his skin. "With your hatred of Finn, I thought you of all people would support me in this. Do you want him in my house when we stage impromptu performances of Broadway plays? I didn't think so."
"This isn't about Finn though," he pointed out. "This is about your dad-"
"It's about how Finn is my dad's ideal son," he said, staring into the sink. "He's straight and he's sporty and he wears plaid and his voice is at a normal pitch-"
"Hey- hey." Blaine dashed over to Kurt's side. Kurt's back shook beneath his palm as he rubbed it soothingly. "Yes, Finn is very straight. That doesn't make him your dad's son, though. You're his son. That's not going to change after a few football games with Finn."
"He's gonna like Finn better than me," he admitted his fears quietly.
"No. He won't. Your dad- he accepts you, Kurt. For who you are. He came into school and fought for your right to a solo, remember? He didn't do that to use up his breath," Blaine tried to comfort him.
"Yeah, and a few months ago he was grounding me for owning tiaras and bribing me to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters," he said, turning his face away from Blaine. "So what if, after hanging out with the golden boy, he goes back to discouraging who I am because he realizes that I'm not good enough?"
"Kurt," he said, heart dropping. He took his shoulder and tugged on him until his wet eyes met his. "Your dad is not my dad. He's not going to revoke his acceptance of you."
"How could you possibly know that?" he frowned.
"Because my dad's an asshole. Yours is not."
His face scrunched up sadly. It was obviously not a good enough answer, but Blaine didn't have any better ones, so he just defaulted to giving Kurt a hug.