A/N: Thank you all so much for hanging in there, I'm sorry it took so long to update; with the holidays and whatnot life just kind of got in the way. But don't worry I'm not abandoning this little tale by any means and already have the next chapter outlined and about 1,200 words written. I'm hoping to have it up by the end of this week, but I can't guarantee that just yet.
Thank you so much for all the kind words and feedback on chapter 10, that was a tough one to write so it thrills me to hear it came across the way I intended it to. As always reviews are welcomed and highly appreciated.
All right folks without further delay, here's chapter 11. Enjoy!
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The Penny was still relatively empty when Gail and Holly arrived save for a few random people scattered about. Gail did a quick scan of the room and wasn't all that surprised to find Oliver perched on a stool nursing a beer. His shoulders were slightly rounded as he hunched over the bar top absently rolling the bottle between his hands. If he'd been a complete, random stranger Gail still would've known instantly he'd had a hard day, his body language was a dead giveaway. There was a tension surrounding him almost as if the weight of his burden was physically visible on his frame. She realized suddenly with a pang of guilt that in her effort to be there for Traci, Gail had completely neglected to think of how all of this would've affected Oliver. How could it not when it was his best friend he'd helped lay to rest, a friend he'd known since his days at the academy long, long ago.
Holly noticed Gail's hesitation and followed her gaze to the now familiar officer seated at the bar. Recalling the unspoken interaction between the pair at the funeral, she gently squeezed the blonde's elbow to draw her attention.
"Go ahead, I'll grab a table," Holly said warmly, nodding in Shaw's direction. Blue eyes flickered to Oliver before settling back on the brunette in silent debate and after a moment Gail nodded her head.
The pair made their way towards the bar, the two branching off from one another when Gail pulled up on the stool to Oliver's right and Holly walked further down the counter to order a drink. Gail noticed an untouched tumbler of scotch to Shaw's left and knew in an instant what it was and her heart painfully swelled for her friend who'd spent many nights after shift on that very stool talking with his best friend over a drink.
"Hey," Ollie said softly, his eyes lighting up when he noticed the blonde sitting beside him. "How are you darlin? I'm sorry I haven't called or stopped by…" he began quickly and Gail rested her hand on his forearm draped on the bar to halt him.
"It's ok, don't have an aneurism," she teased him and he sighed tiredly while pinching the bridge of his nose as if he had a headache.
"Sorry, I'm just a little off today…" he replied, dropping his heavy gaze.
"I know…" Peck trailed with a nod as Liam placed a rum and coke on the coaster in front of her. "Thank you; can you start a tab for me?"
"Sure, but that one's already been taken care of," the bartender replied pointing to her glass before heading back down the bar to serve another customer. Gail frowned in confusion and looked to her right just catching a glimpse of Holy's retreating form and suddenly Liam's statement made sense.
"She's pretty great, you know," Oliver said, pulling Gail back to the present and found him looking in the same direction she had just been. "Dr. Stewart," he said in response to Gail's deer-in-headlights look as if he needed to clarify. "She was great with Traci the night…well …you know…"
Both of them took an awkward sip from their drinks.
"I hear she's been helping you out with all this," he said open-endedly, not sure if this was a touchy subject or not. "It's good."
"I swear I'm going to kill Dov..." Gail muttered darkly under her breath causing Ollie to chuckle and reach over to gently rub her back.
"No need for that darling, he's just happy you have someone you're comfortable talking to, that's all," he said lightly. "For my own piece of mind though, how are you doing?"
"I'm ok," Gail replied after careful consideration. "I have my moments, but they're getting fewer and further between…" she trailed off trying to decide how much to divulge, but realized she didn't have much of a choice when Oliver raised his brows, giving her his best fatherly look that said he wasn't buying the vague answer. "I'll get flashes every now and then…"
Shaw held her gaze unwaveringly. "Of?"
"Its different things really; the sound of his shoes on the cement floor or the sound of his voice. Darkness is an issue, reminds me of being in the basement...Sleep has been a big obstacle…I've been having nightmares," Gail reluctantly admitted taking a large swig from her glass.
Shaw nodded, not at all surprised.
"Gail, I get it. I do. This sort of thing doesn't just disappear overnight, I wish I could say it would, but it won't, it's going to stick with you for a long time," he said, leaning in to rub her back gently.
"Not that it would make a difference, but I still don't know what he wanted, I can only assume his plan was to rape and kill me…" she trailed off, swallowing thickly as her eyes welled with tears. "If it wasn't for Jerry..."
Oliver nodded with understanding when she didn't finish her sentence. Not wanting to pry he let the subject drop.
A familiar bang from the front of the room grabbed their attention as the inner door bounced gently off the frame, the telltale sign that the heavy outer door from the street had just been pulled open and sure enough a moment later the door swung open with Andy and Traci stepping inside. As soon as Oliver saw them his face lit up and he rose to his feet to greet them.
"There's my favorite rookies," he said happily when the duo headed toward them and Gail frowned up at him.
"I thought I was your favorite rookie…" Peck said grumpily.
"You are, but they're my favorites too," Ollie replied as Andy went to sit on the stool beside him, but he held his hand up to stop her. "Oh Andy we gotta find you somewhere else to sit, this is Jerry's seat," he said patting the stool top she had attempted to park on and gestured to the one beside it, steering her by the shoulders. "And this is Jerry's scotch, those are Jerry's peanuts," he gestured like a game show hostess to the objections in question.
"Jerry was allergic to peanuts. What are you trying to do, kill him?" Traci asked with an arched brow, her tone sad, but slightly playful as she removed her coat. Oliver stared at her for a moment before a smile spread across his face.
"Humor, that's good," he chuckled and clapped his hands. "Ok you're here, that means the party has started. We gotta get you a couple of these," he said pointing to the beer bottle and empty shot glass in front of him. "It doesn't fix everything, but it helps," he said looking down the bar for the bartender who was busy tending to another customer.
Andy and Traci exchanged a quick look and then looked to Gail who shrugged. It was obvious Oliver had been there a while and was a few drinks ahead of them.
Giving up on flagging Liam down, Shaw plopped back down on his stool, turning to McNally and Nash.
"You know what Jerry did last week? He bought me 5 pairs of underwear," he said, pausing when Gail's face scrunched up. "Yeah he saw I was wearing those briefs, the normal ones and he said women didn't like those anymore and maybe that's why my wife left me so he bought me 5 pairs." He turned to look directly at Gail. "Stripped," he added proudly and rose from his stool. "I'm wearing them now you gotta see these things."
"That's ok Oliver," Traci said, patting him on the shoulder when he reached for his belt, thankful that Shaw quickly relented with a shrug.
"Ok, I'm just saying it takes a great man to tell his friend when to change his underwear," he replied and flopped on the stool once again, grabbing his beer.
Gail smiled and rubbed a hand along the small of his back, knowing this was Ollie's way of putting on a brave face to hide how bad he was hurting.
"On that lovely note, I'm going to go check on Holly," the blonde said with a smirk and scooped up her drink to head over to the high top table the doc was perched at.
Holly looked up from her phone and smiled when Gail took the chair across from her.
"Anything good?" Peck asked, nodding towards the phone laying on the table.
"Not really, just work email," Holly replied and met Gail's gaze. "How ya doing?"
"I'm ok, but that could change in 10 seconds so…" she trailed off with an indifferent shrug.
A comfortable silence stretched on between them and Holly contemplated something she'd been thinking about since that morning. Taking a deep breath she decided to broach the topic.
"You know I was thinking about what you said earlier," Holly said, gently rolling her glass between her hands.
"Hol I said a lot of things earlier, some of which I'm not real proud of so you're going to have to narrow it down for me," Gail said, lifting her drink to her lips.
"About why I've stuck by you."
"Oh…" the blonde asked, Holly now having her full attention. "And?"
"Because you deserve it," Holly replied looking Gail in the eyes. "You deserve patience and comfort and understanding."
"But I really don't, that's the problem. What you don't realize is this is me, 24/7. I'm not a nice person. I'm not outgoing or easy to get along with. I'm sarcastic and cold and selfish…" the blonde trailed off, absently drawing patterns in the condensation on the side of the glass her hands.
Holly shook her head and leaned in closer, placing her hands atop Gail's in an effort to make her focus on what she was about to say next. It wasn't until Peck looked at her with those impossibly blue eyes that she spoke.
"The person you just described is nothing like the one I see," Holly began. "I see someone who is incredibly dedicated to their job and unselfishly put herself in danger to save the lives of people she's never met. I see a woman who had a very unfortunate and traumatizing thing happen to her and is trying to cope with it the best she can. The walls you've put up, they don't define you; your actions do. And from what I've seen you're an amazing woman who's been there for a friend in a time of need despite the demons you're facing yourself. You put other people first, Gail, and that's amazing to me."
Gail sat there silently as tears welled in her eyes and wondered-not for the first time- what she'd done to deserve this woman sitting before her.
"Hey guys," Chris said as he and Dov slung their coats over the chair backs on either side of the women. "Have you seen Traci?"
Gail turned in her chair. "She was over talking to Oliver at the bar…"
Diaz scanned the rapidly growing crowd.
"There she is," Dov said tapping Chris on the shoulder who turned and followed his roommate to a small group of officers from 27th division who were chatting idly with Nash.
"Traci?" Chris said and she turned to face the two boys. "Dov and I found a few things in Jerry's desk yesterday that we thought you might want. I also found something I'd like to keep, but if you don't want me to I'll understand."
"What is it?" she asked curiously and handed her a photograph of a young Hispanic boy smiling widely for the camera. His clothes were clearly hand-me-downs, his shoes well worn. "Who is this?"
"Jose, his kid," Diaz said and Traci brow shot up in confusion and she looked between the two of them in shock. "His foster child," he quickly clarified when he realized the inadvertent panic he'd caused flash across her face and handed her a pamphlet and card sent from the agency.
"Jerry was sponsoring this kid?" Traci asked, looking up from the message scribbled inside the card in broken English. Dov and Chris both nodded.
"I was thinking the division could continue to sponsor him in Jerry's honor," Chris said hopefully as Traci continued to skim the information in front of her.
"We, ah, also found this," Epstein softly stuttered, clearly nervous as he handed her a piece of paper. Traci took the crisp sheet and quickly unfolded it, her expression falling instantly when she realized what she was reading.
Behind them, Oliver cleared his throat loudly and rose from his seat at the bar to gather the now crowded room's attention.
"Now that we're all here, I'd like to make a toast to Jerry," he began with a nod, looking around the room at all the familiar faces.
"He was a good man and a good cop…I never got to tell him that…" he said, his voice breaking slightly before he paused to compose himself. "So…ah…umm, I'd like to say…ah…Jerry, screw it buddy I'm drinking your scotch my man," he said grabbing the tumbler and lifting it in the air.
"To Jerry!" Oliver toasted and drained the glass to a chorus of 'here-heres' and 'amens' as the room followed his lead.
Traci looked to Oliver affectionately as he blinked back unshed tears in his eyes that he would've defended to the end of time were caused by the burn of the scotch he'd just downed. She took a deep breath to steady herself and pushed off the stool, clearing her throat.
"Actually, uh…I have something I'd like to say," she said, holding up the creased piece of paper. "Chris and Dov found this…it's the speech Jerry wrote for our wedding…"
From the high top to Traci's left Gail perked up, rising to her feet as she focused on her friend who had the entire room's attention. This was going to hurt, more than the funeral service, more than the coming days when Jerry's absence was sure to be felt, more than anything. These were his words, but they were more than that; they were now his tribute to his friends and loved ones who he treasured most and the only thing that would hurt more than hearing them was knowing the Jerry would never be able to speak them himself.
With a deep breath, Traci began.
"Thank you all for coming, I'll make it short so we can get to the partying, but who am I kidding some of you are probably already drunk; Oliver," Traci said emphasizing his name and smirked at the humor that was so completely Jerry. Across from her, Shaw smiled sadly and dropped his gaze to the floor, absently picking at the label of his beer bottle.
"I am the luckiest man alive," she continued, pausing momentarily at the bitter irony she felt as the words left her lips, knowing without a doubt time had robbed them both. "I don't just have good friends, I have great friends..."
"Noelle," Traci called out, looking across the room to her former training officer who was seated at a table with Frank and their newborn daughter Olivia. "Thanks for helping me with the playlist for this little shindig, gotta be honest though when you weren't looking I did sneak the Macarena back on there."
A collective chuckle sounded throughout the room as Noelle smiled wide, remembering their long talk over lunch one day about the songs she was forbidding him from playing at the reception. She was really going to miss their random, long winded conversations they seemed to break into without warning.
"Ollie, you know you're my brother," Nash continued, pausing to spare a glance in his direction just as his head lifted and his eyes met hers for a moment. "I can only hope that I'm half the husband you are and when the time comes, half the dad…" with this Traci's voice broke and a silent tear rolled down her cheek as did Oliver's.
"Just so you guys know, crying or not I'm going to get through this whole damn thing," Traci vowed looking around the room with a determined, sad smile as she pointed to the paper in her hand, trying to refocus. After pausing for a moment to find her place, she began to read once again.
"Sammy; the best man. No truer words were ever spoken. I trust you with my life because no matter what happens I know you'll always have my back. I love you man."
Andy flicked her gaze over to Swarek whose expression was a neutral mask that gave nothing away, but judging by the burning in his eyes she could tell this was killing him inside and fought the urge to reach out to him.
"And to my beautiful wife Traci…" she carried on, tears continuing to streak down her cheeks as she fought to find her voice and control her breathing. She closed her eyes and dropped her head forward as grief washed over her in waves; she tried to calm herself, but just couldn't muster it. She was about to turn and walk away when she felt a gentle hand on her back. She opened her eyes to find a pale, slightly battered hand gently taking the paper from her grasp.
"To my beautiful wife Traci," Gail read as Nash took a step back to prop an elbow on the bar top before crying into her palm, her eyes clamped shut with anguish. "Traci you aren't just part of my life, you are my life. You have taken this simple man and made him a king. Until the day I die you will always hold a key to my heart."
With the last word hanging in the air, Gail turned and pulled Traci into a tight hug, the blonde's hands instantly running soothing circles on Nash's back as she continued to cry into Peck's shoulder. A stifling silence fell over the bar; the only sound was the occasional sniffle or shuttering breath. Normally being the focal point of attention would've bother Gail, but right now all she could focus on was Traci who was starting to calm in her arms. After a few moments Nash stepped back, wiping at her cheeks and giving Peck a small, but thankful smile. She looked around the room once again at the somber faces of her friends and coworkers who had come together to honor her man.
"Um, you know when I woke up this morning I didn't even know how I was going to get out bed, but I look around this room and…and I see that I'm not alone. None of us are," Traci said with a heavy sigh. "So please everybody just…ah…raise a glass to my husband," she requested, her voice cracking once again as she chocked up.
Suddenly bottles, glasses, and tumblers were lifter in the air in silent salute before everyone took a drink. Slowly, people began to mill about the room once again, conversations picked up and eventually the bar turned back to some semblance of normality.
Traci hugged Gail tight as Ollie, Chris, Dov, and Andy closed in around them.
"Thank you," Traci said with a warm appreciate smile despite the tears still sliding down her cheeks. Gail stepped back nodding and with a sweep of her hand down Nash's arm she stepped out of the small circle of friends who had gathered around them and slowly made her way back over to Holly who was patiently waiting at the table.
The doc knew reading Jerry's words had not been easy for Gail and felt a sense of pride for the officer who was standing tall and weathering a storm of inner turmoil to support Traci.
Gail took a long sip from her drink before replacing the now empty glass on the table and Holly gently rubbed her forearm, giving her a warm smile.
"I'm going to get some air, I'll be right back," the blonde said with a decisive nod as if she were convincing herself before turning on her heel and began weaving through the thick crowd.
Gail made her way past the bar to the back hallway near the restrooms and stepped out into the alley at the rear of the building, the cool night air making her wish she'd grabbed her jacket as she hitched her shoulders against the light breeze. She tipped her head back and closed her eyes, taking a deep cleansing breath as the wind kicked up a bit more.
She always loved this time of year in the city, it wasn't cold enough to be unpleasant and yet not warm enough to be cozy; to Gail it was the perfect in between. If she really stopped to think about it, the weather was a lot like her. She wasn't an overly affectionate person, but had a warm spot for the people in her life regardless of how much she might hide it; she could be cold and harsh at times, the preverbal Ice Queen as she'd been deemed by a few she worked with, but most of the time she was contently somewhere in the middle.
The sound of the door clicking shut behind her pulled Gail's attention back to the present and she turned to find Nick sheepishly standing there with his hands buried deep in the front pockets of his jeans. Peck instantly felt anger boil inside her stomach, the heat rising up her chest and into her neck. She wanted nothing more than to yell and scream, possibly even hit the man she'd once thought of as her equal.
"What do you want?" Gail asked, her tone low and biting as she locked eyes with his. "Isn't there somewhere else you'd rather be?"
"Don't be like that," Collins said taking a step towards her.
"How am I supposed to be then?" she said impatiently. "How am I supposed to be when the one person who's supposed to have my back disappears once again when I need him? Please, explain it to me…"
Whether it was from the venom in the blonde's tone or sheer cowardious, Nick dropped his head forward in silence.
"You've always been so good at disappearing, why are you here now?" Gail asked, her eyes shining with unshed tears as buried emotions came rushing to the surface. To his credit, Nick actually lifted his gaze to meet hers.
"Because I care about you," he answered sincerely and Gail had to fight the urge to scoff in his face. "I know I may not always do the right thing or say the right thing, but I do care about you, Gail, I always have…" Nick trailed off, stepping closer to her, his eyes pleading with her to give him another chance. He pulled his hands from his pockets as if he were about to reach out and touch her, but smartly thought better of it when he saw the daggers she was glaring into him.
"It's too little too late," she said shaking her head. "I can't count on you Nick, I can't trust you."
"But you trust the doc whom you've only known for all of 10 minutes…" he said under his breath without thinking.
"Holly has been there for me more in those 10 minutes than you've been in the 5 years I've known you, now ask yourself if that speaks volumes about her character or yours," Gail answered and yanked the door open and walked back into the bar leaving Collins dumbfounded in the alley. She made a beeline for the bar and ordered two shots of tequila, downing them both in rapid fire succession before demanding two more.
"Hey pace yourself; it's a marathon not a sprint," Andy said with a smirk waiting for another round of drinks for her and Sam and earning the iciest glare she'd seen the blonde dish out.
"Bite me, McNally," Peck said and pounded the third shot.
"Are you ok?" the brunette asked with genuine concern.
"Peachy," Gail replied shortly, downing the last of the tequila before turning and heading back to the high top to gather her things.
Holly instantly knew something was wrong when Gail approached the table, the blonde's defensive walls clearly in place behind her hard stare as she grabbed her jacket without even acknowledging the brunette.
"Where we headed?" Holly asked, rising to her feet with her hand resting on her own coat trying to play it lightly despite not having a clue what had changed in the officer in the last 10 minutes. Gail merely glanced at her, laying her collar flat and looping a scarf around her neck.
"I'm going for a walk," Peck answered shortly putting emphasis on her first word.
"Want some company?" Hol asked already slipping her jacket from her chair.
"No," the blonde called over her shoulder dismissively as she strode towards the exit.
Holly's shoulders slumped and her brow furrowed as she watched Gail walk right out of the bar without another word. She knew she should go after Gail to make sure she was ok, but at the moment couldn't see past her anger for the blonde's lack of coping skills to take the first step.
With a frustrated, heavy sigh Holly pulled her coat on and headed home.