Author's Notes: Anyone reading this knows that Nickelodeon owns the rights to Big Time Rush, right? I just like to play chess with the boys, moving them around as I see fit. This fic is more a series of snapshots than an actual progression of events, and I rely on mostly dialogue to tell the story. If you like it, please let me know. If you don't like it, please let me know because otherwise how will I ever improve?

So. We left off after the dance and makeout/up sessions, and Kendall's finally maturing enough to realize how much James means to him and that they are a real live couple. He's trying, guys, he really is, and he's stubborn but wants this to work because he loves James-the separation was enough to drive that home.

We have made it to BTAudition. I was extremely hesitant to even give a passing summary about the TV show itself, but I get that it's necessary to pull you back into the moment. So my descriptions of the events on the show may not match yours, but it's how I saw them.

OH! And I want to thank my Twitter buddy jamesmaslowshot for the inspiration and info on Adam Lambert. James is right—that guy is SEXY. :D

And I just want to thank you now for making it this far, because I'm probably going to lose a lot of readers after this chapter. I have my reasons for writing Kendall the way I do, and I hope you guys understand that Kendall does what he does here for James. It's the first unselfish thing he's ever done in his relationship with James, and in order for this fic to mesh with the TV show, it had to happen this way. If Kendall pisses you off and you don't want to read this anymore, I will love you anyway and say thank you for reading as much as you have. #bigtimegrouphug#

Over the next few months, Kendall becomes more and more comfortable with James in Logan's presence. While he doesn't show his attraction overtly, he is more affectionate with hugs and touches, and James appreciates the fact that Kendall is trying. He also loses his inhibitions in the bedroom, verbally expressing his feelings every chance he gets and practically mauling James whenever they're alone. Neither is ready to go all the way, though, so there's no resentment on that score.

There is resentment from Logan, though, who shows it through pissy comments whenever Kendall sits too close to James or tickles him mercilessly or suddenly says things like "James! Did you see that thing in my bedroom?" before dragging James away for no less than ten minutes at a time. Once Logan follows and finds the door locked—his own bedroom door is locked against him and there is a silence from behind it that makes his stomach queasy. Carlos does his best to distract Logan because he hates to see Logan hurting, but a part of him wants to just tell Logan everything so that he can begin the healing process and get over Kendall. Carlos' motives in this aren't selfish at all; he gave up on Logan after the dance, deciding that it wasn't worth all the anger and heartache when what he and Logan share is special in its own way.

January brings about a few changes in the routine. Mrs. Knight decides it would be a good idea to give Kendall more responsibility (and it wouldn't hurt to cut down his time with James, either, because the two of them are moving way too fast for their age), so she informs him he needs to get a job. He responds with logical, well-thought-out arguments against the idea but still doesn't win, and with her help he ends up working at the Sherwood grocery story on the weekends. Kendall complains that they don't need the money since Dad still sends her a monthly allowance to pay the bills and for whatever the kids need, and when she answers that there are more reasons than money to get a job, she backs up her point by getting a waitressing job of her own. James spends most of Kendall's shifts at Sherwood following him around, helping him stock shelves and round up shopping carts while talking about his future career as a star; this negates the idea of them having time apart but Mrs. Knight doesn't argue, and Carlos and Logan join them when they aren't busy studying or taking driving lessons from Carlos' dad. Carlos is a maniac behind the wheel and Logan dreads each session, but he also finds that driving is something he's really good at. It's all about control, and Logan is a master of control—at least in situations he can bend to his will.

It's a crazy afternoon in February when their lives change forever. Gustavo Rocque, mega-producer of outdated but former-world-famous boy bands, comes to Minnesota looking for the Next Big Thing. Kendall immediately springs into action, and with the aid of Logan, Carlos, and their aging neighbor Mrs. Majakowski, he gets James to that audition and forces him to take the step that might lead to The Dream becoming The Reality. James is hesitant and scared, not only because he's terrified of being shot down but because if this does go his way, it will mean the end of everything he's worked so hard to gain with Kendall.

Logan and Carlos audition as well; they know they have no chance but after Mr. Rocque's assistant Kelly reminds them of all that fame and fortune can bring, they take a shot. Logan returns in an almost catatonic state. He warns James not to even bother because the man is mean and scary, but Carlos goes in and has fun with it. He returns with a huge grin on his face because while his audition wasn't anything at all like what Mr. Rocque is looking for, it was epic in its own Carlosian way.

Kendall gives James a quick pep talk, reminding him this is an opportunity that will never come again, and when James still looks scared, Kendall literally shoves him through the door. Not about to miss the most important moment of his boyfriend's life, Kendall sneaks in to watch the audition along with the boys and Mrs. Majakowski, who is proving to be a better accomplice than they could have imagined.

James begins to sing and Kendall's heart explodes. This is what James was born for and his voice is exquisite. Kendall knows what this might mean for them, but seeing James up there on that stage singing into a microphone makes him so proud he wants to scream out to the world that James is amazing and beautiful and incredible and just...perfect.

And then something causes James' voice to crack with nerves, and he sends James an encouraging glance. James is about to start again when the evil, mean, scary man begins to insult him, and Kendall wonders if he heard wrong. He can't be serious. James stands up for himself even though his soul is shattered and Kendall's fingers squeeze the seat he's hiding behind hard enough to leave marks in it. When Mr. Rocque has the audacity to state that James has no talent, Kendall can no longer control himself. Nobody talks to his boyfriend like that—nobody.

Kendall approaches the man, yelling insults at him because James looks devastated and when James looks like that it sets off a fire in Kendall that makes him burn to destroy whatever caused it-never mind that Kendall himself has caused it in the past. He actually jumps up onto the table before the man and proceeds to mock him, shove him out of his seat, and make up a silly but insulting song about what a turd he is. He knows this isn't helping James' case at all, but damn it—nobody talks to James like that.

Eventually security steps in to restrain him and of course Carlos enters the fray because Carlos is all about defending his friends to the death. When James realizes his dreams are a lost cause, he jumps in as well because his friends are being attacked, and then Logan is there, too, and that's the way it should be. Even Mrs. Majakowski joins in the scuffle, brandishing her cane with admirable old-lady authority.

Finally the boys are returned to the Knight home by actual policemen. Logan is mortified that he has a criminal record. Carlos has no regrets. James looks like nothing so much as a puppy who's been kicked to the curb and Kendall can't wait be alone with him, desperate to make him smile again. In truth he is more than a little relieved that James isn't going anywhere, and that makes him feel like a total shit, but he would be lying if he said he was sorry it hadn't worked out.

Mrs. Knight hears the story and immediately gets it—she would have expected nothing less from the boys because they are all so protective of each other.

What surprises them all is Gustavo Rocque's arrival at the house soon after. Kendall watches James' entire demeanor go from defeated to ecstatic to shocked hurt in the space of ten seconds because it's not James that Mr. Rocque is there to see, but Kendall. After everything Kendall did, the man wants to take him to L.A. to record some songs because apparently he has a pretty good voice but more importantly, he has the fire that everyone, even James, has been lacking.

It's surreal. Kendall glances at James a couple of times but James isn't meeting his eyes. Carlos and Logan are stunned, but Mrs. Knight and Katie encourage him to think about it. It's not even an option, really; Kendall has no desire to be a singer or to move away from his friends, and besides, his dream is to play hockey. Preferably for the Minnesota Wild. Also, there's no way in hell he's leaving James. If James leaves him for this opportunity, that's totally different and understandable, but Kendall is not walking away from the one person who completes him; they've worked too hard to make this relationship work and it's finally on the right track and neither of them has ever been happier. The only thing that could ever pull Kendall away from James is the chance for James to follow his dreams.

Gustavo Rocque makes his exit with a bang. The Knight home returns to its typical Friday evening atmosphere except that the topic of discussion is, of course, the events of the last few hours. James is quieter than usual, prompting Kendall to give him questioning looks every two minutes and rush his mom to get them over to James' house. When Kendall goes to pack a bag for the weekend trip, James follows him into the bedroom.

"Hey, I'm not really in the mood tonight. You mind if I go home alone?"

Kendall raises an eyebrow at him. "I don't think you should be alone tonight."

"I'm fine. I just need some time to think. Some space."

"James, don't do this. Don't push me away."

"I'm not. You did everything you could to get me to that audition, and I'll love you forever for it. It's not your fault I'm not good enough."

"That guy's an idiot. He doesn't know what he's talking about, you are talented."

"That guy knows exactly what he's talking about. He has more platinum albums to his credit than Logan has books."

"Stop it, James. You know that's not true. You're gonna be famous and he'll be kicking himself later."

"Kendall..." There's so much. So much that James wants to say and he just doesn't have the energy or the brainpower right now. "I'm tired. I just want to go home and forget this ever happened. Please, babe. Give me one night to myself."

Kendall opens his arms in invitation. "Come here."

James shakes his head. "I'm gonna go. Please, Kendall. Don't fight me on this. I'm not up to it."

Kendall's heart screams at him to follow when James walks out of the room, but for once he gives in to James' wishes.

Kendall is lying on his bed staring at the ceiling when Logan enters and says, "Mama K took Carlos home, too."

"How come?"

"Probably because you're here."

Kendall looks up at Logan, who is staring down at him with hands in the pockets of his jeans. "I'm sorry."

"Why? It's your house, dude. And honestly? You should think about calling that guy back. I know it's not what you want to do with your life, but three months isn't a big deal. You'd have a lot of fun, meet some new people." Get away from James long enough to notice someone else for a change. When Kendall doesn't answer, Logan presses a knee into the mattress, nudging him. "Why'd you stay home?"

"James wanted to be alone."

"Is he okay?"

Kendall shrugs, then rolls over onto his side to face Logan. "I don't know. He won't talk about it."

Logan nods as if he expected that. He walks back to close the door, then returns to Kendall's bed, this time sitting on it. Kendall scoots back against the wall to make room for him, and he faces Kendall. "It's gotta be killing him," he concludes.

"Yeah. He thinks he's not good enough, all because that jerkoff said he isn't. But he is."

"Whether he's good or not, it doesn't really matter. James is going to take Gustavo seriously because of who he is."

"I could strangle that guy."

Logan smiles. "I think calling him a giant turd and shoving him out of his chair was a good substitute."

"Yeah, I don't know where that came from," Kendall laughs.

"Well, he hurt James. There's no way in hell you'd let that go."

Kendall nods against the pillow, a melancholy mood settling over him. "I want to call him."

"Why don't you?"

"Because." With a long sigh, Kendall rolls over onto his back as well as he can in the small space between Logan and the wall. "He wouldn't answer if I did. He's probably down in the basement feeling sorry for himself."

"I think he's allowed to do that tonight. He's gotta be devastated."

"But Gustavo Rocque is an idiot. Why can't James see that? James is the most talented person I know."

"I told you, Kendall. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he wasn't good enough—and that you were."

"Me?"

"Duh. You think that's not killing him? Didn't you see his face tonight? He looked like he wanted to murder you for a few seconds there."

"He did?"

"Kendall, what planet are you living on? Think about it. Imagine if he got an offer to join the Wild and you didn't. Because you didn't make the cut. How would you feel?"

"That would never happen."

Logan licks his lips before answering. "If it did. How would you feel?"

"Like...like my life was over. Like I've been working all these years for nothing."

"Exactly." Logan stretches out next to Kendall. "Devastated. And heartbroken."

"But I wouldn't shut him out."

"No?"

"Of course not! James is my..." Kendall trails off, his cheeks flushing.

"Your best friend?"

"Right."

"And so um...as long as we're on the subject, and I know this is long overdue...at what point did he replace me as your best friend?"

"Ah, Logan." Another long sigh because really, Kendall does not want to get into this tonight. Not right now. "James is..."

"Go ahead and say it. More fun than me. More exciting. Better looking. All of the above. I get that, and I know I can't compete, but I always thought we had something special."

"We do. Come on, we're still close. We sleep in the same room. I still sing you to sleep, for God's sake."

"When you're here."

There is so much pain in that one statement that Kendall's stomach clenches. He stretches out his arms to pull Logan against him, cuddling in a way they haven't since...well, he can trace it back. Since James came into his world and forced everything else into the background. "I know this has been hard on you. I don't know how to explain it."

"It makes me feel like I don't even exist when James is around. Don't get me wrong, I think we have great friends. Carlos is freaking insane, but somehow watching out for him keeps me sane. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, it kinda does. James is always saying that Carlos is good for you."

"Really? Wow. And hey, how come you and Carlos always tell me things that James says and it surprises me because they're things he would never say to my face? It would be nice to hear those things from him once in a while."

"I'll be sure to mention that next time I see him," Kendall teases. "'Hey James, Logan was bitching that you don't compliment him enough.'"

Logan smacks Kendall's shoulder. "I was just saying, dumbass. But don't change the subject. It hurts that you'd rather be with James all the time. And you still talk about him in your sleep."

Kendall isn't sure what surprises him more, that Logan admitted being hurt by his absence or the knowledge that he still talks in his sleep—about James. "You're exaggerating."

"No, I'm not. Sometimes I hear you thrashing around over there and it's...um..."

Crap. He knows. I'm so not in the mood for this talk right now. "Logan, I'm kind of worried about James. Can we have this conversation another time?"

"Fine. Because your precious James is hurting and he's all you seem to care about anyway. Maybe you should just go live with him from now on."

Logan's outburst shocks Kendall, and when Logan suddenly sits up to leave, he grabs Logan's arm. "Wait. Stop." But Logan rips his arm out of Kendall's grip and stands. "Damn it, Logan, I can't do this with you right now!"

"You never want to do this! Every time I bring up your obsession with James you push me farther away!"

"We can talk about it tomorrow, I promise, but right now-"

"You won't. You won't talk about it, you'll put me off again, and-"

"I won't, Logan. I promise. Can you give me some time to-"

And whoa. Whoa, are those Logan's lips smashing into his? And why does this even surprise me? I always knew he felt this way, so why didn't I see this coming? Kendall isn't sure how to respond, he's desperate to keep Logan in his life, terrified to push him away, but James...

James.

Two seconds before Kendall would have stopped the kiss, Logan does it for him. He's staring at Kendall like some kind of weird thing he's never seen before. Oh, fuck.

"Wow. That was...not like I imagined it at all."

"Logan, I'm sorry. I wish I could love you like that, and please don't hate me because you mean everything to me and I can't lose you, please Logan. I love you, just not that way." God, please help me through this because I don't want to hurt him.

Logan is still staring at him in wonder.

"Logan!"

"I don't...I didn't..." Logan closes his mouth, his eyes, and then starts again. "I thought it would be more...you know. Fireworks."

"Fireworks."

"Yeah. You know?"

"Okay. So...no fireworks?"

"Huh-uh. Weird."

Kendall can't keep it in anymore, a giggle is rising and and he finally lets it out. "Gee, I'm sorry to disappoint you."

"I know, right? What was that?" Logan falls onto the bed and onto Kendall, who hugs him while they both laugh through the awkward moment. "This is nuts. I always thought kissing you would be like...like..."

And now it's time; Kendall feels that he can finally do this, and he finishes for Logan in an apologetic tone, "Like when James kisses me?"

Okay, maybe Logan isn't ready for that yet, but it's too late now. His eyes do that wide-as-saucers-oh-my-GOD thing, and all traces of amusement vanish. "So it's true. That explains a lot."

"I wanted to tell you, Logan."

"Um, no. No, you didn't, so don't even try. Because I know you, and I know you never wanted to have this discussion with me. Ever. Which is why it's taken you over a year to say anything. And when did this start? The first time you went to his house?"

"No, a long time after that. I don't even really know when we crossed over into...whatever we are now."

Logan raises his eyebrows. "Whatever you are now? You don't even know?"

"I guess he's my boyfriend?" Kendall shrugs.

"Wow." Logan shakes his head. "Okay, if you ever described me like that after a year or so of...whatever you two do together? I'd have to slap you. Right before I broke up with you."

"Look, we're finally okay. We've had a rough time figuring out where we stand and what we want, but right now things are good. He knows I love him."

"Ohhhhh. I get it."

"What?"

Logan chuckles because Kendall is so precious, yet so maddening. He can only imagine the hell Kendall has put James through. "He probably knew you loved him long before you did, right? And it took you forever to realize it yourself?"

"None of that matters, Logan. We're together and we're happy and I'm not afraid anymore."

"I suspected this. It's been getting obvious. Oh my God. Carlos! He knows, doesn't he? It all makes sense now!"

"Carlos knows. I think. We've never discussed it. And um...Mom knows."

"What? You told her? Wait, what am I saying? You wouldn't even tell me. So that means James told her."

"She found out by accident. And the only reason I didn't tell you is because I was afraid to hurt you. You mean just as much to me as James does, and it would kill me to lose you."

Logan crosses his arms over his chest and studies Kendall, who is still sitting on the bed. "I'm not sure that's a good thing."

"What's not a good thing?"

"Have you guys talked about your relationship at all? Like...discussed what you are to each other?"

"Yes. He belongs to me." At Logan's expression of disbelief, he adds, "Wait. That came out wrong. We're together. He is my boyfriend." And it feels good to say it with certainty.

"Okay, so then shouldn't James mean more to you than me?"

"No, because it's a different kind of love. We're more like brothers, but best friends. My feelings for James are totally different. Like when somebody looks at him and they like what they see, I want to impale them on my hockey stick."

Logan laughs. "So there's jealousy. Yeah, I can see that now. But I used to feel that kind of jealousy for you, when James first started hanging out with us."

"Used to? Logan, you just kissed me because you thought I cared more about him than you. I think it's still going on."

"Yeah...I guess..." But his eyes glaze over as he gets lost in thought.

"So why aren't you freaking out? I spent forever being afraid to tell you because I thought you'd freak out and want to kill James and I didn't want to hurt you. But you're...not."

"I know." Logan tilts his head. "It's weird. I would've expected that, too."

"So what happened? You don't love me anymore, Logie?" Kendall teases.

"Dude, I don't know. This is so weird. I mean, kissing you, like...it just wasn't what I thought it would be."

"You've thought about kissing me?"

"Duh. You're hot and you're my best friend."

"Um. Thanks?"

Logan grins, then shoves Kendall over to make room to sit. "So how come I don't hate you right now for choosing James over me?"

"That's what I wanna know."

"What, are you sad? You want me to freak out and go attack James?"

"I don't know. Maybe a little bit."

"Oh my god, Kendall, you are so ridiculous. How does James put up with you?"

"He loves me. Even when I act like a moron and ask girls to a dance."

"Oh, is that what that was about? Wait, you were with him and you still went with Mandy? Are you insane? No, I can answer that. Not insane, just stupid."

"I did it for you! You wanted to go and I knew you wouldn't go without me."

"So? You didn't have to go with a girl! You could have gone alone, like Carlos and James did. You're such an idiot!"

"So you've said. Like a thousand times. Can we move past that part of the conversation?"

"No, because I'm just now realizing all the things you've done to James. My God, seriously? How does he still want to be with you?"

"Alright already! I'm a jerk, I get it! I'm done being stupid. He's my boyfriend and no, I'm not ready to tell the whole world. So don't even go there."

"No, I get that. That's going to be hard when you do. How does this fit in with James' whole image thing?"

"I don't know. Have you noticed that he's not as into it as he used to be?"

"Yeah, but I think that's cause he's with us. He can be more himself when it's just the four of us. When you guys were fighting, he seemed to get back into it a lot. Wait. Wait wait wait just a minute."

"What?"

"How is he going to marry Nicole Scherzinger if he's dating you? Didn't he just say that today?"

"Oh. Yeeeeeah. He's been saying things like that to throw you off. I kind of asked him to."

Logan is speechless for a moment, shaking his head in wonder. "How. How does he still want to be with you? I'm sorry, but I would have dumped your ass a long time ago."

"No, you wouldn't, because you love me to death and you're always going to."

"But I'm not your boyfriend! I would never let somebody walk all over me like that! And here I thought James was the tough one out of all of us. Man, you really messed him up, didn't you?"

For the first time since getting involved with James, it gets through to him. Maybe it's because Logan is the one saying it, or maybe it's just because somebody is saying it, but Kendall feels his stomach rise up into his throat as it hits him.

What have I done to him?

Sensing that something monumental is going on in Kendall's head, Logan speaks hesitantly. "He still loves you, Kendall. It's not too late to make it up to him. And it sounds like you've already started doing that."

But Kendall doesn't answer. He just lies back on the bed, pale and nauseous.

I love him so much. All I want is for him to be happy. But I'm the one making him miserable.

What have I done to him?

Kendall lies awake most of the night wondering how he can ever make it all up to James and praying that James won't hate him when the sun comes up.

He doesn't turn on any lights at the house, but instead walks through the darkness until he is down in the basement. There he lights only enough candles to illuminate the rink so that he won't crash into the boards. The candles were Kendall's idea, and they've skated by their light quite a few times; he chooses not to think about what else they've done by candlelight down here.

Thinking about Kendall hurts tonight.

As he skates around in circles, James allows the tears to flow. It really isn't Kendall's fault. It's not fair to blame him. But it's also not fair that Kendall seems to get what James wants. The lead in the school play is a good example; if Kendall had chosen to continue with drama, he most likely would have stolen all of James' parts. Now he has stolen what James wants most—The Dream.

Kendall doesn't even want to be famous. He threw away the opportunity that James has been waiting for his whole life, like it's something that happens every day, no big deal. He treated it like a joke. And Gustavo Rocque still didn't even look at James.

It's not fair.

The worst part of all this is that James understands where Gustavo is coming from. He knows better than anyone else that Kendall possesses that fire; it's what drew him in from the start. James knows he's pretty, he knows he has the look down to an art, and he even has the walk and talk to back it up. What he's missing, apparently, is that fire. And maybe it's time to admit to himself that he's just not good enough.

Why am I good enough at hockey, but not what I really want? James shakes his head thinking about that. He and Logan have been contacted no less than three times each from universities in the area; recruiters are wooing them already for hockey scholarships. They both agreed that they would rather be tortured to death than let Kendall find out, because it would devastate him.

It's not fair. It's my dream. I've worked my whole life for this. It's all I ever wanted.

But that's not exactly true, is it? It was true until he met Kendall. Once again, James is forced to admit that Kendall has taken center stage in his life. But I love him. I can't help it, I've tried to stop and I know he's a distraction, but he's amazing. And he's mine. Finally, he's totally and completely mine and I'm not giving that up.

So you're going to give up your Dream instead?

What dream? I had my shot and I blew it. I'm not good enough.

You're also arguing with yourself. You might have gone off the deep end. Blame Kendall. It's all his fault.

Stop it. He's amazing and of course Gustavo is going to see that. Everyone sees that. Sometimes I wish I could unsee it.

So break it off. Tell him you need to focus on your future.

I can't. I love him. I want to be with him more than anything else.

Then say goodbye to fame.

Maybe I don't need fame. Maybe we'll all end up playing hockey together, and I can still be with Kendall.

Quit making decisions based on him. It's your life.

But without him, I have no life. He's my everything.

You've made him your everything.

He loves me.

He still gets what you want.

I told you. He's amazing. He can't help it.

And you hate him for it.

Sometimes.

So forget about him. Start living your own life, the way you used to before he took it over.

I love him.

"I love him," James says aloud. "And I hate him, too. It's not fair!" He doubles over and falls to his knees. The ice is freezing cold but he doesn't even feel it. "Fuck!"

When James finally drags himself upstairs to bed, the sky is pink and his room is bathed in a rosy glow. He collapses onto the mattress and falls into a dead sleep, still no closer to knowing what to do about Kendall. What he does know is that being around Kendall always seems to somehow lead to pain, and he's tired of hurting.

Things almost feel back to normal the next morning. Even with James being thrown into the penalty box twice for being a bit too overzealous with his stick, their team still manages to completely shut out the opposing championship team and it seems Kendall is finally going to see his own dream of making it to the state finals come true. He's still on a high from it when he goes to work later that day, but apparently he's the only one. Carlos and Logan keep bringing up the missed opportunity with the Rocque guy, and James won't even look at him. Every time Kendall tries to talk to him, James suddenly finds someplace else to be or someone else to talk to and it makes him even more desperate to fix the situation.

James, please. Talk to me. Don't hate me. Don't shut me out.

It's when he's gathering shopping carts that the idea comes to him. Logan starts harping again about how Kendall was stupid to not take the offer, and why is Logan so dead-set on getting rid of him suddenly? Kendall can almost see why Carlos wants him to go, and it isn't just because Carlos would die for the chance himself; Carlos sees James hurting and knows who keeps causing it. Both of them pester Kendall into rethinking the offer, but one look at James would be enough to kill the idea even if he was tempted.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay here and spend the rest of my life making James happy. If he'll let me, that is.

The silence is finally too much and Kendall cracks, addressing James' silence even though he knows where it's coming from. James confirms his fears by admitting that he hates Kendall at the moment and possibly forever, although Kendall may be imagining that last part. What makes it worse is that James encourages him to take the offer. James wants him to have everything he has always wanted for himself, and it may be that James wants Kendall out of his life, but Kendall can also see that there is love behind it. James wants Kendall to have it all because for some unfathomable reason, James thinks that Kendall deserves it, and that makes Kendall want to grab onto James and never let go.

Carlos is still going on about how Kendall should call that guy back and Logan is agreeing with everything Carlos says, which is weird enough in itself, and James is whipping copies of magazine covers out of his jacket, and has the whole world gone crazy? Although that headshot of James as a bad boy really needs some attention later, maybe when things have calmed down and Kendall can remind James how much fun it is to roleplay, and where is my brain going? If I don't figure out a way to fix all this pain and hurt I've caused him, he'll never even let me kiss him again. And now he's trying to get rid of me again by throwing my own words back at me and...

Wait. Wait, that magazine cover. Boy bands. Boy bands.

Can it really be so simple? Can there really be a solution that will make everyone happy? Kendall doesn't even know if it would work, in fact it probably wouldn't, but the idea takes hold and even if Gustavo Rocque shoots it down in a second, Kendall will come out looking like a hero in James' eyes and isn't that what matters most? There really isn't any part of Kendall that wants to leave Minnesota and the life he has here, but if his friends could be there with him, if James could have that chance he so desperately needs, it would all be worth it. Kendall knows how to push Rocque's buttons, the guy would be so easy to manipulate, and could this really work?

So what if it doesn't? I can try. And James will love me again because I tried.

And yes, Kendall is more than a little proud of himself for this stroke of genius. He calls Kelly and tells her he's reconsidered the offer. Kelly and the Giant Turd Producer arrive at Sherwood's and it feels like an Old West showdown to Kendall, who is not going to back down first. The boys whisper last-minute advice to him as he approaches Rocque, and he has to admit that he's a little intimidated. But then he remembers the way James has been ignoring him, the pain in James' eyes the night before and even today, and he stiffens his spine and pitches the idea to Rocque.

"I'll go to L.A. with you and record some demos—IF you take my buds and make us a singing group."

And fuck yes, that look from James is priceless. He wants to take me home right now and eat me up and babble on and on about how much he loves me. This was so worth it. He registers the reactions of Carlos and Logan just enough to know that they too are astounded and in awe of him, and this has to be one of the coolest things he's ever done.

Rocque bellows at him about how it's never gonna happen, but Kendall can see right through the bluster. Holy shit, I think it worked. I think we're really gonna do this.

The rest of the afternoon passes in a blur of arrangements with his mom as well as discussions with James' and Carlos' parents. It's no surprise that James' parents offer no argument at the thought of his absence for three months, and even Carlos' mom seems a tiny bit relieved; no one doubts her love for him, but they all know she doesn't have the first clue how to handle him, and while Carlos' father isn't happy about it, he isn't home enough to really have a say in the matter.

It isn't until after dinner when Mrs. Knight is driving them to James' house for one last night that Kendall starts to think about what it all means for him and James. He'd thought only about getting James to forgive him and about making it up to James, and now that they're past that point Kendall is forced to think about what their lives are going to be like now. What he realizes rips a ragged hole through his heart.

All that matters is James. Whatever it takes. I made him a promise a long time ago that I would do whatever it takes, everything it takes, to make him famous. I can't hold him back now, no matter how much it hurts either of us. James Diamond, you're going to be a star, and the three of us are going to help you get there.

Even if it kills me.

"Did you see his face?"

"Did you hear him yell?"

"I think the entire state of Minnesota heard him yell. And Kendall! I can't believe he talked to him like that!" Logan laughs just thinking about it.

Carlos joins him in the laughter. "Kendall's got some cojones. He's the coolest person I've ever known. How does he get away with that shit?"

"It's Kendall. He can get away with anything."

"Not unsportsmanlike mooning."

"Okay, so that's one time Kendall got in trouble. But he wouldn't have been caught if you hadn't bragged about it two minutes after the incident."

"What, you think I'm gonna do something that epic and keep quiet about it?" Carlos shifts into a more comfortable position against Logan in Logan's bed. Kendall's bed hasn't been touched by him in months. "This is so exciting. I can't believe we're going to L.A., dude!"

"It's pretty cool. Kendall's so unselfish when it comes to all of us."

"I was thinking about that. We're gonna miss the rest of the championship games."

"Yeah. Coach was livid, did you hear him yelling at Mama Knight on the phone?"

"Yeah. She was awesome, though."

Logan sighs, content in the moment. "I don't think we'll be able to sleep tonight."

"What do you think it's gonna be like out there?"

"Hot. Possibly humid as well. But sunny for sure, and there's beaches everywhere-"

"And smokin' girls. In bikinis."

"Right. You must have mentioned girls to Kendall about a million times today."

"Well it's true, isn't it?"

"I guess. But do you really think Kendall's going to care about girls when he's got James right there?"

Carlos shrugs, surprised Logan sounds so accepting of it and moving on. "This is gonna be so weird. Do you really think we can sleep together every single night and not kill each other?"

"No, and thank God we don't even have to try."

"You think James and Kendall won't want to-" Carlos stops talking. "Oh. Logan." He sits up and touches his hair as if searching for the safety of his helmet, then lets his hands fall to his lap and fidget. "Dude. There's something we have to talk about, and I'm not the one who should be telling you all this, but it has to happen now because if it comes out later it could cause a lot of problems and I don't want it to ruin our chances-"

"If you're gonna tell me about Kendall and James, I already know."

The shocked expression on Carlos' face is priceless. "You do? Since when?"

"Last night. Kendall told me."

"And...really? You're still speaking to him? And James? You haven't tried to murder him yet?"

"Jeez, Carlos, was it that obvious that I had a thing for Kendall?"

"You're a genius and all, but you're stupid when it comes to feelings."

"Thanks, asswipe."

"So how come you're not freaking out?"

"I'm not getting into the details with you, but Kendall and I talked it all out. We're cool."

"You don't have to give me details, but you owe me something. At least explain to me how you're okay with this."

"I just am. We worked through it, and we're best friends, and that's what matters."

"Wow. I can't believe you're so calm about it." Carlos again lowers himself to the bed and lays his head on Logan's shoulder. "You're really not mad?"

"I was. But it's obvious that he and James belong together, so...hey, Carlos? Have you ever kissed anyone?"

"Uh...you'd know if I had. Same with you, right?"

Logan ignores that and moves on. "What do you think it's like? How do you think it feels?"

"Pretty amazing."

"Like fireworks, right?"

"Yeah. For sure. I mean, when my mom and dad kiss it's not like that, but they've been together forever."

"And it might be like that when they're alone."

"Dude! Ew!"

Logan chuckles. "I'm just saying. But it's supposed to be powerful, like...like knock-you-off-your-feet stuff, right?"

"That's what I always heard."

"That's what I think, too."

"I guess we'll find out someday, right? Maybe even in sunny California, with girls and beaches and palm trees, aaaaaahhhhh!"

"You're such a dork." Logan shifts his head to lean against Carlos'. "Hey, before we leave tomorrow, will you visit my mom with me? I know we're coming back and all, but...I want to say goodbye. Leave some flowers."

"Sure thing, buddy. We can pick some of my mom's roses."

"Are there yellow ones? She liked yellow."

"Yeah. And if we can't find any pretty ones, we'll stop at the store."

"'kay. Thanks."

"Yeah. Night, Logan."

"Night, Carlos."

It's so hot that Logan is panting, tongue swollen and dry while he tries to catch his breath, but it's amazing. So good that he's moaning because Carlos' tongue is like a snake slithering over his stomach as it moves lower, lower, and Logan is hard, straining against his pajama pants. "Carlos," he begs, "please, now, need you, don't tease me..." Carlos lifts his head to grin at Logan, and are those fangs? "Ohhhhh, Goooooood, yeeeeeeesssss."

Logan's eyes fly open. His hand is inside his pants and it's dark and there is a warm body next to him. Carlos. Unlike most dreams, this one is sticking with him and he can remember every second of it, every sensation. He's even panting while awake, having a difficult time catching his breath. And it is hot; maybe the heater was left on again instead of on auto, or maybe it's just because he was dreaming his friend was about to do something insanely erotic to his body.

Logan sits up fast. Carlos? Really?

He licks his lips and looks down at the sleeping form next to him. Dark eyebrows on smooth, caramel skin, lips full and dry as they vibrate with each exhale. An irresistible urge to lick them comes over Logan and he has to look away.

Carlos.

The feeling is not going away, not even fading. Whoa. Carlos.

"Carlos. Carlos, wake up."

Nothing. And Logan's going to scream because he's about to overheat.

"CARLOS." He shakes him this time.

"Huh? What do you want, I'm sleeping here."

"Wake up."

"I'm awake, what?" Carlos rubs his face. "It's still nighttime, what's going on?"

"I'm not sure. I don't have a fucking clue. But I have to do something. We have to do something." Logan pulls the covers off Carlos before crawling up toward him.

Carlos' eyes widen. "Am I gonna need my helmet?"

"Yeah. Probably." But Logan doesn't let him move, pinning him to the bed with his eyes and his elbows around Carlos' shoulders. "I'm gonna kiss you now. And you're gonna let me."

Carlos blinks a few times. He licks his lips and gives Logan a tiny nod, and then Logan is on him, tongue pushing in and forcing Carlos to open his mouth, and fireworks? Somewhere in the sky there is a sonic boom, maybe even an atomic bomb is being detonated in the next room because HOLY FUCK this must be what Kendall feels when James kisses him and no wonder they always want to be alone!

Carlos is returning the kiss with the kind of primal need that is running through Logan's body, and Logan finally understands why Carlos acts the way he does sometimes. Apparently this idea is nothing new to him, and it makes Logan want to laugh because he scolded Kendall so badly for putting James through that same kind of hell. I guess I'm an idiot, too.

He's giddy when he finally pulls back for air. For the first time since meeting Carlos, everything feels right. Everything makes sense. Logan can't stop grinning.

And the best part? He can feel Carlos' reaction digging into his thigh.

"You're an idiot."

Logan nods. "I know."

"A moron. I can't believe you're doing this now."

"Now?"

"Yes, now! I finally gave up on you and we're starting new lives tomorrow and you go and do this?"

"Carlos, it's okay. I get it now, I was stupid not to realize it before, but I was so into Kendall and I didn't know how-"

"I know. I was there. But I got tired of waiting and you know what I fell asleep dreaming about tonight? Girls. Girls, Logan. Because I'm ready to give them a try."

Logan sits up slowly. "Look, I know it took me forever and I'm sorry, and you can call me whatever bad names you want to for the rest of our lives, but this is right. This has to happen because it's meant to be."

"I'm not doing this with you. Not after everything we've been through."

"What have we been through? You know that when we argue it doesn't mean anything, right? You've always known that."

"Yeah, except for when we argued over Mary."

"Mary? Oh, Carlos, no, okay...I was stupid, I didn't know how you felt, and if I had known-"

"It doesn't matter. It hurt. I'm fifteen years old, I shouldn't have to feel that kind of pain."

"But it's not gonna happen anymore. It's out in the open, and I realize how I feel about you now, and I'm sorry. I was an idiot."

"Logan, I don't wanna end up like James."

"Wha—James?"

"I've watched him suffer for almost two years."

"But it worked out. They're happy now. It just took them a long time to get it right."

"You don't know how hard it's been for him, Logan."

"Yes, I do. I mean, I do now."

"I don't want to take that chance with you. I'm not ready for something that has the power to make me want to kill myself when it doesn't work out."

"You? Carlos! You're always the first to take a chance, to rush in and try things!"

"Those are things that don't matter. Physical. Bones mend. My heart won't."

"What are you even...so wait. Wait, you're breaking up with me before we even go out? Because I might hurt you?"

Carlos shrugs. "Yeah. I want to be a teenager while I can. I'm not gonna spend three months in California pining over somebody."

"Carlos! You won't be pining! I'll be right there!"

"Not good enough."

"What do you want? Just tell me, I'll do it, you can have whatever you want from me! Carlos, there were fireworks! Fireworks!"

Carlos answers with a sad smile. "I know. It was awesome."

"And you're gonna give that up?"

After a long moment, Carlos nods. "Yeah. I don't wanna get hurt. I'm not ready to give my heart up to somebody like that. Not even you."

"So...what?" Logan's voice cracks with the tears that spring to his eyes. "We're just gonna act like this never happened? You think I can do that?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry I'm hurting you. You're my best friend, man. I don't wanna lose that because there's nothing more important to me. Please, be my friend, because that's what I need most. We're all gonna need to stick together out there."

Though he devotes more than ten minutes trying to think of something, there's nothing more that Logan can say. Instead he cries himself back to sleep with Carlos wrapped around him, holding him until the shaking stops.

"James, will you come back to bed? You haven't been to sleep at all yet, have you?"

"Who can sleep? I'm too excited!" James moves around the room in circles. "Kendall, you were so incredible! I can't believe you talked to The Gustavo Rocque like that. And got away with it!"

Kendall smirks. "Always do."

"And you made it so I can have everything I want! I was so confused, and conflicted, and angry, and...now it's all good. I get you and fame. You're the best boyfriend ever." James runs to the bed and climbs in next to Kendall, snuggling in close and sighing. "This right here. This is what I'm looking forward to most. Sharing a bed with you every single night instead of just twice a week."

The sudden rigidness in Kendall's body sets off a tiny pool of dread in James' stomach. He looks up and Kendall's expression turns the pool into an ocean. "Kendall?"

"Okay, look. Me and Logan are gonna share a room. We already talked about it."

James' limbs are like deadwood. "You...what? Why?"

Kendall is gathering up courage, James can feel it, and no no no no no. No no no, Kendall, no. Whatever you're thinking, don't. Don't do it.

"You know that this changes everything, right?"

"This changes nothing."

"James, you're not thinking." Kendall scoots away from him so they can look at each other.

"I am thinking. I'm thinking that I love you and we're together and it's gonna stay that way."

"No. We're gonna be in a band. In the spotlight. We have to keep up an image, which you understand better than anybody else. There can't be any embarrassing secrets."

"You mean we're gonna have to keep hiding this. It's just three months, we've hidden it for much longer than that."

"No. James. This?" Kendall points back and forth between them. "This can't happen out there."

Oh, so this is what his mom means when she talks about having a panic attack. Yeah, that's why she takes pills. Because she can't breathe and feels like she's about to pass out.

"James? Breathe, baby."

And this is why I hate you sometimes.

"James. Look, think about it. It's not just about us anymore, okay? This involves Carlos and Logan too, and we have to think about them now. They want this so bad. I'm not gonna do anything to ruin it for them. Or for you. We can't take any chances."

"We'll be careful. You know Carlos will cover for us. And Logan isn't even a problem anymore, you said he was fine with this. Kendall, I can't lose you again. Not after everything we've been through."

"I love you, James. You know I do. You think this is easy for me? You think it's not gonna kill me to live with you twenty-four/seven and not be able to kiss you? Why do you think I'm not sharing a room with you? Because I can't trust myself. I won't be able to keep my hands off you if we're alone like that."

"I finally have everything I want, and you're taking it away from me. I shouldn't even be surprised, because when have you ever made this easy? When have you ever just loved me without putting restrictions on it?"

"I do love you. God, James, I love you so much it makes me crazy. But I promised you I would do whatever it takes to make your dreams come true. Even if it kills me. And this is what it's going to take. What's most important is that we're all together, right? That you're gonna get what you've always wanted, you're gonna be famous, and we'll be right there next to you?"

"I don't want to start over. We've come too far. I can't spend three months pretending I don't care and not let it affect me. Affect us."

"I know things are gonna change. I don't like it, but it has to happen this way. It's what you deserve, it's your dream."

"What about your dream? What about the Wild?"

Kendall shrugs. "They'll still be here in three months." But you won't. What the fuck am I doing? James, please talk me out of this. Please.

"Kendall..." James is having an anxiety attack again because the idea of being with Kendall all the time but not being with Kendall at all is like being pushed off a cliff without a parachute. He just doesn't know how to do it.

Kendall nods slowly, fighting back his own tears. "I know. It's the only way, James."

"I can't go through this back-and-forth shit anymore. It's tearing me up. Even if we fail and come back in a week or something...I can't do this anymore. You're willing to give this up completely?"

"Not really. If I thought it could work, you know I wouldn't give it up. But you know what I thought about last night?" Besides the fact that I'm a jerk who doesn't deserve you?

James doesn't answer.

"I was thinking about our fight. How focused you were when I wasn't there to distract you. And how incredible you are when you put on the pretty, when you become The Face."

A sad smile creases James' face. "You think it's ridiculous. Don't lie."

"Yeah, but it's also amazing. The more I watched you, the more I wanted to just take you down every time I saw you because you're insanely hot. I was a mess by the time we made up, remember? Couldn't keep myself away from you for five seconds. You have so much to offer, such a fantastic future ahead of you. And it's not fair for me keep that all to myself. The world needs James Diamond."

But what James Diamond needs is you. "We could call Kelly right now and tell her it's off. That we changed our minds and-" The panic is so intense he feels like he could shake into a million pieces.

"James. No. You can do this. It's what you were made for. And you know I'm right. You're just scared." Kendall wraps his arms around James and pets his hair, something that always soothes him. "I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right next to you. All the way."

Slowly the panic recedes and all that's left is heartache. "I don't know if I can pretend I don't care."

"Of course you can. Your acting is fantastic."

"So is yours."

"All the better."

"I can't do this."

"You did it when we weren't speaking. Had me convinced you didn't care. I thought you really were into Sarah for a minute and it freaked me out."

"God, Kendall, what are we supposed to do, go after girls now?"

"I don't know. I just know that we can't do anything that might ruin this for you. Or for the boys, because they're beyond excited. There are paparazzi everywhere; you should know that, you watch 'TMZ' all the time."

"That's so I'll know how to handle them when the time comes."

"Now is that time."

"Kendall, you act like we're gonna be famous overnight. It doesn't work like that."

"You still have to be ready for anything, because those guys dig deep into your past. Imagine if you were on the brink of superstardom and they found a picture of us kissing or making out."

"Adam Lambert's gay and he's amazing. Sexiest thing ever besides you. And totally famous."

"He didn't officially come out until after 'Idol.' Do what you want after you make it to the top, but until you get there, you have to watch your back." Kendall smirks and nudges James' shoulder. "You taught me that. Be James Diamond. Own him."

"I am him."

"So show everybody that. The Face is what hooked me from the start, even though it was still a work in progress."

"And now?"

Kendall tilts James' chin toward him. "And now it's everything about you. You said you didn't think I loved you as much as I thought I did? The truth is I love you way more than I ever realized."

James sees that it's true, feels it in the way Kendall holds him and the way his voice gets a little bit whiny at the end. "I don't want this to end. You're killing me, Kendall. Killing us. I can't forgive you if you do this. There's no going back."

"I know. I'll probably regret this a thousand times over the next few months, but...I have to give you up."

"Even if I end up hating you?"

"You won't. You know I'm right."

"I hate you right now."

Kendall nods. "I kind of hate myself, too."

James lies awake for a long time after Kendall drops off to sleep. After tossing and turning, he gets up to use the bathroom, his mind a whirlwhind. He's washing his hands when the voice speaks up again.

He made the decision for you. Isn't that what you wanted? A decision one way or the other?

I wanted what I almost had. Everything. Kendall, a chance at fame, my best buds along for the ride...

You'll never get anywhere with Kendall demanding all of your attention. He was holding you back.

I liked being held back by him.

Now you don't have a choice. He dumped you.

He didn't dump me.

Yeah, he basically did.

How am I supposed to do this without him?

Focus. Not on him, but on The Dream. Meet famous people, go to parties, have fun for a change. And let The Face become who you are all the time.

He's gonna meet new people, too. How am I supposed to deal with that?

You have to stop caring. He dumped you. Stomped on your heart. AGAIN. Remember that, remember this feeling right here every time you're tempted to cry over him. He's doing you a favor. Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime, isn't that what Kendall always says?

Fuck Kendall.

Now you're talking. It's all about you, James. Eyes on the prize. This is what you've wanted your whole life, before Kendall ever came around, before you lost your way. Let him make you famous. If anybody can make it happen, he can.

We're doing this as a team. It's about all of us.

No, James. NO. That's how you lost your focus. Let Kendall look after the boys; it's what he does best. You look out for you.

Me.

You. James Fucking Diamond.

"It's all about me," James says aloud. There is heartache, there is anger, there is so much more than he can deal with right now, and so he doesn't deal with it at all; he simply shoves it all into a box in the attic of his heart, mentally writing "Do Not Open" on it.

When he wakes up the next morning, he has jumped off that cliff and is free-falling. A new life is about to begin, and he can't wait to see where it takes him.