CHAPTER 11

Jace, sitting on the rooftop, watched as Simon left the Institute. The moonlight making his skin paler, but it didn't hide the sadness that crossed his face. Isabelle stood just outside the doors as she tearfully watched Simon walk away.

But Jace almost wanted to scowl. It was as if Simon won't be there in Alicante in the next two weeks. He just heard that the Clave would be hosting a conference and definitely the vampire coven would be there. But Clary, by cutting her ties to Alicante, just like her mother, won't be. They're not compelled to.

Jace looked at his wrist watch. Ten past four in the morning. At six, they would departure for Alicante. He didn't know when would be the next time he'll be here in New York. Three, five, fifteen years from now?

He didn't know.

But he did know—remember—that Jocelyn called him up yesterday afternoon, asking him to see Clary. Asking him of he was okay. Asking him if he could say goodbye before he leaves. He had been sitting on the rooftop for hours now, contemplating whether he should go or not. Countless times he'd been checking his watch, ask himself what he wanted to do, then go blank, numb, then check the time again and be surprised that almost an hour had already passed.

Two more hours to go.

He asked himself again of what he wanted to do. He knew what he wanted to do. He knew he wanted to see her. But all it did was make him fearful, make his legs feel like jelly knowing that it would be the last time he would see Clary.

Jace knew that it would be easier to part with grudges and anger and disappointments between them. The more they could forget each other, the better.

But that wasn't right, leaving without any words to each other. No, maybe not about words of love, or reconciliation or anything else that would make them—him—remember the inevitable separation. No, it didn't need to be those words. It just needed to be sincere. Not hopeful, but respectful.

Memories were shared, Jace reminded himself.

They weren't simply to be ignored.

And Clary. He finally thought of the name again.

Clary.

What would she think of him? Cruel and heartless, like Valentine? Like forgiveness was something he couldn't give? Wasn't she the one who taught him that?

Clary…

Jace looked at his watch one more time. 4:25 am. It would take five, seven leaps, from where he was, to reach Clary.

Just get this over with, Lightwood. He told himself. Don't pretend as if you don't want this.

And so he did, with a giant leap—of faith, of forgiveness—Jace traveled, jumping from one roof to another, embracing the cold wind rushing past him, ignoring the temptation of going back. Just one step back—one step and that's all it takes to make him stop and not continue.

But he fought. He fought the urge to do the easy way out. Clary didn't deserve that. She deserved an explanation. A goodbye. Just like he deserved his own answers from her.

It wasn't going to be easy, it would be damn hard that Jace knew he might regret doing this. But for all it's worth, he might get something from this—something to at least look forward to, something that would make him understand.

He slowed down when Luke's house was already in view. He didn't need to look twice to check if Clary's window was up. It was. He would thank Jocelyn for that later. He crept up and went in slowly, not really wanting to alarm her or anything, but he can't help his legs wanting to get a little closer.

Then there she was, sleeping peacefully, her quilted blanket almost covering her face, the moonlight slightly lighting the room, the glow obvious on her pale skin. And that's all it took to destroy his defenses. Jace forgot what he was here for. He forgot that he shouldn't be hopeful but instead just be simply sincere. But he forgot. He forgot his purpose, just like the way he always forgets about everything else when Clary comes to mind.

Did he hate her? No. Of course not. He just loved her too much to let her go.

Jace crossed the room towards the bed and crouched so they were at level. He carefully tucked back strands of her hair and she stirred at the contact. Jace wanted to touch her once more, but he stopped his hand midway. She just looked so peaceful. So instead, he sat on the nearest chair and just watched her sleep.

This was the way he wanted to remember her. Peaceful. And of the nights in Alicante he would be thinking of her, it was this scene, this picture of solitary peace—without the image of him in her sleep troubling her awake, worrying her of her imagined shortcomings—that would reassure him.

Yes. This was his goodbye. Unspoken but felt. Hopefully, in the morning, when she wakes up, no sign of his sadness would be left, just his assurance that all was well. That he understood, or at least trying too. That he wouldn't take it against her, because this was her life, and all he could think about was how grateful he was that he became a part of it. Yes, that was something to be thankful about. Jace Lightwood, the conceited person that he was, was welcomed, was loved by someone like her.

Clarissa…

Jace blinked, looking sideways and saw the sun almost rising.

Just a few more minutes, he told himself.

Then he just sat still, watching the most beautiful—sleeping, yet beautiful—figure in front of him.

"Where is Jace?" Isabelle ranted. "It's almost six! Mom and Dad will kill us if we're not in Alicante by then."

"Relax, Izz." Alec said, arranging the luggages beside him. Magnus was starting to make the portal behind them. "He's not yet in his room."

"What do you mean he's not in…?" Isabelle's face enlightened. "D'you think…?"

Alec sighed. "I hope so."

Alec remembered the look on Clary's face when she realized Jace wasn't there to see her leave the Institute. She tried to hide her grief, but of course she couldn't fool anyone. Isabelle and Magnus were already crying their hearts out. He on the other hand, was trying to contain his. But all the same Alec felt miserable. He would miss the redhead.

But he couldn't believe Jace. Thinking how in the world could he live in Alicante knowing that he didn't even say goodbye to Clary. After the tearful departure, with Isabelle locking herself in her room, still crying, Alec looked for Jace. He even thought of it to be useless since he already concluded that Jace would not be in the Institute, but when he got to his room, it was as if he was slapped on the face. Jace was there, lying on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.

"What's this?" Alec roared at him.

Jace didn't respond.

"She just left, you know."

No response.

"Goddamn, you, Jonathan!"

"Don't call me that." Jace replied coldly.

"I'll call you whatever I want, demon-head. How could you live like this? Do you hate her so much that you don't even have the guts to say goodbye? Oh, this is so low, Jace."

"What do you know, Alec?" Jace stood up, angry at Alec. "What do you know when you can have Magnus in Alicante? When Isabelle could see Simon almost every other week? What do you guys know?"

"What I know is that we said our goodbyes! We sent our love for her, her family! We gave our care, our concern!" Alec shouted. "We're not like you, selfishly thinking that you're the only one upset about this, because newsflash, Jace, we all are!"

Jace laid back again, pissed at his brother. Alec was still fuming, breathing hard.

"Just leave me alone, Alec." Jace finally said.

"Oh, I know I will." Alec spat. He crossed the room angrily and opened the door. But before he finally shut it back behind him, Alec said something he knew would hit Jace hard; somewhat maybe below even below the belt, but it didn't matter. It was the truth.

"You don't deserve her." Then he shut the door close.

"Alec?" Someone poked him. Isabelle.

"W-what?"

Alec turned around from the luggage he was arranging, even Magnus stopped opening the portal. He heard Isabelle take a deep breath beside him.

"He's coming."

Then Alec saw Jace approaching the Institute, not really sad or anything, not even bothering to hurry towards them now that the portal was about to be opened.

"Jace…" Isabelle whispered as he neared.

"… just went to say goodbye." He said, barely audible.

Then Isabelle hugged him instantly, Jace almost lost his balance, but smiled, and hugged her back. Isabelle's crying again.

"Oh, Jace… everything will be okay." She held him now in arm's length. "Everything will be."

Jace smiled. "I know."

Then to Alec's surprise, Jace pat his back and whispered something only the two of them could hear.

"Thanks."

Alec nodded, appreciating his brother's small gestures of appreciation.

"It's all fine now." Jace continued. "It's all fine."

Then he walked back inside the Institute, saying that he'll be checking if they've forgotten some things inside. And as he did, Alec murmured to himself he knew everyone—Isabelle, Magnus, his parents—was saying,

"I hope so. I hope so very much, Jace."

Alec's room was spotless. So were his and Isabelle's. There was only the last room he had to check. Clary's.

Jace took a deep breath as he pushed the door open. But as he did, he was instantly overwhelmed with nostalgia that he closed his eyes, afraid of what he will see.

"It's not over." Clary said to him before he jumped out of her window. "It can never be over Jace."

It can never be over, Jace murmured, his eyes still closed.

He was about to go back then. He checked his watch. 5:53 am. Silently, he stood up from the chair. For a minute, or so he thought, he just stared at Clary's sleeping figure, taking her all in. He wanted to come closer and kiss her, but again he stopped himself, reminding himself the peace he wanted to leave her.

It's better this way.

Then with a final sigh, he turned around. But not a second too long, a hand reached for his shoulder and pulled him back.

"You came." Clary said, eyes still puffy. Jace was surprised he didn't hear her approach. He was too preoccupied in thinking about the inevitable that he didn't even realize that he knocked down her paintbrush canister while climbing the window.

"Clary…" Jace said. He settled back inside the room. The urge to touch her was so irresistible now that she's just inches away, her own hand still on his shoulder.

"How long have you been here?" Clary whispered. She now caressed his face, memorizing its shape, its features…. Jace could no longer stop himself. Slowly, he let his hand move. He held her hands that touched his face.

"Clary. . ."

"I'm sorry…" she said, almost choking, her eyes already brimming with tears. "I'm sorry I have to stay here."

Jace gripped her hands more tightly. Then he looked at her, those green eyes that he loved so much. Those green eyes he hoped to see again. Those green eyes that never lied to him.

"Do you love me?" Jace whispered.

"Of course!" Clary embraced him now, her arms around his neck. "Of course, Jace. I love you. Please don't ever doubt that."

Jace wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. "I never…But I know I couldn't change your mind."

Clary pulled away a little so that they were facing each other. She looked at him sadly, knowing that what he said was true. She could not leave New York more than she could ever leave her mother. Reality hit them hard again as they look, immersing themselves, at each other.

"What now?" Jace whispered again.

Then that's when he heard the small sniffle, her face contorting into a hurtful frown; expressions that were small yet so powerful that he felt some stinging—electricity—running along the nerves of his fingers, his own tears wanting to get out. Jace didn't need another second to think, he wrapped his arms around more tightly around Clary as her cries turned into quiet sobs.

"I'm sorry I chose to stay." Clary repeated, her head still buried on his neck.

Jace kissed her temple. The smell of her hair, grapefruit, all the more told him not to let her go. But he can't do that.

He can't.

He musn't.

He was here to say goodbye.

"I don't need to ask why you want to stay here, like you wouldn't ask why I would be going. It's already… a fact. Of what we want to do with our lives." Jace said, "It's me, Clary. I expected too much. Wanting you to be a part of my world. I selfishly wanted you for myself. But that's not right, isn't it?"

That's not right. He repeated to himself.

"But I want you too…" She whispered.

He chuckled. "I know."

Clary slightly and playfully punched him, like the way she used to.

"I don't have any idea how this setting would work for us." Jace admitted, Clary looked back at him now; he wiped the tears from her eyes. "But I want you to know that I understand. You're staying here in New York. I'm accepting it. Not that it's easy. But I'm trying."

"Jace…"

"It feels like we're back to where we started, huh?" Jace laughed humorlessly, the pain already too much to bear. "Wanting to be together but not allowed to be."

"Oh, Jace..." Clary said. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Shh… don't say that." Jace held her closer, if it was even possible. "We've got different lives to take now, so what? That doesn't mean anything."

Jace was surprised with the words coming out from his mouth. Was it just minutes ago that he decided not to be hopeful? That there was no chance whatsoever? That their relationship was nothing but an unnecessary attachment? But hearing his own words, no matter how foreign it might feel, or sound, Jace had to admit, it comforted him. And hopefully, it comforted her.

They stood there; the sweet chirping of the bird in their background, the slow lightening of their surroundings as the sun rose behind them… Jace and Clary stood there as one, as if nothing could separate them; they stood not as brother and sister, but as lovers—as two loves intertwined and forever in sync. Distance was nothing compared to the challenges of taboo, of incest. This was nothing. They only needed to defy time, not faith, not morality. Just time. Yes, this was easier. No Valentine to destroy them, no demons to separate them. It was just time—time and distance then nothing else.

"I need to go." Jace started. But Clary tightened her grip more.

"One more minute." Clary whispered. Jace chuckled lightly as he kissed her forehead.

"No tears, Fray, you understand?" Jace kidded.

Clary snorted.

"You'd be good? For me?"

"Yes, you too." Clary replied. "Follow the rules of the Clave, don't hunt demons alone, don't be foolish and—"

"Run around and chase other girls?" Jace teased.

Clary raised an eyebrow then added, "Yes. No chasing around other girls."

"No chasing around other guys too, Fray." Jace said, dead serious. "I've still got blood-sucker to spy on me, remember that."

"I would never do that to you."

"So do I."

Jace finally cupped her face, the one he's been waiting for to do the whole time.

"I'm going to miss you very much, redhead." He sighed.

Slowly, Jace inched his head closer. And like in autopilot, or maybe it was for the reason that both of them were just so used to doing this, like a reflex , a jolt, an initial reaction, Clary closed her eyes, as he did. And when their lips touched, there was nothing in the world that mattered, not even the wrist watch already beeping 6:00.

"Clary… I have to go…" Jace whispered as their lips parted. He saw her nod, her eyes threatened with tears again.

"I want to say goodbye to Izz and the others, I'll come with you."

"No." Jace shook his head. "Saying goodbye once is hard enough, Clary. They'll understand."

"Send them my love, will you?"

Jace nodded.

Then slowly, Jace did what he thought was the hardest thing he ever did in his life time.

He let her go.

"Go back to sleep, Clary." He said softly as he climbed the window pane, a small smile forming on his face.

Sleep like this is all just a dream.

"Jace," Clary said tearfully. "I love you."

He looked at her one more time, her green eyes, her red hair, her pale skin, and her tiny freckles…

"I love you, Clarissa."

"It can never be over." She said with pure sincerity and determination that Jace felt warmth spreading all over his body.

"Never."

With a final nod, Jace jumped off, swearing to god that tears escaped his—and even her—eyes again. He rushed through the rooftops thinking that, no, he didn't regret seeing her for the last time. No, it won't be easy. Maybe there will be nights in Alicante where he'll long for her, shed more tears for her; maybe there will be nights he'll curse and be angry again for the separation. But he knows one thing's for sure.

It will never be over. It's impossible to think that it's over.

Jace finally opened his eyes again, Clary's empty room welcoming him. But to his surprise, he didn't feel any sadness. Instead, he felt hope. Hope surrounding all the hopelessness.

"Never over." Jace murmured to himself.

Then he closed the door with a purring Church walking beside him, with Isabelle shouting in the background that they were already twenty minutes late… Jace walked inside the Institue one last time, holding in his hands, in his mind, in his heart, a promise—that yes, there was still something to look forward to in the future.

AN: I uploaded this chapter sooner because I know you guys deserve this after I wrenched your hearts in the previous chapter. I hope this compensates. Anyway, one more chappie to go. Although I could still change my mind. Thanks to all the lovely reviews. Sorry I don't have the time to reply to your messages. But again, thank you from the bottom of my heart! :))