Episode 11: If You Say So

Jane stood outside Mike's office on the campus of BCU. She was working up the nerve to talk to her sister again. She wasn't sure what she had been thinking months ago and all her therapy had helped her work through some things that she hadn't wanted to confront. One of those was the fact that her father had another child. Her baby sister was someone that she wanted to have a relationship with, but she hadn't pursued it after the one night that she went to talk to her before leaving town. She was mad at not only herself but also her sister for taking Maura's side in everything.

It had taken her months to deal with her anger. She had to leave to find herself, to begin anew, to see how self destructive she really was. And, then when she found out about Maura, she let it all go to come home. She realized how much she needed Maura and how much Maura needed her. It wasn't a true codependency. It was just how they were. They survived together. When she shot herself, Maura helped put her back together. When she jumped off the bridge, Maura was the one that called her reckless and stupid. But, Maura had never left her side no matter what she'd done. Maura was the one that never let her break apart. She was the one that helped Jane stay sane. She was the one that made Jane feel like she still had a purpose and a reason to keep fighting. Maura had given up on them because Jane had left. She walked away. She was the reason she was in pain. She'd left Maura before Maura had left her.

She had been working on her relationship with Maura. Things were starting to get back to their normal...their normal before Jane left. They both seemed happy with how things were going. They were starting over, but they were doing it together. They had acknowledged where they'd failed each other and their relationship. And, Jane was taking more time to work on her own issues, but she was staying in Boston. She knew that it was important for not only herself, but Maura as well.

But, that wasn't what brought her to her sister's door. Maura knew that family was important to her and told her to work on her relationship with her sister. It wasn't that Jane had been rude, but she'd left without a word. And, she felt like she owed her sister some sort of explanation.

She knocked on her door and waited. A few minutes later it opened and she looked at her sister. The thought about her being a "mini me" ran through her head quickly, but was easily dismissed. Mike's blue eyes weren't hard or cold as they looked back at Jane.

"Do you want to come in?" Mike asked her simply.

"If I can," Jane replied.

"So what brings you by? I figured that you'd left Boston and weren't planning on coming back. Your mother seemed to be worried about you, then for you, and then she got very angry. I must say that she is rather dramatic, but loving. I am not sure that I would have survived growing up in your house with her. But, I think that it is amazing that you did without too many issues."

"I'm not sure about not having issues, but she's my Ma. She loves me. I know she does, but sometimes, I'll admit, it is too much. "

"What brings you over?"

"I came to apologize to you," Jane told her.

"For what?"

"Disappearing on you like that. It wasn't right. It wasn't your fault that our father died. It wasn't your fault that my life was falling apart and I was letting it without a fight. I'm actually ashamed of myself for how I acted."

"Why did you do it?" Mike asked her.

"I gave up."

"But, why? You've been shot, stabbed, and whacked with a lead pipe. You've stared death in its face, but yet you still walked away. What was so different this time that you gave up completely? That is what I don't understand. You didn't give up before. So, why now?"

"I honestly don't know," Jane replied.

Mike just cocked an eyebrow at her. She shook her head and smiled. Jane just watched her, wondering what she was thinking.

"If you say so, Jane."

"Look, I know I messed up...big time. I can admit that. I have been admitting that. I just don't know where I went completely wrong. I'm seeing someone. I have been trying to dig deeper to figure out why I ran like that. I've run before, but never like that," Jane told her.

"And, what have you found out?"

"That I have some severe Daddy issues."

"I can see that."

"He was my hero, you know? I looked up to him. And, then he broke every thing for me when he left Ma. Then, he dies and we find out about you. I learn that he was never there for you, that you never really knew him, and he broke me further, you know? I was so determined before he died not to be like him, and then he died. I lost it. I ran away. I let everything pile up on me and left, just like he did. I did exactly what I swore I would never do. I became my Pop and I hate myself for it," Jane explained.

"If you say so, Jane, but that is just an excuse. You were scared, sure. You were angry, and that's understandable. But, you just fell off the face of the Earth. There was no goodbye, there was no this where I am and I'm okay. You just fucking left for Florida and then hightailed it back to Washington. That was the equivalent of a 'wham bam, thank you ma'am,' Jane. And, you didn't do to just me...and Maura, but your entire family," Mike stated.

Jane hung her head. She knew that Mike was right. She'd run and left everyone else holding the pieces. Her own mother had tried to put everything back together and failed. They cremated her father just so she could be at the service. She had done so much, but doing so little and it hurt. It hurt deep inside her heart and she wasn't sure that she would ever make the feeling go away. It hurt her family. It hurt her chances with Maura. It hurt Mike and she wasn't even really part of it all...yet.

"I have a lot to make up for and I'm trying."

"If you say so, Jane," Mike replied.

"I promised Maura I wasn't leaving again."

"You can't promise that. We both know that you might run and so does she. She wants to give you the benefit of the doubt, Jane, but can she really? Your track record speaks for itself. You've even admitted that you don't do well in relationships. How are you going to make this one work? How are you going to make yourself stay?" Mike asked her.

"I am going to fight for her everyday."

"If you say so," Mike stated.

"I am. I'm going to therapy. I'm trying to fix things. I'm talking. And, that is something that I didn't do before. Before, I would just deflect and move on. I didn't want to deal with it. I figured that if things broke, it was fate. I never looked at it objectively. I never paid attention to the evidence that I had in my relationships. I just let them end," Jane told her.

"And, now?"

"I see where I went wrong. I see what I could've done differently. I know that we were both in the wrong and we've admitted it to each other, but there is so much more. I gave up. I know that. I gave up and I let her go. I didn't fight for her like I should have."

"Why? Why didn't you fight for her, Jane? What happened that caused you to forget how much you loved her? Can you tell me why?" Mike questioned.

"I lost sight of what was important to me. I wanted a change so I left Boston. I said it was because I wanted something safer, but safer for who? That was the real question that I was trying to answer. Maura did her best to see me. I came home often in the beginning, but then I began to wonder why I was coming back so much. I knew it was for Maura and I knew it was because I loved her, but I didn't know if that was enough. I knew that she loved me. I knew that she would care for me. I knew that if I wanted I could have stayed with her and stopped working. She would have taken care of me, but I didn't want that," Jane told her.

"So what did you want?"

"I don't know and that was the problem. I could see me settling down, you know? Having the requisite two point five kids, the white picket fence and a dog in the yard. Hell, I had a dog at one point, but I gave her back to her owners when they were finally found."

"So, why didn't you fight for that?" Mike asked her.

"Because I didn't think that I deserved it."

"Why not?"

"Have you seen me?" Jane countered.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I'm the daughter of a plumber. I'm a blue collar, Boston Italian, cop. I am not willing to give up my job and I refuse to let anyone pay my way. I work for everything I got," Jane told her.

"Except your relationships," Mike added.

Jane looked at her for a minute and then hung her head again. She knew that Mike was right. She fought for her family. She fought her job. She fought for justice, but she never fought for herself. For some reason, she deemed herself unworthy.

"Because I am not worthy of someone like Maura. She is so cultured. She's refined. She comes from money, regardless of the fact that she is Paddy Doyle's daughter. She wasn't raised by him. She made a name for herself because of her job and she's smart. She doesn't flaunt her money tremendously, but she likes the finer things in life. Things that I can't give her," Jane said.

"There you go..."

"What?"

"That is your issue," Mike told her.

"What's my issue?"

"You aren't afraid of Maura. You never were. I could tell that by the way that you both interact. You're different together. You're better."

"So, what?" Jane asked.

"You're afraid of her money."

"No, I am not," Jane countered.

"Yes, you are. You are afraid of her money because you have this preconceived notion of what your family life should be. And even though you are a woman, you believe in the stereotypical hierarchy of the home: a husband and wife and then the children. You want to be the bread winner. You want to be like your father in that respect. You feel like you should be the provider and you know that if you are with Maura, that she could fill that role easily," Mike explained.

Jane leaned back in the chair. Mike was right. For some one as independent as Jane was, she didn't see that she was trying to put herself into a role that was antiquated. She was trying to make things fit into holes that she'd made as a child. She didn't try to adapt her views as her world changed around her. She was afraid of Maura's money because then she could be a kept woman. But, she knew that Maura would never ask that of her.

"I need to talk to Maura."

"Yes, you do," Mike told her.

"Why do you so much about this?"

"You should have met my wife, Jane. Then, you would know. I was once you," Mike said.

"Coming to Sunday dinner?"

"I wouldn't miss it," Mike told her.