I'm really sorry about the late update, my internet has been screwy because of bad weather and I could not seem to upload documents. That's what you get with dial-up (thought the internet is not that slow), funny though, I decide to get a new internet service and now my documents upload.
I planned on updating two days ago but the login things was not working.
This chapter starts a day after Bella's talk with Dr. Morgan in chapter nine.
The beginning of this chapter Bella may come off as mean, but it's just apart the process of her getting better so she does not sit back and be quiet anymore, so she's not held back by what happened. Also this chapter starts as BPOV, and then it goes to a short Rosalie POV, and then back to Bella, and then switches to an italics flashback. The Flashback is post Twilight, post the prom in Twilight.
According to Microsoft word this is nine pages long, my longest yet with over 4000 words so enjoy!!
Chapter eleven: Insight
It was just yesterday that I really started opening up more too Dr. Morgan, and following I was plagued by more dreams. This time the dreams surrounded Victoria, and being in the woods, and what she did too me. There was even one dream that featured Rosalie which made absolutely no sense. Rosalie hated me, and I don't know why I'd be dreaming about her; she is definitely the last person I need to be thinking of.
Today I would be attending another group therapy session, and I was expected too do some talking. It is a step I have to take, but it just sends chills down my spine and makes me very nervous. Nervous about the fact that it's group therapy for mental patients; nervous about what I might talk about, and nervous that I was still not sure on how to not symbolize vampires.
My day started like it always does; I wake up and lay in bed to fully too let myself wake up and then I join the others for breakfast, following a relaxing shower. I finished my shower, brushed my hair and teeth, slipped on my robe and made my way back into my room. I was just finished with getting dressed when Ava arrived.
"Hey." She spoke with a smile.
"Hey." I responded without looking at her.
"So I hear you're going to be in the spotlight today." She seemed hesitant when she spoke, but I was not.
"Wow! You seem to be the only person here I know that can keep things to themselves! Let me guess did Dr. Morgan tell you!"
"Yes," She was not hesitant this time.
The fact just made me angry. I never expected to be the center of attention when I got here. I knew that Dr. Morgan had other patients, but whatever happened to doctor-patient confidentiality? Sure I did not mind Ava knowing something's but not everything, but most of all it made me question Dr. Morgan's ability to help me. I did not want people to know that I was going to start talking today, and now it would just make things harder on me in therapy…
"Look Bella, I was the one that asked. I was concerned after what happened with your friends."
My friends-my family. They were my family, they would always be my family – no matter what – but I just could not think about them right now, I needed to stay focused, but yet just thinking about my family calmed some of my anger, but not all of it.
"Okay then... but I was told all about doctor-patient confidentiality, and expect things to stay that way. I'm not someone who likes being in the spotlight, in fact the less people that know about my condition the better!"
"I'm sorry Bella, I thought that letting your friend-"
"AVA! Just let it go okay! Your apologies and regrets are not going to get me anywhere but maybe when I get better I can appreciate your help!"
Ava just stared at me in shock. I was never angry towards her but seeing the look on her face just made actually want to go to group therapy, and it would make it so much easier because I did not feel nervous anymore.
"Well I'll let you be then." She spoke softly. It was barely above a whisper.
And she did. She walked emotionless out of my room and I did not feel guilty at all.
RPOV
The deer hit the cold ground with a pang but I doubted an animal could even feel that pain or even attempt too. My teeth quickly pierced deep into its skin and I took in the crimson-silk like blood… I could feel myself become immediately energized but I still sucked the deer dry.
I ejected my teeth from the now dead deer and began to lick my lips when Emmett rounded the corner, he was practically bouncing. Yep, he had his meal.
"Hey Babe! You done?"
"Yeah, I just finished." I smiled at him and he smiled back. I rushed over to Emmett placing my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a quick kiss.
"Do we have to go back right away?" I was referring to the fact that the rest of my family was spread out in Carlisle's office going through everything medical about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how Bella could possibly have it. Of course everyone took a break to go hunting and I was ecstatic when that time came for Emmett and I to hunt; I just could not look at anymore medical journals.
"Come one Rose… You know Carlisle and Edward could use our help, especially since it means helping Bella."
"I'm so sick about hearing about Bella. Just let her own doctors help her." I spoke in a hoarse manner.
I don't think I'd ever have anything good to say when it came to Isabella Swan, but I did not like the idea of her being in a mental institution… if there was anything that could make me cringe, mental institutions would do that, but I did not want to be the one to help her. I was not gifted like that.
"Babe, come on! There has too be some part of you that likes Bella… I care about her, and want to help. You helped protect her with the James situation, why won't you help her now?"
I could list off a million reasons why I did not want too help Bella, but I could not let my guard down. There was no way I could tell my family about my visit to Bella last year… there was no way, it would only make things worse and make them feel even worse about themselves.
"Okay, Bella why don't you go next?"
I sat very comfortably on the oversized chair but sized my posture and tilted my head when it came to be my turn. It was really now just hitting me.
"Uh… I, uh… I'm not sure how to start."
"That's okay Bella. Just take your time," Dr. Morgan spoke very sympathetically.
Wow! What a hypocrite! She is okay with telling Ava and possibly other people stuff about me but when we are both in the spotlight she acts very normal, like she was unexpected of the fact that I would talk.
"Like I've stated many times before is that group therapy is one way for patients to get to know each other a bit, and to make it easier for patients to find some kind of comfort; to make it easy to talk knowing that the patient is not the only one with problems. So whatever you want too say, we'll listen."
I looked around the room at the other patients. Some stared at me, one person stared off into space, while another feigned sleep, some acted like they did not care, there was one guy that was literally cross eyed and would not stop staring at Dr. Morgan, one woman was biting her nails, and the last patient that spoke was on the verge of tears.
I breathed in and breathed out, and lifted my head back up.
"Well my name is Bella, and I'm here because I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because I was the victim of an almost torturous-violent attack," I could only guess that there was no simpler way too state the facts, but I could not believe the way I just said that.
Some of the patients all turned there gaze toward me while literally gaping; I guess I could assume that "violent-torturous attack" was not apart of their regular vocabulary. I finally looked at Dr. Morgan... She sat back in her chair and her eyes gazed at me; she had a look of someone being very absorbed in a book.
"But before I get to that I want to talk about the other reason that I'm here… I had found love and lost it, and even though I never stopped loving him, he is the reason why I became to have depression... his name is Edward."
I had started to feel tired toward the end of the night and by the time I sat comfortably in Edward's Volvo, I could have easily fallen asleep but it would do much for Edward would have me home in like five minutes; So I feigned sleep, maybe he would carry me into the house, these heels Alice had me were murder. I lent my head against the window and shut my eyes, and like I predicted, five minutes later the car stopped, arms gripped my shoulders, and Edward whispered into my ear.
"Bella, love we're home," He spoke so softly but yet his voice sounded so seductive.
I yawned, and lifted my head up from the window and looked out into the darkness; in fact it was too dark for being at my house.
"Edward, where are we?"
"Were at my place, you get too stay with me tonight."
Edward released his arms off of my shoulders and I turned my head around to stare at him.
"I don't think that's a good idea. Charlie expected you too bring me home tonight." I spoke warily and then looked away from Edward in knowing that whatever he said next would just convince me, he could dazzle me on almost anything.
"Well, Esme talked to Charlie. She had him convinced in less than five minutes."
"Yeah, okay. But why do you want me to stay here?"
"I thought it be nice for a change, plus isn't that what boyfriends and girlfriends do? Stay at each other's houses? Plus it would make Alice really happy!"
I loved when he talked about human things, but he was right. It would be nice if I'd stay at the Cullen home some more, which meant even more time with Edward. Like that was possible, with an exception of hunting his spent his whole days with me. I kind of liked it that he can't sleep.
"Okay."
Edward was out of the car and to the passenger side door. He opened the door while I took my seatbelt off, and as I predicted he picked me up and carried me into the house.
"Bella! I'm so glad you decided to stay! Edward take her too my room, I've got clothes for her to sleep in."
I knew I should have seen that one coming. The Cullen's had everything.
Edward took me upstairs to Alice's room with Alice following. He sat me down on the bed, placed a kiss on my forehead and left me too change. I traded my dress, for a nice pair of black sweat pants and a lacy silk tank top. Alice even messed around with my hair putting in a simpleponytail. I walked out of Alice's room, and in Edward fashion he was standing up against the wall. He scooped my up in his arms again and we went to his room, were there was a bed.
"You. Have. A. Bed!" I exclaimed a bit shocked. I knew that he did not sleep, and I think this is the first bed I've seen throughout the whole house. The bed was about a queen size, with three different blankets, about ten pillows, and colored in a dark blue.
"Yeah, you do need a place to sleep. I would not have it any other way."
"WOW! Am I supposed to say thank you?"
"You can say anything to me Bella." Edward spoke very sweetly.
"Well thank you, I guess."
Edward put me down, and I maneuvered too the bed taking away some of the pillows and pulling the really heavy comforter off before getting under the covers. Edward joined me after turning off the lights; I rested my face and half my body on his chest as his arms secured around my waist.
"So, did you have a good time tonight?" Edward asked.
"I think I did but don't get use to it."
He chuckled, and I could just feel his smile radiating down at me.
"You say that now, but I got you too prom so the possibilities are endless."
"The possibilities are endless and ongoing for you. You've got till the end of time, I don't" I spoke a bit sadly. Edward had already lived a hundred years and he would most likely live another hundred, but I would get to be in his life for – hopefully – eighty of that one-hundred.
"Bella don't even talk like that, time is a slow process. Trust me, the both of us got forever."
"How can we possibly have forever when I get older everyday?" Everything turned serious.
Edward was silent now. I had to bring it up; I did not like the idea of being older or even older then him. I know Edward would stay with me at old age even but that would just be weird. He did not like the idea of me becoming what he is, but sometimes the greatest sacrifice could do so much.
"Bella I love you and I really don't want to discuss the issue anymore. I love you, and I'm always going to be here for you. I can hold you – just like this – in my arms till the end of time. No matter what the situation is, I won't let you go."
"I don't think anyone should judge when it comes to young love, because I was seventeen when I met Edward and I was head-over-heels for him and now I'm twenty and I know I still feel the same way about him. Edward was a constant in my life, he was the reason I stayed in Forks, reason that I wanted to go to school, and hell even go to prom. He was my everything and so much more… and when he left me, it was like someone had ripped my heart away. I lost my reason to live, to go to school, to go to school functions. I vaguely remember my dad talking to my mom, he referred to me as a lifeless zombie, but I was later told it was like I was catatonic. Love can be the greatest thing ever but it also hurts."
Dr. Morgan was still staring at me debating on what she should say next.
"With the time you spent with Edward, the love you shared. Was it worth it despite the depression?"
That would-could be the big debate. Right now I was more in the stare of getting help for my Post Traumatic Stress, and it was true that I was basically catatonic after I left so I did not feel much of anything, but still I was hurt emotionally. When Renee and Charlie told me where there were taking me I told myself that anything I ever felt for Edward was a big lie because the sooner I got my help, then I would not have to stay here forever; I had just told Edward that I never stopped loving him, and I still loved him.
"I don't know."
"Can I ask why?"
"Because if I were to say no I feel that I might be betraying Edward."
"But didn't he betray you?"
"Betrayal is too strong of a word, but yes it does go in that direction."
"You just said that and I quote when he left me, it was like someone had ripped my heart away. It should be easy to say no that the love you felt was not worth that pain."
"I part of me feels like I want to say no, but my love with Edward was the greatest thing that ever happened to me."
"You were young though, and have the rest of your life to find love again."
WOW! Some doctor! Is she trying to help me or just piss me off?
"DID YOU NOT HEAR A WORD I SAID?! I TOLD YOU KNOW ONE SHOULD JUGE WHEN IT COMES TO YOUNG LOVE!" I was angry again.
"Your right Bella," I looked over in the direction of a patient who was younger than me. Her name was Sarah, she was about sixteen years old with strawberry blonde hair, her height was about the same as Alice, but she was about three inches taller. I had actually listened to her talk in past sessions. Her parents were never happy with each other when she was growing up and they only stayed together because of Sarah and her siblings. She had talked about her boyfriend and how he was her escape from her parents, she had fallen in love too; if felt good to have someone on my side.
"Despite the hard times, love is the ultimate escape. If one chooses, then love can be the most wonderful thing ever as long as you don't have regrets; because regrets are monsters."
What Sarah had said really got to me – mostly her statement about regrets being monsters. I had never really had any regrets in my life – any that I remembered – but it seems no matter how I answered Dr. Morgan I would regret my answer. Edward was one of the best things that ever happened to me but look at where I am now, somewhere I don't want be but yet I know I need the help. I just did not have a simple answer. Was all the love I shared with Edward worth all this pain? The even sad part is I partially blame Edward for the other reason that I'm here. Victoria was the reason I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but I had to get through my depression first before confronting what Victoria did to me.
"Bella," A very sweet but sad voiced echoed towards me, I turned around face-to-face with Sarah.
"Hi."
"I just wanted to say how much I admired how you just stood your ground and yelled at Dr. Morgan."
That was when I realized I had regret and that Sarah was right, regrets are monsters.
"Yeah, but I probably should not have if I really want her help."
"Well she is our Doctor for a reason so she has to be good at her doctor, but I've been her for three years and Dr. Morgan tries to go straight to the core of things before taking the steps that gets too the core."
"Wow! Maybe you should be my doctor."
Sarah let out a little laugh at that comment.
"Well I do know this much, don't ever give up that fact that you loved Edward, cause in the end that can make or brake you."
I let out a laugh also, ever since the day I met Edward my life story was what she just said 'make or break you'.
"Well thank you," I spoke with a smile and walked away, I really did not want to get into any small talk. I did not even do small talk when I talked with Ava. I had no reason for small talk. From now on my focus would be getting help; for reasons I could not really explain – to anyone – Willow Harbor had a claustrophobic feeling to it.
On the journey back to my room I was stopped yet again. This time by Dr. Morgan.
"Isabella." Yep she only called me Isabella when she was serious. I guess I had done wrong by yelling at her.
"I was very impressed with the starting progress you made today in group."
I sighed in relief because knowing Dr. Morgan, the first things she would have brought up was me yelling at her. It also felt good to hear what she just said. Any type of progress was good with me.
"Yeah I think it was."
"I really hope to see more of that in group and private sessions. Which we will do one tomorrow."
"Okay," I hesitated with what I would say next, but I had too, for it would weigh on me for the rest of the night. "Are you mad?"
"Why would I be mad?" She spoke cheerfully.
"I yelled at you in group."
"I will admit you wouldn't be the first, but in all fairness it happens. I think I was waiting for you to yell."
"I'm sorry… you were waiting for me to yell? So, what everything you asked me in group was just coercion, and not an attempt to help me?"
"In a way it was both. Ever since you got here it's like you've been in your own little shell barely talking in group therapy and private sessions. I really needed to see you break out of that shell, and your yelling proved that to me. Thought my questions were honest and genuine, I was not lying when I said I was impressed with the progress you made today."
That was one of the best answers I had heard all day.
"Well for both our sakes can we not let that happen again? I'm usually not an angry person... well I've never been angry till Edward left me."
"About that, I need to ask-"
"Look, Dr. Morgan you just said you were impressed with the progress I made today, and I really do not want to talk anymore. I just want to go back to my room and sleep. I'll answer more of your questions tomorrow with our private session." I turned away from Dr. Morgan and walked back to my room uninterrupted.
Of course I should have known someone would interrupt me when I got settled for night. I was in bed reaching over too the lamp to turn it off when I heard a soft knock on the door and Ava entered.
"I see that your ready for bed so I won't take much of your time, I'm just delivering your mail."
"Oh, thank you." I said simply without making eye contact with her, I was really tired and not in a talking mood anymore.
She sat about three envelopes on my bed and left. I would look at them in the morning so I grabbed them and opened the drawer of the stand next to my bed, but then the top envelope not of normal size that caught my eye. There was no return address, but the lettering on it was calligraphy… right then and there I knew the letter was from Edward. So I opened it. Inside was a red rose and single piece of paper, with a written poem.
I look into these eyes
I see that you are mine
With all the tears you cried
I see this as the perfect time
To take those tears away
To bring you back to me
I make a plan to stay
I plan to make you see
You are the one for me
I love you Bella!
I read his poem over and over till I was really tired. This poem was very moving, but it also relayed a message, a message that I really now believed to be true. Edward will stop at nothing to get me back but on my end it would take a little time.
Page break
Okay so I hope that was long enough for you, and I will not make you wait two weeks again before I update. The poem I just made up, but I hope it's not already work because I'm not a plagiarist, so if it's a poem already out there I'm very sorry and give credit to its creator, but if it's not it's all mine. I just sat at the computer and it all just came to me. Please leave a review and chapter twelve will be coming your way!